LUV,LUV, LUV, AND EVEN MORE LUV N' STUFF....WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?..I'LL WAIT 'TILL THE POST MORTEM!

LOVE!.....AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh isn't it lovely?.....We all fall in love ,our brain apparently is disconnected and the heart is brought into the equation ,or is it 'the gut'?, but that is'nt too romantic....Romance is the word that applies to all things LOVE-related...And has become a multi billion money making industry as everything from flowers to rare stones and jewellry; Greetings cards; Food; cloths ; Places ;Shows : everything is now considered  as fair game and can be considered romantic. 

Romance and love is considered ,well lovely ,pure ,good ,decent  and  is the mainstay of the  music industry ,just think how many songs of all kinds are about boys n' girls ,not  'banging the lumps of each other , sweating and grunting lustily ,no way!...Love is lovely smiles ,twinkling eyes ; Holding hands ;Thinking all the time of the subject of your love ,generally referred to as the 'BELOVED!'  ....Actually its potentially very dangerous as ,apparently the object  of your desire fills your waking and sleeping hours ,so if your not concenterating on the tasks in hand, sleep deprivation could affect your performance and temperament , in fact this love struck exhaustion could interfere with your love, as you become bad tempered and tired and possibly unemployed as your boss is sick and tired of the sparkly eyed ,happy love struck pain in the arse screwing up his business and annoying everybody around. This could cloud the light of perfection that your beloved sees you with her rose coloured spectacles, and being in love could screw it up for you . Very comlicated thing this love stuff!

When GOD created EDEN and stuck ADAM there ,he was getting really pissed off with this boring bastard that he'd lumbered himself with. It wasn't really Adam's fault he was the only person in the world so his conversation and experiances and funny stories and opinions on life ,sport and current affairs was a little lacking ,to put it mildly.

God dropped another fellah there with him for company, they could go to the pub together ,but the pubs were emptier than they are these days. They could talk football, but the remier league wasn't around and being as this was paradise EDEN CITY F.C. never lost a game, so that never worked the two were twice as boring as the one.

God thought this original 'Gay Marriage 'wasn't really working , so he took the 'partner 'and adapted the 'dangly bits' converting to lumps and bumps which became EVE....When Adam saw her ,in shock he exclaimed  "WO!, man?" ,so God thought ,"Thats a good name ..WOMAN!"

The dangly bits and lumpy bits didn't really have the desired effect, Eve used to go off and went on the very first fruit diet which got them thrown out of EDEN, still not attracted to the woman Adam blurted "Oh cover yourself up , woman!"....She demanded the same , so when they covered themselves in fig leaves a very strange thing occurred .They fancied each other rotten ,even though they new full well what lay beneath the fig leaves, they desperatly wanted to  see the wares , the brain was disconnected as the body became a bubbling cauldron of biochemicals and  after a lot of very strange experimentation sex and lust was invented.

There was no such thing as love , just slobbering lust and sex....They didn't have babies in those days they 'Begat!'.....If you look in the Bible the first 400 pages are these brothers begatting each other ,so as there was no other women ,they were the most inbred family ,ever!....In fact it is this that has caused mankind to be the sickest ,most deranged bunch of maniacs in creation.

God decided that this surge in sex crazed nutters had to be staunched. By dabbling with the body chemicals and  moving the 'busy' bits from groin to heart by playing disco music he created love ,so that man and woman would fall in love rather than plunge into lust. Marriage and families and all those dubious ofshoots of love came into being....

Love was invented to cut down on unadulterated non stop sexual  practises, sex was tempered by love,  which will come as no great suprise to most husbands

Think of the BEATLES  for instance.....Love is one of the main lynch pins of their out put  they were in the 60's the LOVE GENERATION????....Everything was 'PEACE N' LOVE!"....It could be possibly blamed on the Beatles . 

But even the love peddlers, those great 'cute mop'eads ' from the banks of the Mersey mud , if you look ,possibly unintentionally exposed the drawbacks of love. They sang about all the stereotypical sissy stuff about love and romance ,etc , etc, but if you look chronalogically at their romantic output. By just dipping in here and there we start with 'LOVE ME DO!'....'SHE LOVES YOU!'....'ALL MY LOVING!'.....'A HARD DAYS NIGHT( not too romantic ,is the rot setting in ?)....YESTERDAY!'..(A broken heart!)....HELP!....(Says it all !!) 

True love was when you suddenly went into school one day ....The previous day you hated sissy 'GURLS!'....Then some girl smiles at you and  'BOOM!' You follow her home spending months  making an absolute prick of yourself trying to impress her and get her attention. Later at secondary school ,your first school disco standing around with your mates until the last song of the night ,ussually ,at the time 'JE T'AIME!'....You had three minutes to ask some girl to dance ;Swa some inane smalltalk ,hopefully leading up to a snog and ossibly being allowed to walk her home. If you were successful you were floating above the ground for days until you returned to school and your dreams were dashed as she was totally unmoved by this earth shattering experiance and had virtually ,or wanted to totally forget it and you!

Men who ,originally had problems with the love over sex stuff, whereas woman seemed more comfortable with it....Men will love their lady wife ,forgiving their flaws, failures, etc ,but women are quite happy to point out your failures ,stupidities, ugly points, imperfections, but somehow it seems to work ,generally. Listen to the 60's pop music and soul and Disco of the 70's it 's all explained by THE MONKEE'S and BARRY WHITE!!!

ORIGINAL SIN OR ORIGINAL DIET ???.....IF EVE HAD STAYED ON THE ATKINS DIET WOULD WE STILL BE IN PARADISE ???...

                                  Long ago a couple of days after the world was very kindly created in a week long rush job by the supreme being known as GOD  to his mates, the single occupant of this paradise ,well it was starting to look like that once all the rubble ,diggers and skips had been moved....Well the lone resident was a fellah called ADAM. I imagine he was quite pleased even if he didn't have a clue what in gods name was going on,he probably didn't know who god was until he stood by him humming and muttering pessimistically, rubbing his beard over wether he could squeeze a mountain range before the horizon ,or wether a verdant forest could be inserted over here ,or over there, etc. Lets face it builders are builders wether they be supreme beings or not!

The garden of EDEN as it was called was very nice and everything ADAM could want for was there ,if he had any idea what he wanted for. Adam ,to be honest ,although he didn't know it was lonely and bored, he was the only person in the world ,so there wasn't even anything to watch on the telly, there was plenty of nature around him, but nobody to make the nature programmes ,i mean this is a long time ago ,even before DAVID ATTENBOROUGH¬

GOD had an idea .ADAM went to sleep one night and woke up in the morning and came out with the first mouthful of expletives ,since the dawn of creation ...The reason for this outburst of swearwords was because as he sat up a pain shot through his side due to the nocturnal removal of a couple of his ribs by GOD?....Now having busted a couple of ribs in my time i can appreciate how ADAM felt. Once he'd calmed down and stopped swearing GOD revealed his grand design....

It was what would become known as  woman in biological terms, but for now she was called EVE. ADAM was a little flabbergasted....She had a lumpy hairless chest and absolutly NO DANGLY BIT?????.....But funnily enough it wasn't unpleasant to look at and ADAMS dangly bit seemed to lose a bit of its 'dangle' for some reason. They both weren't too attracted to each other, but felt awkward and went about covering bits of themselves up. When this had taken place a funny thing happened the more they covered themselves up ,the more they wanted to rip the others covering off???.....GOD sat them both down and 'HAD A TALK' about things n' mummies n' daddies ,etc,etc. He also 'SPAKE UNTO THEM!', as thats what gods do rather than 'TALK TOO!' about living in paradise and populating the planet.

Eve was a woman and the only thing she was worrying about populating the world was losing her figure! As every woman has and will no doubt continue to do so ,she investigated various diets. God told them to leave an apple on a tree alone, but EVE who'd just had a few months on a meat only diet THE ATKINS DIET ,i think its called, decided with the help of the DEVIL disguised as a serpent whispering in her ear to start a fruit diet and started with a chunk out of a certain off limits apple, whereas if she'd stuck with the ATKINS diet she may well have bitten a chunk out of the serpent, i believe snake meat is very tasty. If she'd done that we'd all be living in paradise.

When THE LOVELY LYNNE goes out in the morning with her packet of fruit ,bananas,apples ,etc, i imagine her with her lunch of chopped serpant ,if things'd been different once long ago.

GOD DIDN'T CREATE THE UNIVERSE, HE NICKED THE IDEA FROM ,STEPHEN HAWKING

STEPHEN HAWKING, recently announced that there wasn't any need for GOD in the creation of the universe. The BIG BANG;The creation of time n' space n' the creation of the force of GRAVITY n' all that stuff ,well, Just happened!...So not unaturally the shit hit the fan. As we all know everything is like it is ,cos of a nice fellah with a toga and a beard.Thats the picture that all the religions have pumped out since time imemorial. Thats why this 'lovely bloke',who made us all and is still taking care of his favourite planet and followers. If this jolly nice caring chap did create the universe why does he look like a human grandad?

We live on a grotty mediocre planet on an outer ring of a grotty mediocre galaxy in a grotty mediocre group of galaxies in a grotty mediocre corner of the universe. If there is a god ,how do we know he's not a scaly ,tentacled ,slimey mass of teeth and claws like something from ALIEN. If he did , that'd bugger up all the holy books ,bibles ,korans and screw up the whole religous setup. If god looked that horrible ,imagine what the angels ,etc would be like. HEAVEN doesn't look quite so appealing now. Instead of fluffy clouds and harps, i keep thinking of the flightdeck of the deep space mining ship NOSTROMO in RIDLEY SCOTT'S classic'ALIEN'. Now ,if thats heaven ,just imagine what the other place would be like.

THE BIRDS N' THE BEE'S, GIRLS IN VERY SHORT TIGHT SKIRTS, THE GOOD LORD MADE THEM ALL...THE DIRTY DEVIL!

The other day as i was standing on the train platform awaiting the," delayed due to signalling problems", but arriving five minutes early(?) train to the fair city of Liverpool. I stood calm and relaxed. All bodily functions and levels as 'labelled on the packet'. Until, from nowhere came a girl, obviously 'going into town'. To the keen observer, 'girls going into town can be determined and recognised by the tall hair; short skirt and high heels. The skirt was so tight it had to be a size or so smaller than her skin. This had a not altogether beneficial effect on my aforementioned bodily functions and levels which suddenly 'flew off the scales'....As i'm a happily married middle aged ol' fart.(i can admit to it, just!)... I tried, and failed miserably to avert my cross-eyed gaze and to return my swollen tongue to its lair inside my mouth, from where it had suddenly decided it wanted to reaquaint itself with my chin and nostrils and share spit n' drool. Its a sign your getting old when a part of you on seeing such 'a sight' wonders."Does her father know she goes out like that?"

But as she stood posing and pouting half naked tottering even as she stood still on her 18 inch stilletto platform heeled shoes on the Liverpool side of the track. On the 'other side of the track', which to every scouser is the Manchester line. And the girls stood there going into Manc-land were Middle -eastern and wrapped in various scarves from head to foot.As their religion or culture demanded. They want to keep wrapped up, fine .The Liverpool Lou,slave to the demands of fashion, religion not playing too big a part in it. She wanted to be unwrapped, fine. I dont imagine god was too upset,in either case as some would imagine. As we all know God's a bearded wise old fellah. He designed women to attract men. And unlike most creative artists, given a blank canvas he created the whole universe, it has to be said, that knocks Da-Vinci;MichaelAngelo; VanGogh and Walt Disney(at a push) into a cocked hat.They earned a few bob drawing women and god himself. But he designed and created the original design for women,the MK1 sporty models, as well as the more functional models and designs. Either way women ,without doubt are , i think,in my considered(but not by many)opinion, is one of his best designs, so when the female form is 'shown off', or not,as the case may be, as long as its appreciated he should be rightly proud.

I wonder why he never signed his work.

STAINS;WHY DO WOMEN WANT TO ERADICATE THEM AND MEN WISH TO CULTIVATE THEM......

(Control yourself, Cathy!) One of my inciteful ,finger on the pulse blurbings, rantings and general blatherings, recently finished with my mentioning that i had to go and put my rubber gloves, flowery pinny and various househusbanding acrutiaments(jeez! i'll have to bring the dictionary in here, one day!)....And do my cleaning before the return of the Lovely Lynne from her day at doing what banking people do to help the down-trodden masses. This image of me in a flowery pinny and a pair of marigolds excited a lovely young lady,CATHY SIMPSON, of whom i have mentioned. and who's details are on my link thingey on this here very blog wot you are trolling through (but off to the right hand side of the page.). Over the last week i have filled her waking hours and maybe even her sleeping hours(it could happen) with these images and thoughts. Then a major step in our pinny based communications took place when my collection of pinny stains entered the dialogue. This is where the male ,female differences came to the fore. She made typical girly suggestions about getting the pinny washed. To which, aghast and appalled i replied that stains aren't just dirty marks....Stains are moments in time, every stain has a history. Like any geologist will tell you rock strata are from definite time periods in the history of our planet and the knowledge of the world is within these strata. Likewise the layers of my various stains tell of my time as a cartooning blog-blathering houseslave. The organic mix on the pinny's material has given the spark of life to a whole new ecosystem, judging by the scratching i do when i'm wearing it. I am the creator, am i a god?.... Or is the universe just a stain on a flowery pinny, part of another universe ,a stain on another flowery pinny? Going on and on forever, an infinity of flowery pinny's?????....(There!Who said i can't think deep thoughts!)

Cathy suggested that the Proffessional Cartoonist Organisation would cough up for a new pinny and the existing one could be displayed for the benefit of the world. I'm not sure my ethics, morals and beliefs would allow me to do this, but if there's money involved???



The only other problem is that the pinny is in a specially constructed biologically sterile bunker 500 ft below ground. Anybody who's ever seen the ANDROMEDA STRAIN will understand. Then Cathy started on about me not wearing trousers, typical woman! Here i am creating life and all she wants to talk about is sex!