FARMING AND THE WONDERFUL VARIETY OF ANIMAL DROPPINGS AVAILIABLE !

IN A TIME BEFORE DELIAH SMITH !!!

In the good ol prehistoric primevil days 10,000,000 before they invented religion n' all the shit hit the fan for the rest of eternity...And the women looked like Raquel Welsh, the groups of cave persons....Youve got to be PC even in prehistoric references...Wandered the lands as hunters killing their food with sticks n' clubs which must've been awkward for capturing a Tyrannosaurus or hairy mammoth for tea!
As they ate nothing but raw meat before they learnt how to burn it with the invention of fire, they were full of proteins and  were more prone to cancer and dying as well as erectile dysfunction. One day some bearded wandering caveman looking for a dinosaur to scoff thought that a bit of Brontasaurus would taste a lot better with some chips, but he was knackered as chips are made from vegetables and vegetables hadn't been invented.
Meanwhile up in the smartarse part of the world ,in them days anyway in Egypt on the banks of the Nile there was lots of Egyptians living there and they ate fruits and berries and somebody thought that some of their food would be nice in a butty!...So they invented things like wheat and corn and invented bread and the sandwich.
Instead of wandering the land hunting they stayed by the river Nile were it wasn't all sand ,but mud and soil, they found by digging holes and putting funny coloured grass into the holes and discovered crops,i've no idea how they decided that it would be good to eat. Even more how wheat n cereal crops like they got aren't edible unless you treat and cook it into things like bread and porridge, how did the invent scottish breakfast cereal in Egypt?
They invented a sharp blade to carve trenches in the mud and called it a plough and people instead of wandering the land worked the land ,planting all kinds and vegetables were finally invented....Although they never invented the potato, the Irish did that and England invented the chip!
The hunter who run n' jumped about ,dying at an early age of bowel cancer, unable 'to get it up!' was replaced by a slower moving slightly stooped, bad tempered character with lots of muck in the grooves of their hand palms and under their jagged finger nails, chewing on bits of raw veg and later tobacco, which helped them develop the ability to spit huge globules of spit over equally vast distances with great accuracy! These very odd characters evolved into the modern farmer.
The hunters died out and the home loving farmers took root like their crops in little residences surrounded by fields full of crops , these places for farmers to live in were named 'farms!'
Over the centuries people still liked meat , they didn't become vegetarians , they liked their meat n' 2 veg ...This is probably a good thing ,apparently vegetables are good for you ,but in my own case ,although i've had very pleasant vegetable dinners , a veggie dinner gives me absolutly shockin' wind, i'm farting my brains out for a day or so. If the human race'd given up meat the planets greenhouse effect would've kicked in long long ago.
Animals moved into the farming routine and in some cases took over the routine of the farm . My family came from a dairy farm in the bogs of Ireland. Cows evolved so as to spend the day munching grass and to convert the grass via a line of stomachs to milk from ridiculousyhuge sack with 4 tits ,or udders, which allow them to be traditionally pulled by the farmers hands and a few buckets per cow a day, but now they are given a form of mechanical blow job...I'd imagine lifes not too bad for the cows. The bulls dont have it too bad either and are put into fields to 'fill their boots' with the lady cows, aside from 'spreading his seed ,a bull is used for his meat in another respect , mainly as food for us carnivourous blood dripping steak loving humans.
The wild boar has been replaced by the domesticated pig ,slopping about in his sty getting fat to be carved up for us carnivourous bacon butty loving humans !
Sheep are a strange creature whose fur has mutated so that us cold , trendy ,dapper humans can wear woolen socks ,suits ,sweaters to look dead smart and to block up the filter in your washing machine and spin dryer. When the sheep start losing their hair as all of us at a certain age the become lamb sunday dinners ,lovely ,but exspensive which i'm sure they'd be glad to know!
Horses have been tamed through the centuries ,from a form of transport ,the military had sleek stallion type horses to gallop around the land. Big hairy shire horse types were used to pull farm produce and were the workhorses, you dont really see them that much now ,the other sleek horses are for kids to ride as a hobby and as racehorses for the rich to gamble on and for those on benefits to help stay in the pub all the week, day n' night. Horses are bred n' trained on specific properties with stables and fields to leg around ,not really farms...My dad hated horses ,always said.."Bloody 'orses!..Dangerous both ends and bloody uncomfortable in the middle!"
Farmers are totally cold blooded when it comes to animals and their deaths. They devote their live 24/7 to maintaining the farm and keeping their stock healthy. My Granny would without a blink pick up a chicken in the yard and snap its neck and that was for dinner that day.
Farms have a variety of interesting smells, basically the smell of various animal shit!...I always quite liked cow muck ,not too pungent. Pigs are pungent ,but i got used to it and quite liked it, Horse shit ,just plain stinks!....May be good for the roses ,but not for me!

TIME HAS BEEN AROUND LONG BEFORE EINSTEIN INVENTED IT!

Time is a funny old thing , it's been around for years. In fact it might be the oldest thing in the whole universe and it's still getting older and dragging us along. Time is a pure wonderful thing that zooms through eternity as an arrow of time. While our version of time is a thing called aging!....Time and space are fantastical effects in the physics of the universe ,whereas ,for us it's not the physics ,but the physical....Or the decay and decline of our physical being due to a nice little thing called the LAW OF ENTROPY!....This is quite simply the 'Falling apart of everything over time. Listen to the cracking and clicking of your bones and feel your aches and pains as you get up in the morning, You thought that was old age ,which it is ,but it is much more it is one of the basic laws of physics one of a couple of laws of thermodynamics!....There ,y'go, sounds a little better than arthritus or lumbago!

We think of time as that pain in the arse thing that causes the alarm clock to ring in the morning and makes us rush as we are late for work ,etc and is the reason for rushing and cramming onto busse,trains, the tube and the gridlocked motorway system as we all rush to get to wherever 'ON TIME!'....Times physical form seems to be  traditionally bells, from the start of the day with the alarm clock to the vastly more dreaded bell that signifies "LAST ORDERS!" in the local boozer.

What is TIME?....How long does it last?...Is it a second, an hour, a day, a week , a year?????....We have atomic clocks that measure billionths of a second, However we can measure it in either direction ,the small or the large time fills that measurement. We have watches to measure seconds hours ,days and months; We have diaries covering days to years; Doctor Who has his 500-year diary!

A lot happens over time ,we are used to stuff happening instantly ,with computers and the rush of day to day life and living, but major 'stuff' is going on a lot slower and mainly unoticed. Through time the universe was formed ,the Earth was formed; Life formed and slimey stuff climbed out of  strange oceanic soups and crawled over that dry stuff which in later years we called 'The Land'. These little 'yukky' thingies eventually developed, or evolved in a thing called EVOLUTION ,ask a certain MR DARWIN about all that, but something daft happened and tiny crustacheans became 200 foot dinosaurs. Which in millions of years would evolve into a thing called 'SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES' for the lazy movie buffs that the dinosaurs ,etc would be replaced by over time.

Nothing stays still as time passes , mountains grew and disappeared ,oceans came and went; continents ground against each other and formed new mountain ranges ;continents split and stuff like a lump of rock which would evolve into America over the other side of the developing planet....There may've been volcanoes and eartquakes destroying and shaping the planet, but at least America is 'over the 'pond' which was also formed.

A lot has happened the planet was shaped by comets destroying the dinosaurs , Man evolved ,invented fire n' wheels n' soap operas and even there was a time England won the world cup ,a lot has happened through time.

But things happen over time which may not be epoch lasting ,world-changing, but defy the laws of living and life. When i was a younger lad and we'd go out on 'the razzle' on the weekend, we'd be looking for something to wear to impress 'the chicks' at the Liverpool nightclubs. At the beginning of the week i'd dump my dirty ,highly pungent socks n' 'Bills' ( Bill grundies....Undies!)....Into the laundry basket like workers in radioactive labs carefully inserting the radioactive core rods into the reactor core. At the end of the week you were looking for socks n' 'Bills', but couldn't find any ,so you'd root around in the laundry basket and!......Your SOCKS N' BILLS DIDN'T SMELL...Quite as bad!.....They could be worn, go on , you know what i'm talkin' about!.....This is a real example of  Times effect on organic (sort of ) life forms.....As sometimes i was sure the socks n' Bills moved themselves. My socks n' bills evolved over time and cleaned themselves!? 

Time does have it's mysteries which will never be solved ,but affect us in our daily lives. Most of us wear a watch and many of those watches have a little square hole with a number signifying the day of the month by the number 3 (quarter past). The date hole is normally quite small so they put a thick block of glass to cover it and magnify the date number. The unbreakable law of physics is that whenever you want to look at the date ,IT IS ALWAYS QUARTER PAST!!!?...So whenever you need the date you cant as the finger of time is pointing to 3 ,covering the date, So you have to hang on for a few minutes into the next day to get todays date.

What is time ? Is it the point when Doctor Who starts on a Saturday night, or the kick off for the football ....( or Rugby!) ?......Or is it old black n' white telly or films, so you know its old , or does time exist in the real world outside of the telly screen? The guy who 'sorted it' was a well known ,now scruffy pipe smoking patent clerk who would one day have possibly the most famous moustaches in history. Yep!..You guessed it ALBERT EINSTEIN.

Einstein must've been a funny bloke as he sat and conducted his 'THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS' imaging why things happened ,like "What would it be like to sit on a beam of light!"....Usual stuff like that. Must've been great fun to go to the boozer with him. He developed to amazing theories that even todays smartarses want to prove wrong can't! He did the SPECIAL(Involving high speed travel) and GENERAL( Gravity n' stuff!) THEORIES OF RELATIVITY. And all together now!!!....E=MC2!!!

It's all clever complicated stuff, but he basically said that SPACE N' TIME are linked into a thing called SPACETIME. Basically there is no time as such ,the forces of  energy n' mass distort space and time which is gravity and all the stars and planets spinning through space under the influence of distorted spacetime. And just to make it a bit more interesting if you fly through space at great speeds and distances say from Earth Time is totally shot!....A ship leaving the Earth would seem ok on board, but time would slow for them as it would speed up in relative terms, so on return ,possibly hundreds of years could have passed on the Earth for a few years on a very high speed ship.

An airplane flying overhead exists on a different ,albeit a tiny bit of a different time , they will be aging slower than us on the floor. Your sat navs have to be tuned into the satellites, but allowance has to be made for relative changes in the passage of time to get it to tell ,accuratly where you are.....roughly....That field 5 miles from where you want. But although time is a variable time travel will never happen as the universes speed limit is the speed of light. Light has little ,if any mass ,so you could carry a lot without straining yourself, but as it flashes through space Mass is negligable so it's virtually Energy =C-speed of light 2, so thats a lot of energy ,almost a universe full ,theoretically it could manage 9.999999999999999999999999999999999999% recurring the speed of light! If you could overtake that maybe the universe would seem to go backwards. They theorise Tachyons actually live on the other side of the light limit, so they exist in a backward universe.

So theres no going back to kill your grandad....So you wont exist ,so you can't kill your grandad, so you can exist and go back to kill your grandad ,so you wont exist, etc, etc ,as the 'good Doctor would say you 've created a 'time loop'. What would happen if you went back , met your grandparents to be and fell in love with your grandmother ,to be and 'you got together!'......So your seed was planted back 'in the day!'....What kind of time loop would that form?.....Maybe a time coil would've been better! 

WOMEN SHOULD WEIGH THEMSELVES WHEN A GIANT ASTEROID IS FLYING PAST THE EARTH !

As every man on gods planet knows the lady in his life is always getting fat,putting on weight and weighing too much and has to lose a bit of excess baggage. There's no point argueing although you are expected to, if you disagree your talking absolute rubbish and don't have a clue what your talking about. God forbid if you agree your in dead trouble, my son!... So you can't win. The carpets around the house depending where they are show a little bit of wear and tear as they are constantly getting stood on. There is another really badly battered 12 inch by 12 inch patch that suffers from constant standing upon and that is the top of the bathroom scales in the bathroom. This is  where the love of your life peers intently studying the number of pounds or grams on the scales dial like a scientific experiment check of results to determine the difference from the last time they stood on the device only to normally have their heart broken and ego destroyed.

The Earth is a massive lump of rock and as Mr EINSTEIN told us massive objects have a suction pulling us in called GRAVITY. The planet is relatively circular and a womans weight would be roughly the same anywhere on the planet. But imagine if there was fluctuations in the GRAVITATIONAL FIELD ....If there was a country where the field was weaker and women weighed a lot less that place would be the most popular place for women to visit .....Due to this reason, the influx of weight concious women flooding this 'place '..There tourist trade would go through the roof, with the ladies and a few less weight concious blokes might find their way there for their own odious schemes and reasons involing the ladies. The other booming industry for this part of the world would be for BATHROOM SCALES...The ladies wouldn't be able to spend enough time on them.

On the odd ocassion a giant spinning lump of rock called an asteroid comes barrelling through the vacumn of space and skims by our beloved home planet. The asteroids are nowhere the size of the Earth , but a fair size and the odd collision through history has caused a mighty 'thwack' on the planet. One when the Earth was forming Hit the Earth and knocked a chunk out which formed our moon. Another destroyed most of the life on the planet ,mainly the dinosaurs. In the early 19th century an exploding asteroid flattened 500 square miles of trees in a huge forest in a region called TANGUSKA in Russia. Thankfully the destruction caused by this space debris seems to be falling ferocity and devastation ,in fact the effect of the next could benothing more than a slight effect on bathroom scales around the world!

As the asteroids pass as one did only the other day, it must interfere with the Earths Gravitational field, weakening it slightly....So if in the bathroom the drops from the taps seem to drip slower or the edge of the bog paper doesnt hang down vertically or is horizontally level or even drifting verticlly up these are signs of fluctuations in the gravitational field. So as the asteroid flies over your housing estate get on the bathroom scales and hopefully this force from space will have the weighing pointer dropping to the safe welcoming left side of the dial so a few pounds are lost due to these cosmic forces from millions of light years away, so for a while your excess weight is 'LOST IN SPACE!'.

You dont have to hold your tummy in waiting for another asteroid to come tumbling from the KYPER BELT on the outer fringes of the solar system intowards us in the cosy sun-kissed centre, we have our beloved moon which as it also pulls on the Earth it pulls the oceans up towards it ,thats what causes the tides....If the Moon can pull the Pacific Ocean up towards itself it can pull a few pounds off your bathroom scales.

WITH JUST ONE FLUTTERING FLECK OF SNOW THE GREAT BRITISH WORK 'EFF-IC' BECOMES THE GREAT BRITISH 'EFF-IT' TO WORK !

The Great British work ethic is famous ,copied and admired the world over. A small rough island race, never afraid to roll up our sleeves to get our hands dirty and dig the earth and till the soil, thriving on pain, sweat and low wages and fight and win World Wars at the same time. This is part of what made us great and gave us one of the greatest empires ,ever. Nothing ,except for goverment benefits, daytime sattelite t.v and extended pub opening hours could douse that fire and indomitable spirit of the British worker.
Every body has heard of that famous equation E=MC2...Basically it means Energy equals mass ,as mass equals energy. Energy is the ability to do work. A negative energy would be the ability to stop work. It could be understood how an Asteroid weighing thousands of tons streaking through interstellar space at speeds going into fractions of millions of miles per hour would strike the Earth with such speed and mass causing such a release of energy that would explode around the planet wiping out the dinosaurs and most of the neighbours. Now negative energy from such an event would cause an amount of disruption to work, transport and the running of the country ,in general. But, thankfully we aren't going to be walloped by the incredible E and M of an asteroid impact ,not with Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood around to save us, anyhow. But we do have something with that equivalent amount of negative energy, able to bring the whole country to a dead stop within seconds .It defies the laws of physics, because although it has all this incredible energy ,it has almost NO MASS WHATSOEVER ! This wonder is the simple flake of snow !... It flutters down on the breeze from low thick clouds and as soon as itgently touches down on a main line rail with an almighty KLANG, which reverbarates throughout the rail network ,cancellations abound Nobodies going nowhere. The arrival of this snow drop is reported by Radio " and all across the land the hardy indomitable spirit of the never say die brit says "EFF-IT ! I'm not going in today" and turns over to go back to sleep.

TIME AND SPACE, SWEATY SOCKS AND VARIOUS OTHER MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE.

Space is quite a large place, and depending which big brain your listening to at the time , it's getting bigger, but then again it might be getting smaller,or neither. As the universe carries on expanding forever; Stays as it is, or; Collapses in on itself in an eventual cosmic crunch. The one thing that will carry on regardless is time . I f you stay still in space, time will pass. If you travel through space time will pass. Every thing happens in time. From the multi billion trillionth of a milisecond to a billion million thingellion years. Since the universe exploded forth from a microscopic dot into 'The big bang' billions of years ago; The stars and planets formed ,even our good ol' Earth. Life formed in the form of slimey thingees in the primevil ooze. You can still find examples in various housing estates in various spots around our green n' pleasant land. These lovely beasties evolved and eventually gigantic dinosaurs stomped the Earth. Eventually they died off, as they starved to death. Its said because of huge meteorites hitting the Earth, but the actual reason was' cos the dinosaurs were barred from the pubs n' chippies because they were too big and filling the rooms, so the breweries weren't making the profits needed. The chippies had to cope with, not so much variety as there was no indian or chinese. Chips hadn't been invented even, it was just a vegetable diet, or a carnivorous diet. And when the Tyrannosauruses and such were out for a night, god, there was murder. But life got smaller ,so pubs n chippies had a chance to evolve, all this happened as time passed inexorably on. Mountains grew and shrunk, continents slid around the planet; Oceans formed then dryed up.England even won the world cup, for 'gawds sake'. All this through time. And still life the universe and stuff evolves and falls apart through time.

Time is incredible. In time 'Anything' can happen. An example , When i was younger, we had the clothes basket in the bathroom and the putrid stomach turning dirty socks and underwear that had been worn 3 weeks too long were gingerly placed in the basket like nuclear workers handling rods of uranium, with great care. A few days later, ussually a Friday or Saturday night it was time to hit the 'Big city'. But you'd be short of a pair of socks, or a pair of 'Bills'( Bill Grundies...'undies....underpants!). So, you'd go to the laundry basket and have a 'root' around and find a pair of socks or bills, have a sniff, think "Hmmm, thats not too bad", so they were used for another day or two. So, time can form a universe, but it can also cause my socks and 'bills' to smell, if not fresh, not quite as bad. And this didn't take a millenia, just a couple of days. I know which i find more impressive.