THE GOOD OLD BRITISH PUB IS DYING, BUT THE GOOD OLD BRITISH HANGOVER IS FIT AND WELL !

I found this cartoon the other day, done a few years ago for an independant Liverpool brewery called Cains. Sadly the, once small, but highly successful brewery, i think has had to close up a while ago now. Which was/is sad, as it needn't have happened it was all down to some red tape involving the gobshites in Brussels;Westminister and Liverpool city council. Some might say that my idea of an ad campaign, focusing on the concept of the hangover wouldn't be something that would help the sales of beer. I would dispute this feverently, as in my considered opinion the hangover is what made the British great. As i have had many experiences of hangovers throughout my formative years, or what i can remember of them. I feel i can speak with some authority on the Great British Hangover. I, of course include my kith n' kin over in Ireland in this. Partly due to the boozy geography aspect, but also , because its 'The black stuff and an Irish wee one, as a chaser' which has been the main cause of my suffering , and as a result personal development through the years.

When Johnny Foreigner hits the bottle, it normally is ,a bottle. Whereas we Brits go all out on quantity rather than quality, after a few pints. There is something inherantly strange about drinking beer. The more you drink the faster it goes down and the more you can drink. You would find it totally impossible to drink 15 pints of ;water, milk, lemonade, etc....But 15 pint of black sludgey Guiness and it doesn't touch the sides. Nobody drinks like as we do. So, that is why our hangovers are like no others. Other countries get hangovers, of course they do, but our hangovers are truly British hangovers.

It is said when people, die on an operating theatre, they see a golden light, etc, etc. The hungover, virtual corpse, sees nothing but impeneterable blackness as they lie in 'their pit' like a dead jellyfish on the beach. Eventually as the 'body' becomes aware that, unfortunatly they are still alive and have to wake and face the pain and suffering that is waiting on the other side of those tightly closed eyelids. The hangover incorporates every symptom of every disease virus, bug, injury or bang on the head that you could catch, be infected by, be hit by or inflict upon yourself. It has ;headaches, blindness; Nasal and sinus problems and blockages; Furry tongues; Inflamed throats; Flemmy lungs; Incredibly upset and volatile stomach, gastric and intestinnal problems; Bowel disorders; Nervous disorders causing damage to co-ordination. Even the most simple and natural of tasks become virtually impossible. The body temperature veers madly between raging almost fever like high temperatures to shivering chills.......And we do this to ourselves, for fun and pay (increasingly) large amounts of money to do it . But there is a cure, but it takes a cast iron stomach and courage beyond belief to attempt the cure........... A GOOD GREASY FRY-UP...(As frowned upon by good doctors everywhere.)....Followed by a stumble down the road to the local boozer, if it hasn't closed down, yet for A COUPLE OF PINTS!!!!...(As frowned upon by good politicians everywhere).. It's a case of if it doesn't kill you, it'll cure you. There, y'see, If we can survive and joke about this level of suffering we are indeed a hardy breed, possibly not the most sensible of hardy breeds, but pretty hardy.

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE DOCTORS WE WOULDN'T BE SICK.....

There wa a time in the not too distant past when diseases were things you caught in places like Africa and India. Us British used to get colds, flu, mumps and measles and various genital infestations. But times they have changed and the places with the crosses painted on the front door are the NHS hospitals, riddled with not just bugs ,but SUPERBUGS! You not only have to survive the disease that you've contracted through your own efforts and endeavours ,but also the home grown diseases that the hospital has to give you. All in all your probably safer having your operation in the carpark than the operating theatre.

Any nurse or doctor will tell you that those lovely politicians who know all about health and curing of those sick voters they have decided that outdated concepts like dedicated qualified staff ,cleanliness and care over periods longer than one day in a hospital bed for the sick and injured. The answer is to bring ergonomically designed bright airey offices for the incredibally paid 'suits', who now run the place. Mostly the places seem to be run badly, but the good thing is that, the 'suits ', who don't know the difference between a lung and a laptop, are trained to concenterate on the all-important 'spin' and so everything can be made to sound okay. And blame is ,of course transfferred elsewhere, nurses and sick people are exspensive and could do with being reduced or got rid of altogether, so theres a good place to start. health is a buiness, and like all buisnesses in these hard times, there must be cut backs.

The goverment, gawd bless 'em, have stepped in to save the sick n' needy voter with.......A CHECKLIST !..This checklist, if followed will lead to the health and salvation of many sick n' dying voters, lives and votes will be saved. The doctors are killing the voters ,so the politicians have to adress the problem and show the doctors what they are doing wrong. Everybody knows all doctors do is walk around telling everybody to take tablets;Drive off in their sports cars to the golf course and refuse to call at sick peoples houses at ungodly hours of the morning. If they knew as much about medicine as they do about golf and bridge we wouldnt need the goverment to save us with a checklist.
The checklist has such medical groundbreaking, inciteful things like ;Name and sex;Occupation; Medical problem; Confirm operation; Enough fluids? Any allergies? Check no equipments left inside; Check the same amount of bloods in there at the end as there was at the beginning; Make sure the patient isn't dead. The death of a patient while of course being tragic, would also constitute a waste of time and money which could be put towards a new pot-plant for the 'suits' office. And so it goes on. I can see it now the NHS rising again like a phoenix from the ashes to save us ,cure us and keep us well until the next change in goverment NHS policy.