THE BONZO DOG DOO DAH CAR ALARM BAND

(car alarms in perfect harmony.)

Even though we live in violent, crime ridden n' riddled times and towns, its not all bad. We're protected by whats left of the police force. We have modern day 'dads army 'in neighbourhood watch, etc .But our property and safety is secured by a variety of alarm systems to protect us from various forms of accidental or malicious grief and problems which may arise to generally screw up your day. Not to mention the next few months trying to sort out what the insurance companies are actually there for. As you try and get money you've paid to them and are entitled to recieve back to ease the suffering in just the sort of sad ,bad and even tragic circumstances you may find yourselves in. To combat and protect our property we have a variety of alarms . The most infamous being ;THE HOUSE ALARM; THE CAR ALARM THE SMOKE ALARM. The ideas behind these various alarms are pretty valid and reasonable. But, the reality ,as ever, never quite matches the sales brochures,the blurb on the box, etc.

Whenever you walk down a street, somewhere a house alarm is ,howling ,clanging, bleeping ,or some other deliberatly mind scarring noise. But nobody thinks,"OH MY GOD! THERES A HOUSE BEING BURGLED, CALL THE POLICE ,!".....No, the eyes get rolled and ,"OH F***'IN HELL !....TURN THE BLOODY THING OFF, FER CHRISTS SAKE!".....And telly volumes all down the street are boosted up so the X-Factor ,or Come Dine With Me, isnt interupted too much. House alarms go off ,just cos they feel like it or a piegon flies too close. Car alarms are the same .They go off ,nobody yells "OH GOD! THERES A CAR GETTIN' NICKED, CALL THE POLICE!"...... Nope, rolling of eyes as the screeching, honking ,or whatever goes on ,because a dog pee'ed against a lampost 10 feet away. Smoke alarms 'let rip' with their ear-drum splitting howls, just for boiling an egg or making a cuppa, not because,"OH MY GOD! THE HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN!"........ A lot of alarms lights still shine ,but most have had the cables ripped out just to shut the noise off, as the owners have normally forgotten the access code as well.

The other day ,THE LOVELY LYNNE had left the car window open and it had been raining. Being the ever dilligent caring husband i reached into see if the drivers seat was wet. The car alarm let rip. We turned it off with the key fob and all was quiet again. Until a few seconds later a car across the road went off, closely followed by a few more around our sheltered little close. I thought i should walk out into the centre of the close and orchestrate the alarms into a symphony for car alarms. Who knows with a little arranging a backing of house and smoke alarms to make it an alarm classic. I thought of MIKE OLDFIELDS:TUBULAR BELLS...At the end THE BONZO DOG DOOH DAH BANDS once, sadly now long dead front man VIV STANSHALL ,as he did on Tubular Bells , could've gone through the various instruments. This for the various car alarms.

"FORD!".......(HONK HONK HONK!!)

"TOYOTA!".....(WHEEEEOOOOO....WHEEEEOOOOO....WHEEEEOOOOO)

"VAUXHALL!"....(BLARP...BLARP....BLARP)

"DIATSU!".....(TOOT...TOOT...TOOT!)

"ROVER!"...(WHARPP...WHAARRPP...WHARRPP..!"

"CORTINA!"...(FRRRRRRRPPPPPPppppppp.......flat battery!)

"PORCHE!".....(WHUP..WHUP...WHUP....WHUP......!)

Dont tap your feet too hard to the funky beat you'll set off the house alarm.

WALKING THROUGH THE SNOW, STRIDING THROUGH THE WOODS LIKE JEREMIAH JOHNSON,WALKING ON THE PAVEMENT LIKE JOHN INMAN....

Wahey,its snowing!...It never snows up here in the North West , something to do with the sea air(?) ,probably more due to the fact that up here we manufacture and produce smoke and pollution something we lead the world in, Britain should be proud of the area around the Mersey, Widnes, Runcorn, Warrington. But for some reason we've got snow, maybe the smoke makers have been made redundant like everybody else, or output has been reduced to make Gordon Brown look good during that debacle on climate change. But the skies are a mucky grey and the ground is crunchy and white and theres more snow on the way. The good ol' uk has ground to a halt ,i couldn't give a shit and my daughter is crying with joy, cos its snowing.
I took the dog out, put my cissy warm furry gloves on and my treaded caterpillar boots and crunched out into the blizzard. When we reached the local woods i was striding through the drifts like ROBERT REDFORD in the wilds of the North West frontier in JEREMIAH JOHNSON. But that wild pioneering spirit came to a sudden end once i returned to the icey roads and pavements. Then i was walking more like JOHN INMAN, as my legs were squeezed tightly together and my step didnt exceed more than 6 inches, or so. The dog was all over the place sniffing, snow covered clumps of grass (n' stuff?), and like an old string spinning top, the ones were you wrapped the string around and pulled ,thus causing the top to spin. The bloody dog understood the concept, ran around me with his lead then bolted to a bush to have a sniff, leaving me in a ice dancing -type spin, leading into a technically difficult arse over tit manoeuvre resulting in me lying spread eagled on the ground, cursing all that is canine. As i walked and my feet were slipping , i thought ,"I know i'll have a slide, like when i was a kid."So, i had a short run up, stopped dead and fell flat on my face!....On the main road in my John Inman guise, and getting worse as the muscles on the insides of my legs were pulling and as tight as guitar strings. There wasn't a soul about, not even on the road, until i got to the post office and there was a queue of about 70 people.Eventually went out again,and not a living soul to be seen.

A bin wagon came flying around the corner and went into a slight skid, i just happened to be in the line of skid and i nearly fell asleep as my life was flashing before my eyes. I was kept awake fighting to get my gloves off so i could get a pen out of my pocket to will all my lack of belongings and debts to the Lovely Lynne. But fate and good fortune(well i thought it was good) took a hand and the trucks skid was arrested and he chugged off. Almost killed by a bin wagon, hmmmm!....Yes i know!
The dog didnt seem to slip or slide, so i put it down to its doggy pads on its paws. I know,thinks i," i'll do it the natural way and go barefoot", the clumps of dead skin on my feet will be like the dogs paw pads. So i tried it. The ambulance brought me home after being found 30 yards from home unconcious suffering from extreme exposure; extreme hyperthermia;pneumonia,with a dash of pleurisy. Its been 2 days and i can't feel below my knees, an area of a faint bluish colour. The doctor said if it goes green ,get the kitchen knife out and give him a call anytime after boxing day.