10% OF RYANAIR PLANES DON'T LAND....AND 100% 0F PASSENGERS HAVE BUGLE INDUCED HEART ATTACKS ,IF THEY'VE SURVIVED THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN FROM ONLINE BOOKING!!!!!

On my way to Ireland the other week to take part in the COOTEHILL CARTOON FESTIVAL....After an intensive period of therapy and various drugs to cure me of a series of mental problems following my multiple attempts at booking a return ticket ,online with RYANAIR!....I had just about recovered from the multiple breakdowns and had been out of the straitjacket for days by this time, as my beloved missus ,the Lovely Lynne dropped me at JOHN LENNON airport ,or as the Scouse still call it SPEKE AIRPORT to get the plane i had suffered so much to get.

We were shuttled through quite quickly ,seated and before we knew it ,off and upwards into the great grotty grey with touches of blue yonder. The stewardesses were very friendly and drinks ,etc were on tap almost right away ,the coffee was nice and the chicken salad butty was lovely. Much to my annoyance the dreaded flying cattle wagon i had imagined was turning into a pleasant flight. Liverpool to Dublin is a veritable 'hop skip n' a jump!' So as we got our food and drink it was almost time to make our approach so the seatbelt sign went on and we had to put our tables up even though we all had our food and virtually full drinks, we had to juggle the two and listen to the usual totally indecypherable  message from our smooth sounding Captain.....Then silence!

.......As the plane swooped down ,i was feeling quite relaxed ,not one to enjoy bumpy landings ,but i was quite calm, then this deafening bugle call boomed out of the speakers ,every passenger on the plane jumped ,what that weighty passenger instantaneous bounce did to the flight path on its approach i dont want to know.....This heart stopping 'Charge of the Light Brigade .'TARA,TARA,TARA!!!!!..... Was followed by an announcement which i thought said.."THANK YOU FOR FLYING RYANAIR!...Where 90% of our flights land?".....I had an image of 10% of RYANAIR aircraft scattered across the land and seas....It was later i realised they were telling us that 90% of their flights landed, ON TIME!....Then off ,straight through the area and to the bar , quite relaxed and dissapointingly pleased with my journey!

The reason i was dissapointed with being pleased and satisfied was because of the hell i went through trying to book on line a few weeks earlier ,it was an absolute bastard of a job and took me a number of shots to get there ,but in the end i got there and tried to print off my boarding pass and couldnt as the printer just gave up and has never worked since, not only did i find myself on the verge of losing my mind, but the printer couldnt stand the strain and gave up the will to print. The flight worked out at a respectable £41 ,but i ticked a low weight for baggage and was automatically hammered for £50 ,as it turned out the bag i took i could've brought on board for free, instead of getting hammered for £90-odd, so much messing with the questionairre i didn't realise 'till too late...(sob, whimper!)

A cartooning friend JON BERKELEY saw the suffering and pain i was going through and forewarded me this bit of FASCINATING AIDA performing 'CHEAP FLIGHTS!' a wonderfully funny skit on the cheapo flights and very ,in fact too close to the truth.

THOSE LESS THAN MAGNIFICENT SHOWER OF BASTARDS AND THEIR FLYING MACHINES.

Ahhh, the joys of flight! Zipping around the world, almost effortlessly. You arrive at the airport; Your bags are taken by happy smiling staff and you help yourself to food n' drink , then when your flight arrives you amble along to the departure gate, onto the plane and your seat with happy smiling cabin crew helping you all along. And before you know it , your up, up and away. Then you arrive and all this pleasurable experience is repeated in reverse with a different accent and off we go. As in all fairy tales we go and live happily ever after. Like all fairy stories , its a heap o' shit!

Only days ago we flew from Liverpool to Dublin. We parked the car somewhere in North Wales, walked to the John Lennon international airport. Ryanairs team of experts checked us in and took our bags , stripped us before irradiating us in the xray scanners with a variety of expressions and requests none of which was smiling or friendly. Then when we'd deciphered the totally garbled announcements ,we had to walk , virtually to Manchester airport to get to our gate .The flight eventually got to Dublin airport(or is it Val Donican international airport?)..An hour late, not bad for a journey that only takes 20-30 minutes. When we got there, i think, actually we landed at Shannon, going by the walk we had to get to Dublin arrivals.

The day we were coming home we started walking from Dublin to Shannon to our gate after asking someone what the announcer said, nobody had a clue. I know we live in enlightened times .We actively combat, Sexism, racism,ageism, and a whole variety of 'ism's' too many to mention or even to be aware of. One that should be scratched off the list is ,Accentism. Just get an announcer that can speak good 'proper' 'English ' in British and Irish airports. Somethings got to be wrong when everybody in a major international airport looks up at every announcement and says to their companion or anyone around ."What the F***k did he just say?". As i said we continued our long trek to gate D77.A gate etched forever into my memory. When i go, i want my remains spread or scattered, depending what they do with me, at gate D77, Val Doonican international airport. We stood for an age, or so, just growing older, layers of dust and cobwebs formed over us, children reached maturity, mature adults reached old age and passed away, free from the queuing at last. But the rest of us queued on only to find out that our 1345 plane was cancelled till 20.00 that night. After another walk back, a queue of a few more hours , only to find our 20.00 flight was now at 1.00, in the morning. because of technical problems??? Which we were quietly told was technically there wasn't enough people to fill the plane, so they quite simply cancelled it. Nice of them. Mind you, we did get a meal voucher for £3.50, just enough for a small coffee. then spent an age trying to get our bags back just to hand them in again. Eventually we got a plane 10 hours later, only 20 times the time the journey takes

During the course of our day we went through the x-ray machines countless times. But i did discover that ,as we eventually went to bed, finished our reading, as thats what married folks do when they go to bed.( thats a little priveliged info for you dashing young batchelors and single ladies out there). When the light was turned out, we both glowed in the dark like luminous hands on a watch, i thought the Lovely Lynne looked quite fetching irradiated. Does anyone know where we can get a 2nd hand x-ray scanner or some old Uranium, Plutonium,Cobalt. Just to add a little radiation to our sex life, you know what i mean, nudge, nudge.