TONY BLAIR: BOOZE, POLITICS N' THE ROCK N' POLL LIFESTYLE...HE TOOK US TO WAR, BUT WORSE HE TOOK HIS TIE OFF AND UNBUTTONED HIS COLLAR!!!!!

TONY BLAIR GIVES IT TO GORDON BROWN......A signed copy of his autobiography, hot off the press!

Todays the day, the day when our once beloved glorious leader, TONY BLAIR has his autobiography released. The pavements outside of bookshops all around the country will be full of news reporters reporting how theres nobody queuing for 'Tonys Tome'. I'm sure the tale ,entitled 'A JOURNEY' will be a fascinating read. Apparently he's upset at soldiers getting killed in a war he sent them to; He hates GORDON BROWN. Apparently he's a bastard, etc, etc. Now thats the stuff people want. Vitreol and hatred and spite and a smattering of blame . Tony,like all great celebrities also hit the bottle ....POLITICS, THE NEW ROCK N' POLL!(sorry!). As Tony not exactly hitting the excesses we ussually hear about from our beloved celebrities. He'd have a G&T, then a few wines after dinner. I do that before dinner and i've never ran the country.

I get to order the dog to get out from time to time, thats the limit of my power and influence. Tony's away in the states pushing the book during his highly paid lecture tours. Apparently this very evening, our hero is having dinner with BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT( The afro-Irish president). Poor ol' OBAMA is going to get a copy of Tony's Tome wether he likes it or not.

Aside from all the 'stuff' he did when he was in charge. There is one thing i cannot forgive him for. Even worse than the military hell he's left us in. It is the ,taking off of his tie ;Undoing his top button;Taking his jacket off; And rolling up his sleeves. When in office, he created and cultivated his own Tony's Team...BLAIRS BABES,etc.He was surrounded by PR sorts; SPIN DOCTORS, advisors ,etc, etc. One day one of these bright young things came into Tonys office bubbling with excitment. Not with a way of fixing the health system , or sort inflation ,etc. No,Something much more important. An image issue. "Prime Minister ,the next time you give a speech ,take your tie off and even ,if possible your jacket then people can see that as you roll up your sleeves ,your one of the people, determined and willing to get down and dirty with all the voters."Tony must've though"WoW!"...."Thats really, really brilliant, guys!"Happy and relieved that he wouldnt have to work on something important, this was something to make him look good, so off came the tie.....DAVID CAMERON, who modelled himself on Tony also Whisked the tie and the jacket off. GORDON BROWN the LABOUR leader was a bit more CONSERVATIVE and settled just for the removal of his tie.Now ,every damned politician in the country, whenever they are speaking ,are always open collared. Even if every single other person in the hall has a tie on. It really pisses me off these politicians trying to be like normal blokes. They're not ,they are politicians ,they arent even human. And they can claim a nice silk tie on expences.

IF OPPOSITES ATTRACT DOES THE OPPSITION CONGEAL? AS OPPOSING MILIBAND BROTHERS OPPOSE FOR THE OPPOSITION!

Apparently ED n' DAVID MILIBAND,arent only brothers, but are the best n' closest of friends according to the spin merchants n' publicity shit peddlars of the LABOUR PARTY, which undoubtedly means the brotherly shit is flying all over the floors and walls of the loving Miliband family shared appartments. The ruck is over which is going to take over from GORDON BROWN(remember him?).....The fighting was vicous until 'the penny dropped and it suddenly occured to them that they weren't fighting over 'Gordo's 'old job which happened to be PRIME MINISTER of our once great nation. The post was now a little lower down on the political scale. Only LEADER OF THE LABOUR PARTY!....Which wasnt a bad job description to drag around. Then the second realisation hit them. They would be in charge of the losing party of the General election, which meant that the post they were fighting over was non other than ,LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION....That is basically political speak for The loser in charge of the losers, or Chief Loser. Considering the strange state of affairs after this election, Hung parliaments, etc. Normally the goverment side sit alone and the congealed mass of other parties sit opposite in opposition. But it seems now the goverment is the congealed mass of other party members in what has laughingly been called a coalition. They all sit there giggling at the poor old Labour party sitting opposite with no one to talk to.



This situation has the two loving brothers still arguing,but each wanting the other to take charge. Even if the opposition is the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is disagree with absolutly everything the goverment say. You dont have to plan policies at home at night for the following day, just turn up and 'wing it'. The brothers have their pride and want the other to take the fall and lead.

AS ANY FULE KNO ,NIGEL MOLESWORTH THE CURSE OF ST CUSTARDS SKOOL, AND GORILA OF 3B, IS NOW PRIM MINISTER OF GRATE BRITON..

As any fule kno, grate britin hav produsd many grate writrs. billy shakspere, charlie dikins and, of corse, me ....Nigel Molesworth..the curse of St Custards and gorila of 3b. i rote a heep of books abowt my xperinses at the strikt st custards which like all skools is uterly wet and weedy. but i was sentunced to all thos years in the jug to akquire culture and keep my brane kleen and ayd me to make it to the topp in this attommic age we live in. hem, hem..but aftr years of xperiances with headmasters and kanes,lat,french, geog, hist, algy, geom, chiz,chiz,....skool masters, skool dogs, skool sossages, my bro molesworth 2, fothering (hello clouds hello sky)thomas, I , being an ace reporter told uplifting tales of the brav fight of the boyz,wizz,wizz,who r brave feerless, noble ,etc, etc, also the swots, bulys, cissies, milksops, greedyguts, and oiks, hem, hem....

Grown ups r wot hapens to boyz when skool is finished. So i thort with my St Custards edukatin i would have to find something i wuld be qwalified for and i find it in politiks . i thort i would change my name to Gordon Brown and become ded importent in the gov. And when my best frend Tony Bluur, who is totaly wet and weedy with a fase like a squished tomato and to many teeth and always smiling like a weedy swot, left wurk, i become prim ministr of grate briton. Gordon Brown the curse of downing st and gorila of no 10.

SACK ALL THE EXPERTS, WHAT DO THEY KNOW,ANYWAY?

Everybodies a smartarse!...Everybody thinks they know more than you do. In my case its not true as i know more about everything than most of those clever clogs. A sure sign of having great knowledge of life the universe, everything and what colour bin has to be left out on Friday, is being able to argue with your mates,all shouting in disharmony, in increasingly loud voices after a growing number of pints at any bar on a Friday or Saturday night. When you have profound and deeply held beliefs and knowledge on basically 'EVERYTHING!'...But life and knowledge are ever changing things, so the following day, you look back at the earnest loud, boisterous debate ,you and the other 15 (all with differing opinions on well, .'EVERYTHING!') intellectuals had and think.."Oh christ! Did i say that?"Theres no time you will have thought,"Oh christ! did (somebody else) really say that?"No, you have humiliated yourself in your quest to spread knowledge and enlightenment to the masses.

But i do have an excuse,basically i was 'pissed as a fart!'.....But there are a group of people who argue and debate for a living, even being(relatively)sober. These smart'ares are the politicians. They may wear nice suits and have posh titles and fiddle expenses, but their 'debates' aren't much more dignified behaviour -wise than 'down the boozer'. But they have a secret weapon. The politicians from all opposite sides have 'experts and advisors to utilise their expertise in their chosen feild to advise the politicians. Who, lets face it need it. As i've mentioned the average shit'eads who run our country dont need qualifications and haven't done a days work in their fairly short, ( and getting shorter by the look of the bright young things speaking on various policies, etc, etc.) lives. The politicians get shunted around from time to time. So one day they may be in charge of the Dept of soft toilet paper and pencil sharpeners. Then the next they're running the NHS. They work with people who've studied and devoted their lives to the world of soft toilet paper and pencil sharpeners. Then people who've devoted their lives to the science and health of the nation. But the 'new boy(ok, or girl)' is instantly the boss, and they're in charge of a little thing like the health of the nation, just like that!

The problem with experts and scientists i that they deal in facts,experimental data, opinions of teams of highly qualified intellects who know what they're talking about, basically the stuff that is squeezed out all pristine and smart from the intellectual mangle is something very alien to politicians .The truth!
The truth is a nasty thing in its purest form, no good, whatsoever in politics. This truth must be treated and diluted until it becomes totally malleable and be able to be twisted and distorted to fit into a vessel called a policy. The data involved may fill libraries and be megabytes of computer space, but it must fit onto a few glosy A4 sheets of paper alongside party logos and smiling party leaders pictures. If an expert voices an opinion .It is the policy that is sacrosanct, not the evidence or truth. So, experts and advisors ,speak when spoken to, then return to your dusty university studies until you are summoned to advise, or your sacked!
There is a way around this system. As the prime minister found, recently. An officer in Afghanistan said ,much against Goverment announcements, that troops were dying due to lack of helicopters. Well, this would've gotten him a court marshall from Gordon Brown right away. But the officer in question was killed. So Gordon can't do anything about a dead hero's advice....Wether he'll do anything, ah now?.....
Just one thing (amongt many)thing puzzles me .Every party has opposing policies on ..well,'EVERYTHING!'..And they've all got experts and advisors. So is the expert advice totally different for every expert, or is the same advice just twisted and distorted to make a smart looking policy

( An irrate Gordon Brown appeared courtesy of the front cover of HA Magazine, aaah fame ,at last!!!!)

MP'S ARE DIRTY,BUT THE PRIME MINISTER ISN'T, HIM N' HIS BROTHER'VE GOT A CLEANER. I KNOW 'COS I'M PAYING FOR HER!

Today another batch of fiddling by MP's on their expenses hits the news headlines. Everybody is running two cars, two houses; getting houses built; porno dvd collections for their husband ;private planes ,etc,etc,.But now the big boys are involved Jack Straw for claimed his full payment of council tax, even though for some reason he's only paying half. Now old Gordo' Brown our beloved prime minister's joining in the fun. Something about paying for a cleaner for him and his brother. Apparently they are all very concerned how it all looks to the voters. There you see, not right or wrong, just votes, just looking good for the voters, nothing else matters. The Mp's are all excused and described as being"POSSIBLY NAIVE ?", which is all very sweet. But for the rest of us, who, of course aren't naive. We'd be criminals "screwing the system".... How things change, only a week or so there's our Gordo' walking the corridors of power chatting to kings n' presidents, now he's embroiled in CLEANERGATE, seeing if he can pay his own Downing street, security cleared Norah Batty from our money , or stick his hands in his pocket and pay her himself with his own money, which funnily enough we gave him.

Right! After putting the world to rights i've got to run the hoover around the house, wash the dishes and tidy up, once i've found my flowery pinny and, of course my rubber gloves (they're for later???)

FREE SPEECH CAN COST YOU AND YOU CAN BE CHARGED FOR SPEAKING FREELY !!

There are billions of people on this planet of ours and we are told that everyone is different. There are different ;Races, creeds, colours of skin, shapes of faces;preferences of footy teams ;Eastenders, Emmerdale or Corrie; Political leanings, etc, etc .So it is almost impossible to say something about anybody without offending somebody somewhere somehow or way. This has rendered the noble concept of Free speech, totally unworkable. In many places people who speak out are quite simply shot. In our enlightened side of the world people write to the BBC, to complain or specialist goverment departments who are highly trained to spot the various 'ist',or 'ism' remarks and constantly invent new ones; Racism, sexism were once the old favourites, once there was only a few ,but with advances in abusive technology we have ,ageism ,sizeism,spotism ,stupidism,stinkism,and on it goes. Once it was;"Sticks and stones may break my bones(which seems reasonable enough)..But names will never hurt me..(But they'll crucify you!)"..Theres no escape, they'll have you wherever n' whenever you open your mouth. And because we are so decent and understanding and liberal in our noble beliefs,or is it so quick and eager to take offence, quite often it isn't the people being referred to that are offended .They may take a comment in the possible well meant spirit in which its delivered, but its other people who take offense on their behalf...



The wonderful Jezza Clarkson was caught over the other side of the world in the wilds of Australia during a Top Gear stage show..(I wonder how 'The Stig' roadtests the latest Ferrarri on a stage in a theatre/)...Jezza, the pot-bellied ,frizzy- haired idiot ,i'm sure wouldn't accuse me of being; Pot-belly'ist ; Frizzy-hairist, or idiot ist, as he is

(1) Pot bellied......................................... CHECK !



(2) Frizzy- haired (albeit a little less frizzier, but greyer, these days)..........CHECK !



(3) Idiotic (In a funny way, of course)..............................CHECK !



So that seems reasonable description of our favourite motoring celebrity. But when he tried to give an inciteful geneological,physical and psychological profile of our beloved prime minister to these ignorant Aussies who know as much about Gordon Brown as we do about their glorious leader. He described as :A one-eyed, Scottish idiot.He was in trouble. The reasons for this description:



(1) One-eyed..................................... CHECK !

(2) Scottish......................................Ohh, och aye CHECK the noo!

(3) A total f**'in' idiot......................CHECK n' double CHECK !



But from the far side of the world Jezza was adjudged to have been found guilty of being;



(1) Mono-visualist'ist...............................GUILTY !

(2) Racist...................................................GUILTY !(Sasenach swine !)

(3) Idiotistical'ist.....................................GILTEE !!



It sounds like a perfect description of the P.M. to me ,but i can say what i like as talk is cheap as long as its not free.

HOW MANY CARICATURES ARE THERE ON THE WALL OF THE BOG IN No10 D0WNING ST ???

As i sat with my gallon mug of tea ;Two boiled eggs and very heavily buttered toasted crumpets watching what the rest of the world was up to at this ungodly hour of the morning. I find being shoved out of my nice warm bed by my beloved lovely lady Lynne isn't something i enjoy. I've never been a morning person. Come to that, i've never been an afternoon , evening or night person either. There must be a ten minute period of the day where i'm at my peak.....But it's definitly not the morning ,or this early morning. I'm the only one not going out, but its me getting up to bring them tea n' coffee in bed, if i had the 'bottle' it'd be over the bed ! But, ironically the one thing that eases my misery and foul early morning temper is seeing how bad and miserable the rest of the world is. In maths and physics two negatives make a positive. A positive and a negative form a negative ,so i stay away from cheery programmes and cheerful man and woman double acts on the newsroom settee in the ITV and BBC newsroom until i'm ready and my depression and misery has hit ground zero and bounced back upwards to a level which could be called relatively un-miserable. It was at this point , this morning when i turned the BEEB morning news programme on and they had the wonderful MARTIN ROWSON on talking about being told off for making our beloved leader, Gordon Brown look fat. Martin came out with the best description of our glorious leader when he described his jaw movements as, "Like swallowing a sheep". Nice one Mr Rowson, sir.


It has alway amused me when i watch the politicians, esspecially, look a caricatures of themselves. I don't think i've ever seen one that hasn't grinned broadly with an open mouthed laugh to follow, to show how they can take and appreciate the joke. But this animated appreciation is accompanied by a steely cold glint in their scheming dead fish politicians eyes. Through the years i've caricatured politicians and celebrities, the celebrities are a many and varied lot, but the politicians are a more homogenous lot. They'll tell me how great it is and how i've made them look a little overweight; Use my first name and for a moment or two i think i'm going to be invited to dinner and be friends for life. But that passes, very quickly, and eyecontact which was so intense for a second or two is broken, never to be re-established again.


Even today i meet people who have caricatures i did of them years ago. And, it is true that many of them actually do hang them up on the toilet wall. Now i don't know why, maybe it's a form of artistic criticism, its the place to put it if it's shit. Or, its the opposite , as people spend a lot of time in the 'bog' ,they can sit and shit and admire your mastery of the inky line and almost mystical understanding of the structure and composition of the human face and through this talent and knowledge reveal the true spirit and character that a big head,massive nose ,sticky out ears and smaller, but bloated body can reveal. If the toilet in number 10 has them on the wall. The smallest room would have to be, by far the biggest room. The caricatures would have to be computerised on a wall screen, and while the leader of men is sitting about his buisness the caricature would be of a thumbnail gallery , as on computer websites. Now theres a horrifying thought. Will there ever be a time when people will stop reading books ,papers ,comics and magazines on the 'bog' and sit there with their laptop...Who says technology is a wonerful thing?