TOMMY WAS A DEAF DUMB 'N' BLIND BOY WHO COULD PLAY A MEAN PIN-BALL,BUT AT 6.30.A.M, TIMMY'S DEAF, DUMB 'N' BLIND AND CAN PLAY F***K ALL !!

My darlin' dearest 'Little 'un started 'Big Skool' this week. She's loving it. The missus, the Lovely Lynne is upset as she's "lost her 'little girl', and i'm F***ked as i've got to get out of my bed an hour or so earlier. Getting out of bed has never been something i've been good at, but as i grow older and need my 15 hours more and more, i seem to be getting less and less. When i awake on pure instinct,as at this point, concious thought doesn't enter into the equation at any level. I leap out of bed. My legs are unable to support the upper levels as they haven't woken yet, buckle, causing me to crash over a variety of bedside cabinets, then a few seconds later are the cause of me falling 'arse over tit' down the stairs. When i crawl into the kitchen, totally devoid of any sensory stimulation. Somehow, a primevil instinct allows me to put the kettle on and make a bucket of tea. The angel of the morning isn't quite dead yet, not far of it, but not quite.

My theory about the total inability of the bodies sensory or muscular system to 'kick in' when you get up ,until 3 buckets of tea have been consumed is all down to the brain in the skull cavity. When you lie in bed the brain like scots porridge oats slops to the back of the brain cavity, the furthest point from the sensory organs which are situated mainly at the front of the skull, so everythings dissconnected when you go to bed, rather like turning off the telly and things when you go to bed. It helps you to you sleep, i s'pose. When you leap out of bed the foreward momentum presses the brain even harder against the back of the skull and it takes the congealed porridge of your brain a few minutes and lots of tea to slop to the base of the brain cavity and reconnect to eyes and ears and tongue, etc. And only then does the world gradually come into focus. I can even put the telly on ,Sky News and cannot believe that at this ungodly hour there is a smart, groomed,smiling, chirpy, sincere, earnest politician being interviewed by Eamon Holmes, at least he always looks like he's just out of bed.

The other puzzling thing about getting out of bed is how much hair you seem to have. At no other time of the day are you that hairy!... You could go and have a No 1 crewcut, but when you get up at some ungodly hour, hair is sticking up all over the place. My theory is that as you lie there relaxed your 'barnet' is influenced by the Earths magnetic field. I've seen pictures on the Discovery channel showing the magnetic field and it looks like my head in the morning. Ah well i'll have plenty of early morning starts to reflect on these things over the next god knows how many years, the 'Little 'un's'at big skool.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE BEGINNING OR THE END OF THE MEN'S 400 M'S, OR SOME OF THE SPECTATORS IN THE OLYMPIC SMOG --Tim Leatherbarrow

At this moment in a cloud of smog, far, far away, the chinese are beginning the opening celebrations of the 2008 olympic games. In the middle of Beijing, after flattening a few thousand houses and appartments ,much to the unpleasant suprise of the people who lived there, those pleasant smiling chappies of the ruling communist party built the biggest birds nest on the planet. Well, we assume it's the biggest birds nest on the planet, as no body can see the bloody thing. The new, open and honest communist party have honestly and openly placed a massive security cordon around the stadium to keep everybody away from this architectural masterpiece(as birds nests go, it's the best.) But aside from smiling security, theres a thick billowing cloud of smog and various pollutants. Apparently the chinese goverment have closed down all their factories and taken THREE MILLION cars off the road, and, still, you can't see your hand in front of your coughing and spluttering face, never mind the biggest birds nest on the planet.

It should be fascinating watching these highly trained, peak of fitness athletes sweating ,gasping and panting trying to catch their breath, due to their exertions. And, thats before they compete in their event. That'll be coming out into that Beijing 'air' and taking their tracksuit off. Will they be able to hear the start gun over the 100,00 spectators gasping, wheezing and coughing their lungs up all the day long. Well, on the plus side, we've got an excuse for our no doubt pathetic haul of medals. "I couldn't breathe....I couldn't see where to throw/jump/run...I couldn't find the track/stadium". Tessa'a jowls, the minister said on the news that Team G.B.(hmmm!) will do their best for the country, winning and medals aren't important, they will do their best, well, thats alright then.