WOMEN SHOULD WEIGH THEMSELVES WHEN A GIANT ASTEROID IS FLYING PAST THE EARTH !

As every man on gods planet knows the lady in his life is always getting fat,putting on weight and weighing too much and has to lose a bit of excess baggage. There's no point argueing although you are expected to, if you disagree your talking absolute rubbish and don't have a clue what your talking about. God forbid if you agree your in dead trouble, my son!... So you can't win. The carpets around the house depending where they are show a little bit of wear and tear as they are constantly getting stood on. There is another really badly battered 12 inch by 12 inch patch that suffers from constant standing upon and that is the top of the bathroom scales in the bathroom. This is  where the love of your life peers intently studying the number of pounds or grams on the scales dial like a scientific experiment check of results to determine the difference from the last time they stood on the device only to normally have their heart broken and ego destroyed.

The Earth is a massive lump of rock and as Mr EINSTEIN told us massive objects have a suction pulling us in called GRAVITY. The planet is relatively circular and a womans weight would be roughly the same anywhere on the planet. But imagine if there was fluctuations in the GRAVITATIONAL FIELD ....If there was a country where the field was weaker and women weighed a lot less that place would be the most popular place for women to visit .....Due to this reason, the influx of weight concious women flooding this 'place '..There tourist trade would go through the roof, with the ladies and a few less weight concious blokes might find their way there for their own odious schemes and reasons involing the ladies. The other booming industry for this part of the world would be for BATHROOM SCALES...The ladies wouldn't be able to spend enough time on them.

On the odd ocassion a giant spinning lump of rock called an asteroid comes barrelling through the vacumn of space and skims by our beloved home planet. The asteroids are nowhere the size of the Earth , but a fair size and the odd collision through history has caused a mighty 'thwack' on the planet. One when the Earth was forming Hit the Earth and knocked a chunk out which formed our moon. Another destroyed most of the life on the planet ,mainly the dinosaurs. In the early 19th century an exploding asteroid flattened 500 square miles of trees in a huge forest in a region called TANGUSKA in Russia. Thankfully the destruction caused by this space debris seems to be falling ferocity and devastation ,in fact the effect of the next could benothing more than a slight effect on bathroom scales around the world!

As the asteroids pass as one did only the other day, it must interfere with the Earths Gravitational field, weakening it slightly....So if in the bathroom the drops from the taps seem to drip slower or the edge of the bog paper doesnt hang down vertically or is horizontally level or even drifting verticlly up these are signs of fluctuations in the gravitational field. So as the asteroid flies over your housing estate get on the bathroom scales and hopefully this force from space will have the weighing pointer dropping to the safe welcoming left side of the dial so a few pounds are lost due to these cosmic forces from millions of light years away, so for a while your excess weight is 'LOST IN SPACE!'.

You dont have to hold your tummy in waiting for another asteroid to come tumbling from the KYPER BELT on the outer fringes of the solar system intowards us in the cosy sun-kissed centre, we have our beloved moon which as it also pulls on the Earth it pulls the oceans up towards it ,thats what causes the tides....If the Moon can pull the Pacific Ocean up towards itself it can pull a few pounds off your bathroom scales.

LUV,LUV, LUV, AND EVEN MORE LUV N' STUFF....WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?..I'LL WAIT 'TILL THE POST MORTEM!

LOVE!.....AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh isn't it lovely?.....We all fall in love ,our brain apparently is disconnected and the heart is brought into the equation ,or is it 'the gut'?, but that is'nt too romantic....Romance is the word that applies to all things LOVE-related...And has become a multi billion money making industry as everything from flowers to rare stones and jewellry; Greetings cards; Food; cloths ; Places ;Shows : everything is now considered  as fair game and can be considered romantic. 

Romance and love is considered ,well lovely ,pure ,good ,decent  and  is the mainstay of the  music industry ,just think how many songs of all kinds are about boys n' girls ,not  'banging the lumps of each other , sweating and grunting lustily ,no way!...Love is lovely smiles ,twinkling eyes ; Holding hands ;Thinking all the time of the subject of your love ,generally referred to as the 'BELOVED!'  ....Actually its potentially very dangerous as ,apparently the object  of your desire fills your waking and sleeping hours ,so if your not concenterating on the tasks in hand, sleep deprivation could affect your performance and temperament , in fact this love struck exhaustion could interfere with your love, as you become bad tempered and tired and possibly unemployed as your boss is sick and tired of the sparkly eyed ,happy love struck pain in the arse screwing up his business and annoying everybody around. This could cloud the light of perfection that your beloved sees you with her rose coloured spectacles, and being in love could screw it up for you . Very comlicated thing this love stuff!

When GOD created EDEN and stuck ADAM there ,he was getting really pissed off with this boring bastard that he'd lumbered himself with. It wasn't really Adam's fault he was the only person in the world so his conversation and experiances and funny stories and opinions on life ,sport and current affairs was a little lacking ,to put it mildly.

God dropped another fellah there with him for company, they could go to the pub together ,but the pubs were emptier than they are these days. They could talk football, but the remier league wasn't around and being as this was paradise EDEN CITY F.C. never lost a game, so that never worked the two were twice as boring as the one.

God thought this original 'Gay Marriage 'wasn't really working , so he took the 'partner 'and adapted the 'dangly bits' converting to lumps and bumps which became EVE....When Adam saw her ,in shock he exclaimed  "WO!, man?" ,so God thought ,"Thats a good name ..WOMAN!"

The dangly bits and lumpy bits didn't really have the desired effect, Eve used to go off and went on the very first fruit diet which got them thrown out of EDEN, still not attracted to the woman Adam blurted "Oh cover yourself up , woman!"....She demanded the same , so when they covered themselves in fig leaves a very strange thing occurred .They fancied each other rotten ,even though they new full well what lay beneath the fig leaves, they desperatly wanted to  see the wares , the brain was disconnected as the body became a bubbling cauldron of biochemicals and  after a lot of very strange experimentation sex and lust was invented.

There was no such thing as love , just slobbering lust and sex....They didn't have babies in those days they 'Begat!'.....If you look in the Bible the first 400 pages are these brothers begatting each other ,so as there was no other women ,they were the most inbred family ,ever!....In fact it is this that has caused mankind to be the sickest ,most deranged bunch of maniacs in creation.

God decided that this surge in sex crazed nutters had to be staunched. By dabbling with the body chemicals and  moving the 'busy' bits from groin to heart by playing disco music he created love ,so that man and woman would fall in love rather than plunge into lust. Marriage and families and all those dubious ofshoots of love came into being....

Love was invented to cut down on unadulterated non stop sexual  practises, sex was tempered by love,  which will come as no great suprise to most husbands

Think of the BEATLES  for instance.....Love is one of the main lynch pins of their out put  they were in the 60's the LOVE GENERATION????....Everything was 'PEACE N' LOVE!"....It could be possibly blamed on the Beatles . 

But even the love peddlers, those great 'cute mop'eads ' from the banks of the Mersey mud , if you look ,possibly unintentionally exposed the drawbacks of love. They sang about all the stereotypical sissy stuff about love and romance ,etc , etc, but if you look chronalogically at their romantic output. By just dipping in here and there we start with 'LOVE ME DO!'....'SHE LOVES YOU!'....'ALL MY LOVING!'.....'A HARD DAYS NIGHT( not too romantic ,is the rot setting in ?)....YESTERDAY!'..(A broken heart!)....HELP!....(Says it all !!) 

True love was when you suddenly went into school one day ....The previous day you hated sissy 'GURLS!'....Then some girl smiles at you and  'BOOM!' You follow her home spending months  making an absolute prick of yourself trying to impress her and get her attention. Later at secondary school ,your first school disco standing around with your mates until the last song of the night ,ussually ,at the time 'JE T'AIME!'....You had three minutes to ask some girl to dance ;Swa some inane smalltalk ,hopefully leading up to a snog and ossibly being allowed to walk her home. If you were successful you were floating above the ground for days until you returned to school and your dreams were dashed as she was totally unmoved by this earth shattering experiance and had virtually ,or wanted to totally forget it and you!

Men who ,originally had problems with the love over sex stuff, whereas woman seemed more comfortable with it....Men will love their lady wife ,forgiving their flaws, failures, etc ,but women are quite happy to point out your failures ,stupidities, ugly points, imperfections, but somehow it seems to work ,generally. Listen to the 60's pop music and soul and Disco of the 70's it 's all explained by THE MONKEE'S and BARRY WHITE!!!