TIGER WOULD IF HE COULD AND HE DID, AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, HE'S AN ADVERTISERS DREAM!!!

Whose a naughty boy, then?...That angelic beloved all American home-loving ' mom's apple pie- loving 'Family man ,TIGER WOODS. Thats who! His scorecard is getting bigger by the day as cocktail waitresses ;porn queens and various lavicious ladies pop their bleached blonde heads over the publicity parapet to tell their heart rending story of life as one of the 'Tiger babes'. All, sobbing and blubbering with heartfelt American 'Oprah' emotion, how, as the old joke says "He's been unfaithful to all of us!". Now they are telling his wife , as his scorecard goes up towards the low 20's, that it would be worse for her if he just had one lover, rather than 26.Which i'm sure will put it all in perspective and cheer her up no end. I'm not sure she'll be convinced by the logic of this argument. I'm damn sure i wouldn't like to be the one to argue this aspect of Tigers defence with a woman scorned(x26), esspecially with so many top quality golf clubs lying about the house within reach of her manicured hands. I mean did you see what she did to his car. I remember when this whole wonderfully sordid and sleezy affair was just a threesome,a car, a tree and a water hydrant. After the crash Tiger was supposed to have been saved by his wife smashing the windscreen to save him. Whereas we now know she was probably trying to get into the car to stop her husband ever getting out ,ever again.

I seem to remember Woods being off the golf circuit for a while with a back injury. No need to think too hard about how that possibly came about. Then the worlds greatest swinger with the worlds greatest swing had to undergo intensive coaching for his swing. They must've been interesting sessions. Woods, irons, holes ,bunkers, slices, holes in one, etc, etc, suddenly have a host of different meanings, just count the number of Tiger Woods jokes you n' your friends got texted to see what i mean.

What amazes me is the advertisers pulling out of using Tiger Woods to front their products. How blind and stupid can they be. Golf is a big earner ,but nowhere as big as sex! Yeah, ok, he was an outstanding sportsman and many people respected his skill and talent and wholesome persona. But now with all this 'stuff' going on, Tiger Woods is the 'Daddy!'.... Every teenager and man in the world will look at him with his protein drinks; after shaves; various 'stinky stuffs'; ranges of clothes. And now the whole sex aids market is open for 'the king'. And all these people will say "yeah i'll have some of that!" .And Tiger Woods is the hero for every horny male on the planet,of which there are more than a few, even those who didn't know he used to play golf.

THE SAMURAI SPIRIT OR JUST BAD LOSERS ?

THE BAD LOSER

I was watching a programme on the telly the other night all about a very odd bunch of chaps indeed. The Samurai warriors of Japan. They would train all their life with the most fantastic weapons ever made, (before atom bombs ,polaris, trident, of course ),but the samurai sword. perfectly balanced and razor sharp. Which, unfortunatly couldnt be said for the weilder of this perfect blade /sword. These noble brave warriors devoted their life to learning to fight and devoted their lives to their emperor , overlord ,or whatever they called the 'bosses in those bygone feudal days. They would march into battle cutting and slashing their opponents ,then if they won, all was well and good and celebrations abound . But, if they lost their fight they would commit a very silly thing indeed. Ritual suicide, or Hari-Kiri..... A very strange way to get over a defeat. Clutching a smaller samurai sword, specially designed for the purpose they would kneel down; Ram the dagger into the lower belly; Pull the blade across to the other side then pull up???..Then as their guts spill out over the deck, their 'second' would take a swipe at their neck with a full sword and decapitate the disembowelled warrior, or ex-warrior. This was the only honorable way to go. One Samurai commited Hari-Kiri and his assistant had to take 3 or 4 swipes at his neck to decapitate him..Just not his day, some days it's not worth a Samurai getting out of bed.

Thankfully the Samurai spirit doesn't abound around here. All sports fixtures would be a blood bath.At the football, after full time as the beaten 11 at the 'match' disembowel themselves in the shower.(bloodbath in the shower, eh?) But on the bright side, the season would be a lot shorter and they'd have to be a lot more flexible with the transfer window, ; The snooker player ruining the green baize with his innards; The defeated darts champion trying to hack his way through his hugh beer belly with his tiny Samurai dart; In golf the 18th hole would be a mess ,all that blood, the green wouldnt be green for long . In my case dissappointment and defeat is something i'm quite used to. But pain, funnily enough is something i never got the hang of. So, i've decided i'm going to be honourbound to stay dishonourable. The only Samurai spirit in the Leatherbarrow's is a bottle of after shave in a cupboard in the bathroom.......Gawd it stinks, too!