THE ROYAL WEDDING! WE ALL SAW 'THAT' DRESS, BUT MANY OF US WONDERED ABOUT 'THE UNDERWEAR.

I have to apologise first off, as my ever alert finger on the pulse hasnt been alert or on the pulse ,due to a infilltration of the computer by stuff like viruses and trojans and worms and trojan worms, this was F**'IN up the computer and was nothing to do with a sky remake of JASON N' THE ARGONAUTS. But my alert finger and the pulse is back to entertain ,edjucate and no doubt annoy n bore the arse of the variety of weirdo's that read this shit. Anyhow fans and cuddly affecianado's of culture and crap here we go again ,no more excuses. But the world has turned a good number of times since these stubby fingers have battered the keyboard, and amongst the throng of stuff thats been n gone and been assigned to history was , that ROYAL WEDDING which suddenly came and went. The eyes of the world were set intently on 'THAT' dress!!!!!.....As the lovely bride left the family hotel to go and do the buisness at that big church. I listened to the women of the Leatherbarrow household "Ahh n' Coo" about 'THAT' dress. I couldnt help wondering about what was underneath .....'THOSE' commoner drawers from 'Marks n' Sparks' ?

Later on in the day i thought my questions would all be actually answered when that Welsh newscaster off the BEEB announced that when the new bride n groom left the palace they would do it in a manner which would be a suprise and a treat to all us commoners who'd parked their arses on the couch for the last hour or so, or those maniacs who'd parked their ,now soggy,grass stained arthritic arses outside the gates of the palace for 7 days or so. When the AIR SEA RESCUE helicopter flew over the palace i thought WILLIAM would attach himself to the rescue cable and hitch the missus up and carry her across the thousands of arched necks as the people swayed like reeds in the wind trying to see up 'THAT' dress at 'THE' underwear. But this was not to be. Instead they drove out in a good old JAMES BOND fashion in a wonderful ASTON MARTIN. I thought "Oh please, dear lord i will go to church every Sunday if you activate the EJECTOR SEAT in the button at the top of the gear stick!"....But ,alas t'was not to be. A simple request thought i, but the ol fellah wasn't in a granting meagresimple requests n' favours mood. Is it any wonder the numbers going to church on a Sunday are falling.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE!. I'LL SWOP MY BUCKET OF SOLACE FOR YOUR QUANTUM, ANYTIME, MR BOND!

JAMES BOND'S cold grey eyes gazed unblinkingly straight ahead, even as the room echoed to the sound of explosions; Rockets firing and the so familiar sound of machine gun fire."Thunderbirds". Bond hissed impatiently through tightly clenched teeth and pressed the cold plastic button on the Sky T.v remote control. He'd seen this one, where Thunderbird 3 has to rescue a ship which is flying straight at the sun. He turned through the channels from the Sci-Fi channel to the ridiculosly named 'Dave' channel where the new Aston Martin DB9 was being reviewed by Jeremy Clarkson on 'Top Gear'. Bond was a little irritated that this 'so-called' expert who never made any mention of the cars inbuilt armoury of twin Vickers machine guns:Rocket launchers or ,even ejector seat.

Bond took a bite of his toasted Wharburtons bread; Buttered with 'I can't believe it's not butter', using the clean side of the knife. Sipped at his Yorkshire tea made with 30 second boiled warrington tap water and 2 heaped spoons of sugar. He opened his sealed orders from 'L'. He had to hoover the living room and clean the kitchen; Walk the dogs and pick 'the little 'un 'up from school. Bond swore. It had been almost a fortnight since his last adventure when he had to travel the world; Bed beautiful women and commit various acts of mass destruction, murder and genocide, all washed down with a fine wine and dinner. It was his own fault, he had to admit if he was honest with himself. Bond had began to wonder if he'd had enough of the constant danger and always having to be' on the edge'. He had said, at one point that he needed ,just a, Quantum of Solace". A tiny piece of peace and quiet. Then those filmpeople that lived their life making films about him pounced on the phrase and were due to make another killing with yet another film about his killings.

Tim Leatherbarrow, cartoonist and would be agent, spy and goverment 'blunt tool'. said that if he wanted a Quantum of solace, he's got buckets of solace. He had so much peace n' quiet he didn't know what to do with it. So, if Bond wanted some of that he could help himself. So Tim is off somewhere causing untold destruction murder n' mayhem.The dinner suits a little loose on his small but perfectly formed frame; He's got to watch it with the ladies as 'L', The lovely Lynne'd kill him; And, he's got to take it a little easier on the 'pop, due to medical reasons. So, it's down to destruction and food, for agent00.7, (Decimal fraction of 007!). Bond sighed and plugged in the triple suction, ball roller Dyson hoover to make a start on the living room carpet, "Damn", he snarled to himself. As the Dyson started pulling at the carpet fibres,and a page of the Warrington Guardian wrapped around the hoovers front roller.