THIS SPORTING LAND.....????.....SPORT IS A WAY FOR PSYCHOTIC NUTTERS TO ENJOY THEMSELVES!!!!

 THE SLIDE TACKLE !

When you think of sport you mainly think of the three sporting staples for your average
Englishman....Football!....Or "SARKER!" as our beloved cousins across the pond like to call it. They have their own FOOTBALL where the dress up like the cast of IRON MAN 3 and play ,being Americans too the micro second as measured on an atomic clock in the super stadium, so when they tackle each other and it looks looks and sounds like them massive police car pile ups from the car chases beloved by Hollywood in billions of  action films , every second is accounted for so it's possible that a score can be 'scored'(Converted/ touched down ??) in the last 0.0000235 of a second of  time. The good ol' British version of FOOTBALL, properly spelt and pronounced "SOCCER!", or as civilised fans of 'The beautiful game in the fair city of Liverpool, where we have a number of decent teams would refer to it as,"DE FOOTY!" if your watching it ,say 'On the telly'...."Going to watch de footy, down the boozer!".....Or if your a bit more serious going "DE MATCH!" and occassionally a "DE GAME!"...As in "didj'ya see de game?"

          Our FOOTY is different to the Yanks Football as the nearest we have to their very odd idea of a game which is only played by them even though they think it's a globally loved game ,even though nobody on the planet has a clue what the fascination is with it and it is globally resented that the Americans call their big championship games things like 'THE WORLD SERIES????'.....We have a wonderful game called RUGBY where rough tough battered looking fellahs basically fill the pitch and amongst the mass of broken bodies is an oval ball which has to be retrieved by the opposing sides so the can run away to the far end of the pitch to score a try by putting the ball on the floor ,sounds simple ,but as is always the case theres about  between 14-16 big mean hefty looking monsters who dont agree with your intentions and want to stop you in the most painful bone shuddering ways they can. For a game that when you look at it is remarkably stupid in so far its a way of scoring points while keeping your skeletal system in roughly one piece, often unsuccessfully, the players are generally highly intelligent fellahs, admittedly the faces :scars, beaten eye brows ,broken noses and cauliflower ears may give them a slightly Prehistoric caveman look, but most have careers and basically are smart!....They say "Rugby is a game for hooligans played by gentlemen?"

               The 'Footy!' was once a 'mans game', the stuff of comic book heroes in 'TheVICTOR,the HOTSPUR, characters like 'ROY OF THE ROVERS!' decent proud and could hoof an old style leather caseball the length of the pitch and still burst the net at the other end!......In real life we had our 1966 world cup squad with BOBBY MOORES; GEOFF HURSTS; BOBBY CHARLTONS, ROGER HUNTS(One of Liverpools all time greats!)....They played in old leather boots ,in thick mud and went "They dun their foot in!" in a vicious tackle, which were allowed in them days all the had to get them up was an old trainer in a wooly bob-hat and a rusty bucket of freezing cold water with a freezing sponge to slap on the injury....Even broken legs didn't stop our heroes leaping to their feet rather than face the dreaded cold sponge. Nowadays the ball is plastic ,almost ballon like so when given a good whack with the new trendy pink or silver boots worn and promoted by all our new foreign players pushing 'Their ranges ' of clothing, scents and sporting goods, occassionally!...The ball goes sailing up into the stratoshere, so they have to side foot the ball, none of your 30 yard Bobby Charlton blasts with the instep , back in the days when games used to have scores of 6,7 or8 goals in a game when it was slower, but enabled superb talents to dribble in the box, No GEORGE BESTS, KEVIN KEEGANS, ROGER HUNTS, ETC, ETC now as the game is too fast, and its against the rules to tackle!!???....Players do their own stunts and dives and fall and fall flat if they get a dirty look , Nobody "oes their foot in!",anymore ,they all amage tarsals n' meta tarsels,  Groins get a lot of grief, but thats probably nothing to do with the 'Footy' or training ,its out spending their £5000000000/week wages in the best places , you wont see 'the advertising hoardings who are our childrens heroes down the local 'boozer!'.....I hate it now ,i really do!, the say about the 'Footy'...."It's a game for gentlemen played by hooligans!"

                 I was never a fan of cricket and was terriffied on the few occassions i played ,once i got the ball in the face and once on my knee ,i've never felt pain like it i was sure i'd busted my leg. The game was the most vicious of the three as the idea was for the bowler to 'get the batsman out!' any way he could only armed with a rock hard cricket ball that he's trained for years to throw at amazing speeds with a variety of sneaky ,tricky spins and turns to make it impossible for the batsman to defend himself....The bowler gets the batsman in his sights and has a run up to add to his power and it is nothing more or less than to kill the target!......Than if he doesn't manage to do that , they go through it all again and so it goes on for days and weeks. When i lived in India i got interested in the Cricket as it's an obsession over there, the kids don't play 'Footy!' ,they play cricket on patches of wasteland ,or wherever they can.  I always wonder how some of the crowd dont get killed or seriously hurt ,when the batsman whacks the killer projectile out of the ground ,for a six!...A bit of cricketing parlance for you there....But the ball sails high into the crowd and it must ,on occassions smash into somebodies gob as they watch the game in fascination and go "OOOOOhhhhhh!" at the cracker of a shot thats "Jus' gotts be a 6!"....Leaving their teeth behind in the stadium, if it's not severe concussion.

ITS OFFICIAL..RUGBY IS A GAME FOR HOOLIGANS PLAYED BY HOOLIGANS!

The worst thing the English squad did whilst out in New Zealand attempting to do something ,in fact anything to bring some pride to our sadly prideless land in the Rugby World cup, was that they failed miserably not only on the pitch and off the pitch as well. On the pitch they sort of managed and muddled, but that was it. But off the pitch something very strange happened. Rugby players are big hard men who like a drink ,sing loud bawdy songs and have wild boisterous boys nights out making complete tits n arse'oles of themselves in the process.This is expected and accepted behaviour from these hooligan gentlemen . But for some reason when the English squad put on their dancing shoes and hit the New Zealand low spots they made themselves look totally sad n' pathetic and in competition with the other less than angelic big bawdy rugby chaps from all over, they lost that side of the rugby boozers world cup by appearing as a bunch of knobheads who couldnt take their ale and made everybody else look like good clean decent lads.

As the English squad arrived home to scorn and disgust ,did any body bother to meet or pick them up at the airport even? The Welsh were waiting to play their semi-final clash with them Frenchies. All of England were backing the Welsh to win, for gods sake thats almost as bad as wanting the French to win...... Thats how bad the English team have damaged national pride. We even had sympathy for the Welsh being just defeated.

But the Welsh had 'it sorted' , a man short they soldiered on. Its always more important to have an excuse for losing , than to win the match.

ENGLAND AND SCOTLAND FALLING ABOUT AS THE NATIONAL ANTHEMS PLAYED!

If you were up Saturday morning chewing on your morning bacon butty as was i, you probably saw part of it fly across the living room closely chased by the dog as you blurted out something along the lines of "OH £$%&*@ YES, MY BEAUTIES!".....As ENGLAND in the dying seconds of the maul of a match against 'the ol enemy' SCOTLAND ploughed across the line to score and beat the Scots. Half the world blurted out the above comment whilst the restof the world blurted out a less than joyous, not so positive expletive as ,for some reason the sight of England beating Scotland didn't fill them with glee. Everybody loves the English, just ask the WELSH,IRISH,SCOTTISH,FRENCH, etc, etc ,we saved the world , if everybody didnt hate the English so much they'd hate each other a lot more and the world'd be a bigger mess than it is now. Mind you i'd say we've handed our loathsome crown to AMERICA and long may they be hated instead.

But back to the RUGBY, i kept thinking about the poor team coach driver thinking he's in for an extended holiday in NEW ZEALAND all of a sudden he's got to set the alarm to go home the next morning. Ahh but the English lads are flying the flag pissing it up every night ,upsetting and copping off with the Kiwi ladies who frequent international rugby players drinking clubs. And it makes you proud to see how pissed our national heroes actually get ,i can take me ale better than MIKE TYNDALL, judging by the news stories of his wild nights ,i wonder if his 'Granny inlaw' has been on the phone. If Zara ,her mum and M'am have their way he wont be playing in the England quater finals he'll be crated home to the tower.

But it was good to see them win ,i even didnt mind the dog eating my bacon butty, even if he was barking for Scotland being a WEST HIGHLAND TERRIER.

RUGBY A GAME FOR GENTLEMEN PLAYED BY BLOODY BIG PSYCHOTIC NOT VERY GENTLE-MEN!..

Rugby a hooligans game played by gentlemen ,apparently....Bloody big ,psychotically deranged gentlemen maybe ,but there y'go. I was watching the 6 nations games ,over the weekend and noticed how the players nowadays are a lot more muscely and hard n meaner looking than in days of yore. It also adds to the meaness when you've got these French eight foot fifteen fellahs with hair down around their shoulders and everyone calling them 'horse' , or some animal name.

It also strikes me as odd ,when i used to watch and ,yes ,once upon a time play rugby ,the players would all be covered in mud and green grass stains. But not now ,yellows ,blues ,purples a variety of pastel shades from the pitch adverts.

I remember working at a caricature'gig' up in Scotland a number of years ago and while i was scribbling away the Englih squad arrived to play Sotland the following day. Jeez! they were big bastards, not just big ,but ,big!...I was passing by a hallway in the hotel and the players lined the hall waiting to get into their rooms. A little maid had to 'run the gauntlet', of walking down the length of the hall with these leering monsters either side. She looked absolutly terrified.

As i've been a little lazy of recent i've put on a few rugby cartoons wot i done over the life of this here blog. Hope ya like 'em!

EXCUSE ME !...BUT WHAT IGNORANT GET SAID GOOD MANNERS COST NOTHING, AND POLITNESS DOESNT HURT?

This very morning something on the telly made reference to a newspaper article about ,how good manners and politness is in a sharp decline. I absolutly refute this 'nothing else to stick on the page, so we'll put this on to get a mention on the telly news programmes less serious moments story- headline.'.....As someone who always holds the door open for people and who will give up my seat for the old ,needy and extreemly sexy. I know its not the good manners and politness thats on the decline, but the polite response from the increasingly ignorant shower to whom i hold the doors open to and give up my ,by now warmed up seat.

I go into town shopping ,for my sins ,with the Lovely Lynne(not sins with the Lovely Lynne ,the shopping, sadly.) When i'm entering or leaving a shop, i'll hold the door open if theres somebody nearby. If i'm lucky i'll get a barely responsive grunt from the recipient of my well-meaning action. But ,not often. What often happens ,people speed up to take advantage of the open door ,and often whole families pile through ,mum, dad ,kids ,bloody prams, the lot .Nobody would consider pressing their hand against the door to hold it open for themselves or their brood. So yours truly ,grinding his teeth, but too polite to say anything stands there like a bloody idiot as a queue starts to stretch across the concourse waiting to be allowed through the door. As they stomp past ,most dont even give a sideways glance as i give filthy disbelieving looks in all directions at the ignorant shower of bastards who're walking past me ,who've walked past me and yet to walk past me.

The other fun-packed way of passing a few moments is to give up your seat to somebody on a train or bus. I've stood to let some old dear or a pregnant woman, or whoever sit, and ,on the whole get a guarded response. But quite often someone else will pile past slamming their shoulder into me or their palm into my face knocking me back like a foreward fending off a tackle in the Rugby 6 nations championships. Then ,once they've parked their fat ignorant stupid arse on the seat that i've kindly warmed for them. Not a word is uttered to me ,or the person to whom i'd originally intended the seat for. They sit gazing with a fixed glassy stare straight ahead, totally oblivious to anything you may have to say to them.

So whoever said good manners doesnt cost anything and politness doesnt hurt....Except for the battering to your ego and confidence by being ignored; The ruination of your day as you try and hold in your temper; And your growing dissappointment in people, except for that ,they may well have a point.

THE BIKE MIGHT BE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, BUT THE TOE CLIPS WILL KILL YOU !

Being fat n' lazy is by far the most and natural human condition, but with politicians ,celebrities, supermodels,Trinny and Suzanna, etc, etc, all pushing healthy diets and slim figures and god forbid fitness at us being a lazy get is, saddly frowned upon, its not trendy and 'in', but one day it'll come back 'in', what goes aroun, comes around, oh happy days. Fitness is a horrible condition as it takes a lot of work and effort which nobody really likes having to do. You go into the leisure centres, i dont know why they call them leisure centres. I mean to me leisure is taking it easy, passing time relaxing, having a good drink, whatever, not pushing my cardiovascular and respiratory levels through the roof. Names like Fitness world, much more Hernia land or bust a gut world or gasp centre. It is a totally surreal experiance going into these places and seeing brightly, trendily attired men and women , running ,walking, stepping, pushing ,pulling, bending, thrusting, grunting, gasping, shouting and occassionally breaking down in tears. Very leisurely.

But the outdoor training, the more natural, running from A-B, or cycling. I've never enjoyed running. I played footy and rugby and was a fair old sprinter, but with an ankle injury and a loathing of jogging i dont run, but i do have a bike and was getting back into good long rides before the weather 'set in.' The roads are dangerous enough, a lot worse than i seem to remember from when 'i were a lad.' The main problem i have is with the bloody toe clips on the pedals. Without them you could mount your bike like a cowboy mounting his horse, but with the clips you have to position yourself astride the seat, put one foot in and then push off. When your moving ,you have to flip the other clip over to insert your other foot in. Sometimes,'Dead easy!', no sweat, whatsoever. But other times, your flipping the pedal time and time again, looking down at the damn pedal. Then your alerted by such give away signs like car horns ,or even truck air horns blaring at you as you've wobbled into the middle of the dual carriageway. Looking up to the the cars , not only behind you, but coming at you.

There is a road nearby where they filmed,'DEATH RACE 2000'... The drivers get points for all the pedestrians and bikeriders they can run over. I was on the pavement trying to get my clips on when i suddenly found myself crashing arse over tit throuh thorns and bushes. I crawled battered and scratched out onto the pavement trying to unravel the bike from the undergrowth, and desperatly trying to retain some dignity by looking from side to side to see if anyone had noticed, my cycling hiccup. When i finally got branches out of the spokes,and staunced my bleeding from copious cuts and scratches, etc and set off, for about 50 yards and thebike started bumping and rattling along. I'd gone and burst my 'f***'in' tyre. Just as well the bike was a lightweight frame as i had to carry it the rest of the way home. I was buggered if, i was going to take the tyre off and sit by a bowl of water trying to mend my puncture, thats for schoolboys, i took it to the shop and it was fixed in minutes, had to pay, but we've got to help the small buisnessman and keep the economy afloat and stay fit.But i'm still tempted to get rid of them toe clips.

RUGBY, A THUGS GAME PLAYED BY GENTLEMEN AND ADVERTISERS...

The other day as i watched the English rugby squad; smash ,slaughter and destroy the French......Excuse me a moment ......"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!........Right, where wuz i?"........ "Oh yep i remember...HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!...Oh sorry about that i shall make an effort to get to the point starting in the very next paragraph...Honest !....(snigger, chortle , cackle...)

In the middle of the pitch was this huge advert for some bank, but its painted in such a way that it's in perspective to the television cameras over in the stands alongside the pitch. Which i find a little disconcerting it makes the pitch look as if its been tipped up on one side, and the pitch is on a 60 degree slope and the ball and the players should be bouncing and rolling down to the nearside touchline. The only way to reach the far side touchline would be with climbing boots; knotted ropes and crampons. And then theres the crowd around and behind the advert. They would see it at very different angles to the pristine bank advert we television armchair supporters see.( after all it is us that matter.) It would be viewed as a variety of distorted shapes, depending where in the ground you are seated. Also, on occassions the paint comes off the company logo, onto the players .Instead of ,grass,mud and blood colours, as one would expect. There is quite often ;Pinks, blues, oranges and a whole spectrum of corporate logo colours plastered over our Butch boys.

Around the pitch where once the advertising hoardings were in front of the crowd. These days there are a number of parrallel hoardings as they are now digital. And now a whole range of clever animated adverts are displayed,then break up into digital dots to advertise something new then change again, or go back to the beginning. During the England game there was a pork pie advert and part of this consisted of a pork pie travelling the length of the pitch. This caused a fantastically surreal vision of an England winger racing down the wing being overtaken by a digital pork pie zipping along the advertising hoarding.......!

The change of ads ,the break up of the digital dots n' stuff , is according to my sister and wife, who suffer from migraine, the oncoming of an attack is not dissimilar to the effects on the screens. I noticed during a recent trip to London, that a lot of Ads , mainly on the tube are digital /video/liveaction/ whatever?.....20 adverts of the same adonis-like man with his 6,7,or 8pack stomach(bastard) having a shave .This is a very boring image and i find it very irritating, especially as the gorgeous gobshite is smiling at his reflection in the mirror....Nobody smiles when they are shaving!..Shaving is a pain in the arse, even as your shaving the chin and if you do smile, the advertised - crappy8 blade dispossable Zoom blade, or whatever it's called will cut chunks out of your face....The pain is then compounded by throwing the stuff in the advert that is fresh and full of Zing, much like the throwing of concenterated sulphuric acid over the mass of open sore that was once your face. Thats the difference between advertising and real life....Real life is pain...Advertising is just a pain.

...WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MERE MORTALS TRY TO WEAR THE RUGBY SHIRTS OF THE GODS!.

Apparently theres a shortage of England Rugby shirts available, as for now Rugby's the new Soccer( especially after last night.) .But the thing i can't figure is why. These scientifically designed high density material moulded 'overskins' look bloody un comfortable on the supreme athletes they were fitted for. Lets just say that most of us can't really ,in all honesty describe ourselves as 'supreme athletes'.And leave it at that. So, gawd knows what sights'll be seen around boozers all over the weekend and probably not too much longer, as the wearers will find themselves straining to breath and drink, as their ,Middle aged spreadings ,Love handles 'n' good ol' beer belly is forced up into their chest cavity ,as their heart and lungs are pushed up into their neck and head. And the brain ,oh they'll leave that in a box at home.
Bring back the loose ol' baggy cotton shirts they were comfy and covered a multitude of sins. My missus looks quite sexy in her ol'baggy rugby shirt, even if it is Welsh.

IT'S A GREAT TIME FOR BALLS OF BOTH SHAPES!!!!

Well, well ,what a day for sport . ;The 'footy 'n' The Rugger;'N' me sprawled across the couch ,perfecting the arts of picking ,scratching 'n' squeezing bits of my anatomy...Ah, it's the sporting life for me.

It was a great day for balls of both shapes.