THE DISCOVERY OF GRAVITATIONAL WAVES HAS CHANGED SCIENCE AND COST BILLIONS ...I DISCOVERED THEM YEARS AGO..THEY'VE STOPPED ME GETTING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING FOR YEARS!

A little scruffy shaggy haied fellah in slippers ,puffing on a pipe gazing into the distance on a comfy couch sometime around the beginning of the century by the power of thought alone discovered and solved all the problems of life the universe n' everything. A certain Mr ALBERT EINSTEIN and his infamous thought experiments. What would it be like to ride on a beam of light ,etc caused him to come out with ideas and theories that have had scientists trying to disprove all this time and with all the increasing technology and thousands , millions and now billions of various currencies and construction of amazing laboratories, machines and space probes basically still havent beaten 'ol Albert!'

One of his theories the GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY isn't anything to do with how time drags and passes much slower when the family come to visit.....Which i'm sure can be scientiffically proven. It'd be interesting to see the equivalent E=MC2 formula for that one. But the theory created a thing called space time and how the mass of an object distorts space and time to form that ground sucking droopy body causing thing we call gravity.

Part of the theory that they've searched for with ridiculously exspensive massive and fantastically sensitive , mainly laser beam -themed devices is to detect a thing called GRAVITATIONAL WAVES caused by massive objects spinning around each other at increasing speeds , like BLACK HOLES and NEUTRON STARS and all kinds of interstellar goodies like that. These cause waves and ripples of distorted space time to drift across space. But through the years these incredibly sensitive lasers have picked up traffic in other countries and mouse farts from a 1000 miles away , but not our longed for theoretical Gravitational waves.

I discovered them years ago. They've been slamming into me after billions of light years journeys like a blacksmiths mallet flattening and tempering a plate of iron. This has left me tempered(bad!)...And flat out on my bed in the mornings unable to rise with the lark, but STEVE WRIGHT in the afternoon ,more like! It's not my fault , Einstein explained it and proved it ....I'm a victim of the forces of the universe.

TOMMY WAS A DEAF DUMB 'N' BLIND BOY WHO COULD PLAY A MEAN PIN-BALL,BUT AT 6.30.A.M, TIMMY'S DEAF, DUMB 'N' BLIND AND CAN PLAY F***K ALL !!

My darlin' dearest 'Little 'un started 'Big Skool' this week. She's loving it. The missus, the Lovely Lynne is upset as she's "lost her 'little girl', and i'm F***ked as i've got to get out of my bed an hour or so earlier. Getting out of bed has never been something i've been good at, but as i grow older and need my 15 hours more and more, i seem to be getting less and less. When i awake on pure instinct,as at this point, concious thought doesn't enter into the equation at any level. I leap out of bed. My legs are unable to support the upper levels as they haven't woken yet, buckle, causing me to crash over a variety of bedside cabinets, then a few seconds later are the cause of me falling 'arse over tit' down the stairs. When i crawl into the kitchen, totally devoid of any sensory stimulation. Somehow, a primevil instinct allows me to put the kettle on and make a bucket of tea. The angel of the morning isn't quite dead yet, not far of it, but not quite.

My theory about the total inability of the bodies sensory or muscular system to 'kick in' when you get up ,until 3 buckets of tea have been consumed is all down to the brain in the skull cavity. When you lie in bed the brain like scots porridge oats slops to the back of the brain cavity, the furthest point from the sensory organs which are situated mainly at the front of the skull, so everythings dissconnected when you go to bed, rather like turning off the telly and things when you go to bed. It helps you to you sleep, i s'pose. When you leap out of bed the foreward momentum presses the brain even harder against the back of the skull and it takes the congealed porridge of your brain a few minutes and lots of tea to slop to the base of the brain cavity and reconnect to eyes and ears and tongue, etc. And only then does the world gradually come into focus. I can even put the telly on ,Sky News and cannot believe that at this ungodly hour there is a smart, groomed,smiling, chirpy, sincere, earnest politician being interviewed by Eamon Holmes, at least he always looks like he's just out of bed.

The other puzzling thing about getting out of bed is how much hair you seem to have. At no other time of the day are you that hairy!... You could go and have a No 1 crewcut, but when you get up at some ungodly hour, hair is sticking up all over the place. My theory is that as you lie there relaxed your 'barnet' is influenced by the Earths magnetic field. I've seen pictures on the Discovery channel showing the magnetic field and it looks like my head in the morning. Ah well i'll have plenty of early morning starts to reflect on these things over the next god knows how many years, the 'Little 'un's'at big skool.