FOR YOUR EYES ONLY...TOP SECRET....IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS !

Last year it felt like christmas started about June. This year i feel like it has been quite quiet and we've been spared the x-Mas torture of non stop adverts of people in sweaters and bobble hats going up snowy roads to collect parcels wrapped in bows and wrapping paper on shelves ,i wonder how they know what they're buying as they're already wrapped up to go under the tree by the roaring log fire. At christmas ,everyone has a roaring log fire....The rest of the year they have boring old central heating? Getting the shopping in during our weekly jaunt to Asda i let a loud groan out as that god-awful CLIFF RICHARD  song about "logs on the fire and happy children ,etc ,etc" was played throughout the store i thought, "'ere we go! It's started." But  i thought 3 weeks before the days not too much overkill

There is a reason that i think i may have missed a lot of the build up. My darling daughter is mostly ensconsed in the back room watching NETFLIX, on the computer ,skyping and texting. The Lovely Lynne is working away or home late ,but it means i plough through SKY+ , ON DEMAND and the SKY MOVIES,etc....This means that i manage to almost totally avoid advertisments. These telly channels and services mean you find yourself ploughing through continuous episodes of various series. Recently i'm going through a spy /action phase. I've ploughed through the STRIKE BACK series ,tons of blood and snot; The lovely arse kicking assassin  MAGGIE Q as goverment assassin NIKITA; PERSON OF INTEREST about an ex C.I.A. assassin who's trying to help people. But i got the DVD collection of the classic CALLAN; I waded through the BOND films to brace myself for the long awaited SPECTRE, which i've seen a mere 3 times and i managed to catch THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. which i also enjoyed. So while the rest of the world has been warming in the pre -festive glow i've been living an imaginary life of  extreme violence from mean steely- eyed charming ex-special services spies. Santa  better watch out when i comes a calling as i go to bed with my WALTHER PPK, Bonds weapon or Callans NOGUCHI 38 MAGNUM under my pillow.

M.I.5.M.I.6.C.I.A.K.G.B.S.M.E.R.S.H.S.P.E.C.T.R.E.T.H.R.U.S.H....THE OTHER SIDE..AND THE TAXMAN?..NOT EASY BEING A SPY!

Spies are back ......Not that they ever really went away ,but the new JAMES BONDfilm  'S.P.E.C.T.R.E.' is on it's way in and sadly ,as i've not seen it and wanted to the new 'MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.'film is on it's way out! 

It's been strange as for many years all the film and telly spies have fought 'the other side in a quest for micro films and dots and killing enemy assassins , but spies were taking a back seat in their Austin Martins as the assassin took over the role of screen hero. Nowadays trained kickboxing killers are filling our screens. steely cold hard eyes and gutteral speech patterns are replacing the smooth ,suave ,sexy ,sharp quipping secret agents like Bond and Napoleon Solo.

No idea where the first spy came from. Maybe once upon a long time ago a lincon green clad English lad  by the name of Jameson of the Bond was dressed in animal furs given a horned metal helmet and paddled across the North Sea to infiltrate the Viking hoardes massing to invade our green n' pleasant land. I dont know how our first spy got his 'intel' scrolls back to 'YE OLDE M.I.6. but he didn't do too good as the viking hoardes hoarded over and gave us a good kicking and did stuff to the maidens fair ,of the day ,thats how some of us have viking blood coursing through us!

Through the years the spy has evolved from the sneaky slimey untrustworthy worm of the middle ages as seen in Robin Hood films and stuff like that as spies were always spying on the 'good guys' for the nasty king ,etc. As the centuries clicked by and the world became a bigger place and we discovered lots of new exciting enemies like the French and the Spanish spying became a lot more complicated and for the greater good of the country as the French and the Spanish as we all know can't be trusted and don't like the British 'cos we're much better than they are. So they decided to  rule all of Europe then invade us . I'm sure a spy discovered the plans for the SPANISH ARMADA and reported home .Things were a lot slower in them days so our spy got the Armada 'intel' back home to ye olde MI6 in a mere 6 months which was fine as the Armada probably took about 5 years to get prepared then 6 months to sail, so we just about managed to negate their head start and met them about half a mile out to sea and gave them a good kicking.

Spies came into their own and job centres all over 17 n' 18th century Britain were dragging people off their ye olde job seekers allowance to spy on the French and Spanish when a certain French dwarf decided to rule the world. Napoleon ,apparently he was fond of spies and lots of them galloped around Portugal ,etc gathering 'intel' for 'Boney!'. Watch any episode of Sharpe and you'll see what i mean.

Spies come in all shapes and sizes as we all know real spies are fit and incredibly handsome and irresistable to women . They travel the world on incredible expense accounts ,gambling ,eating and drinking the finest cuisine at the finest restaurants, hotels and casino's and oddly enough for SECRET AGENTS are known and recognised throughout the world?

It has been said that spies are trained to blend in and look normal and  not attract attention, be grey and go about their devious doings unoticed, but that wouldn't be much good for a film or telly series.

As we all know the enemy have what we call 'SLEEPERS' and what they do is settle down make a good old boring domestic life ,get a job ,maybe even raise a family waiting for a call from the 'motherland' through their 'Handler' who may drop them a coded letter or a phrase , a trigger for them to do what they were trained to do before they became domesticated ol farts like the rest of us. They may work in an office or the local chippy, but they have to inflict damage or kidnap ,or steal important documentation (maybe the new menu in the chippy!) for their masters in the Kremlin ,or wherever!

Through the years theres been lots of enemies. Traditionally , there was the Nazis' then the Russians and everybody in behind the IRON CURTAIN this was spying's glory years...Tons of countries whose names finished with SLAVIA, SLAV, BOSTOFF, etc ,etcOFF i honestly dont know which were real and which were made up, but every 'MAN FRO UNCLE and most tell y spies where in these places fighting the K.G.B. or  S.M.E.R.S.H. And there was East and West Berlin and the 'WALL'...That was a spies dream. But the spies who dealt with the wall were the more gritty ones HARRY PALMER and my favourite CALLAN. The film 'THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD'  with Richard Burton as an agent drinking himself senseless as he pretended to be braking down and pretending to defect....I could do that ,i think i've been doing it for years, qualified to be a spy ,thats me ,i reckon!

There was also the CHINESE and Asian ,all points East baddies. The spies didn't actually go there according to fiction ,but the Chinese were everywhere plotting to destroy the western devils with nuclear missiles in secret bases and nerve gasses ,whereas we Brits wouldn't do that sort of thing we just discovered their devious plans for world domination and stole the micro films. Fictional baddies were like Bond vs S.P.E.C.T.R.E. or U.N.C.L.E. vs T.H.R.U.S.H. ; Then many of the enemy agents were just 'THE OTHER SIDE!' Now we've dealt with all other points east ,it's the middle east popping up on the BADDIE NETWORK!

Our heroes would in the early days doff a mackintosh over coat ,hat and glasses and infiltrate 'The other side' for secret documents, then codes and their cyphers ; Then micro film came in with those clicky little cameras every spy had; Micro dots, i never quite figured out how you discovered which full stop in 'war and piece 'held the details of the Russian missile system. Now we've computer hard drives and those computer 'dongle' thingee's that drain all the info from computer hard drives. 

In old films and books the info was simple , but important, so the micro film was important for the freedom and safety of the west. Now they explain the wheeling and double dealings that take place with the politics and spy networks, just watch the average episode of 'SPOOKS' ...I love it....Can't understand it ,but still love it!

Nowadays spying looks decidedly nasty and dangerous ,as a kid i'd watch and dream of being a spy. In them days when they were captured ,which was every week , they were interrogated, not tortured ,interrogated. Our hero may get a blooded lip ,work up a sweat and you knew it was tough, esspecially when his tie was loosened and top button was undone. Now it's a good beating in the cellars of 'The other side ' Water boarding ,electric shocks, etc .....As we all know know our greatest enemy is our biggest ally!....The good ol' U.S.of A....The C.I.A. who seem to have their sticky fingers into everyones business and seem utterly ruthless.....The CIA make the soviets look like sweethearts. Assassinations ,drug running ,arms dealing with ...everybody on all sides...According to whatever you watch or read ,everybody is after their own agenda ,did they kill JFK?....Etc ,etc!  Do spies get the chance to retire or do they get 'removed', permanently?

One thing i never understood is how much and how does a spy get paid?....If an agent is undercover ,say in Russia , why don't the Russians just check his bank details.....£20,000/month from the Ministry of Defence....Bang!...Your dead, Tovarich!

The reason i wanted to be a spy was so i could wear a shoulder holster....Nowadays its not as cool as the automatic pistol is shoved down the back of the agents trousers, not half as good as the ol' shoulder holster.....At one point...Ok , i still do , i fancied adapting the shoulder holster for holding pens at a caricature gig!

I said before real spies come in all shapes and sizes ,but it's not just that ,you don't even have to be alive, possibly the best ,most successful agent was a dead body. An agent doesn't just steal 'intel' ,but can feed false 'intel' to the 'other side'! In 'OPERATION MINCEMEAT'...A body was washed up on the Spanish coast durring WW11 around 1942

with notes detailing the British intention to invade Greece and Sardinia which the Germans swallowed 'hook, line and sinker' ,whereas us crafty Brits were going to invade Scicily instead and up through Italy!....And a certain Mr IAN FLEMING was involved with that scheme!....Wonder what happened to him?

THE NAMES LEATHERBARROW TIM LEATHERBARROW....AND DEAD EXCITED 'COS BOND JAMES BOND IS BACK!

 It's shameful being a 52 year old husband n' father sitting trying to stifle the building schoolboy -like excitment that s building within my my (only slightly ptotruding)middle aged belly.....And what is this excitment that has gripped me ,well quite simply ...JAMES BOND IS BACK The new film SKYFALL is out in almost days...THE LOVELY LYNNE is slobbering at the prospect of that DANIEL CRAIG flaunting his manlyness around the screen ,whereas i'm looking foreward to the more cerebral aspects to the film, story ,characters and most important of all the extreme violence that Craig has put into the fights . There is an aspect of this that i'm worried about .CASINO ROYALE wasn't 'that' bad for it ...QUANTUM OF SOLACE was terrible for it and i'm praying that SKYFALL will not suffer from it...The 'IT' in question is the high speed ,hand held ,badly edited blur that all action sequences in films over the last number of years are full of. QUANTUM was a blur. To this day i still can't make hide nor hair of the opening car chase. The rooftop chase could've been a cinematic masterpeice, but was to fast and cluttered to follow, etc, etc.

 

Just recently SKY have been reshowing the BOND  films and i've been catching up. SEAN CONNERY  has filled my last week and he's still good ,i didn't take to him for a long time ,not because of his BOND ,but i just didn't like him for some reason...A great BOND  ,but for a long time i just didn't like him!....He had some great 'PROPERLY FILMED' action sequences and fights ,remember ROBERT SHAW in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE on the train and  virtually every film he made ,i quite like where he beats the shit out of two blokes in a lift in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER. They were the classic BONDS without a doubt .

 

I watched GEORGE LAZENBY in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE yesterday and it's a great film and i didn't mind poor George . He was great in the violent bits ,some really good fights and ,EMMA PEEL , as was DIANA RIGG ,who described him as "A shit!" on a recent interview and was supposed to have scoffed garlic for the love scenes. LAZENBYS agent advised him not to take the offer of more Bond films, ah where'd we be without people to advise us.

I'd grown up loving ROGER MOORE in THE SAINT....And was chuffed when he became Bond in LIVE AND LET DIE. I have to admit liking his films ,every one says he played it 'tongue in cheek', but when he had to be the mean Bond he did the action and fights and could be mean. I always thought ,like DOCTOR WHO it's not whose best, but because they changed  is what gave them their extended life. MOORE played a few stinkers ,my personal 'stinker' is THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN. From LULU's theme its downhill all the way.

 

TIMOTHY DALTON could've been a good 'un....He was going back to IAN FLEMINGS Bond and THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS isn't bad , the fight on the netting from the back of a HERCULES TRANSPORT PLANE is great....These are the days when stuntmen did it all ,i mean actually did it all! Dalton was tough and mean ,i liked him and problems with film companies meant films didn't get made and Bond was on hold and ol' TIM never got the chance to don the dicky bow again.

 

PIERCE BROSNAN hit with GOLDENEYE, still the skinny little charmer from that gawd awful REMINGTON STEELE...That wasn't a bad film ,good touch putting 008, SEAN BEAN in as his mate then as the baddy. The poster for the next ,'TOMORROW NEVER DIES', shows Brosnan a lot more muscled than before. He wasn't bad and watching them again ,as they were made so well, they're always better than i remembered. The Peirce days finished with an INVISIBLE CAR?....Then they said "We're taking Bond back to basics!"

                                                                                                Then the shit hit the fan and "OH MY GOD! A BLONDE BOND!".....Riots took place in the streets ,websites slagging off poor old DANIEL CRAIG abounded . He arrived at the press conference with the ROYAL MARINES ,but as the Marines did ,he wore a life jacket over his dinner suit..."JAMES BOND WEARING A LIFE JACKET..OH GAWD!...IT GETS WORSE!"...Poor Daniel couldn't win .They forgot even SEAN CONNERY wore crash helmets with his jet pack and LITTLE NELLIE gyrocopter. But the new boy ,blew them away . Daniel Craig is now a national institution beloved by everyone ,esspecially my missus! From the little i've heard SKYFALL is getting good vibes , SIR ROGER MOORE  reckons its the best Bond, ever and Craig is far the best Bond .....God i need a drink...A mug of tea stirred not shaken!

EVEN THE EAGLES WOULDNT DARE GO WHERE RICHARD BURTON AND CLINT EASTWOOD WOULD DARE!!!!!

If i turn on the telly and stumble across the snowy Austrian mountain opening sequence with the sound of a turbo prop aircraft being gradually drowned out by an increasingly loud regular drum beat, then 'dead dramatic' music.....Then it can only mean one thing. Its...WHERE EAGLES DARE!....Yet again and i'm hooked for the next 2 hours or whatever as Clint and Richard wipe out the German army, yet again. I've only seen it 341/2 times this year. TCM show it about 3 times/week ,on average. So, i've not watched it more times than its actually broadcast, which ,makes me slightly less of a sad bastard than i could potentially be , sometimes its probably a good thing not actually reaching your full potential.. But it's a great ol' film anyhow and explains how we won the war.

                          Obviously with spies of the calibre of Clint n' Richard, we couldn't go wrong. 'Dead hard n' mean',and Richard Burton being 'dead clever', as well. The germans were stupid ,slow and couldn't use their weapons as good as our boys. 50 German soldiers would open fire on Clint and only hit the wall. Then Clint would step out,give 'em a steely 'Clint glint' which obviously intimidated the Germans as they didn't open fire and stood there as Clint blew them all apart.

                                     Then we have the hand grenades. When 'we' throw a grenade it lands in the middle of the ,machine gun nest, Tank turret,or whatever and explodes right on cue, inflicting the maximum damage possible. Not the Germans tho'. They throw their stick grenades underhand and they clatter along the floor to Clints feet ,Clint then calmly bends down to pick it up ,swings his arm back and throws it back. It sails through the air, hits the ground ,clatters along the corridor until it arrives back with its owner then, finally explodes. The Germans were very soft as well ,as they always got killed .Whereas 'our lot',only get wounded. You don't mess with Clint n' Richard, Even the Eagles wouldn't dare. Ahh, it's a great ol' film.