TOMMY WAS A DEAF DUMB 'N' BLIND BOY WHO COULD PLAY A MEAN PIN-BALL,BUT AT 6.30.A.M, TIMMY'S DEAF, DUMB 'N' BLIND AND CAN PLAY F***K ALL !!

My darlin' dearest 'Little 'un started 'Big Skool' this week. She's loving it. The missus, the Lovely Lynne is upset as she's "lost her 'little girl', and i'm F***ked as i've got to get out of my bed an hour or so earlier. Getting out of bed has never been something i've been good at, but as i grow older and need my 15 hours more and more, i seem to be getting less and less. When i awake on pure instinct,as at this point, concious thought doesn't enter into the equation at any level. I leap out of bed. My legs are unable to support the upper levels as they haven't woken yet, buckle, causing me to crash over a variety of bedside cabinets, then a few seconds later are the cause of me falling 'arse over tit' down the stairs. When i crawl into the kitchen, totally devoid of any sensory stimulation. Somehow, a primevil instinct allows me to put the kettle on and make a bucket of tea. The angel of the morning isn't quite dead yet, not far of it, but not quite.

My theory about the total inability of the bodies sensory or muscular system to 'kick in' when you get up ,until 3 buckets of tea have been consumed is all down to the brain in the skull cavity. When you lie in bed the brain like scots porridge oats slops to the back of the brain cavity, the furthest point from the sensory organs which are situated mainly at the front of the skull, so everythings dissconnected when you go to bed, rather like turning off the telly and things when you go to bed. It helps you to you sleep, i s'pose. When you leap out of bed the foreward momentum presses the brain even harder against the back of the skull and it takes the congealed porridge of your brain a few minutes and lots of tea to slop to the base of the brain cavity and reconnect to eyes and ears and tongue, etc. And only then does the world gradually come into focus. I can even put the telly on ,Sky News and cannot believe that at this ungodly hour there is a smart, groomed,smiling, chirpy, sincere, earnest politician being interviewed by Eamon Holmes, at least he always looks like he's just out of bed.

The other puzzling thing about getting out of bed is how much hair you seem to have. At no other time of the day are you that hairy!... You could go and have a No 1 crewcut, but when you get up at some ungodly hour, hair is sticking up all over the place. My theory is that as you lie there relaxed your 'barnet' is influenced by the Earths magnetic field. I've seen pictures on the Discovery channel showing the magnetic field and it looks like my head in the morning. Ah well i'll have plenty of early morning starts to reflect on these things over the next god knows how many years, the 'Little 'un's'at big skool.

WE MAY BE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE, BUT GEORGE 'DUBYA'S' GONNA WORK SOMETHING OUT TO SAVE US, THERE, NOW DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ?-

There is a pile of finance companies in the 'good ol' U.S.of.A, which go by names like 'Red neck George Finklesteins'; Auntie delores's amalgamated ; Chuck n' Butch's money factory, mom's apple pie finances, etc, etc, all who seem to be having money troubles. But far from being the names of back water Kentucky shops n' banks out of old Beverley Hillbilly episodes, they're huge American finance corporations and they are having all kinds of money troubles, which ,apparently is screwing up the prices of unsmoked back bacon, Rice Kripies and teabags in Asda over here. So as the world plummets down towards this financial catastrophe of one of old or new testament or even biblical proportions. Banks, building societies, etc close or have to be bailed out by the Bank of England,staff are booted to hell out of it and theres nothing else on Sky News between Eamon Holmes and the weather n' adverts, but financial 'shock horror, breaking, latest financial updates. But its alright, theres nothing to worry about. No! George 'Dubya' Bush is going to work on solving the cash crisis that threatens to engulf us all. He will be aided in this task of averting this financial meltdown by the man who sold all our gold reserves, lost us all our pensions and made it so we can'retire untill we're about 96, the 'boy' wonder, Mr Gordon Brown. There i told you, it'd be ok.

I wonder why the money and finances of the world aren't left to bankers and experts in finance whose aim is to keep the money and wealth flowing, admittedly ,some going their way, but that is a little more understandable than having the finances of the world totally dependant on bastard politicians, party politics,opinion polls , presidential candidates, spin doctors, etc, etc. Imagine going in to hospital for an emergency operation and instead of a surgeon they dragged in a politician, because his party cares and wants to save your life and to show the British public how ,not only is the NHS safe in their hand ,but he can whip your spleen out too. The patient may die, but a goverment spokesman would put a positive spin on it, so all would be well, well not for you, but your dead .