DONT MENTION THE WORLD CUP!!!!...........

so i *%*$£@+^%££$&XXXXXXXX'in' wont!!!!!!

AMERICAN GENERALS WITH BIG MOUTHS !...DONT APOLOGISE ITS TRADITIONAL!!!!!!.....

Its always good to see , in these days of uncompromising change that old traditions are surviving and are indeed alive and well. One in particular. The one that all American military men have big mouths. In times past they've had generals spouting off, chewing cheroots and walking around with pearl handled six guns. Not like British generals, of course. Mind you ,ol' MONTY wasn't backwards in coming forewards and his battles with our allied generals from across the pond was a lot more bitter and nasty then the battles he waged against the might of the German forces.
The boss of the AFGHANISTAN conflict was a certain GENERAL McCHRYSTAL. A quiet man, apparently. And with his background in BLACK OP'S, and SPECIAL FORCES,etc,etc this quietness could come in handy, blacked up behind enemy lines. But now he's a desk bound cigar chomping 567 star general he goes about his duties with his own war correspondant in tow. I never thought of ROLLING STONE magazine having a war correspondant, out side of Hollywood and the Oscars. But with the reporters in tow this ,obviously not so smart leader of men starts voicing opinions about his president and various suited and uniformed bosses in the white house and the Pentagon. I find it funny that all these unfairly berated(i'm sure) 'Sons of Bitches' actually read The Rolling Stone. A copy in the Oval Office and the War -Room of the Pentagon.
And so, our big mouth brave hero is summoned home, grovelling apologies, but, alas to no avail, as BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT(the Afro-irish president of the us)..Is a man reborn and revived, with the bit betwixt his big smiley pearly white teeth. He's fighting wars; Oil companies; The world economy,without breaking a sweat. One big mouth general who called him a name aint gonna give O'Barnpot any trouble ,oh no way, man! So as i type this rubbish Ex- General McChrystal is picking up his first dole cheque, or starting flipping hamburgers somewhere.

I USED TO HIDE BEHIND THE COUCH WHEN DOCTOR WHO WAS ON THE TELLY....NOW ITS WHENEVER ENGLAND PLAY.

When i was younger in the days of black n' white DOCTOR WHO'S. A long time ago when the Doctors had passed the age of puberty, like WILLIAM, HARTNELL and PATRICK TROUGHTON...When the DALEKS, CYBERMEN, etc, etc..scared the living daylights out of young lads. And as we know we all used to dive behind the couch at the first "EXTERMINATE!"....The dark was cosy and safe behind the horrendous settee with the flower patterns on that were a lot more horrific than any beastie, robot or monster the Doctor Who scriptwriters could come up with.

But ,as we grew up our fears changed and it wasnt so much the beasties, robots or monsters that scared us, but the fact that our television license payed for the worst special effects and wobbliest sets in telly history. Even worse than CROSSROADS, but that was on ITV. We didnt have to pay for that,so that was ok.

But much like the classic Doctor Who days, the boyhood fears have returned me behind the couch . When i sit to watch ENGLAND play(if thats the word). The acting is the same ,way over the top; Most of the game looks like certain defeat for our heroes,(and ussually is), as they run around screaming and shouting, like all the Doctors assistants: And as for the monsters and beasties, well, we've a few, well able to drive you behind the couch....Well! WAYNE ROONEY for a start

AAAHHH, IT MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE.....ALGERIAN !

U.S. AND US !

An American politician once said...."NEVER LET A GOOD CRISIS GO TO WASTE!"....

Theres a dark ,greasy, slimey,filthy,polluting filth filling up the Gulf of Mexico and it is understandebly upsetting the people who have to live and work in the reigion as they watch their livliehoods and ecological, natural landscape getting destroyed. And then you have the Dark, slimey, oily, greasy, filth that is American politics. Ballcock o'Barnpot( the Afro-irish U>S> president) has had some wonderful photo oppertunities out of this ecological catastrophie. And , the slavering morally determined mass of congressmen, who are up for re-elections in a few months want to be seen to be fighting for the suffering 'man on the beach'. O'barnpot, after getting a 'little' slagging off.("He's said too much too late") is getting tough and is going to get tough with them "Goddam Limey sons of bitches" at B.P. Or British Petroleum, as we once liked to call it,But O'Barnpot still likes to call it ,as often as he can squeeze it in to his televised blathering. I'm sure its nothing to do with building up anti British feeling in the home of freedom, democracy and moms apple pie. And while the resentment boils up ,if he can screw a few billions of dollars from B>P> and the British pensioners. Well, the electorate'll love him forever.(What was that about 'a good crisis?)... The strange thing is ,i was reading that the oil-platform that exploded and killed all those men and caused the oil leak, was supplied by a company called TRANSOCEAN. Who were once the finest supplier of deep sea oil drilling technology. They merged with an American company called SANTA FE,something or other.They're based in J.R.EWING territory of Houston, Texas. But since the Americans moved in and took over Transoceans reputation has plummetted worldwide. So, it seems to a naive sort, as my good self, that the Yanks have a lot of blame to shoulder in this oily sticky mess, as the platform and crew was theirs.

The new england world cup song...OH CHRIST !...'ERE WE GO !(again!)...ERE WE GO !(again!)...ERE WE GO!(again!)........

BUTTER-FINGERS!!!!

Everywhere i look ,there's England flags flappin n' fluttering, health and safety regulations allowing, of course. This is a wonderful show of pride and patriotism by the people of our great proud country. I have a lot of faith in the pride and belief of 'everybody' back here at home. The problem ,for me lies with the fact i've absolutly no faith in 'our boys' in the England squad. "C'mon ,Tim, give 'em a chance"thought i to myself and sat down to watch the travesty of a game against the USA, for christs sake. Then afterwards, looked out at the flags fluttering from houses and cars in our close and thought "Ah well, they'll be coming down by the end of next week."

But even after one of the all time goal-keeping 'cock-ups'; And half the squad of deadbeats chosen by our Italian 'gaffer' dead n' beaten by injury, its not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining, they do say. And even at this time of National disharmony, pain and fear for the next few games and our increasingly slim chances in the tournament, this old saying is true. I was asked a few years ago to illustrate a book in Hong Kong, for the chinese, written by a Geordie lad, explaining various football sayings and expressions. As ever my moment of fame never came to pass and the artwork wasn't used. But after the England game ,this particular one , i think is particually apt.

ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS ,A QUESTIONABLE GUIDE TO THE LIFE ,THE ,UNIVERSE N' ALL THAT STUFF!

Gazing out into space, cos' you can see it from our back garden on a clear day. I wondered on the mysteries of life the universe ,smelly socks n'the intensity and frequency of skidmarks on underwear n'stuff n' everything of importance to our daily grind. I put my massive,if underused intellect to the problems and mysteries involved. After a while i'd solved half of the mystery of the cosmos. I'd worked out the questions.

WHAT..?

WHY...?

WHERE...?

WHEN....?

HOW...?

PHEW.....WHO WAS THAT....?

WHOSE ROUND IS IT....?

DO YOU FANCY A BIT O'..........?

WHERES ME KEYS.......?

Now having solved half of the equation all i needed was the answers, easy, no sweat......

ARE YOU DEAF,OR WHAT?

'COS!

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE THEM?

THEN

LIKE THAT

IT WASN'T ME

I GOT THE LAST ONE.

NO!..GET OFF N' GO TO SLEEP.

(couldnt find an answer to that one)

So, there you go all the problems that weigh so heavily upon our feeble mortal shoulders .Cause us so much stress,stomach disorders like flatulance and wind (stress farting is on the increase in our high pressure age.) Falling out hair. Go on havent you been slightly alarmed at the massive knotted clumps of hair blocking up your plug hole?....All those problems have been analysed and solved.You can all relax, now. When you understand it, life ,the universe n' everything, etc,etc is quite simple and straight foreward in a curved spacetime sort of way(except for the socks n' skiddies!).No, theres no need to thank me, i shall take my leave. I've solved everything and i haven't even had my breakfast, yet.

TIM(FINGER ON THE PULSE)LEATHERBARROW TOLD YOU SO!

If you scroll back through the widom and deep penetrating observations of the insanity and inanity of our jolly lives in general,as pointed out and explained in this blog thingey. One of the 'finger on the pulse 'items was about the possible sudden exiting of a certain Spanish manager of Liverpool FC.....I frighten myself sometimes at my understanding and 'on the button 'prophesies,its almost paranormal, ESP, X-Files, etc,etc.........

FAREWELL TO RAY ALAN AND LORD CHARLES.....NOT PRINCE CHARLES!(He's alive n' kicking, and apparently doesnt speak with a hand up his back, apparently)

RAY ALAN(R.I.P.)....LORD CHARLES(R.I.P.).......PRINCE CHARLES(alive n' kicking)

Once upon a time when we were young and only had 3 telly channels; Testcards; The High chaperal and Benny Hill: All day religion on a Sunday; The Saturday Big Movie and Jimmy Hill on Match of the day. There was also lots of variety shows. One of the faces that was a fairly regular one popping up on Rolf Harris; David Nixon; Bob Monkhouse: Royal Varieties ,etc, etc was a guy called RAY ALAN.Sadly he 'popped his clogs' and died today.He was a ventriloquist.He was the best ventriloquist.(Does anybody know what one of those is nowadays?) But his puppet/character was the wonderful monacled and permamentaly sozzled LORD CHARLES("Silly arse!")....If you want to see how funny and clever this guy was look on you tube at a sketch where Lord Charles is trying his hand at being a ventriloquist. Wonderful stuff!

I cant help wondering with all the stuff in the various obituaries and the mentions of LORD CHARLES.....I wonder if some foreign leaders ,maybe Ballcock o'barnpot (the afro-irish U.S.president) amongst them have sent messages of condolance to THE QUEEN, after having confused Lord Charles with PRINCE CHARLES. Who is, as we all know alive and kicking and doesnt need a hand up his back to function....Well! iAssume so ,but what he does in his own time is up to him.

IF OPPOSITES ATTRACT DOES THE OPPSITION CONGEAL? AS OPPOSING MILIBAND BROTHERS OPPOSE FOR THE OPPOSITION!

Apparently ED n' DAVID MILIBAND,arent only brothers, but are the best n' closest of friends according to the spin merchants n' publicity shit peddlars of the LABOUR PARTY, which undoubtedly means the brotherly shit is flying all over the floors and walls of the loving Miliband family shared appartments. The ruck is over which is going to take over from GORDON BROWN(remember him?).....The fighting was vicous until 'the penny dropped and it suddenly occured to them that they weren't fighting over 'Gordo's 'old job which happened to be PRIME MINISTER of our once great nation. The post was now a little lower down on the political scale. Only LEADER OF THE LABOUR PARTY!....Which wasnt a bad job description to drag around. Then the second realisation hit them. They would be in charge of the losing party of the General election, which meant that the post they were fighting over was non other than ,LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION....That is basically political speak for The loser in charge of the losers, or Chief Loser. Considering the strange state of affairs after this election, Hung parliaments, etc. Normally the goverment side sit alone and the congealed mass of other parties sit opposite in opposition. But it seems now the goverment is the congealed mass of other party members in what has laughingly been called a coalition. They all sit there giggling at the poor old Labour party sitting opposite with no one to talk to.



This situation has the two loving brothers still arguing,but each wanting the other to take charge. Even if the opposition is the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is disagree with absolutly everything the goverment say. You dont have to plan policies at home at night for the following day, just turn up and 'wing it'. The brothers have their pride and want the other to take the fall and lead.

WWW.FFF-IN'.COMPUTER.DEADSTOP.COM

Some of the sharper eyed of you out there will have noticed the more than usual irregular examples of rantings and ravings and all round blatherings lately. This is partly due to a severe case of pure unadulterated bone idleness on my part. But when ,with a superhuman burst of effort i dragged my lazy arse to the drawing board and got to it. When i'd finally produced something. I'm not saying it was worth the effort of producing it, or, for that matter of reading it. But it took time so that was your lot. wether you liked it or not. I sat at the computer to post the rubbish on the blog. But the computer just wasnt having it. I'm no fan of computers but a critical computer! I'm not standing for that. The internet and world wide web,etc,etc are very wonderful and clever things. The whole planet connected by photons and electrons whizzing about at almost the speed of light. Except here. Our computers photons and electrons dont so much whizz as move with the speed of a peanut sinking in a bowl of porridge. In our hi- speed age ,our computer harks back to a slower more relaxed time .

The slow workings of the computer can be forgiven, as me n' it are very similar and are alike in lots of ways. But what drives me up the wall is when it comes to a dead stop. As the computer screen freezes and i cant change pages ,move it up down across or shake it all about. Its inanimation gets me animated, into a totally psychotic rage .Where i want to smash and destroy and kill this already dead machine 'stone dead'. Then theres a slight flicker and the damn thing works up until the next hiccup. It has become a battle of wills with me n' the computer. If for a moment i let my guard down and show satisfaction with the computers progress. It will pounce and cut out on me. I have to intimidate it from start to finish. I sit in front with a CLINT EASTWOOD squint(Post DIRTY HARRY mid 1970's, best Eastwood squinting years.) and hopefully i'll get lucky with that punk computer.

IN WHATS LEFT OF OUR LIVERPOOL HOME;WE SPEAK WITH AN ACCENT EXCEEDINGLY RARE;LIVE UNDER A STATUE ,EXCEEDINGLY BARE,WELL WE DID ,BUT HE'S GOT TO GO...

AND THE LIVERBIRDS COULD BE THE NEXT TO GO!

One of the most wellknown sights for anyone going into the fair city of LIVERPOOL, is the LEWIS'S DEPARTMENT STORE. Stood there standing, through fire, wars ,blitz, depression, and a variety of other things guaranteed to ruin anybodies day, since the 1850's. Throughout its history it has had a whole record of firsts and biggests, etc .And is basically beloved by scousers going back generations ,wether they be customers or the remarkably loyal and faithful staff. The other main landmark ,esspecially for the kids, was the 'nudie man' standing proud and semi erect over the front enterance. The people who commissioned it and the artist who sculpted it, called it LIVERPOOL RESURGENT. But to the people of Liverpool, he's always been DICKY LEWIS. The pavement under Dickies knob is the most famous meeting spot in the city. Lads n' lasses waiting for their dates. Myself included. Sharing the experiance with the likes of JOHN LENNON and CYNTHIA.

But it has been decided by the powers that be ,who, As we all know, their only thought is for the people and character of Liverpool. The councillors and the property developers who think that the old buildings in the city should be replaced by yet more shopping malls. Tiled floors ,Costas ,Starbucks and as many cloths shops as can be forced in to the new shopping/leisure facilities. Apparently, they plan to bung in a few skyscrapers into the surrounding area. A couple of towering glass tubes ,bound to draw the tourists into see the famous port of Liverpool. I like old buildings;old towns and old shops; I like old back streets and old back street pubs. I dont see why it all has to go to make way for "change!". Liverpools most famous landmark, after all is ,basically a back street and a couple of back street pubs. And a basement club called THE CAVERN.This was originally demolished by some genius. The empty space stood empty for years. Until another genius decided they'd build an exact replica, but a few feet to the right. All this to a certain four man beat combo called the BEATLES.Who,played and drank in MATTHEW STREET. The Beatles, incidently used to play at staff parties in Lewis's. They played on the roof ,as well,long before the ABBEY ROAD ROOF. And Sir MACCA was a delivery boy for them before he threw it all away and joined a band.

PETE TOWNSHEND CANT HEAR ONE OF THE LOUDEST ROCK BANDS IN THE WORLD AND HE'S THE LEAD GUITARIST!!!!

Shock, horror and aghastness abounded as i ambled along the magazine rack in Asda the other day. I avoided all the Katie Price and Alex Reid stories and stumbled across a headline in one of the music mags. Basically it was ROGER DALTREY saying that 'cos him n' PETE TOWNSHEND are both 'shagged out' and...(this is where the shock n' horror an' agahstness really kicks in!)...THE WHO MAY HAVE TO STOP PERFORMING!!!!...

Roger has trouble with the voice, but has managed to overcome that as his apparently triumphant performance at the R.A.C.(No, not the car people..the ROYAL ALBERT HALL..if you dont mind!)..of QUADROPHENIA. But he's also having hearing troubles. But not as bad asthe almost deaf Mr Townshend, who's tinitus may be beyond repair. So one of the loudest guitarists in the world could be playing ,blowing the eardrums of stadiums full of fans and not knowing if his guitar is plugged in.

THE WHO were officially once registered as the loudest band in the world. I think it was a concert at CHARLTON F.C.( Probably the only thing Charlton fc is famous for.) The noise, apparently was the equivalent to five atom bombs going off in your living room. If your standing three feet in front of the speakers producing this cacopheny of sound, i'm sure the ol' tympanic membrane (ear drum ,ya ignorant gets)...aren't built for that kind of hammering.

The other possible cause for Townshends ears was the famous filmed version of a performance of MY GENERATION, on American telly and at the climatic instrument smashing end, KEITH MOON thought it'd be a bit of a wheeze if he dynamited the drum kit. Which he duly did. The explosion knocked Townshend sideways across the stage and was reputed to have added to all the other drum wreckage across the stage a set of perforated eardrums belonging to poor ol' Pete.

The other probable cause ,which is a lesson in this MP3 n' all that stuff age. Its been said that Townshends lug'oles have taken a hammering from earphones over the years in the recording studios, etc. Its not suprising really. The old earphones were cushioned and 'clamped around the head. Whereas the modern earphones actuall bore deep into the ear cavity. The noise can still be heard from the far end of a train carriage. I dont know which is the more annoying the actual ,being able to hear the music being played;Or the buzzing ,when you can hear the noise, but not make out the track. Yes, i know i'm a moanin' ol' fart, i've a loving(?) family that constantly remind me.

IF YOU START PADDLING YOU MIGHT CROSS THE ATLANTIC AND MAKE THE SHREWSBURY CARTOON FESTIVAL!

iTS THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN...THE SHREWSBURY CARTOON FESTIVAL is about to explode into inky action when cartoonists are either mad bad n inky or mad bad n boozed up. Where the main squares are full of cartoonists drawing cartoons on boards or bored drawing cartoons and caricatures in all temperatures and weathers. Being as well as a stupid breed a hardy bunch of breeders or bleeders, i'm still not too sure which. I never imagined that the nice town of Shrewsbury and the not so nice deranged scribblings of the countries cartoonists would be tied up with an erupting volcano over in Iceland ,but it is. There was meant to be a bunch of scribblers from 'Darn under! coming along, but thats looking extreemly dodgy .And a very talented caricaturist and friend ROBERT LAFONTAINE from Canada was going to come over. We had cleared the lawnmower and various bits of stuff so he could sleep in the shed at 'chez Leatherbarrows' for a few days and then we would hit Shrewsbury together. But likewise i cant see that coming to pass!

Last night i spoke to him on the phone and over in Canada nobody seemed to know what was occurring. At that time no plane at all was flying in British airspace from anywhere to anywhere for another couple of days. So i advised Robert to get the kids dinghy and start paddling if he wanted to get to Shrewsbury. Then a mere few hours later on ,when the multi million pound losing air authorities arm wrestled the goverment in a drinking lounge in the bowels of Westminster, in to lifting the ban on aircraft flying over British airspace. In a matter of hours the skies were safe and theres nothing to worry about. We know that cos the minister for safety said so.

If anyone out there is flying over the Atlantic just keep a look out for a lean tall guy with an art portfolio in a dinghy

NEWS FLASH......Our hero has made Blighty. And as i type he's having a wander around the fair city of Liverpool. I dont know how Quebec compares to the 'pool', but he's got to face Warrington later on!.......Bon chance ,mon ami.....

WHATS KEEPING ALL THAT VOLCANIC ASH UP THERE?

Convection currents n' bullshit ,thats wot! After the travesty of a party leaders debate last week it was found the only good thing to come out of it was that all the hot air n' bull shit convectional currents given off prevented all the ash from landing on Manchester. Our beloved leaders are now being shunted strategically around the country ,not only to bore the arse off us all with 'their policies' and how its time and our chance for change ,blah ,blah ,blah yak ,etc,etc, etc, and on...But the main reason for shunting them around the country is so that all the hot air they give out is prodding and shoving all this volcanic ash up into the higher stratosphere and not coming down to cover us down here on the ground .Covering the houses and gardens and causing coughing n' spluttering on plague-like proportions.The main news coverage is about people stuck in airports around the world. But what about the abundant numbers of cheap car wash's around 'our way' manned by grinning foreign looking lads who dont speak a word of English. They would literally 'clean up' if all the ash coated the land, but it looks like they will lose out if the ash stays up there. Thats unfortunate for them ,but like everybody else in their new homeland they've got something to blame the politicians about.

EXCUSE ME !...BUT WHAT IGNORANT GET SAID GOOD MANNERS COST NOTHING, AND POLITNESS DOESNT HURT?

This very morning something on the telly made reference to a newspaper article about ,how good manners and politness is in a sharp decline. I absolutly refute this 'nothing else to stick on the page, so we'll put this on to get a mention on the telly news programmes less serious moments story- headline.'.....As someone who always holds the door open for people and who will give up my seat for the old ,needy and extreemly sexy. I know its not the good manners and politness thats on the decline, but the polite response from the increasingly ignorant shower to whom i hold the doors open to and give up my ,by now warmed up seat.

I go into town shopping ,for my sins ,with the Lovely Lynne(not sins with the Lovely Lynne ,the shopping, sadly.) When i'm entering or leaving a shop, i'll hold the door open if theres somebody nearby. If i'm lucky i'll get a barely responsive grunt from the recipient of my well-meaning action. But ,not often. What often happens ,people speed up to take advantage of the open door ,and often whole families pile through ,mum, dad ,kids ,bloody prams, the lot .Nobody would consider pressing their hand against the door to hold it open for themselves or their brood. So yours truly ,grinding his teeth, but too polite to say anything stands there like a bloody idiot as a queue starts to stretch across the concourse waiting to be allowed through the door. As they stomp past ,most dont even give a sideways glance as i give filthy disbelieving looks in all directions at the ignorant shower of bastards who're walking past me ,who've walked past me and yet to walk past me.

The other fun-packed way of passing a few moments is to give up your seat to somebody on a train or bus. I've stood to let some old dear or a pregnant woman, or whoever sit, and ,on the whole get a guarded response. But quite often someone else will pile past slamming their shoulder into me or their palm into my face knocking me back like a foreward fending off a tackle in the Rugby 6 nations championships. Then ,once they've parked their fat ignorant stupid arse on the seat that i've kindly warmed for them. Not a word is uttered to me ,or the person to whom i'd originally intended the seat for. They sit gazing with a fixed glassy stare straight ahead, totally oblivious to anything you may have to say to them.

So whoever said good manners doesnt cost anything and politness doesnt hurt....Except for the battering to your ego and confidence by being ignored; The ruination of your day as you try and hold in your temper; And your growing dissappointment in people, except for that ,they may well have a point.

THE LITTLE HARD-ON COLLIDER HELPING TO DISCOVER THE BASIC BUILDING BLOCKHEADS OF THE POLITICAL UNIVERSE!

When the LARGE HADRON COLLIDER whacked a couple of sub-atomic particles together at 9.999999999999999%recurring, the speed of light, these protons ,using the equation describing the relationship between mass and energy....E=MC2. The resultant energy release was meant to show conditions billionths of a second after the BIG BANG, the event wot caused us all to be here. Along with all the other stars, galaxies , planets, and the French. Who knows the sub-atomic particles could've been split into even more basic sub-sub-Atomic particles, which could've caused the creation of even more sub-sub-sub-Atomic particles, the basic building blocks of the universe and the whole of creation itself. Mind-boggling and as fantastic as it may seem ,there is an even greater mystery that needs to be solved.

This mystery,the creation of the political universe and the bacic building blockheads that it was formed from will be solved by the SMALL HARD-ON COLLIDER. This device will fire the most basic SUB-HUMAN particles, the political party leaders at each other at the mind numbing speed, much faster than the speed of light. The SPEED OF POLITICAL BLAME. Using the political equation E=MP2, showing the relationship between expenses and MP's pay, hopefully there should be some fascinating results. The sub-human particles could shatter into even more basic sub-sub human particles than MP's and party leaders ,hard as it is to believe. The political energy released could produce miniature black holes, commonly known as policies. These may form WORMHOLES to other dimensions .The political particles may worm, or crawl through the aptly named inter dimensional gateways. Eventually the political particle may explode into the nothingness of another empty dimension. It wouldnt be a Big Bang ,as any politician wherever he is, even a new dimension, would be canvassing for votes for the GENERAL ELECTION. So, possibly a universe could be formed from a BIG YAWN. The hot air and wasted energy radiated into the void by any bullshitting politician worth his salt would be more than enough to start the formation of stars, planets, galaxies ,a whole new universe with the same old politics.

LETS SHUTTLE CRAFT OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND FLY INTO SPACE WITH THE RUSSIANS!!!!...(Or...Eeeer!...Baikonur, ve haveski a problemski!)

Being a cartoonist ,i'm obviously financially well-off. And having the lovely Lynne running the banking system of the country(i must point out , its not the part thats nose- dived deep into the s**t, and your having to pay to dig out, but the good bank thats alright and the sun is still shining on.)...But between us ,gosh n' golly we're absolutly loaded, absolutly 'rolling in it(?)......So ,as a nice easter present she paid for me to be a 'SPACE TOURIST'. Great stuff, magical even ,until we tried to book a SPACE SHUTTLE on SPACE SHUTTLE RESERVATIONS.COM. It was then to my shock n' horror and severe dissapointment and disbelief i discovered that Americas first Irish ,Afro- President BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT Had cancelled the Space Shuttle programme. So, instead of a few days in Florida at Universal studios and Disneyland ,before going to CAPE CANAVERAL and blasting of into orbit on ATLANTIS....I would have to go to a desert in Russia. In the middle of this desolate nowhere land is a particually desolate piece of nowhere, where stands a particually delapodated ,slightly rusty looking heap of tanks ,pipes and scaffolding. This is BAIKONUR COSMODROME.Where the Russians launch their Soyuz space craft from. I was shown the craft which due to the fact theres no money, hasn't been updated since the 1960's.... I noticed scratched on the entry hatch ..Y. GAGARIN WOZ ERE '61.

Whereas, the Americans check n' treble check their craft right up until launch. The Russians walk around it; Whack it a few times with a hammer; Have a small religous blessing, then whack a few vodkas down...Apparently thats the only way they can get the crew on board.

Eventually we were on board and all of a sudden there was loud banging and thuds and high pressure steamvalves exploding. yes it was 'lift off'! The cockpit shook and rattled, i thought my teeth were going to crack into fragments, must remember not to spit them out if they do. The weightless bits of incisor and molar might bite somebodies eye out....International relations are tricky enough things to maintain. And an Eastern eye poked out by Western Capitalistic teeth n 'fillings could herald WORLD WAR 3. But suddenly the noise and shaking eased slightly. The Captain pointed his thumb over his shoulder and one of the crew shovelled some more coal into the boiler to give the ship a little more thrust to push us into orbit.

As we floated about the cockpit(clang..My head).....I peered through the mucky window with sqashed flies plastered across it and could just about see the Earth. (clang....My Knee!).......Eventually we approached the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.... It looked like a model of the brass bedstead in BEDKNOBS N' BROOMSTICKS' made from metal toilet roll holders....The design consultant could've been VALERIE SINGLETON during her BLUE PETER days which were round about when the Russian space fleet was designed. As i looked up(clang...my head)..At the docking tunnel i could see scrapes, dints and dents all around it. The captain laughed "Ah pilot has too much of the wodka,da!". I've a week on board this tubular contraption floating around (clang, clang, clang clang.....head, knee, elbow....etc,etc,etc.) Working out how to force space food into my mouth and then trying to figure out how to get rid of it from the other end...

I couldnt wait to finally float down towards the cool blue waters of the Pacific ocean under a canopy of parachutes. Until it was explained to me that the Russians specialised in HARD LANDINGS....Landing in the middle of the desert. Just before make contact with the ground they fire booster rockets to slow the craft down to ease contact ,apparently it works quite well, sometimes......It was then that i noticed how strange tears look in weightless conditions as i burst out crying and begged somebody to pass the wodka!!!!!!

I'D'VE PREFERRED A FIRING SQUAD, BUT A HUNG PARLIMENT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA!

Oh let joy be unrestrained its been announced that in a months time we'll all race breathlessly down to church halls and schoolgyms all across the land to put a tick in a box to help decide which bunch of slimey shitheads are going to screw us up for the next bunch of years.A bunch of years which, will be much the same, if not seperated at birth as the last bunch of years . The new set of earnest ,yet sincere faces to most of us will seem exactly he same as the last lot. But to the expert perceptive eye The differences will be more than apparent. As most animal experts their specialist breed of animals do attain a character and personality of their own and become familiar over a period of time and keen observation ,say of apes in the rain forests. Politicians, they are a breed of creature. Instead of fur ,scales or rough hides , they have posh suits and quaffered hair. And it will take a perceptive eye to spot the differences.And a keen understanding to discern any personality ,your better off with the apes!...

.A hung parliaments ok ,but surely we can find a more diabolical way of making them suffer. Firing squads ,flame throwers , clubs with sharp bits sticking out ,pits of venomous snakes, Locked in a room with endless opposition party political broadcasts playing on a giant screen at deafening volume ,or just anything with Tony Blair speaking sincerly.

This piccie was another used by those nice people at HA!...They have a sharp eye for talent ,as ever have a look at the link on the right of the page, at the top it says HA! you can't miss it.

LIVERPOOL'S GOT WIND!

My old Irish grannie used to say people were "full of Piss n' wind!"....A very wise lady was my ol' granny! Being from the fair city of Liverpool many of my friends n' colleagues from all points north, south ,east n' west of that fine city have voiced similar sentiments. As most scousers do seem to be partial to the odd drink and have a lot to say for themselves .But this has never bothered me ,as most of the Fine folk that line the banks of the River Mersey ,being of Irish heritage we do like a drink and do like to talk and have a 'bit of a crack (no not the drug)'...So many scousers do like 'going on the piss' and a good drinker needs good wind,(to talk and pass) like a set of bagpipes needs to keep the bag inflated to keep playing. But it has come to pass its not the people of Liverpool that are full of wind ,but the city itself.
Apparently some smartarse clever people have worked out a way of extracting methane gas from the coal seams under the city, hugh chunks of the northwest , and out into the mersey bay and Irish sea. This will supply power to thousands of homes and industries,( or those that are left). And keep us going 'till we're overun with nuclear power stations..So this thousand millenia -old fart gas will undoubtably turn Liverpool into a miniature Texas, so there!
So if your with me one day on the piss and your smell a farty gaseous smell, it wasn't me it came out of the ground, under the cracks in the pavements of the backstreets of the fine city of Liverpool, so there!
I got all this from my blogging mate 'Thud',from his blog 'OVER THE WATER',which you can click on over on the link side of the page, he's linked into a newspaper article explaining it all. He's a clever lad....Now, he is full of P&w!!!!!...Only jokin' ,mate!