TIME HAS BEEN AROUND LONG BEFORE EINSTEIN INVENTED IT!

Time is a funny old thing , it's been around for years. In fact it might be the oldest thing in the whole universe and it's still getting older and dragging us along. Time is a pure wonderful thing that zooms through eternity as an arrow of time. While our version of time is a thing called aging!....Time and space are fantastical effects in the physics of the universe ,whereas ,for us it's not the physics ,but the physical....Or the decay and decline of our physical being due to a nice little thing called the LAW OF ENTROPY!....This is quite simply the 'Falling apart of everything over time. Listen to the cracking and clicking of your bones and feel your aches and pains as you get up in the morning, You thought that was old age ,which it is ,but it is much more it is one of the basic laws of physics one of a couple of laws of thermodynamics!....There ,y'go, sounds a little better than arthritus or lumbago!

We think of time as that pain in the arse thing that causes the alarm clock to ring in the morning and makes us rush as we are late for work ,etc and is the reason for rushing and cramming onto busse,trains, the tube and the gridlocked motorway system as we all rush to get to wherever 'ON TIME!'....Times physical form seems to be  traditionally bells, from the start of the day with the alarm clock to the vastly more dreaded bell that signifies "LAST ORDERS!" in the local boozer.

What is TIME?....How long does it last?...Is it a second, an hour, a day, a week , a year?????....We have atomic clocks that measure billionths of a second, However we can measure it in either direction ,the small or the large time fills that measurement. We have watches to measure seconds hours ,days and months; We have diaries covering days to years; Doctor Who has his 500-year diary!

A lot happens over time ,we are used to stuff happening instantly ,with computers and the rush of day to day life and living, but major 'stuff' is going on a lot slower and mainly unoticed. Through time the universe was formed ,the Earth was formed; Life formed and slimey stuff climbed out of  strange oceanic soups and crawled over that dry stuff which in later years we called 'The Land'. These little 'yukky' thingies eventually developed, or evolved in a thing called EVOLUTION ,ask a certain MR DARWIN about all that, but something daft happened and tiny crustacheans became 200 foot dinosaurs. Which in millions of years would evolve into a thing called 'SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES' for the lazy movie buffs that the dinosaurs ,etc would be replaced by over time.

Nothing stays still as time passes , mountains grew and disappeared ,oceans came and went; continents ground against each other and formed new mountain ranges ;continents split and stuff like a lump of rock which would evolve into America over the other side of the developing planet....There may've been volcanoes and eartquakes destroying and shaping the planet, but at least America is 'over the 'pond' which was also formed.

A lot has happened the planet was shaped by comets destroying the dinosaurs , Man evolved ,invented fire n' wheels n' soap operas and even there was a time England won the world cup ,a lot has happened through time.

But things happen over time which may not be epoch lasting ,world-changing, but defy the laws of living and life. When i was a younger lad and we'd go out on 'the razzle' on the weekend, we'd be looking for something to wear to impress 'the chicks' at the Liverpool nightclubs. At the beginning of the week i'd dump my dirty ,highly pungent socks n' 'Bills' ( Bill grundies....Undies!)....Into the laundry basket like workers in radioactive labs carefully inserting the radioactive core rods into the reactor core. At the end of the week you were looking for socks n' 'Bills', but couldn't find any ,so you'd root around in the laundry basket and!......Your SOCKS N' BILLS DIDN'T SMELL...Quite as bad!.....They could be worn, go on , you know what i'm talkin' about!.....This is a real example of  Times effect on organic (sort of ) life forms.....As sometimes i was sure the socks n' Bills moved themselves. My socks n' bills evolved over time and cleaned themselves!? 

Time does have it's mysteries which will never be solved ,but affect us in our daily lives. Most of us wear a watch and many of those watches have a little square hole with a number signifying the day of the month by the number 3 (quarter past). The date hole is normally quite small so they put a thick block of glass to cover it and magnify the date number. The unbreakable law of physics is that whenever you want to look at the date ,IT IS ALWAYS QUARTER PAST!!!?...So whenever you need the date you cant as the finger of time is pointing to 3 ,covering the date, So you have to hang on for a few minutes into the next day to get todays date.

What is time ? Is it the point when Doctor Who starts on a Saturday night, or the kick off for the football ....( or Rugby!) ?......Or is it old black n' white telly or films, so you know its old , or does time exist in the real world outside of the telly screen? The guy who 'sorted it' was a well known ,now scruffy pipe smoking patent clerk who would one day have possibly the most famous moustaches in history. Yep!..You guessed it ALBERT EINSTEIN.

Einstein must've been a funny bloke as he sat and conducted his 'THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS' imaging why things happened ,like "What would it be like to sit on a beam of light!"....Usual stuff like that. Must've been great fun to go to the boozer with him. He developed to amazing theories that even todays smartarses want to prove wrong can't! He did the SPECIAL(Involving high speed travel) and GENERAL( Gravity n' stuff!) THEORIES OF RELATIVITY. And all together now!!!....E=MC2!!!

It's all clever complicated stuff, but he basically said that SPACE N' TIME are linked into a thing called SPACETIME. Basically there is no time as such ,the forces of  energy n' mass distort space and time which is gravity and all the stars and planets spinning through space under the influence of distorted spacetime. And just to make it a bit more interesting if you fly through space at great speeds and distances say from Earth Time is totally shot!....A ship leaving the Earth would seem ok on board, but time would slow for them as it would speed up in relative terms, so on return ,possibly hundreds of years could have passed on the Earth for a few years on a very high speed ship.

An airplane flying overhead exists on a different ,albeit a tiny bit of a different time , they will be aging slower than us on the floor. Your sat navs have to be tuned into the satellites, but allowance has to be made for relative changes in the passage of time to get it to tell ,accuratly where you are.....roughly....That field 5 miles from where you want. But although time is a variable time travel will never happen as the universes speed limit is the speed of light. Light has little ,if any mass ,so you could carry a lot without straining yourself, but as it flashes through space Mass is negligable so it's virtually Energy =C-speed of light 2, so thats a lot of energy ,almost a universe full ,theoretically it could manage 9.999999999999999999999999999999999999% recurring the speed of light! If you could overtake that maybe the universe would seem to go backwards. They theorise Tachyons actually live on the other side of the light limit, so they exist in a backward universe.

So theres no going back to kill your grandad....So you wont exist ,so you can't kill your grandad, so you can exist and go back to kill your grandad ,so you wont exist, etc, etc ,as the 'good Doctor would say you 've created a 'time loop'. What would happen if you went back , met your grandparents to be and fell in love with your grandmother ,to be and 'you got together!'......So your seed was planted back 'in the day!'....What kind of time loop would that form?.....Maybe a time coil would've been better! 

WOMEN SHOULD WEIGH THEMSELVES WHEN A GIANT ASTEROID IS FLYING PAST THE EARTH !

As every man on gods planet knows the lady in his life is always getting fat,putting on weight and weighing too much and has to lose a bit of excess baggage. There's no point argueing although you are expected to, if you disagree your talking absolute rubbish and don't have a clue what your talking about. God forbid if you agree your in dead trouble, my son!... So you can't win. The carpets around the house depending where they are show a little bit of wear and tear as they are constantly getting stood on. There is another really badly battered 12 inch by 12 inch patch that suffers from constant standing upon and that is the top of the bathroom scales in the bathroom. This is  where the love of your life peers intently studying the number of pounds or grams on the scales dial like a scientific experiment check of results to determine the difference from the last time they stood on the device only to normally have their heart broken and ego destroyed.

The Earth is a massive lump of rock and as Mr EINSTEIN told us massive objects have a suction pulling us in called GRAVITY. The planet is relatively circular and a womans weight would be roughly the same anywhere on the planet. But imagine if there was fluctuations in the GRAVITATIONAL FIELD ....If there was a country where the field was weaker and women weighed a lot less that place would be the most popular place for women to visit .....Due to this reason, the influx of weight concious women flooding this 'place '..There tourist trade would go through the roof, with the ladies and a few less weight concious blokes might find their way there for their own odious schemes and reasons involing the ladies. The other booming industry for this part of the world would be for BATHROOM SCALES...The ladies wouldn't be able to spend enough time on them.

On the odd ocassion a giant spinning lump of rock called an asteroid comes barrelling through the vacumn of space and skims by our beloved home planet. The asteroids are nowhere the size of the Earth , but a fair size and the odd collision through history has caused a mighty 'thwack' on the planet. One when the Earth was forming Hit the Earth and knocked a chunk out which formed our moon. Another destroyed most of the life on the planet ,mainly the dinosaurs. In the early 19th century an exploding asteroid flattened 500 square miles of trees in a huge forest in a region called TANGUSKA in Russia. Thankfully the destruction caused by this space debris seems to be falling ferocity and devastation ,in fact the effect of the next could benothing more than a slight effect on bathroom scales around the world!

As the asteroids pass as one did only the other day, it must interfere with the Earths Gravitational field, weakening it slightly....So if in the bathroom the drops from the taps seem to drip slower or the edge of the bog paper doesnt hang down vertically or is horizontally level or even drifting verticlly up these are signs of fluctuations in the gravitational field. So as the asteroid flies over your housing estate get on the bathroom scales and hopefully this force from space will have the weighing pointer dropping to the safe welcoming left side of the dial so a few pounds are lost due to these cosmic forces from millions of light years away, so for a while your excess weight is 'LOST IN SPACE!'.

You dont have to hold your tummy in waiting for another asteroid to come tumbling from the KYPER BELT on the outer fringes of the solar system intowards us in the cosy sun-kissed centre, we have our beloved moon which as it also pulls on the Earth it pulls the oceans up towards it ,thats what causes the tides....If the Moon can pull the Pacific Ocean up towards itself it can pull a few pounds off your bathroom scales.

AIR POO-LLUTION

'Up There!'.....Theres nothing there as its only thin gas we know as air and if you toss a stone or something up it flips and plummets straight back down again twice as fast as it went up. Theres no way anything should be able to stay up there. Then your argument hits its first hiccup when the first birdie flutters by and shits on your car windscreen. Birds are amazing creatures with the gift of flight.....Well their exterior ,the feathered bit is gifted their insides arent as gifted,but as long as the insides stay inside all is well. When the remains of their last meal decide to make an appearence as happens with all of gods creatures, gravity snatches the disgusting mess from beneath the tail feathers plummetting down to splatter across the pristine windscreen or shampoo'ed hair of some poor pedestrian. This ,in our little land is a mere inconvenience, but when we lived in India and Malaysia and EAGLES,FALCONS,HAWKS,etc constantly circled high overhead . Their 'do's' were like being shit on by a shire horse from 800 feet. Natures very pretty and all that, but dont look up too often.

If you look up where we live you see a sky criss crossed with aircraft vapour trails, when you see a jet flying through a clear cloudless blue sky i cant help thinking"What in gods name is keeping it up?" The moisture and fuel droplets filter down over us as do the billowing clouds from local power stations and the flagrant emissions that bubble and billow forth from RUNCORN and WIDNES and various spots around the fragrant NORTH WEST. It all eventually falls from the skies ,as did the radiation from CHERNOBYLL all thoseyears ago ,i remember the weather forecasts reporting the progress of the radiation cloud. And i was in LIVERPOOL as it drifted over during a rainstorm, little irradiated raindrops dripping over our heads.

All the SPACE JUNK building up ,sattelites and space stations,etc some losing their orbital velocity and turning into a fireball as they hopefully burn up in the atmoshere, but not all the time. Hands up all you old farts who remember SKYLAB falling out of orbit ,not NASA's proudest moment ,landed in Australia, i think. But while all these goodies from bird muck to space stations are constantly pouring and tumbling out of the sky, theres even more mysterious and deadly forces at work. Dust and rocks, meteors and meteorites are burning through the skies. If your not too worried about the effect of a fair sized lump of rock fresh from the KEIPER BELT or the OORT CLOUD at the limits of the SOLAR SYSTEM, just ask any DINOSAUR what he thinks about meteorites. I was looking at a picture of a place called TSUNGUSKA(i think!), but a meteor exploded above the ground and flattened forests for 500 miles around all the trees flush with the deck radiating away from the blast zone.

At the risk of spreading fear and paranoia, the sky looks clear ,fresh and emty ,totally harmless ,but its not, actually as i've been typing this garbage a bird flew into the window of my studio ,put the fear of god up me ,stupid little feathered get!

IF EINSTEIN GOT IT WRONG ,MAYBE NEWTON DID TOO!....THE APPLE DIDNT FALL TO THE GROUND,BUT ROUND THE GROUND!

There was a time when people with a keen eye and a sharp mind used to see things and observe what was going on about them and this would spark thoughts and ideas which would drive them to discover why 'said' things happened and the forces involved. ISSAC NEWTON, supposedly sat in a garden watching an apple fall from a tree, some say actually onto his head. I would imagine the former being more likely to get a mind formulating the orbits, speed n' momentum of planets and moons within the SOLAR SYSTEM and unlocking the secrets of the force of GRAVITY, whereas the latter option would cause a mild concussive bump on the head followed by a torrent of bad language ,as ,apparently Newton was a bad tempered old fart.

ALBERT EINSTEIN imagined what it would be like to actually ride on a beam of light. This visualisation led to theories os special relativety and E=MC2, etc. In both cases these very special chaps changed the universe for all mankind ,having more effect on our knowledge of life, the universe n' everything than CAPTAIN KIRK, JEAN-LUC PICARD together....Maybe DOUGLAS ADAMS can claim to have made more sense of the universe.

My point ,yes believe it or not, there is one of sorts. Nowadays physicists are on telly in their own shows and guests on comedy chat shows of which there are a few. DR BRIAN COX, has a couple of series of him looking spiritual ,wind swept n' interesting on tops of mountains and glaciers, etc. But the main change is that the keen eyes and sharp minds that observe cause and effect of events around them now use that curiosity to formulate a stand-up routine for their LIVE AT THE APOLLO, or whatever ......Stand up comedy is the new science and discovery. Newtons apple would've gone into a sketch of how they land on your head and never in dog shit which you sit in when you sit under the apple tree, etc, etc. Or if you could ride a light beam, how could you get from home to the local ASDA carpark to get the shopping in, with our human reflexes we would have to put the brakes on instananeously ,but even then we would've circumnavigated the globe 846 times before we could stop at the store, then, of course at a 186,000 miles per second would it be better to use diesel or petrol and how long would it take to fill the tanks the size of Jupiter. Its sad, but the geniuses are being being taken over by smart arsed funny folk, not advancing humanity's knowledge of the universe ,but to get on a comedy panel show on SKY T.V.'s DAVE CHANNEL.

GOD DIDN'T CREATE THE UNIVERSE, HE NICKED THE IDEA FROM ,STEPHEN HAWKING

STEPHEN HAWKING, recently announced that there wasn't any need for GOD in the creation of the universe. The BIG BANG;The creation of time n' space n' the creation of the force of GRAVITY n' all that stuff ,well, Just happened!...So not unaturally the shit hit the fan. As we all know everything is like it is ,cos of a nice fellah with a toga and a beard.Thats the picture that all the religions have pumped out since time imemorial. Thats why this 'lovely bloke',who made us all and is still taking care of his favourite planet and followers. If this jolly nice caring chap did create the universe why does he look like a human grandad?

We live on a grotty mediocre planet on an outer ring of a grotty mediocre galaxy in a grotty mediocre group of galaxies in a grotty mediocre corner of the universe. If there is a god ,how do we know he's not a scaly ,tentacled ,slimey mass of teeth and claws like something from ALIEN. If he did , that'd bugger up all the holy books ,bibles ,korans and screw up the whole religous setup. If god looked that horrible ,imagine what the angels ,etc would be like. HEAVEN doesn't look quite so appealing now. Instead of fluffy clouds and harps, i keep thinking of the flightdeck of the deep space mining ship NOSTROMO in RIDLEY SCOTT'S classic'ALIEN'. Now ,if thats heaven ,just imagine what the other place would be like.

WITH EINSTEIN'S 'GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY' ALSO LEAD TO 'THE RELATIVE THEORY OF GENERAL INSANITY'.

Once upon a donkeys years ago, man was a fairly sensible sort of creature and was quite content to spend his time down on the 'flat', as opposed to the top of hills and mountains. He'd invent, build, farm, and get together in massive groups on a flat plain facing another massive group and proceed to beat the shit out of each other. They built boats to sail the flattish seas to find other flat plains were they could gather and beat the shit out of the 'home' gathering. As far as they were concerned hills and mountains were ok, if you could use them to grow grapes on the slopes to make the vino to help the fighting groups get 'tanked up' on the flat plain below for the forthcoming 'beating the shit out of'. As far as they were concerned going uphill was hard work, so the tops of the big hills and mountains were allocated as the homes of the gods, so, totally off limits to 'us mere mortals down on the 'flat'. This was before they invented gravity!...

Over in our part of the world , there was a pile of plain out n' out nutjobs who lived in the 'highlands' and would come racing down to the flat from time to time to batter the 'flattee's', but rarely would the 'flatee's' follow them back up, wisely thinking. "Why should i virtually kill meself and freeze me nuts off chasing them gobshites up the side of a mountain?".A fairly understandable sentiment, i think you bunch of lazy gets would sympathise with. In some places like the Alpine regions, esspecially. The farmers would move their cattle to the upper pastures in the summer and back down in the winter. They invented planks of wood to strap on their feet and with the aid of sticks tramp up the snowy slopes and sometimes use the planks of wood on their feet to slide back down on the snow. This was the ski. An aid to get to the village strasse ;the boozenfarter and back to the fraulein(???)er. And that was that.

When Issac Newton decided to invent gravity it was handy for getting apples out of trees, and working out where the moon would be, or where a cannon ball may drop. But the real streamlining of gravity was with a swiss chappie by the name of ALBERT EINSTEIN.

Before our hero gave the world the new sporty model of gravity. Gravity was this 'stuff' that kept you on the floor. There were a few strange sorts who wanted to oppose this perfectly natural force. They would risk life and limb and climb up almost vertical slopes and cliffs to get to the top of mountains ,"cos' it was there?". But man is basically a lazy git and much preferred coming down to busting a gut going up. So, somebody invented the cablecar so people could go up higher than your screaming thighs and howling calf muscles would let you walk, and then you could slide down on those wooden planks called ski's. The higher you went the faster you skied. Einstein, apparently was a keen skier. So, wether he discovered the Relative theory of general insanity, The only possible reason for hurling yourself off the top of a mountain to see how fast you can get to the bottom.(E=MC2....ego=madness x craziness 2 )... And if this inspired the general theory of relativity, which to the average non skier makes much more sense, we may never know.

But this fascination with gravity has made parts of the world into haunts of the rich n' famous,(thats not us)..Gravity has made the Alpine regions and the various countries thereabouts very rich indeed. Even richer now, since some maniac decided to launch a kiddie-sized bike off the top of a mountain when the snow wasn't about. The mountain bike craze had begun. So now the whole reigion has an ever expanding variety of ways of falling down mountains at ridiculous speeds in and out of the snowy season. I know this having just come back from LES GETS, in the FRENCH ALPS...As the week wore on the numbers of wrecked bikes and legs and arms in plaster mounted up. I think the skiers are ok, as apparently they do like to drink and have a good time...Whereas the bikers go back to their tent , van or hotel to fix their bike to wreck it again tomorrow ,then' hit the sack'. For my money i reckon the bikers are the real maniacs as they stay sober, so they've no excuse.