LEWIS COLLINS....R.I.P......BIG BAD BODIE'S FINALLY WRAPPED IN A BODIE BAG!

The rough ,gruff scotsman COWLEY, who some of the angels at the bar in Heaven thought looked like that famous scottish actor from films and 'UPSTAIRS ,DOWNSTAIRS!'.....GORDON JACKSON ordered "Another large malt!" and proceeded to guzzle it down after hobbling over to his table . He was clearly troubled by a bad leg, but got down to the 'paperwork'....He was head of C.I.5....'The big boys!'; The'Heavy mob!'; The 'Hard men' of criminal intelligence. On Earth in his life he fought criminal,spies and terrorists ,but in Heaven the Devils minions from 'Down there!' were the problem.

When he was alive he had two men who were so good and hard and tough ,even though they were only actors they were what he needed. They were called 'BODIE and DOYLE!' .....Doyle played by MARTIN SHAW was a thespian and was ok, but was the sensitive character to LEWIS COLLIN'S....BODIE! Lewis Collins born and brought up around Merseysides posh part ,on the Wirral ,playing in the MOJO'S during the later Mersey beat times.  He started acting and played in bits and pieces and ,ironically considering his 'hard man' character of later years was a dab hand at comedy.

SHAW and COLLINS were spotted in the terrible 'NEW AVENGERS' and were remembered when the PROFFESSIONALS was put foreward....Lots of kicking in of doors ,gunfights and all kind of fights were crammed into each episode ,with lots of naughties ,SHAW was often 'in love!', but BODIE was 'a lad!'.....Always in big collared jackets ,flared pants looking dapper n' smart ,well for the 80's ?????....They both had a terrible sense of direction because whenever they got an emergency call ,it was always when they were going in the wrong direction ,thus entailing a handbrake turn. 

I always liked COLLINS ,although he fancied himself as a 'hard ,mans man', which caused tensions during the early days of filming between the two leads ,there was, i always thought , a good bit of scouse tongue in cheek.....A favourite moment was when BODIE thought he was being followed and swung the car to a screeching halt with the usual handbrake turn. He leapt out of the car vaulted the bonnet ,another staple of the series, and pulled his gun waiting for his pursuers, who never showed ...He'd been mistaken. But a line of shoked people stood at the bus stop gave him a rousing 'round of applause', he gave a wry smile and a slight appreciative nod!

After the series finished ,after the S.A.S. and the IRANIAN EMBASSY SIEGE ,the 'latest thing' was the S.A.S. And Collins leapt in for his first stint as a special forces daredevil sort in 'WHO DARES WINS!'...Not a classic, but 'good fun, as were most of his tough guy B-film type stuff ,after ,although he acted with some well known faces. He even ,actually tried for the S.A.S. But ,apparently was knocked back ,as his face was to 'well known'....Cubbt Broccolli knocked him back for BOND as he was too 'aggressive'..That could've been interesting, but 'ah well!'

But Cowley smiled as he heard the car crashed through the pearly gates and gunfire followed....."Och!,..Bodie where the hell have you been ,i need a good man!"....."Sorry ,sir i've been living it up in Los Angeles and fighting cancer for 5 years!.."......"Och ! enough of that we''ve work t'do!.....Another two malts over here, bar angel!"

POOR AUSTRALIA, FIRST WE DUMPED OUR CONVICTS ON THEM AND NOW ITS WORSE THEY'VE GOT OUR CELEBRITIES!

TThe winter officially started with the X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing assaulting our tellie over every dark cold rainy windswept weekend night, but now its the official run-in to christmas as the new series of 'I'm a Celebrity , get me out of here'. Or more like "If your a celebrity , get outta here!" As a heap of nobodies and deadbeats from other reality shows;cooking and house decorating shows; A couple of once upon a time sports stars, etc, etc.Theres a couple that my long time since it had a finger on it pulse(!!!) recognised: Sam Fox, The fave page 3 years ago, i think she was ousted by Linda Lusardi, who's now an ex soap star, as Sam's an ex pop star, has anyone got, or even seen the albums?...Ah the glamour!

Hollywood legendary walking suntan ,George Hamilton with his luminous teeth. He'll be a nuisance at night as all the bugs and creepy crawlies will cross the jungle along with bigger beasties with bigger teeth, all attracted by the light of Georges teeth. But he'll be fine in one of the tasks in a pitch black cave full of rats, etc. All he has to do is smile and the cave will be lit up, bright as day.

My favourite was the news that Katie Price,a.k.a.Jordan wasgoing to return to the jungle. Last time she met her ex-husband,wonder what the jungles got in store for our super 'celeb' this time.The news footage said how she was on five times the money everyone else was on, can't you feel the love she's after already. But as she was filmed always with her blueberry/blackberry, whatever firmly clamped to her lug'ole,as a true'celeb' should. On the way to 'oz, she stopped at L.A. to get her nails done and her hair extensions, extended. Its an old S.A.S. jungle survival technique. I'm just suprised the airlines let her above 10,000 feet in case her boobies( they're not real, y' know) exploded, if one of them went off, never mind two, they'd blow a 747 out of the sky.

Jimmy White was never a sex symbol of the snooker world, but age hasn't been too kind to him.You could say he's gone to pot! And as i type away ,Joe Bugner has come on. Telling the rest about all the Australian beasties as he's lived in 'oz' for years and as EVERYTHING in Australia is specifically designed to kill you, he unintentionally scared the shit out of them.

The only bit i like is Ant n' Dec, it is very annoying as much as i try i can't hate them. In fact i watched their film ALIEN AUTOPSY, which, actually was quite good.

I WISH THE MOANING MILITARY WOULD LEAVE OUR BRAVE POLITICIANS ALONE!

The other day two of our brave ministers packed their summer gear and factor 300 sun cream and jetted off to meet our boys 'on the front line'(or 30 miles, or so behind).In Afghanistan.

While they were bravely shaking hands with the troopers before dinner. One loud-mouthed brass-necked trooper blurted out a demand for more men n' equipment. Our highly trained ministers without thinking, leapt into action, putting on a concerned, yet by adopting full eye-contact , an interested look on their faces. This earnestness was compounded by the folding of arms with the 'getting down n' dirty ' look of rolled up to the elbow shirt sleeves, resting on their ministerial pot-bellies. And then tried to put the troopers mind at ease by a promise"That something will be done."But you only had to look at the people involved to see who is having the harder time of it, at the end of the day. This poses the question.."Which is the sharp end and which is the blunt end?".....The soldiers were fit and bronzed; Smart and in good humour and high spirits....Whereas the politicians were overweight, with the buttons of those summer shirts straining at their bellies; Their face were lined ,and their smiles were forced. Although their grey hair was well-coiffeured it was still a little wispy.

The soldiers regulary face the screaming hoards of the Taliban and various terrorists; Missiles, road side bombs, suicide bombers, etc,etc. But its all old stuff to the British army ,we've seen it all before and give them 'a good seeing to!'.......But he politicians have to face the screaming electorate, fight debates, attend conferences staying at top hotels, their every whim top-class catered for. Attend social functions and appear on televiion. They have to slash services they dont use; Cut benefits they haven't any use for and maintain a number of 'second homes,'etc on 'expenses'. Living this hell ,with a smile on their face. And managing to give less answers to straight questions than an SAS man under enemy interrogation. Even coming under enemy fire by the occassional thrown raw egg on telly.

There, if that doesn't convince you who the true heroes are i don't know what will. Forget men and equipment for Afghanistan. We need more MP's; More offices and departments; Funds for committee's and study groups. And, ofcourse much higher expense accounts for our brave boys on the front line of Westminister.

(HA! Magazine humour.co.uk)