AAH THE SWEET SMELL OF BAD BREATH AS IT BLISTERS THE WALL PLASTER!!!

A couple of weeks ago me n' my beloved family hit the fair city of LIVERPOOL. I was going for a pint or six with some ol' muckers, while THE LOVELY LYNNE and THE SHORT ARSED ONE were going to do some shopping. On the way we stopped at a place called FRANKIE N' JOHNNIES for a bite to eat. All very nice and tasty it was too. Afterwards we carried on our journey into 'the fair city'. I met up with the arse'oles who comprise my friends and started guzzlin' n' gabbing the usual rubbish as we strove to put the world to rights. Another mate arrived a little later and made a remark about somebodies breath stinkin'. I hadn't noticed anything untoward or overly pungent. It has to be said ,there was a reason for this. The rancid respirator was 'yours truly'. It was some spices or garlic in the snack that we'd had. Very embarressing ,but on the bright side as it was me ,i didnt have to smell my rancid breath.

It reminded me of times long past when we'd all put our suits on ,collars n' ties, even blow dry your hair after a long bath. And fish around in the laundry basket for the least smelly socks.....We were going 'clubbin' and we were 'coppin' off'....I remember swaggering into town and posing at the bar, the 'bee's knee's'. But on the odd Friday my sister used to cook the tea and she'd discovered GARLIC!... .So, as i addressed my partners in drink ,sin n' debauchery, "A'right , lads!"......"Effin' hell! you been eatin' garlic or dog shit or somethin'?"......I would roll my eyes , bite me tongue ,yank my tie off, and consider f**in' off home. But 15 packets of extra strong mints 30 pints of GUINNESS , and some of YATES WINE LODGE'S, 'god awful 'OZZY WHITE', a licensed paint stripper which removed the lining of your tongue , oesophagus and stomach ,even garlic couldnt resist .I think it did the job ,funny thing was , we still never 'copped off'!

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY AT THE ORIFICE , DEAR?

"I JUST SAID,"OK! TAKE FIVE!".........AND SHE DID!"


I've never actually got my 'rocks off'..Watching MUCKY MOVIES ,but i've definitly 'laughed me 'rocks off' watching 'MUCKY FILMS' ,or BLUE MOVIES, or whichever you prefer to refer to them as. My 'appreciative 'lack of appreciation' of mucky movies began years ago when i used to work in a pubs behind the bar . There was always videos knocking around the regulars. Actually the first 'flesh flick ' i ever saw was in a mates house in the early 70's. His dad had a reel to reel projector and a film on a reel. My mate set up the film reel to reel and turned on the projector ....The film moved ,stopped, flickered and jumped....Stopped...Started to blister and boil and a big black hole appeared in the middle of the screen as the projector burnt through the film. I dont know what his dad said as we didnt see him again for months.

But i always remember watching my first mucky movie and following the complex storyline. I think a half naked sex starved women seduced the gas man or something. But it was at the end when 'the credits' 'came up'(phnar)....(jeez ,how pathetic is that reading the credits on a blue movie?).......But i was glad i did , as i fell into a fit of laughing when the SCRIPT WRITER, STORYEDITOR, FROM A STORY BY , etc, etc.......was listed, these creative masterminds deserve their due, and i for one appreciate their creative genius.

There is , of course the actors and actresses who 'star' in these body pumping celluloid 'fun for some of the family' stories of real-life sex starved neglected housewives and tatooed television repairmen ,etc ,etc. The cast get their 'scripts' and get their partners , of all ages ,weights ,sexes ,etc ,etc ,i suppose its luck of the draw on the day what kind of scenario they're in on a certain day . Your average movie star must make about 15 movies in a carreer ....The porno stars probably do that in a week. Apparently a lot of people 'in the business' are married to people 'in the business'. So Mr n' Mrs are both spending their days about other peoples bits n' pieces and various orifices....The conversation of the day must be interesting over the table at dinner....I'd imagine they'd have to let the kids eat in another room. When they're at home and go to bed 'For an early night' Its probably to get a good rest so they can have an early start the next day to make a film about somebody else 'having an early night.'