IT DOESNT MATTER WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE ALWAYS NO MORE THAN 10 YARDS AWAY FROM A LIVE POLITICIAN!

Normally when you see all those reporters outside the door of Number 10 Downing street, the home and centre of democracy and all thats good in the world. You see the reporter with their collars up ,looking like their freezing to death even in summer The poor ol' Policeman bouncing from foot to foot and slapping their gloved hands together as obviously the Kevlar keeps the bullets out, but not the cold. Suprisingly occasionally you'll see somebody in a suit with a breifcase walk briskly in ,or ,for that matter out. Funnily enough, for reasons i've never been able to grasp, the main traffic is people in fleeces with studenty looking backpacks on,and boots with thick treads on, maybe they're dropping extreemly important documents off to help our leaders run the country before leaving them on a train, or in the back of a taxi. Or maybe the stairs in No10 are very steep and they need their student hillwalking gear to get to the third floor.

But then theres the other visitors ,who dont seem to be too shy ,or embarressed at being seen and ,actually seem to be increasingly joining into the celebrity infatuated world in front of the television cameras. The RATS.....Our rodent population are taking after our politicians and Katie Prices of this world and grasping at any opportunity to get in front of the cameras. So if you couldnt be arsed listening to what ever crap is being served up by or about CAMEROON n' CLEGGY..You can just pass a few minutes looking over the shoulder of the reporter and look out for the increasing number of rats scurrying past that famous door. That door that almost symbolises GREAT BRITAIN and the EMPIRE, etc, with hoards of rats scurrying around the doorstep, make of that what you will, as everyone else will. There is a difference between a rat and a politician, slight though it maybe, the rats dont carry breifcases and wear dead smart shiney double breasted suits ,but who knows ,if the media rat explosion continues they could latch on to their potential celebrity status. There are enough rats n rodents running the papers ,media and public relations , never mind the goverment. The rats instead of running it could become part of it. Although some may say ,its already happened, but i wouldnt say such a thing.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE AND OSCAR WILDE N' ALL THEM CLEVER ONES ,WHAT WE WANT IS BOOKS WRITTEN BY ILLITERATE SCUM!.....

Ah England , my England ,land of SHAKESPEARE, OSCAR WILDE, CHAUCER,CHARLES DICKENS n' all them giants of literature I dont read 'em meself,of course as i'm still reading my e-comics. But i took a walk into a few bookshops the other week and couldnt believe the number of autobiographies from our beloved celebrities.Take for example,you may have heard of a lady called KATY PRICE/ JORDAN, whatever, she's only about 30, but she must have about 6 volumes of her autobiography. I came to the conclusion that every single person who appears on telly or radio or scribbles a word in a paper has a bloody autobiography out.And lest we forget ,every bloody'stand-up' comedian whose been famous since just before christmas, they've managed to pull out their fascinating life stories. I dont think i'll be jumping on the band wagon, banging out my auto biography for the simple reason , i cant remember about 90% of my fascinating life. So basically i dont think i'll make a fortune out of the total of three months i can dredge memories from over the last action-packed(i assume), 50 years of the wild, living on the edge(and quite often falling over that edge), life of ....MEEEE!!!!!......WILD TIM LEATHERBARROW. Anyhow ,just as well i cant remember 'cos if i did me mum'd kill me ,not to mention THE LOVELY LYNNE.

But the thing that fascinate me the most was this huge section devoted to the life stories of ,basically the scum of the Earth. Ex-reformed ,they're always ex's and always reformed....Various hooligans ,criminals ,football hooligans, murderers for the mob ,gang members ,drug dealers ,bank robbers, and plain old dispensers of the good ol' 'knuckle butty' for various gangs, .Theres the sweethearts who have affectionate nicknames like 'mad or crazy 'before their names. Theres the heartwarming tales of how some used to go around inserting knives and or bottles, into people: Of course theres the sweeties who took the more direct approach and blew them apart with various guns n' rifles: Psychotic bull-shitting gobshits who've lots of stories of booting shite outta some poor sod at the match ,waiting his turn from the other 50 or so scallies waiting patiently in line to crowd around and sink his steel toecaps into some poor curled heap on the ground: Multiple murderers who spend their time in solitary confinement pumping iron and when they're not doing that they're tatooeing themselves or getting married ,and writing books ,if they have enough time left in their busy schedule in maximum security. They are all general hardcases and you can tell as they'll all have a black and white picture of his shaven headed scowling face, of course on the cover of his literary tome.

Ah sod it ,i'm going back to my comics, i've given the MARVEL COMICS a good hammering and i'm now working through 3 cd's of THE ESSENTIAL BATMAN COMICS.....Ah life can be good.

JORDAN BOOBED AND GOT HER TWO BIGGEST BOOBS MIXED UP!

The other week i was walking the dog through some local woods and espied not one, but two Asda trolleys stood side by side amongst the undergrowth and thought isnt nature wonderful now spring is sprung, shook my head and wandered off. When i got in to the house ,i put the kettle on and the telly, just to help me plug into whats going on in the world, you understand....Not to catch up on my Sky+ recordings, obviously ,'cos thats what you were thinking wasn't it. Hope your ashamed of yourself, judging people by your own low standards. But as soon as the picture appeared there was something about JORDAN/KATIE PRICE, now theres a suprise thought i. Apparently she was talking husbands and out of the two boobs she's been married to ,she got the names mixed up and was talking about her 'ex'PETER ANDRE, rather than the present cage fighting /Holloaks(?) acting new Mr Jordan: ALEX REID. So, obviously this was the big news beamed to all four corners of the globe. Again i found myself shaking my head...I'll get the hang of life ,one day, i s'pose.
I had a look up (phnaar, phnaar) of Katie Price on the computer and read about this silly cow who is, well everywhere and with everyone and every ,every that the ultimate' chav',can get involved in and squeeze as much publicity out of Thats not my description, by the way ,before cage fighters start kicking the door in. She was born in '78 ,so she's about 30 and she's had 3 autobiographies published. Jeez! i'm (aaaaagh!) 50, this year and i'm not sure i could fill one. Her private(?) life has been documented and filmed before, during and after her marriages .She'll appear at the flipping of a coin. Now shes writing, with ghost writers ,novels and childrens books. But ,apparently she has been refused addmission to some high class events ,such as CARTIER- sponsored Royal polo tournament, as "she's not the type of person we'd like attending our functions". The Queen goes n' she gets in(?).....Funny that!.. Couts bank refused her, even though she had the money reqired for them to let you in. Whatever she is ,or does ,she has about FORTY MILLION POUNDS !!!!....for doing it. Good luck to you, girl ....I'm shaking my head again.
She travels the world to get her nails done and hair extensions put in. I saw a picture the other day and she is a big busty girl . And this is after shes had her boob job reversed and made smaller as she was worried they'd start to droop after the birth of her kids.....My god!, if they did start to droop ,she'd need to wheel them around in an Asda shopping trolley, or two, one for each. Those two in the woods ?..Nah they couldnt be, I've not seen her mentioned in the WARRINGTON GUARDIAN......The heads shaking again!

POOR AUSTRALIA, FIRST WE DUMPED OUR CONVICTS ON THEM AND NOW ITS WORSE THEY'VE GOT OUR CELEBRITIES!

TThe winter officially started with the X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing assaulting our tellie over every dark cold rainy windswept weekend night, but now its the official run-in to christmas as the new series of 'I'm a Celebrity , get me out of here'. Or more like "If your a celebrity , get outta here!" As a heap of nobodies and deadbeats from other reality shows;cooking and house decorating shows; A couple of once upon a time sports stars, etc, etc.Theres a couple that my long time since it had a finger on it pulse(!!!) recognised: Sam Fox, The fave page 3 years ago, i think she was ousted by Linda Lusardi, who's now an ex soap star, as Sam's an ex pop star, has anyone got, or even seen the albums?...Ah the glamour!

Hollywood legendary walking suntan ,George Hamilton with his luminous teeth. He'll be a nuisance at night as all the bugs and creepy crawlies will cross the jungle along with bigger beasties with bigger teeth, all attracted by the light of Georges teeth. But he'll be fine in one of the tasks in a pitch black cave full of rats, etc. All he has to do is smile and the cave will be lit up, bright as day.

My favourite was the news that Katie Price,a.k.a.Jordan wasgoing to return to the jungle. Last time she met her ex-husband,wonder what the jungles got in store for our super 'celeb' this time.The news footage said how she was on five times the money everyone else was on, can't you feel the love she's after already. But as she was filmed always with her blueberry/blackberry, whatever firmly clamped to her lug'ole,as a true'celeb' should. On the way to 'oz, she stopped at L.A. to get her nails done and her hair extensions, extended. Its an old S.A.S. jungle survival technique. I'm just suprised the airlines let her above 10,000 feet in case her boobies( they're not real, y' know) exploded, if one of them went off, never mind two, they'd blow a 747 out of the sky.

Jimmy White was never a sex symbol of the snooker world, but age hasn't been too kind to him.You could say he's gone to pot! And as i type away ,Joe Bugner has come on. Telling the rest about all the Australian beasties as he's lived in 'oz' for years and as EVERYTHING in Australia is specifically designed to kill you, he unintentionally scared the shit out of them.

The only bit i like is Ant n' Dec, it is very annoying as much as i try i can't hate them. In fact i watched their film ALIEN AUTOPSY, which, actually was quite good.