WALKING THROUGH THE SNOW, STRIDING THROUGH THE WOODS LIKE JEREMIAH JOHNSON,WALKING ON THE PAVEMENT LIKE JOHN INMAN....

Wahey,its snowing!...It never snows up here in the North West , something to do with the sea air(?) ,probably more due to the fact that up here we manufacture and produce smoke and pollution something we lead the world in, Britain should be proud of the area around the Mersey, Widnes, Runcorn, Warrington. But for some reason we've got snow, maybe the smoke makers have been made redundant like everybody else, or output has been reduced to make Gordon Brown look good during that debacle on climate change. But the skies are a mucky grey and the ground is crunchy and white and theres more snow on the way. The good ol' uk has ground to a halt ,i couldn't give a shit and my daughter is crying with joy, cos its snowing.
I took the dog out, put my cissy warm furry gloves on and my treaded caterpillar boots and crunched out into the blizzard. When we reached the local woods i was striding through the drifts like ROBERT REDFORD in the wilds of the North West frontier in JEREMIAH JOHNSON. But that wild pioneering spirit came to a sudden end once i returned to the icey roads and pavements. Then i was walking more like JOHN INMAN, as my legs were squeezed tightly together and my step didnt exceed more than 6 inches, or so. The dog was all over the place sniffing, snow covered clumps of grass (n' stuff?), and like an old string spinning top, the ones were you wrapped the string around and pulled ,thus causing the top to spin. The bloody dog understood the concept, ran around me with his lead then bolted to a bush to have a sniff, leaving me in a ice dancing -type spin, leading into a technically difficult arse over tit manoeuvre resulting in me lying spread eagled on the ground, cursing all that is canine. As i walked and my feet were slipping , i thought ,"I know i'll have a slide, like when i was a kid."So, i had a short run up, stopped dead and fell flat on my face!....On the main road in my John Inman guise, and getting worse as the muscles on the insides of my legs were pulling and as tight as guitar strings. There wasn't a soul about, not even on the road, until i got to the post office and there was a queue of about 70 people.Eventually went out again,and not a living soul to be seen.

A bin wagon came flying around the corner and went into a slight skid, i just happened to be in the line of skid and i nearly fell asleep as my life was flashing before my eyes. I was kept awake fighting to get my gloves off so i could get a pen out of my pocket to will all my lack of belongings and debts to the Lovely Lynne. But fate and good fortune(well i thought it was good) took a hand and the trucks skid was arrested and he chugged off. Almost killed by a bin wagon, hmmmm!....Yes i know!
The dog didnt seem to slip or slide, so i put it down to its doggy pads on its paws. I know,thinks i," i'll do it the natural way and go barefoot", the clumps of dead skin on my feet will be like the dogs paw pads. So i tried it. The ambulance brought me home after being found 30 yards from home unconcious suffering from extreme exposure; extreme hyperthermia;pneumonia,with a dash of pleurisy. Its been 2 days and i can't feel below my knees, an area of a faint bluish colour. The doctor said if it goes green ,get the kitchen knife out and give him a call anytime after boxing day.

WITH JUST ONE FLUTTERING FLECK OF SNOW THE GREAT BRITISH WORK 'EFF-IC' BECOMES THE GREAT BRITISH 'EFF-IT' TO WORK !

The Great British work ethic is famous ,copied and admired the world over. A small rough island race, never afraid to roll up our sleeves to get our hands dirty and dig the earth and till the soil, thriving on pain, sweat and low wages and fight and win World Wars at the same time. This is part of what made us great and gave us one of the greatest empires ,ever. Nothing ,except for goverment benefits, daytime sattelite t.v and extended pub opening hours could douse that fire and indomitable spirit of the British worker.
Every body has heard of that famous equation E=MC2...Basically it means Energy equals mass ,as mass equals energy. Energy is the ability to do work. A negative energy would be the ability to stop work. It could be understood how an Asteroid weighing thousands of tons streaking through interstellar space at speeds going into fractions of millions of miles per hour would strike the Earth with such speed and mass causing such a release of energy that would explode around the planet wiping out the dinosaurs and most of the neighbours. Now negative energy from such an event would cause an amount of disruption to work, transport and the running of the country ,in general. But, thankfully we aren't going to be walloped by the incredible E and M of an asteroid impact ,not with Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood around to save us, anyhow. But we do have something with that equivalent amount of negative energy, able to bring the whole country to a dead stop within seconds .It defies the laws of physics, because although it has all this incredible energy ,it has almost NO MASS WHATSOEVER ! This wonder is the simple flake of snow !... It flutters down on the breeze from low thick clouds and as soon as itgently touches down on a main line rail with an almighty KLANG, which reverbarates throughout the rail network ,cancellations abound Nobodies going nowhere. The arrival of this snow drop is reported by Radio " and all across the land the hardy indomitable spirit of the never say die brit says "EFF-IT ! I'm not going in today" and turns over to go back to sleep.