I MET PETE TOWNSHEND AND HE'S GOT A WORSE SIGNATURE THAN ME !!!!!

The other day me n' me ol' mate Simon met up in our beloved capital city. Before involving ourselves in the business of the day we ,of course ensconsed ourselves in a boozer to partake of a 'couple'.....We were down in our capital den of iniquity to meet with a certain 'rock n' roll legend ...a certain MR PETE TOWNSHEND  , crazed guitarist of the parish and the 'ORRIBLE 'OO!'....He was doing a talk and signing copies of his newly released  autobiography. We found our hotel in RUSSELL SQ  and entered our cosy lodgings .The reception was 'manned 'by two fat miserable scowling exotic far eastern ladies totally ignoring us as they yattered on in Indian or Bangladeshi  before snarling over her shoulder "SEVENTY POUNDS ,OUT BY TEN AND ..NO BREAKFAST!" throwing a key at Simon and a three story trudge up a narrow staircase to our luxurious twin cupboard.

We trolled across town to find BRICK LANEin the EAST END .We found a bar next to the OLD BREWERY ,where the event was taking place. and had a drink with a group of fellahs who'd followed THE WHO since the very early days....One was the original drummer DOUG SANDON ...An one of TOWNSHENDS oldest friends and one time flat mate and author of the excellent WHO biography MAXIMUM R&B..RICHARD BARNES....Barney to his friends! They were all good lads and we had a pleasant chat and a few scoops were consumed until the 'effin' boozer ran out of beer?????....

We went into listen to the main attraction and after an entertaining hour and a half ,as MR T' was in good form and seemed to be enjoying himself he got to signing the books. We queued up like good fans, i had my caricature to present to him ,i thought i might get a picture with me TOWNSHEND and the caricature....But being a typical corporate 'event', the place was run and organised by 'Bright young things' guaranteed to screw up any organised event. The security had luminous coats inside for some reason and could've  only been in their teens. When i gave PETE the picture they pounced on me yelling "NO MERCHANDISE!" TOWNSHEND took it off me and chuckled and laid it on the floor beside him ,i passed the padded envelope and they flew into a noisy panic again ,TOWNSHEND looked at them and said "IT'S OK ,ITS ONLY AN ENVELOPE!"....He signed my book and laughing he thanked me  as we shook hands, i said "Cheers ,Pete!" and our dedicated pain in the arse organisers wouldnt allow any pictures ,so that was that!...We retired back to the boozer and they had even less ale than before. A WHO family member called WOLFY offered to get the picture signed and returned to me, but i thought "Nah!it was meant as a gift and it would've been great to get a picture and i was hoping to get it dedicated to THE LOVELY LYNNE, but we're the fans who spend all our money ,queue and sleep in hovels in Russell Square ,etc ,the corporate shitheads in the reserved seats get the perks ,etc. But i met PETE TOWNSHEND, so i'm happy.

His signature is nearly as totally indicipherable as my own. I was going to put it up on the blog, but the dang blasted computers playing silly buggers again ,so you'll have to make do with the TOWNSHEND caricature AGAIN!!!!

THE NAMES LEATHERBARROW TIM LEATHERBARROW....AND DEAD EXCITED 'COS BOND JAMES BOND IS BACK!

 It's shameful being a 52 year old husband n' father sitting trying to stifle the building schoolboy -like excitment that s building within my my (only slightly ptotruding)middle aged belly.....And what is this excitment that has gripped me ,well quite simply ...JAMES BOND IS BACK The new film SKYFALL is out in almost days...THE LOVELY LYNNE is slobbering at the prospect of that DANIEL CRAIG flaunting his manlyness around the screen ,whereas i'm looking foreward to the more cerebral aspects to the film, story ,characters and most important of all the extreme violence that Craig has put into the fights . There is an aspect of this that i'm worried about .CASINO ROYALE wasn't 'that' bad for it ...QUANTUM OF SOLACE was terrible for it and i'm praying that SKYFALL will not suffer from it...The 'IT' in question is the high speed ,hand held ,badly edited blur that all action sequences in films over the last number of years are full of. QUANTUM was a blur. To this day i still can't make hide nor hair of the opening car chase. The rooftop chase could've been a cinematic masterpeice, but was to fast and cluttered to follow, etc, etc.

 

Just recently SKY have been reshowing the BOND  films and i've been catching up. SEAN CONNERY  has filled my last week and he's still good ,i didn't take to him for a long time ,not because of his BOND ,but i just didn't like him for some reason...A great BOND  ,but for a long time i just didn't like him!....He had some great 'PROPERLY FILMED' action sequences and fights ,remember ROBERT SHAW in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE on the train and  virtually every film he made ,i quite like where he beats the shit out of two blokes in a lift in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER. They were the classic BONDS without a doubt .

 

I watched GEORGE LAZENBY in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE yesterday and it's a great film and i didn't mind poor George . He was great in the violent bits ,some really good fights and ,EMMA PEEL , as was DIANA RIGG ,who described him as "A shit!" on a recent interview and was supposed to have scoffed garlic for the love scenes. LAZENBYS agent advised him not to take the offer of more Bond films, ah where'd we be without people to advise us.

I'd grown up loving ROGER MOORE in THE SAINT....And was chuffed when he became Bond in LIVE AND LET DIE. I have to admit liking his films ,every one says he played it 'tongue in cheek', but when he had to be the mean Bond he did the action and fights and could be mean. I always thought ,like DOCTOR WHO it's not whose best, but because they changed  is what gave them their extended life. MOORE played a few stinkers ,my personal 'stinker' is THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN. From LULU's theme its downhill all the way.

 

TIMOTHY DALTON could've been a good 'un....He was going back to IAN FLEMINGS Bond and THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS isn't bad , the fight on the netting from the back of a HERCULES TRANSPORT PLANE is great....These are the days when stuntmen did it all ,i mean actually did it all! Dalton was tough and mean ,i liked him and problems with film companies meant films didn't get made and Bond was on hold and ol' TIM never got the chance to don the dicky bow again.

 

PIERCE BROSNAN hit with GOLDENEYE, still the skinny little charmer from that gawd awful REMINGTON STEELE...That wasn't a bad film ,good touch putting 008, SEAN BEAN in as his mate then as the baddy. The poster for the next ,'TOMORROW NEVER DIES', shows Brosnan a lot more muscled than before. He wasn't bad and watching them again ,as they were made so well, they're always better than i remembered. The Peirce days finished with an INVISIBLE CAR?....Then they said "We're taking Bond back to basics!"

                                                                                                Then the shit hit the fan and "OH MY GOD! A BLONDE BOND!".....Riots took place in the streets ,websites slagging off poor old DANIEL CRAIG abounded . He arrived at the press conference with the ROYAL MARINES ,but as the Marines did ,he wore a life jacket over his dinner suit..."JAMES BOND WEARING A LIFE JACKET..OH GAWD!...IT GETS WORSE!"...Poor Daniel couldn't win .They forgot even SEAN CONNERY wore crash helmets with his jet pack and LITTLE NELLIE gyrocopter. But the new boy ,blew them away . Daniel Craig is now a national institution beloved by everyone ,esspecially my missus! From the little i've heard SKYFALL is getting good vibes , SIR ROGER MOORE  reckons its the best Bond, ever and Craig is far the best Bond .....God i need a drink...A mug of tea stirred not shaken!

THE BOY IS BACK WITH TUBES OF PAINT POTS OF INK AND A HEAD FULL O' SHIT!

 

 

Due to problems with the computer ,compounded by the apparent existance of an electromagnetic BLACKHOLE which exists in the middle of our house causing our BROADBAND signals to be sucked up in to the spiralling EVENT HORIZON before being sucked with every thing else to do with phones ,light ,computers and telly's and stuff  in to the yawning chasm of the GRAVITATIONAL SINGULARITY that exists in the middle of our living room ,according to the nice B.T. telephone broadband engineer they sent out to us the other week. All the problems and achingly slow hair tearing ,teeth grindingly signals are due to this 'Black hole!'... All you out there worrying about when i shall inform and entertain you in the ways means and why's of the world and bafflements and befuddlements of 'life the multiverse and most things, you may rest easy Blackholes allowing i'm back.....Even now the keyboards playing up as the computer signal keeps freezing. The only that can stop TIM LEATHERBARROW outing his inane/insane garbage is the most powerful force in the universe, not bad eh?

CANT GET IMAGES N' STUFF ON MY BLOG SO HANG ON AND YOUR LEADER SHALL RETURN TO EDUCATE AND GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE TRAUMA ND CONFUSION OF LIFE!

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LOTS OF NAUGHTY LADIES READING '50 SHADES OF GREY' EXCEPT FOR ONE NOTABLE EXCEPTION!. AND ONE SHADE OF SUNBURN RED!..

 

 

 

A few weeks ago we were over in ITALY by a lovely lake surrounded by impressive mountains. The lake was where the the opening JAMES BOND car chase in 'QUANTUM OF SOLACE' took place. Apparently the lake and the surrounding villages are connected by tunnels built by that beloved of Italian facist dictators MUSSOLLINI. He decided that the villages had to be connected by these network of tunnels. The tunnels are all named after his ex-girlfriends, well they would be Ex's ,as they're probably all dead a long time, who knows our favourite facist met up with them in whatever afterlife his sort go to. The longer tunnels are named after his favourites, the shorter ....Not so fondly remembered!....Still, not bad, having a tunnel through a mountain named after you and your tunnel used in a Bond film and these pretty (once) Italian Dictator bits of stuff would one day have DANIEL CRAIG powering through you, so to speak!...Mind you i wouldn't like to be 'MUSSO' explaining why certain girls became the shorter of tunnels.

 

 

The week or so was very nice ,but "God it was f**kin' boiling hot!!!".....The sun beat down and the only thing we could do was crawl to the bar .....Often!....I sat and read reams of electronic pages on my new KINDLE . I was surrounded by sweating drooling women . I automatically assumed this was due to the unbearable heat and gallons of drink that everybody guzzled down. I came to the conclusion that the women ,who were all reading that naughty book...'50 SHADES OF GREY.'...I also decided that all these sexually aroused women were drooling over me as i ambled Bond-Like cool and catlike to the bar.Did they wonder if thee was another Bond film being filmed. I mentioned this observation to the LOVELY LYNNE....Funnily enough she thought it was very amusing. As every women was reading and being aroused by the '50 SHADES OF GREY'!...Except for one notable exception....THE LOVELY LYNNE, my missus! She was reading 'HITCHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY' which  is very clever and amusing ,but the late wonderful DOUGLAS ADAMS didn't manage to inject much rudeness and horniness into the story so THE LOVELY LYNNE wasn't turned on, drooling and lusting after me ,anyhow at the end of the day it was my own fault as she was reading this sci-fi classic on my reccomendation. I should learn to keep me big mouth shut. Mind you i think i might've got a few funny looks from my beloved if i'd reccommended '50 SHADES OF GREY' to her. 

IT DOES SEEM THE WEAKER THE BODY THE STRONGER THE WILL!

 

                                                                                  Watching the PARALYMPICS over the last week or so has stunned and amazed me as every day you actually get to see the HUMAN SPIRIT in front of your face and see it working at full horsepower. The HUMAN SPIRIT is something priests and politicians and their speechwriters like to speak about, but watch these 'guys n' gals' competing and its there in your face ;Blind ,deaf, dumb, crippled, limbs missing ,mentally deformed ,etc ,etc ,god bless 'em all they put us all to shame. It struck me the weaker the bodies ,the stronger the will......And i should know having a fine fit body ,but a will of clay......No Olympic medals in the LEATHERBARROW trophy cabinet for the forseeable future anyhow.

 

Some of the athletes ,as that is what they are, possibly even more entitled to be called so then their perfectly fit colleagues, have problems and deformities from birth, but some are a result of injuries or whatever, deciding "FUCK THIS!....i'm not going to be beaten by the broken back or the loss of my legs !" and they grit their teeth and get on with it.

 

One guy who got me thinking about the whole thing suffered from some kind of condition of the blood where the oxygen in the blood wasn't able to supply the muscles with the full amount they needed. Basically what that meant to me was that the lad had to train any number of times harder than anyone else as his fitness needed so much more work so his oxygen starved muscles could race and compete ,i think he was in the pool and he won in a world record time ,i think. What about the blind footy players?...Amazing ,all amazing !

 

The ice skater cartoon was done a while ago when that evil MRS PAUL McCARTNEY....JULIET(?) MILLS was entering CELEBRITY ICE SKATING  and did quite well considering she had a prosthetic limb ,one of her legs which did her bad public relations with the British SIR 'MACCA' loving folks a bit of good.

A NOT SO YOUNG NEIL YOUNG AND A PROMISING MUSICAL CAREER RUINED BY A VOMIT CLOGGED MOUTHORGAN!...

                                                                               As a favour to a friend JED CLARK i did this piccie of a not so young NEIL YOUNG.....And as i was trying to find a picture of our hero i took the oppertunity to activate that most wonderful of inventions that mankind has developed through the years, you can forget the wheel and the I-Pod .....I'm talking the kettle!......I used to fill an old army tea pot and fill it with loose leaf tea and guzzle a few gallons to help with my many creative difficulties ,i dont know if a few gallons of tea made me more creative or sitting guzzling watching the telly put me in 'couldnt give a shit 'mode. Things aren't quite the same now . And i shall tell you why!.....Women ,thats why!......Long ago THE LOVELY LYNNE entered my life and when the glow of passion and romance dimmed and she started to give ,not advice or requests , but outright orders as women are wont to do when they take control.....She KIDNAPPED MY TEAPOT??????......And i didn't see it for years until it turned up in the downstairs bog .....Full of flowers????.....If you ever come to LEATHERBARROW TOWERS and you are more than welcome, the teapot is still in the bog! Not only did she take my teapot ,but she stopped me drinking loose leaf tea and i've been on tea bags for all these years. But i apologise for the slight sidetrack into my tea guzzling adventures and history , but as i walked into the living room with my mug with two teabags in ,much to the LOVELY LYNNES irritation, its a small pathetic victory over the forces of female coffee drinkers, but its my small pathetic victory!....Anyhow i sat down and who's on the telly, but a not so young NEIL YOUNG!

I know a lot of people who are big fans of NEIL YOUNG ,i have to admit not to being one of them , i've nothing against him and appreciate what he does, but i sat and enjoyed his acoustic show. He sat surrounded by a wall of standing guitars ,banjo's, etc and alongside him was a bucket with a mouthorgan in it. I always fancied being able to play the guitar and mouth organ . At one time i had a mouth organ ,quite a long one about 8-10 inches long. I was in the back of the car on a family trip to Wales years ago running the mouthorgan from side to side blowing and sucking producing what i thought was music of the angels, but my cousin beside me either didn't agree or he was just plain car sick and threw up over the protruding mouthorgan , i managed to freeze my playing the blues dead, or i'd blow vomit over the back of my dads head or suck a gobful of my cousins vomit depending wether i was blowing or sucking as the instrument went back from right to left. I somehow lost the urge to play with that mouth organ even after hours under the tap there was always something that looked like carrot or fried tomato in the workings of that instrument.  

NOW THE OLYMPIC HANGOVER....FROM OLYMPICS TO OLD LIMP PRICKS ,LIKE POLITICIANS,CELEBRITIES, SMART ARSE STANDUP COMEDIANS AND MOANING BASTARDS!

Now after a little admittedly cynical start to the OLYMPIC GAMES i am quite happily able to admit to being impressed and proud by my country and my fellow populous.....The joy and spirit that the British and Irish are known for is still there . And after a fortnight of being the centre of the universe we've showed the world how it should be done. The sportsman and women (,christ ,the girls were cooking on gas,weren't they?)....They were all amazing as were the crowds and all involved . The opening show and the closing show were both "WOW!" events .And i was a little worried ,when about midnight last night i thought that the WHO weren't going to appear at the closing ceremony, but "PHEEEUUUWWW!"....Pete n' Rog were there to help the place explode at the end. I have to say ,that aside from that French fellah ,the head of the OLYMPICS,or whatever he was ,still not convinced he was  important enough for every single bloody announcement over the whole games to be said in French first. The only other politician i saw or heard from was SEB COE and i have to admit to being impressed by what he said,god on yer ,Seb. At least i didn't hear from our beloved pain in the arse PRIME MINISTER and his lot ,as well as the other lot....Almost a politician free fortnight .Hardly any celebrities and not a single 'stand up 'comedian ...On our telly ,anyhow! We enjoyed the atmosphere and the sport ,some very strange ones i must admit, but i didn't get bored at all. The British athletes ,MO FARRAH ,etc ,just astounding stuff ,everybody in the house yelling over their chinese takeaway over the 2 Saturdays.

Will the spirit of sport infest us?...Will the gymns and leisure centres be full to the Sally Gunnells with people enrolling in all these new sports ,as well as the old ones determined to make RIO in 4 years ,or just to play a game and get rid of the gut?....I tried running a few months ago ,but not being much of a runner off the footy pitch , my attempts can be summed up in my graphic portrayal below. THE LOVELY LYNNE having recovered from her seriously bad illnesses this year is running with the dog and is feeling "GREAT N' SOOPER!"...And is feeling and looking great. The incentive to forge my body in the furnace of my will hasn't really taken hold yet with me.

Now the games have stopped the politicians are starting to move into their latest 'BUZZ THING!'....promoting school sports ,the same sports their cutbacks ,etc stopped and closed the facilities for all over the country....But it's good for votes. Funny a few years ago ,they were trying to reduce or stop sporting competition. Winning or losing wasn't important ,the taking part was what mattered, hmmmm?

The combat sports are holding their own ,the boxers ,the girls!.....Fighting a stormer all of them. The lads fought some hard opposition and all did well . The TAI KWAN DO had a bit of controversy ,the federation wouldnt pick the British World and European champion as he trains with his own coaches and not with teamGB. So the lad who took over got a lot of unfair flack ,even though he won a Bronze. It does seem the top fighter who'd rained for these game specially did get the shitty end of the stick.  But the Judo and boxers as well were unstoppable, as were the Irish boxers.   

We had a good showing in the various athletic events and a few Triathletes n' Pentathletes ,etc, i kept thinking of the achetype british comic character WILSON the fittest man alive!'....And , of course ALF TUPPER,THE TOUGH OF THE TRACK!'....He'd get the bus or run to take part in a marathon and stock up on fish n' chips before the marathon or 400 metres ,or 10000 metres ,or all of them.....Our Brit lads with a can of lager n' a fag overtaking USSAIN BOLT.

But overall ,as MICHAEL JOHNSON the American legend said.."He was happy that ,at last British Athletics had 'made it!"...Runners ,throwers ,jumpers .Had held there own and done us and themselves proud ,no longer also rans.

As Lynne is getting herself into a modicom of shape ,quite pleased that she has calf muscles. She did have a set of various gymn machines ,but my cousins thought it was highly amusing ,as they said that the only use she'll get out of them will be to drape washing over them....And sure enough the dripping undies and shirts n' blouses dripped dry from hi-tech fitness equipment in the utility room.

But now its all over ,the telly's back to normal ,last night JONATHAN ROSS was advertised as was THE X-FACTOR....Debates about the effect of the olympics and the way foreward ,etc etc is on every channel and all the endlessly repeated stand up comedians ,'Live at the Apollo ,etc are suddenly there again. Its back to normal again .



I DONT KNOW WHEN THE LAST MARTIAN OLYMPICS WAS ,BUT THEY STOPPED THE WATER EVENTS LONG BEFORE THE TRACK EVENTS.

                                                                        It has to be said that life and energy has been brought to our little island with these OLYMPIC GAMES thingeys taking place. It is wonderful to turn on the telly and hear stories of  normal dedicated people busting a gut for no other reason than to win a medal for their country....Real sportsmen and women ,not overpaid proffessionals ,except for the footy players and tennis players which are thrown into the mix for some reason. And it seems theres hardly a word spouted  from the politicians, in case they upset the voters who're having a ball. As Britain rakes in the medals they've started hinting about the promotion of sport for the youth of the future ....These are the same sporting facilities that their cutbacks have taken away from the the youth of the last few years and the future. All the athletes that have done us so proud have had to jump a bus or get a lift under their own steam at some ungodly hourin the morning or night to go and bust a gut at a gymn or pool somewhere before or after ,or both school or work. The corporate stranglehold and security and ticket screw ups were all down to the sponsors ,politicians and organisers and we know who they were, they caused the empty seats not the the Great British public.,The joy and euphoria and pure British insanity that has blossomed forth is wonderful, as a result   the rest of the world not only thinks we're mad  they're now convinced of it and i'm so proud of us!

                                                                     On the subject of worlds ,across the void of space "Nobody would have believed.....!".....I can hear RICHARD BURTON reading WAR OF THE WORLDS.While all the chaos was taking place here the yanks dropped the Martian rover CURIOSITY on the surface of MARS. It's job ,to have a trundle around ,filming ,scraping and digging to find traces of life. Maybe there was life once upon a time. Who knows Billions of years ago the OLYMPICS could have taken place there. Swimmers with 5 arms, Gymnasts with 4 arms and pretensile tails ,great on the parallel bars or the pommel horse, etc. But once the water had dissappeared after the magnetic field dissappeared the water sports woul've gone and the field events as well. But the craters would've made good VELODROMES and cycling would done well. The dry ground would've been ok for the track events so the OLYMPICS would have faded over time.The wet events then the murderous marathons ,as Mars has mountains about 10 miles high, murder on the hoof or bike have you seen the state of the roads ,rocks n' potholes on the Martian surface. There'd've been no countries once the seas had dried up so no international competition, so no sport ,the martians must've died of boredom.

3 DUUUHHHH!!

                                            A few weeks ago me n' the LEATHERBARROW rabble went to the pictures for the first time in a long time. It was to see THE AVENGERS ASSEMBLE......IN 3D...... we paid our exorbitant fees for the tickets then for the sweeties and popcorn to crunch and annoy the people sitting around us as much as their crunching and paper rustling was  annoy us.   best defence against irritation is to annoy them first .....Attack always the best form of defence. We then  had to splash out on a pair of crappy plastic sunglasses as the epic we were about to watch was in 3D.

We sat in our comfy seats down at the front ,if your going to watch the big screen you may as well watch it as big as you can.  back seats were ok for a snog with a bit o' stuff in younger days ,but when with the missus and daughter you may as well focus all your attention on the  screen and god forbid.. ....The film, things haven't half changed. I slipped my cheap scratched scuffed sunglasses on. Although the screen was about 30 feet in front of me i could hardly see it even if it was in 3D and bursting out at me across that 30 feet. When the MARVEL COMICS epic started the best bits of 3D imagery were the various 40-odd production company corporate image logo's. When the film started there was wonderful scenes of people stood in front of each other or cops in front of fire hydrants. These are the moments you go 'Oh a bit of 3D he looks like hes in front of the screen. For the next few minutes things look quite normal, i slipped my glasses off as i find them annoying and was amazed at how bright and colourful the film is without them until the suprisingly clear picture goes slightly blurry again as ,apparently a little 3D 'trick' is occurring on the screen ,so ,slipping my specs back on to see a taxi cab driving out of the screen the dusky gloom of the dark cinema exagerated by wearing sun glasses in such a room.

As the action rips off and IRON MAN and THE MIGHTY THOR, Lest we forget THE INCREDIBLE HULK as these are the guys who do a bit more flying in and out of the screen. CAPTAIN AMERICA doesn't do as much ,but his sheild flies around a lot . The CGI SPECIAL EFFECTS which are a bloody curse as everything is done so fast and frenetic and is compounded  by 3D.

Real life is 3D. Up ,down; side to side;Foreward and back.....2D as on film, etc seems to be 3D as the action is all over the place and is easy to follow . 3D is nearly 1D ,basically in and out of the screen. The last few times i've been to the 'Flicks' its been good ol'2D and i have to say i've preferred it  each time the pictures better the action easier to follow.

The prospect of the family sitting on the couch with our 3D sunglasses in front of our 3D telly ....Well, can you imagine 'EMBARESSING BODIES !!!!!!.... and allthe other telly goodies we're inflicted with night after night coming out of the screen at us ....Hmmmmmm?.....2D ,a t least keeps them within the screen where they're better off!
                                      

AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!F**KIN' CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION FREE PACKAGING????

                   As it has been mentioned in past blogs ,as well you should know if you've been paying attention to the garbled rubbish i fill cyberspace with ,well you'll know that only a few days ago ,yours truly celebrated his 52nd birthday. My daughter has stolen my light by having her birthday on my birthday. Everybody goes "Ahh isn't that nice!"....No, not particually! Family ring up to inquire about her birthday and i have to slip into the conversation about why JULY15th is such a big day for another reason , basically 'cos of me! JULY 15th has been my birthday for 38 years longer than it has hers. My aged ,slightly hung over body was dragged out of bed at some ungodly hour as madam wanted to open her presents! Eventually it came to me to open my cards and things ,all very pleasant and i do like birthdays ,etc ,i like anything that means people give me things.

One of my present was a fairly large cardboard box. A sign on the side announced that it was 'CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION FREE PACKAGING'!...I had never seen that before and thought it quite amusing as i began my attempt to open the box without getting frustrated. THE LOVELY LYNNE told me to take it easy and had a go and failed miserably. I had another go and broke into a bout of severe bad language as i thought i'd broken my little finger and in a fit of CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION i tore the top of the box.

When we cleared the cardboard debris and i spent a few seconds sucking my finger and trying not to swear i took a look at what wonders lay within this FRUSTRATION FREE CONTAINER,because funnily enough it told me how easy it would be to open it ,but not why. It didn't say what it contained. Eventually i discovered a KINDLE E-BOOK READER. Which i wasn't sure i'd want ,but i have to admit i'm quite enjoying it. Still read books ,etc ,can't beat a good second hand book shop y'know!

YOUR BORN ,THEY CUT THE CORD AND THE CATAPULT OF LIFE SLINGS YOU THROUGH YOUR LIFE TO A HOLE AND YOU DIE!!!

                                                                                        The older you get the faster time seems to fly by .The concept of time travel and being able to travel into the future is said to be pure science fiction, but its not! Anyone who has had a 52nd birthday as i just have and those poor swine who're even older, as a bunch of my cousins are, who, much to my joy and amusement   are suffering the advent of advanced years at around the same time as my own birthday, thankfully it eases my own pain to see others suffer. These time travellers as that is what they are, know the feeling of having some event or something far ahead in the future and then  you wake up one morning and its zoomed past into the distant past and is dissapearing into your memories....Theres nothing wonderful or nice about it !  It is F**kin' terrifying. One day your a kid ,then a schoolkid and having a wild time with friends and fellow batchelors gay .(The 'G' word here is used in the free ,wild ,boozing ,womanising context ,before it was stolen). Now ,suddenly the 'WILD BUNCH' aren't quite so wild as their wives and their bad backs wont let them.
                                                                           Physicists say that the reason time goes foreward is due to THE ARROW OF TIME! There is a force called ENTROPY a posh scientific word for the increasing universal disorder. As order becomes disorder its ENTROPY increases which, apparently is the way of the universe....Everything is falling apart! Most of use can feel the effects of ENTROPY, or the feeling your life , body ,etc is falling apart...Aches pains ,etc its all THE ARROW OF TIME in universal terms ,but in personal terms its the CATAPULT OF LIFE!....

Basically your born, they cut the cord and 'TWANG' the catapult is fired and you are slung through the years of your life at a constantly accelerating rate until you land in a whole in the ground and your dead! Ah isn't life wonderful?

AN OLYMPIAN F**K UP!!!....THE PEOPLES GAMES, HMMMMM????

 Ever since the goverment announced that London was going to be thrown in to the hat to potentially host the OLYMPIC GAMES the political sounbites were drowned out by the nationwide groan that issued forth from the population who have lost all iota of trust and respect for our leaders and our betters? We all knew that it was going to be a total F**k up from the start. Building problems kicked off the debacle and then the costs started to escalate to millions n' billions and on and on. The OLYMPIC TORCH ,eventually hits our shores and promptly goes out! Sez it all ,i'd've thought. Security is a total F**k up a fortnight before the opening ceremony as some security firm that were paid millions have screwed up and we now need 3000 soldiers that we've recently axed due to military cutbacks, probably to pay for the games. Theres a fuss as the goverment have put ground to air rockets on peoples luxury appartments. I don't quite understand the need for these short distance rockets which would shoot a plane down over the middle of the city which could cause problems when aircraft and missile debris comes raining down on to the streets of the capital. Radar and tracking equipment can detect air traffic and potential threats half way around the world, even in WW2 they attacked the V1&2's before they arrived in the city ,but for some reason they have to be stopped at 'virtually'target zero!'

The 'PEOPLES GAMES' as they've been laughingly portrayed .The games are going to benefit us all , companies like that old British family firm, MCDONALDS.  They have managed to have small traders ,chippies , unable or banned ,legally unable to sell chips unless its with a certain portion of fish.

Apparently theres a organisation LOCOG (LONDON OLYMPIC AND PARALYMPICACT 2006)...They have banned the use of the OLYMPIC SYMBOL and even certain words and phrases with Olympic overtones ,referring to medals and 'going for gold,etc'....People ,shops ,villages over the months have been banned from using the olympic symbol ,like in butchers and bakers using sausages and bread to make the loops. Olympic parties can't be called that and even if they were celebrating the flame passing through couldn't copy the torch or have Olympic parties ,when they tried to remove the'O' to host re-named 'LYMPIAN' parties ,because it was obvious what its all about and is seriously frowned upon if not banned.

The peoples games are nothing to do with the people ,most people cant even get tickets and unless its not a goverment sanctioned celebration cant even celebrate and show their pride at being British ,cos funnily enough ,theres no reason to be so ,but a lot of people still are!

BOB N' BING!...ISN'T A FAULTY DOORBELL...ITS BOB HOPE AND BING CROSBY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST DOUBLE ACTS 'ON THE ROAD'!..

                                                                                                 You couldn't get two more American ,American entertainers than BOB HOPE and BING CROSBY....Ironically ,whereas BING is a pure American boy ,the archyotype American comic BOB HOPE is an ENGLISHMAN born and raised during his early days in gods country. He went over 'the pond' and ,suprise ,suprise , spent time in reform school and was a boxer for a while, joking  he was so bad they sewed handles onto his shorts ,or was that LES DAWSON?...He broke into showbiz and on it went . To boost his career America joined the SECOND WORLD WAR ,so Hope could go and entertain the troops. In fact as the years went on, whenever Hopes career was having a quiet time of it America would go to war ;KOREA, VIETNAM, he was there entertaining the troops. This may seem a little extreme , but you have to put a little effort in if you wish to create a showbiz legend . All i can say is that the yanks didn't know their favourite comedian ,friend of the troops and presidents was a Brit. Apparently 'Our Bob' was a bit of a womaniser and a bit of a lad ,liked a drink and was a friend of all the stars like 'THE RAT PACK' of which he was a regular. Everybody tuned into watch BOB HOPE reading his monologues even when he got to an age where he couldnt read his idiot cards.

He met up with the other great, BING CROSBY a one time jazz singer who liked a drink. App arently Bing was the guy who fought to have his radio shows recorded and through him taping techniques eventually developed. He gave LES PAUL some kind of recording tape system and this lead to multi tracking. BING CROSBY ,get this!.....His team created THE LAUGH TRACK!!!....Which we've all grown up wih ,and which is used even today for virtually every comedy show,  but for radical ,finger on the pulse comedians into reality comedy ,like THE OFFICE',without the laugh tracks.....I dont know if the attraction of BING CROSBY to  BOB HOPE was access to the laugh track ,he wouldn't have had  to worry about the audience ,he would've got an audience pissing themselves laughing at the press of a button ,indeed a comics dream. Crosby was the ultimate 'CROONER' and SINATRA was told to copy CROSBY by concenterating on the words rather than the jazz beat and tune and ,apparently thats just what'OL BLUE EYES'went and did. Everybody loved UNCLE BING...He made it look so easy. He put a lot of effort into making it look easy. He also liked a drink and was a great fan of 'THE WACKY 'BACCY!'....And according to one of his sons ,was a right bastard who used to beat them with a metal studded belt until he drew blood. Some of his brothers backed him and some denied it . Some of his sons blew their heads off with shotguns. The rest seem to be getting on with it. That tasty blonde actress who played TASHA YAR in STAR TREK..THE NEXT GENERATION was a grand daughter of BING.

When BING N' BOB  weren't wearing funny trousers and sweaters playing golf ,or bouncing abuse off each other  on stage, they made about 7 films all titled 'THE ROAD TO...'...DOROTHY LAMOUR  was their paramour in most of the films until the last 'THE ROAD TO HONG KONG'...Where lovely BING decided that 40-odd DOROTHY  was too old to appear, but HOPE insisted she did or he wouldn't appear, so she got a little 'bit' in the film to keep everybody happy and the leading lady was JOAN COLLINS...But our heroes were looking a little 'past it' and it was thought the young fresh PETER SELLARS stole their comic thunder. It was arranged for them to make a film in the middle 70's ...THE ROAD TO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH'...This hit a hiccup soon after the decision was made to go ahead when BING  popped his clogs. They both had amazing lives living in amazing times ,wars ,prohibition ,gangsters ,etc and most important they were great to watch ,i admit to loving 'the crooners' and i watched a documentary about CROSBY the other day and he was so listenable as were they all, but he was so easy and funny and quick. HOPE was quick ,sharp and funny always doing the Oscars ,etc for year after year . He never got one and referred to the oscars as 'Passover. BING got one and on one of the road films HOPE grabs an Oscar and wont give it to CROSBY screaming how it was his and .."You've already got one!"...But although they were never a double act ,as such .They were perfect together and always worth watching.                                                           

ERIC SYKES (R.I.P.)...PLANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!

Sad news today as its announced that ERIC SYKES has died. I met him twice and he was a really nice and friendly humourous fellah in that cloud of cigar smoke ,a gent and as far as i'm concerned a comic genius. He got into writiing after an attempt to get into showbiz after the war along with everybody else filling the theatres and wireless waves in them days and a bit later the telly waves. He fell into writing and soon was writing for some big names of the time like FRANKIE HOWARD. Later he'd meet SPIKE MILLIGAN and they'd set up a writers co-operative and such comic luminories as GALTON AND SIMPSON, JOHNNY SPEIGHT and the DALEK inventor himself ,not DAVROS,but TERRY NATION and a variety of others through the years. SYKES helped MILLIGAN write his GOON SHOWscripts and actually on occassions took over the whole job ,when MILLIGAN was ill,or whatever. Whereas MILLIGANwas the achetype tortured genius throwing typewriters through windows ,or locking himself in offices for days on end, SYKES seems to have been a fairly level headed easy going bloke and wrote for many other peoples shows 'to help out'....He started his own show which became shortened from SYKES ON..... to 'SYKES' and with HATTIE JAQUES as ,originally his wife, but for comic freedom later becomming his sister at 28 SEBASTAPOL TERRACE ,EAST ACTON...ran for years. SKY are showing them again and i started watching them ,albeit unenthusiastically a year or two ago and i'd forgotten how witty and funny they were. SYKES was known for taking a simple premise and twisting it and stretching it to ridiculous lengths and it shows and that is the charm of the 'SYKES' series its not just another sitcom based in somebodies living room, its quite often a surreal universe with a settee in the middle.

The twisting an idea can be shown with two films he made ,the first a silent film about two labourers carrying a wooden plank ,aptly titled'THE PLANK',with his sidekick TOMMY COOPER and just about every British comedy actor there was. The other was 'RHUBARB.' Apparently when actors shoot a scene and are meant to be speaking in the background they ,so it was said , just repeat the word "RHUBARB,RHUBARB!"to each other. In his film all the characters throughout just said THAT word.

Sykes started having hearing problems in the 50's and had to learn to lip read. Funnily enough the big heavy spectacles he always seemed to wear weren't for his eyes and, apparently had clear lenses, but they were some kind of hearing aid. Years later when his eyes started going ,maybe they stuck something in his ears to help him see, i dont know.

YOU WAIT FOR AGES FOR A BUS ...THEN THREE COME AT ONCE AND WHIZZ STRAIGHT PAST!....BASTARDS!

When we left the wonderful land of Malaysia to come back to our pebble n' condom riddled shores .I said we'd swapped the bright lights of KUALAR LUMPUR for the broken streetlights of WARRINGTON. Which is ,fairly true ,but more likely to be the smashed bus stops of Warrington. I was treading through the crunchy shattered remains of one of the remains of the bus stops erected for the community and to protect people from the wind and rain and any other elements from which little old ladies and such need protecting from. For some reason ,which i have to proffess not having the slightest understanding as to the reason why, little scallie bastard kids n' teens who have decided to have a break from their computer or text phone are filled with an almost primal urge to smash plexiglass bus stops and windows in general .As i crunched through the shattered plexiglass crystals i glanced over the road and some member of this track suit clad adrenaline junkie hoards of knobheads had put the window of the chippy through???? Why? ,as the little bastards ,who ,actually are between a fifth and a bit less of my age are a lot taller than me....But ,anyhow they spend most of their feeding time in the bloody chippy.

I suppose the reason for the youth getting rid of the bus stops is partly as they consider them of no use .They stand there ,chewing, spitting ,smoking and looking generally intimidating. This has the desired effect upon the intimidated bus driver ,who instead of gearing down to slow and stop ,will gear up and accelerate over the plethera of speed bumps and whizz past the bus stop. The passengers getting tossed around the inside of the bus like an old episode of 'Star Trek', or Voyage to the bottom of the sea',where they always had a scene were the crew were thrown all over the place. Its got to a stage now where the bus drivers dont cruise around the route  taking it slowly so they're ready to stop ,but more like they adopt the RACING LINE  like FORMULA 1 drivers on a track, so they can get around their routes at the optimum speed as if to  get the bus version of pole position.

Then if you do manage to get on these examples of public transport(?)...We now have the ticket machine ,never has such an odious device been inflicted upon the public. Its value to the community is only equalled by the V2 BOMB from WW2. They charge a figure ,say 73 1/2 pence, nobody has that sort of small change ,so you end up giving a pound as theres a queue behind you as the last three busses have whizzed past and everyone is waiting for you to stop farting around looking for chang ,and they all have to do the same, so tickets may be relatively cheap, god bless our goverment, but the money being paid is way over. remember the old red busses with the open back and the chirpy bus conductor, just like 'ON THE BUSES'.... 

ROGER DALTREY...QUADROPHENIA...AND LIVERPOOL BOUNCERS THROWING PEOPLE OUT OF TOILETS AT A WHO CONCERT IN A TENT!

A certain famous cartoonist who goes by the name of HUNT EMERSON challenged me to draw the whole of the 'ORRIBLE 'OO'...THE WHO. So, eventually i did ,i managed to scribble ,scrape ,and splatter  a rough likeness of the man with the mighty leather lungs...ROGER DALTREY, from a few years ago. He truly did have and ,even now after a few problems ,still has an awsomely powerful voice. I always thought that PETE TOWNSHEND wrote songs in a spirit of spite to make Roger work . Fans only have to think of classics like 'WONT GET FOOLED AGAIN'..'LOVE REIGN OVER ME'...BABA O'REILLY' and on the list goes ,you dont often hear other people singing WHO songs, basically because i dont think they physically could. I met him once and It was a nice experiance to meet a personal hero and he was shorter than me, or the same height, but not taller. I definitly wouldnt like a smack off him, tho...He used to be a sheet metal worker and he's still got the stocky powerful build and shovel hands.

While i spoke to him i had a mobile and asked Roger if he could give my mate Simon a message .Simon meanwhile was in the process of getting thrown out of the toilets by one of Liverpools fine body of security men ,or BOUNCERS...When Simon asked him to give him a second as he was talking to ROGER DALTREY...The bouncer replied with the immortal line, "I dont care if its fuckin' ELVIS PRESLEY!!"....Roger laughed and told Simon to "BE LUCKY!"

He can be a bit bolchy ,but he says what he thinks ,when he did the WHO show in the LIVERPOOL SUMMER POPS he slagged of the LIVERPOOL CITY COUNCIL, all in there front row seats, much to the joy and pleasure of the crowd behind. The concert was in a massive marque and Roger commented how LIVERPOOL 'The home of rock n' roll' "And they put you in a fackin' tent!"This got a bit of grief  in the papers the following day. The following  night of the second show they laughed it off.   PETE TOWNSHEND said maybe next year they'd have a tin shed to play in.."..maybe thats all we fuckin' deserve!" Wonderful characters....Not friends ,brothers ,always fighting and arguing ,but there for each other if anyone piles in. 

PETE TOWNSHEND wrote QUADROPHENIA and had nothing but pain and trouble ,it was way ahead of its time and proved technically way to far ahead of its time that when they tried to perform it ,troubles erupted. TOWNSHEND, enraged would attack his sound engineer and wreck the sound equipment. Out of the smoke and carnage would be back to the old standards. It wasnt for nearly 30 years before they could contemplate playing the whole thing live.

But tonight across the U.S.A. on cinemas theres a special one off documentary about the making of the album...'THE REAL ME!'..With various concert footage etc, but we've got it on BBC4' tonight ,so we dont have to go out ,a nice take away and put the old SKY+ on. Lots of windmilling and leaping about the living room over the next few days ,methinks.

There is a possibility of THE WHO  doing a tour of QUADROPHENIA ,or "QUADRAFFEENNYA!" As those London chaps say. But up until a few months ago PETE TOWNSHENDS tinnitus and shagged out 'lug 'oles' are screwing up the chances of the faithful getting their WHO fix ,for a while . And i was told that DALTREY  and TOWNSHEND  were fighting over the lineup of the band, 50-odd years of totally disagreeing about everything ,i dont s'pose its going to change any day soon.

JOHN ENTWISTLE...'THE OX'...THUNDERFINGERS'....THE GREATEST BASS PLAYER EVER! POPPED HIS CLOGS 10 YEARS AGO TODAY (R.I.P.)

For a long time the wildest loudest rock band bar none was THE WHO....KEITH MOON battering hell out of his drum kit :ROGER DALTRY and his leather lungs screaming out the lyrics of PETE TOWNSHEND, who was hitting and bending notes combining screaming  feedback from his tortured lead guitar....The three of them created a cacopheny of noise and chaos that was beyond comprehension or belief. But ,ironically the far corner ,the left to the fan ,opposite TOWNSHENDS  corner was occupied by the quietest of the band . JOHN ENTWISTLE ,known as 'THE OX'...'THUNDERFINGERS'...and for some odd reason' THE QUIET ONE?'....He plugged his bass guitar into the most powerful amplification system he could find and blew everybody away. He played his bass like a lead guitar ,not the thrumming two finger the way most bass players in most bands tend to do....He had to match KEITH MOON, who went all out to hit every drum ,gong and cymbal in front of him ,so ENTWISTLE played cords at blinding speeds to match and beat 'MOON THE LOON'. And he had to beat the other 3 for noise and he did . DALTRY and him had a few run ins as ENTWISTLE would have the amps so high ,the volume would physically hurt DALTREY. He dealt with power and tune, his fingers moved like a lead guitarist but thunder came out from every touch....He was stunning.

Even though he was a quiet bloke he loved 'life on the road' and him and KEITH MOON were the team that drank and caused the chaos. His death ,on the eve of a WHO tour in a hotel room with a few ladies of the night and the sniffy sniffy white powder wasn't totally suprising. The tour was partly to help ENTWISTLE out financially as he did like the good life. But 10 years have gone ,much to my suprise ,i didnt think it was that long ago ,but when you get to a certain age ,never mind the clock !...The bloody calendars start running faster

THE HANDSHAKE ?

Me and my family are Irish and more than proud and happy to have those roots .I love the country and the people. We all know the 'troubles' which have been  going on for eternity and more. Lots of vicous acts have been committed on both sides and probably will be ,thankfully to a much  lesser extent than once before ,but the land is still full of dangerous nasty bastards who wont give up as far as they're concerned they're all in the right and F**k everybody else ,if you dont agree your the enemy and a target..

The queen god bless her is over in the bomb blastd town of ENISKILLEN over in NORTHERN IRELAND and despite the views of certain people ,she is being given a very warm welcome. Tomorrow she has to shake hands with ex -I.R.A. commander ,or something ,MARTIN MCGUINNESS. He may have wiped the blood off his hands ,moving into politics ,replacing the blood for the usual bullshit. His name is ironical as he's a member of some religous total abstinance and tee-total organisation which wont go near the stuff he's named after. But the queen has to be nice to the man who is said to have blown her uncle LORD MOUNTBATTEN to bits . I wonder wether she'll manage to be polite and charming ,or kick him in the bollocks or butt him in the face....good luck, m'am!