(M.M.A.) MIXED MARTIAL ARTS AND THE CURE FOR SNORING !!!!

                                                                             
                                                                             One night recently i was sitting alone as per usual killing the night hours flicking through the 10 million channels trying to find one with something on which wont make me react with the usual ,"Oh bollocks to this i'm going to bed!"....Not an easy task. I found a documentary about the old heavyweight boxers through the years, JACK JOHNSON,JACK DEMPSEY ,JOE LOUIS, ROCKY MARCIANO,and various hardcases of that ilk, and facinating stuff it was too. After was a slightly updated form of smashing peoples faces in ...The Cage Fighting MIXED MARTIAL ART(mma). All these somewhat excessively tattooed ,shaven headed fellahs meet in the cage throw a few kicks and punches, progress onto knees and elbows ,then try to ground each other and just try and break arms and legs or pummell the faces of their opponent,all very entertaining blood splattered stuff for all the family. After watching some quite good battles i went to my bed .

                                                                            The Lovely Lynne has always hated my ability to close my eyes and ,well just totally'flake out', fast asleep, no matter what is happening ,or what noises may disturb anyone else. I put this ability down to my healthy disposition and pure clear consience. In my dreams i felt i was in 'The Cage' in a fight. My opponent had just whacked me in the gut with a front thrust kick; followed by a fist around the head ;An elbow in the gut; A knee in the thigh ;Aleg lock :an arm bar with the other leg and arm,whilst with the other fist my goodlooking facial features were being pummelled by her hammerfist. This quiet graphic dream caused me to wake to find that the Lovely Lynne was practising these very MMA techniques upon me to stop my snoring....I think she wants a cage around the bed, not for kinky sex games ,sadly, but i think she just likes knocking seven lumps out of me.

                                                                            She's probably better than the pro MMA fighters, they fight 3x 5 minute rounds to knock the other guy out....The Lovely Lynne has to beat the flat out me awake and then knock me out again....Without the snoring, of course!

JORDAN BOOBED AND GOT HER TWO BIGGEST BOOBS MIXED UP!

The other week i was walking the dog through some local woods and espied not one, but two Asda trolleys stood side by side amongst the undergrowth and thought isnt nature wonderful now spring is sprung, shook my head and wandered off. When i got in to the house ,i put the kettle on and the telly, just to help me plug into whats going on in the world, you understand....Not to catch up on my Sky+ recordings, obviously ,'cos thats what you were thinking wasn't it. Hope your ashamed of yourself, judging people by your own low standards. But as soon as the picture appeared there was something about JORDAN/KATIE PRICE, now theres a suprise thought i. Apparently she was talking husbands and out of the two boobs she's been married to ,she got the names mixed up and was talking about her 'ex'PETER ANDRE, rather than the present cage fighting /Holloaks(?) acting new Mr Jordan: ALEX REID. So, obviously this was the big news beamed to all four corners of the globe. Again i found myself shaking my head...I'll get the hang of life ,one day, i s'pose.
I had a look up (phnaar, phnaar) of Katie Price on the computer and read about this silly cow who is, well everywhere and with everyone and every ,every that the ultimate' chav',can get involved in and squeeze as much publicity out of Thats not my description, by the way ,before cage fighters start kicking the door in. She was born in '78 ,so she's about 30 and she's had 3 autobiographies published. Jeez! i'm (aaaaagh!) 50, this year and i'm not sure i could fill one. Her private(?) life has been documented and filmed before, during and after her marriages .She'll appear at the flipping of a coin. Now shes writing, with ghost writers ,novels and childrens books. But ,apparently she has been refused addmission to some high class events ,such as CARTIER- sponsored Royal polo tournament, as "she's not the type of person we'd like attending our functions". The Queen goes n' she gets in(?).....Funny that!.. Couts bank refused her, even though she had the money reqired for them to let you in. Whatever she is ,or does ,she has about FORTY MILLION POUNDS !!!!....for doing it. Good luck to you, girl ....I'm shaking my head again.
She travels the world to get her nails done and hair extensions put in. I saw a picture the other day and she is a big busty girl . And this is after shes had her boob job reversed and made smaller as she was worried they'd start to droop after the birth of her kids.....My god!, if they did start to droop ,she'd need to wheel them around in an Asda shopping trolley, or two, one for each. Those two in the woods ?..Nah they couldnt be, I've not seen her mentioned in the WARRINGTON GUARDIAN......The heads shaking again!

FORGET DEBATING POLICIES,POLITICS SHOULD BE A GOOD SMACK IN THE GOB AND A KNEE IN THE NUTS !!

Sky news are trying their hardest to get our party leaders together to do a live pre election debate ,live, or as live as politicians can get, on the telly to battle out the policies and the rest of the bullshit they feed us every day and give us a chance to determine whose bullshit tastes better than the others bullshit. The yanks have been doing it for years and they are connesseures of chateau de bullshit. Maybe their fine palete will be cultivated by us brits. Personally i think we should forsake the round table of debate and go into the round cage of cage fighting. I'm sure Sky's beloved leader Mr Mad axe- Murdoch would be more at home screening cage fighting on his networks than policy debates, hard hitting and far reaching though they may be. The viewing figures for Brown, Cameron and Clegg ,barefooted and kicking , kneeing, elbows, headbutts and roundhouse kicks to the face body and all points south of Westminister would be astronomical and knock Strictly come dancing into a cocked top hat. And as for the X-Factor, wouldnt get a look in.
Traditionally politics is dead easy and boring, you've got the shower in power and the rest!..Whatever the shower in power say, goes, is it!...The others the opposition disagree with absolutly everything said n' proposed by the shower in power. So, they have the best and easiest job in the world. Then when and if,god forbid, they do take over they just blame all the screw ups and fuck ups on the previous shower in power ,and that the policies that screwing up the nation were initiated when the previous shower were in power, and its nothing to do with the present shower in power....Simple, really and brilliant in its stupidity.

Being an opposition ,or shadow minister is a wonderful career for all us lazy, bone idle ,unqualified arse'oles..... You don't actually do anything, even if you wanted to and you get to look good on the telly, as everyone hates the shower in power, or the goverment , as they are known to those who understand the workings of our great democratic system. So, by disagreeing with them, you can't fail to come out on top.

But the worst thing that can happen is that they vote you into power, and you might be put in that very awkward position of actually having to do something, not a lot, heavens forbid, but something , from time to time. I think,in the future you'll see a lot of MP's expenses going on gymn memberships as various debates and even prime ministers question time moves from across the table to inside the round cage fighting ring due to be installed , within the house of commons. Prime ministers question time will be peak time viewing.