THE PRO'S N' CONS OF REAL FALSE FOOTS AND REAL ARTIFICIAL ARMS !

Now that ,'I'm a celebrity, x-Factor and all the rest of the shit on the box that makes life so worth living is over for now, except for Big Brother, but nobody actually watches that, do they? but now as we're 15 feet in snow drifts the 'finger on the pulse' telly execs give us celebrity ice skating. The main reason i dont like the ice skating is because whenever they show the skaters crashing to the ice, my arse twitters and my teeth grind as it makes me cringe seeing people fall on ice. The other thing that makes me cringe is seeing people hit with cricket balls. I've suffered injuries from ice and cricket balls and still get the oral and anal clenches when i see it happen on the telly. So the forthcoming weekends are going to be periods of tension for me as celebrities go arse over tit left right n' centre.

One of the celebrities is the ex-Mrs McCartney, probably not the most popular of people ,but trying for the public vote with smiles and dancing, good luck to her, esspecially as she's only got one foot. She can't win as i've already heard people commenting on how the foot will be a handicap ,but she's using it as an excuse to stay in the competition, a little unfair, i think, but people will think the worst of celeb's, all part of the job, m'dearies.

But whose to say she wont go all the way. I've seen and personally know people with false legs/feet. A member of my family lost his leg as a lad in the 50's, so his leg was a wooden heavy thing, but he still played Irish football and Hurling and still is very active. I have a wonderful picture of him doing the Can-Can, in a bar in Ireland at a funeral. He kicked his leg out and the foot went sailing across the lounge. The photo shows a mass of bog-eyed drinkers watching this flying foot. I must point out ,it was deliberatly loosened, he's a lad is 'our Sean.' But the handicap never handicapped him.

When i 'were nobbut a lad', i used to see all the film baddies; Ersnt stavro Blofeld; Dr No; Dr Strangelove; Mr Han, from 'Enter the dragon', they all had false hands ,and some used to have one hand in a leather glove, which i thought looked great, so i could often be seen with one glove on. A few of the baddies hands could crush bricks, except Mr Han who used to unscrew his hand off and replace it with various weapons like a tigers claw, or a knife hand, to cut chunks out of Bruce Lee in the hall of mirrors at the end of Enter the dragon. There was also an excellent comic strip called 'The Steel Claw', and i really fancied having a steel artificial hand. On the whole i think i'll stick with my god-given extremities, at least until cybernetic technology is up to the level where i can become the Six Million Dollar man for a few bob less.