ANDREW MARR ,GUIDE TO HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PRIME MINISTERS !

It's easy!..You sit our glorious leader down on a nice comfortable chair in a well-lit labour conference side room, with a smile on your oily Beeb-beeb-ceeb trained face. You, then accuse the most powerful and useless man in the country of popping prescription drugs to ease the stress of the job. The other reason for guzzling these pain-killers is to ease the pain and discomfort of constantly banging into walls,desks and comfy BBC chairs as a result of being half(or two thirds) blind, apparently. This is due ,as everybody must know by now that our beloved PM has the most well-known detached retina the country .As a result of the most well-known Rugby injury in the history of the game. I always thought he had a glass eye, but he's had a couple of similar injuries. So maybe he's got two glass eyes, or two detached retinas, i don't mind admitting i'm confused and worried for our glorious leader.

As any good northern lad worth his salt n' tripe, i watch CORONATION ST (Corrie !)..And followed the storyline of the evil David Platt. He supplied his mum's boyfriend with much needed prescription pain-killers, he became addicted and was totally under David's malevolent influence. Could this happen to our beloved leader? Who is the evil, self serving soul that supplies the PM? Could it be one of his aides or assistants; A strange sort who goes by the name of'Mandy', say? I can see this character weilding his devilish influence over the party, surviving being sacked on numerous occassions in the past. I keep thinking of the PRIME MINISTER and his aide sketches from LITTLE BRITAIN.

Anyhow i don't believe for a moment when our glorious leader made his' big speech' the other day that he needed any drugs to help him.... But i'm bloody sure all those sat listening would've loved some pain killers !

( This bit of jibberish appeared in HA! magazine....Look over on the links for how to find HA!)

YOUR BORN, YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE THEN YOU DIE AND IF YOUR LUCKY SOMEBODY MIGHT NOTICE.

If you were lucky enough to have been stranded on a frozen moon a billion light years beyond our galaxy, you will have been spared ,for a billion years or so ,just about enough time to avoid the light speed news signals beaming across the cosmos to inform you of the death of, 'the king of pop'..Michael,Whacko Jacko, Jackson himself. The stories about prescription drugs; A skeletal body covered in needle holes, like a tea-bag covered in little perforations, but not as much mass ; Stomachs bunged full of tablets; And his kids who aren't his. And they're not even their mothers???/Now thats a headscratcher for a simple country lad like meself. The Lovely Lynne told me the other day that apparently he was totally bald. Jeez! Could you imagine what he'd of looked like without that ridiculous head of hair to cover that mess of distortions that passed for an Airfix kit of an early Star Trek aliens face ,that was the' Whacko's kipper'. Jacko's face and he's bald ,god thats a sight that i'd say would ruin your day.

There's that saying about people remembering where they were when certain people 'popped their clogs'. People like J.F.K.;Elvis; John Lennon; My dad(well i do!)....Now, of course The Whackmeister, himself. And just in case the memory does let you down in years to come. We, of course have the weeks of totally insane revelations that are, and yet too come out.All that would make it almost impossible to forget one of lifes genuine nutjobs. Somebody who put such a lot of effort and mind boggling amounts of money into his insanity deserves to be rememebered. How crazy he was, who knows, crazy he may've been, but he wasn't daft.

I was talking with that hairy ace caricaturist to the stars Guy Carter. He said 'That when he went, he'd like to go quietly and with dignity!'...I disagreed totally. When i go i want the world to shudder and shake,Volcanoes to erupt ; Earthquakes, Floods n' tsunamis; People howling and wailing in the streets all over the planet; Television specials going on for weeks, no make that months; Plaques and statues put up everywhere i ever went; Billions of websites devoted to my memory.......But that probably wont happen. My beloved Lovely Lynne will miss me cos she loves me madly and i do the dishes ( with a little help from a stained pinny) and hoover up. The little'un'll be pissed off at me cos she'll have to walk the dogs.