SUPER HEROES ,SUPER POWERS, SUPER SWINGERS AND SPANDEX UNDIES OUTSIDE THEIR TROUSERS????

 

I'm now sadly a middle aged ol' fart and my reading matter these days is reading comics on disc....I'm ploughing through decades of DC and MARVEL comics ,THE AVENGERS to AQUAMAN; SPIDERMAN TO SUPERMAN and THE X-MEN and the list goes on!....Sad and tragic?..Yes i know i've been told many times, butit keeps me happy ,so all you mature ,know it all friends and family.."Shut yer gob!"

The American idea that the world begins and ends at the borders of Manhatten and is filled to the gunnells with all kinds of super heroes ,good and diabollically evil, monsters ,alien races ,etc knocking 7 bells outta each other is fascinating. 

New York is the home of the skyscraper and is known as 'THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS!' Which is reasonable enough if you imagine yourself trying to sleep as THE INCREDIBLE HULK and GODZILLA are flattening skyscrapers ,THE X-MEN or THE AVENGERS are fighting mystic alien hordes at the bottom of your street most nights of the week.

The two main creators of our beloved SUPERHEROES are MARVEL and D.C. comics. Marvel tend to stick to 'Noo-YOIK!' while DC tend to have their 'heroes' in their home cities....BATMAN/GOTHAM ;   SUPERMAN/ METROPOLIS; THE GREEN ARROW/CENTRAL CITY; FLASH/STAR CITY. But the main thing is they are all based on 'THE BIG APPLE', the artists don't have to be too geographically or architecturally accurate, whereas Marvels may be able to take liberties, but only sometimes.

It amazes me how old some of these characters are ,most of the existed popular ones sold even today ,came about in the early 60's SPIDERMAN,THE X-MEN,FANTASTIC 4, etc and many DC guys n' super gals. But the biggies SUPERMAN, BATMAN, CAPTAIN AMERICA ,jeez!..They came out in the 30'-40's

DC were a bit more traditional and BATMANwas a masked detective ,but their superheroes tended to be from outer space. Whereas those whizz bang futuristic new boys at Marvel went for the exposure to radiation angle . In the MIGHTY MARVEL UNIVERSE if you were exposed to cosmic or gamma rays ,they always seemed to be the favourite forms of radiation at Marvel....Whereas you or me would be irradiated and suffer agonising illnesses and certain death they would be endowed with super powers.....Force beams from your eyes;Super strength ; Turn into the biggest ,greenest man in ripped trousers; Given the proportionate strength ,speed n' reflexes of a spider; Even fly; Turn into an elasticated stretchy man ,etc,etc.....

When i was a kid there was a few heroes without super powers ,to which i would groan with bored disgust. But one of the all-time classic comic characters is BATMAN and he's a self trained super detective, and his history of stories and villians are known to all even those who dont read comics. So i bite my middle aged tongue and say some of these athletic non super heroes are great. They were often trained for years in lost temples in the himalayas or by lone masters living in the middle of nowhere....Theres nobody like that or mystic temples in Warrington so i don't s'pose i'll be a hero around here!

BATMAN is an interesting character and has been around with his trusty sidekick ROBIN since he was a small minor character in DETECTIVE COMICS no:27 then there was no looking back. He was made into a few American black n' white telly serials and on the radio. In the 1960's a television version starring ADAM WEST hit the tellys of our green n' pleasant land. Everybody of a certain age can still hum the dynamic theme tune and had a toy BATMOBILE as a kid! It was on over two nights ,always with a cliffhangar and a fight with the baddies along with graphic comic sound effects on screen like ...POW!..SOCK!...KERSMACK!...ZINGO!....

It was played totally camp with tongue firmly in cheek and it was wonderful. All kinds of celebrities wanted to appear as baddies or to make appearences in the legendary Batman and Robin walking with the aid of the BATARANG and BATROPE up the side of a skyscraper, celebrities would hang out of the window holding conversations with the 'DYNAMIC DUO!'...Great stuff!...The silliness and campness may have damaged the comics ,etc, but later the character became very grim and dark indeed in comic and in film beating the shit out of the nasty underworld of GOTHAM CITY swooping out of the darkness from his grapling hook and line the trusty batarang!


Various heroes can fly ,but the other mode beloved of those sad one who can't is 'swinging!....These swingers have a variety of shooting lines between skyscrapers and swooping between them or grabbing a flagpole as every skyscraper in the US has a handy flagpole. BATMAN has his Batarang and ropes all tucked up in his UTILITY BELT. The GREEN ARROW fires his bow n' arrow firing an arrow into a building wall and using them as a zip line. DAREDEVIL who was blinded by radioactive chemicals which enhanced his senses and gave him a form of radar sense he has what the yanks call a 'BILLY CLUB' but it has a line for all those flagpoles.

SPIDERMAN'S alter-ego was a scientific genius PETER PARKER who created this incredibly strong elasticated web fluid and web shooters to fire them at skyscrapers up the Avenue. I wondered did they ever shoot a bit too far so when they swang did they ever swing down too far and scrape their spandex drawers on the road tarmac or smack into a truck or a car!

The real daddy of the heroes is SUPERMAN, he is so powerful he can push planets out of orbit and fly into the core of the sun just to light a ciggie ,if ,god forbid he had bad habits like smoking. He could fire heat beams ,x rays ,telescopic rays from his eyes . He could freeze deserts with his breath , he was totally invulnerable . I wonder how he controlled that almost infinite strength ,if he shook your hand would you ever play the piano again? If him and his lady, LOIS LANE ever 'got to it!' how would she survive? I believe in the later comics Superman and WONDER WOMAN got together ,i'd imagine she could handle our man from KRYPTON.

SUPERMAN is the one who created all the od superhero cliches, the changing in the phonebox, the tearing the shirt oen to reveal his costume. Mobile phones have got rid of phoneboxes ,so our heroes have nowhere for the quick change to save the world ...So if the world isn't saved it's your fault for having a mobile texting all day n' night, while diabolical evil geniuses and super villians overun the planet.

Maybe public toilets can take the phone booth's place , but maybe  all those strange fellahs arrested in public toilets are superheroes trying to save the world....Maybe George Michael is a superhero and thats why he got arrested in so many!

SIR MACCA'S BACK HOME IN LIVEROOL AT LAST, GOOD ON YER 'R' KID!

Possibly the most famous man on the planet and he's a SCOUSER'!....Which seems perfectly reasonable to me.....MR /PAUL (SIR MACCA) McCARTNEY once of a poular little beat combo that went by the name of 'THE SILVER BEATLES' when they wore leather cloths and greased hair in the strip joints of the Reeperbaum in the naughty red lit streets of Hamburg where they played almost constantly and got the hang of playing this ROCK N' ROLL stuff. Coming back home playing around various clubs n' boozers sleeping in vans before getting a posh manager who smartened them up much to the orgasmic pleasure of the growing numbers of screaming female n' male fans as they played in a grotty little warehous in a grotty cobbled little back street ...THE CAVERN in MATTHEW STREET in the fair city of LIVERPOOL.

50-Very -odd years have passed and MATTHEW ST and the CAVERN is one of the worlds major tourist sites from a world still full of BEATLES(the SILVER was dropped) manic fans.....No other band in the world can claim to illicit the fervour displayed by so many of all ages at any time during or after their career any where or anytime on the planet. The old boozers where they drank are still there, some with 'the lads 'scribbles on the wall. THE GRAPES was right opposite the CAVERN, many bands ,THE WHO,THE STONES ,etc all dropped in for 'a few scoops!', to sit there is amazing ,the history of a time long gone ,i once spent an afternoon having a skinful and a gab with ALAN WILLIAMS the BEATLES first manager and BOB WOOLER the DJ of the CAVERN ,a fascinating ,drunken afternoon.....Much to my disgust theres a karioke there now instead of Macca n' Lennon swopping ideas.

As we all know JOHN LENNON and GEORGE HARRISON died tragically leaving RINGO STARR, whom gets a lot of stick ,maybe as he's not the rock drummer we are all accustomed to, but he was a skilled talented drummer who drummed on the finest songs ever recorded for the finest band ever ,so he can't be too bad. He's travelling the world with his 'BLUES BAND' telling how PAUL McCARTNEY actually did die all those years ago and was replaced by a look-alike BILLY SHEARS who is the guy we've really been listening to all these years. He's also the reason for the BEATLES bust up ,as LENNONdidn't get on too well with the imposter SHEARS!

But BILLY SHEARS or PAUL McCARTNEY, we'll call him Paul McCartney ,i think for ease! SIR MACCA, his official LIVERPOOL title ,cos the Queen invited him to 'er 'ouse!' for some 'sarnies' n' a bevy! Macca's always loved playing live and has never stopped ,way back to his WINGS days where this superstar ,bored, wanting to get back on the road ,jumped into a truck with his new band and literally turned up at collages and universities and offered"to play that night!"...Slightly gobsmacked student union staff ...."...Er go on then?" I will always love him for that!

He's beenhome this week. ,As my other hero ,MR PETE TOWNSHEND once described it "It's great to be back in the MERSEY MUD!".....Sir Macca was back in the MERSEY MUD. In the massive ECHO ARENA which now stands on what used to be the KINGS DOCK which is where i saw 'The Man' out in the open sunshine and it was a joy....I'll never forget 'LIVE AND LET DIE' i'd never seen it live with the fireworks and explosions...Wonderful!

All the reviews of his tour and the LIVERPOOL shows were all 5-stars, he even let a couple propose marriage on stage with him.....is that not a story to bore the arse of everybody for ....Well ever!

He told stories of 'the early days' and his Liverool days much to the joy of the Liverpool audience. I read of his trip from JOHN LENNON airport through SPEKEand GARSTON his and GEORGE HARRISON'S childhood home and stomping ground, all familiar sights as he drove into town, i'd say a few tears were shed.

You can't knock the fellah for lack of effort ,as he was up for over 3 hours and 38-40 songs were performed, thats not bad, boss !

Not bad 'r' kid! 

SEPP BLATTER THE HONEST ,PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW GODFATHER OF THE MAFIFA.....(Joke courtesy of my mate Graham (Hit man)Fowell...So don't blame me!)

                                                                         

                                                                          Over the years the so called beautiful game ,our main national sport ,soccer ,footy, whatever you want to call it has been the passion of many working class men all over our green n' pleasant land. In the old days ,i remember the 60's up until the 80's the game was watched by fellahs who paid a respectable price for a match ticket and had a couple of pints and a pie at the ground and pee'ed in the pocket of the poor sod in front who was probably crushed up against the crash barriers that kept the crowd fairly stable and he was probably peeing in the pocket of the fellah in front of the barrier who was under no pressure and was lounging comfortably against it puffing away on his ciggie. The players were ,in those days not particually well paid and used to have testemonial games towards the end of their carreers to help start a business ,or run a pub ,or something in their 'retirement' years as their late 30's drew close. Players didn't move around that much and a side could have virtually the same squad for ten years ,or so. I remember the evolution of the great 60's LIVERPOOL side into slowly into the great 70's LIVERPOOL side, then a slight press 'on the gas' and the slightly faster evolution into the great 80's LIVERPOOL side. After that you had to have a photographic memory to keep up with the players coming and going and computer like grasp of mathmatics to keep up with transfer fees and with the introduction of agents wages soared and ,despite what they said about being true to their club and giving younger players a chance and facing new challanges ,etc,etc, it was money ,pure and simple.

On the international scene players played for the honour of playing for their country, look at the heroes of 1966, the great players, none of them refused to play in case it interferred with their clubs league ambitions, etc. There was a purity and schoolboy honesty and naivety which has all but gone now.

No doubt naughty dealings, etc have always gone on through the years, but these days ,well ,'WOW!' As i said the players are all ridiculously paid club hopping foreigners in grounds full of corporate booths full of canopies and 'champers for company clients and celebrities, the grounds have expanded ,all seated to drag ridiculous numbers of fans who's dedication which has often reached back for generations binds them to 'their' club and is how the clubs screw these 'true fans blind' with the ridiculous prices of match tickets week in and week out. The whole thing stinks.

The international scene is run by a proud noble organisation called FIFA they make the decisions and organise international competitions like that little tournament called THE WORLD CUP. Only a few years ago all the prospective countries put in their bid to host the next world cup. Apparently the U.K. put in a really good bid and was a tip top favourite to host the tournament, but were unceremoniously kicked out of the 'offing' and forgotten .It went to a place Quataar ,(i think)....A lovely place in the middle of the desert where even in the depths of winter temperatures are close to the boiling point of  water. Nobody could believe it and accusations of corruption,bribes and general naughty doings being afoot were hurled around. They said they'd play it around Christmas time as its cool ,the fact that it is also the middle of most northern hemispheres season wasn't really mentioned. The other country to get a World cup is Russia ,where even in the middle of summer it's cold enough to freeze nitrogen.

Everybody in the world thinks FIFA is rotten and the guy who runs it ,an obnoxious little turd by the name of SEPP BLATTER who hates the BRITS with a vengeance is the man who makes the decisions for this rotten sporting MAFIFA!.....Any doubts were shattered in the week by the F.B.I. busting the men at the top for corruption ,fraud, bribery ,etc of magnificently ridiculous proportions over the last 3-4 decades....Thats a lot of kickbacks ,nothing has been levelled at BLATTER, but you cannot run an organisation this rotten and not notice a few little discrepencies as you travel the world in untold luxury with ridiculously rich and 'connected' people.

He's been voted back in ,Russia, PUTIN and the RUSSIAN MAFIA like him and the African states love him, but them goverments wouldn't know anything about corruption n' stuff would they? But SEPP BLATTER is back to sort out this terrible situation .....Hmmmm?

IF YOU HAD THE CHOICE WOULD YOU SHAKE THE HAND OR THE THROAT OF SOMEONE INVOLVED IN BLOWING A RELATIVE TO SMITHEREENS?

Yesterday ol' PRINCE CHARLIE went over to IRELAND and quoting an Irish news paper journalist and editor, GERRY ADAMS  who ,apparently is always on the hunt for a photo oppertunity and "would upstage the bride at her wedding"given half a chance, decided he would show up and  instigate the most famous handshake in recent history. I don't know if that was the plan all along ,or just 'happened' ...... As we all know the leader of SINN FEIN ,who as we all know had absolutly nothing at all to do with the I.R.A. during 'DE TRUBLES!!'......The horrendous years from the late 60's up until relatively recently, in fact some still think the good fight still, if not rages ,smoulders on. Adams met with CHARLES who was over to see the site where his favourite relative ,mentor and godfather ,LORD MOUNTBATTEN was blown to smithereens by an IRA bomb on his fishing boat one sunny afternoon in the late 70's. And on that same tragic day a pile of men of the parachute battalion were killed.

So the man who 'had nothing to do with any of this !'....Met the still grieving relative and he is also the colonel in cheif of the para's ,so it was a double whammy for CHARLES . So if Charles had shook Adams by the throat who'd've blamed him. 

I'm not particually a ROYALIST, but i do like and admire the ROYAL FAMILY and think we should be proud to have them. I like Charles ,he has his own mind and as he showed yesterday he has courage and strength.

I remember growing up during the 'Troubles' and the horrors that occurred on an almost daily basis. As my family are Irish i spent a lot of time over there and in as i got older and my beer intake grew with the size of my mouth got into rows and arguements with people about it. I saw a few army disposal robots blowing packages up on the streets of Liverpool, so it wasn't that far away.

Also found myself one day in an IRA rally as they took over a shop in O'CONNELL ST in central DUBLIN and i'm there with a new short haircut and an old BRITISH ARMY COMBAT JACKET!!!!....But i survived.

When the hunger striker BOBBY SANDS died i was in a village where the family hail from called COOTEHILL in the south and just slurping a pint in the sunshine (it does shine sometimes)  and i noticed two men in black ,mean looking and dropping into shops up and down the street ,they just looked odd. I later found out they were a couple of 'THE BOYS'..suggesting it might be a good idea to close up shop as a mark of respect on the day of the funeral.....It was reported how shops all over the south closed 'as a mark of respect!'....Thats as near as i wanted to get to any of 'the shit!'

Life seems to be relatively normal ,thankfully ,i can't pretend to understand all what went on and don't particually want to. People say "Give Ireland back to the Irish!?"....Seems to me they have it in the south, its up in the North where Loyalists and Republicans want totally opposite things and Britains stuck there basically, wether it likes it or not!

"WOKE UP THIS MORNIN'.....AND THE KING OF THE BLUES , B.B.KING WAS DEAD!"

Over the last few years i've got quite fond of 'DA BLOOS!' music......My love of 'THE BLUES' is, alas not shared by my beloved missus ,the LOVELY LYNNE..... she can't stand it. But i have to admit to a fondness indeed from early ROBERT JOHNSON, to  MUDDY WATERS to B.B.KING (gawd bless 'im!).....To HOWLING WOLF ,to BUDDY GUY and SEASICK STEVE, etc......

I got to like it when i heard the gravel voice and gravelly chuckling of JOHN LEE HOOKER when he apeared on an album by PETE TOWNSHEND...THE IRON MAN based on the poem by TED HUGHES. So i got an album and enjoyed a few compilations ,preferring the so called 'ELECTRIC BLUES', but still like the harmonica and 'traditional' stuff. I currently am spellbound by BUDDY GUY, his blistering guitar stuff with a beautiful powerful voice which reminds me a little of TOM JONES which i mean as a compliment.

The giants of the blues crossing the old days through to modern times are possibly MUDDY WATERS  and B.B. KING, these ol fellahs showed the rock stars from the 60's on 'till now 'how it's done!'Everything from pop music to hard rock ,heavy metal and prog rock all spawned from the blues and these 'ol fellahs', who started in huts in cotton plantations in places like Mississippi ,and had a real bad time of it and armed with an old guitar played for buttons in clubs, bars, speakeasies,brothels ,etc constantly playing the soundtrack to America's 20th century, eventually getting the recognition the wholly deserved and Playing trendy places like GLASTONBURY and wowing the crowds and the cool groovy ,pain in the arse Radio 1 DJ's.

B.B.KING died the other day. The man used to play hundreds of gigs every year and never really left 'the road'....It was also said ,and admitted by himself that he couldn't play the guitar properly, he reckoned his skill was because he always played out of tune . I couldnt tell you ,but it sounded good to me.

The masters and true artists are diminishing as time wears on , but not to worry i'm sure the next king of the blues will be found on the X-FACTOR.

NEVER CRACK YOUR KNUCKLES WHEN PEOPLE ARE DOING STRETCHING EXCERCISES!

 Years and years ago in the 1970's i started KARATE training.....When you went into the school gymn we would immediatly start warming up excercises which included a variety of stretching excercises. These consisted of spreading and bending the legs and hips in a variety of cringe forming positions of a totally unatural positions and then once you'd forced yourself into this god awful ,painful position , you then started bouncing to force yourself further into the position to pull the ligaments and tendons. And to add to the fun and twanging tendons ,clicking knees and hips we would have a fun-packed time as partners would press you down into the splits leaning on your shoulders or as you lent against a wall with your leg in the air in front or to the side, they would put their shoulder under and push them further up.....Oh happy days!

I was always able to kick to head height insofar as i'm physically a short arse , with short stubby legs. Many of my fellow Karatekas were able to do the splits and the longer limbed had amazing kicking abilities, but to this day i still cannot do the splits, but could deliver a hefty boot within the limits of my god-taken limited reach.

The funny thing was before i did any training i had to do this 10-20 minute warm up, but when i walked about my hips often felt quite stiff. But the fun started with my knees. Whenever i knelt down my knees used to click horrendously.......I remember looking at the magazines in a branch of W.H.SMITHS.....I wasn't looking at the high level mags, but the comics at the bottom.....I knelt down and this 'K-K-KRACK!!!!' as my knees cracked horribly!.......Everybody in the shop went into a hyper-cringe mode, they looked at me with horror and wondered how a young fit looking teenager could be racked with arthritis and rheumatism!....I shruggled and smiled with a slight touch of embarressment and left the shop.

The funny thing is that when i went to live in India i was introduced to TAI-CHI by SENSEI SUBRAMANYAN. This introduction shaped my KARATE and changed my life as after a few years i'd learnt a lot from the slow relaxed movement of the TAI-CHI and the great MASTER KANAZAWA one of the true masters whom i had the pleasure of meeting on a couple of occassions and he'd studied TAI-CHI with his KARATE for many years and introduced me to the benefits of relaxed movement with proper breathing. A TAI-CHI sifu, MR WONG in KUALUR LUMPUR explained breathing to me and when we stretched instead of the tendon twanging ligament tugging bouncing stuff we would adopt a position and gently stretch using deep breathing.

When i came home and wasn't able to train at various clubs due to transport difficulties i started traing in my Karate moves and techniques in a slow relaxed Tai-Chi way ,concenterating on breathing . When i trained in a club i just did as i was told and would punch and kick with full power ,grunting and yelling like you'd expect. But the time by myself  i suddenly began to understand stuff i'd taken for granted for all my life, why did i have to do this or that , when i did this or that?.....But now i'm nearly 55 , i'm faster and more powerful and more supple than i've ever been ....No cracking, clicking joints.

Slower is faster....Gentler is stronger....The mystical internal energy ,CHI, if you like is all in the breathing, it all hinges on the breathing.....Just stop breathing for 10 minutes and see how you feel!

THIS SPORTING LAND.....????.....SPORT IS A WAY FOR PSYCHOTIC NUTTERS TO ENJOY THEMSELVES!!!!

 THE SLIDE TACKLE !

When you think of sport you mainly think of the three sporting staples for your average
Englishman....Football!....Or "SARKER!" as our beloved cousins across the pond like to call it. They have their own FOOTBALL where the dress up like the cast of IRON MAN 3 and play ,being Americans too the micro second as measured on an atomic clock in the super stadium, so when they tackle each other and it looks looks and sounds like them massive police car pile ups from the car chases beloved by Hollywood in billions of  action films , every second is accounted for so it's possible that a score can be 'scored'(Converted/ touched down ??) in the last 0.0000235 of a second of  time. The good ol' British version of FOOTBALL, properly spelt and pronounced "SOCCER!", or as civilised fans of 'The beautiful game in the fair city of Liverpool, where we have a number of decent teams would refer to it as,"DE FOOTY!" if your watching it ,say 'On the telly'...."Going to watch de footy, down the boozer!".....Or if your a bit more serious going "DE MATCH!" and occassionally a "DE GAME!"...As in "didj'ya see de game?"

          Our FOOTY is different to the Yanks Football as the nearest we have to their very odd idea of a game which is only played by them even though they think it's a globally loved game ,even though nobody on the planet has a clue what the fascination is with it and it is globally resented that the Americans call their big championship games things like 'THE WORLD SERIES????'.....We have a wonderful game called RUGBY where rough tough battered looking fellahs basically fill the pitch and amongst the mass of broken bodies is an oval ball which has to be retrieved by the opposing sides so the can run away to the far end of the pitch to score a try by putting the ball on the floor ,sounds simple ,but as is always the case theres about  between 14-16 big mean hefty looking monsters who dont agree with your intentions and want to stop you in the most painful bone shuddering ways they can. For a game that when you look at it is remarkably stupid in so far its a way of scoring points while keeping your skeletal system in roughly one piece, often unsuccessfully, the players are generally highly intelligent fellahs, admittedly the faces :scars, beaten eye brows ,broken noses and cauliflower ears may give them a slightly Prehistoric caveman look, but most have careers and basically are smart!....They say "Rugby is a game for hooligans played by gentlemen?"

               The 'Footy!' was once a 'mans game', the stuff of comic book heroes in 'TheVICTOR,the HOTSPUR, characters like 'ROY OF THE ROVERS!' decent proud and could hoof an old style leather caseball the length of the pitch and still burst the net at the other end!......In real life we had our 1966 world cup squad with BOBBY MOORES; GEOFF HURSTS; BOBBY CHARLTONS, ROGER HUNTS(One of Liverpools all time greats!)....They played in old leather boots ,in thick mud and went "They dun their foot in!" in a vicious tackle, which were allowed in them days all the had to get them up was an old trainer in a wooly bob-hat and a rusty bucket of freezing cold water with a freezing sponge to slap on the injury....Even broken legs didn't stop our heroes leaping to their feet rather than face the dreaded cold sponge. Nowadays the ball is plastic ,almost ballon like so when given a good whack with the new trendy pink or silver boots worn and promoted by all our new foreign players pushing 'Their ranges ' of clothing, scents and sporting goods, occassionally!...The ball goes sailing up into the stratoshere, so they have to side foot the ball, none of your 30 yard Bobby Charlton blasts with the instep , back in the days when games used to have scores of 6,7 or8 goals in a game when it was slower, but enabled superb talents to dribble in the box, No GEORGE BESTS, KEVIN KEEGANS, ROGER HUNTS, ETC, ETC now as the game is too fast, and its against the rules to tackle!!???....Players do their own stunts and dives and fall and fall flat if they get a dirty look , Nobody "oes their foot in!",anymore ,they all amage tarsals n' meta tarsels,  Groins get a lot of grief, but thats probably nothing to do with the 'Footy' or training ,its out spending their £5000000000/week wages in the best places , you wont see 'the advertising hoardings who are our childrens heroes down the local 'boozer!'.....I hate it now ,i really do!, the say about the 'Footy'...."It's a game for gentlemen played by hooligans!"

                 I was never a fan of cricket and was terriffied on the few occassions i played ,once i got the ball in the face and once on my knee ,i've never felt pain like it i was sure i'd busted my leg. The game was the most vicious of the three as the idea was for the bowler to 'get the batsman out!' any way he could only armed with a rock hard cricket ball that he's trained for years to throw at amazing speeds with a variety of sneaky ,tricky spins and turns to make it impossible for the batsman to defend himself....The bowler gets the batsman in his sights and has a run up to add to his power and it is nothing more or less than to kill the target!......Than if he doesn't manage to do that , they go through it all again and so it goes on for days and weeks. When i lived in India i got interested in the Cricket as it's an obsession over there, the kids don't play 'Footy!' ,they play cricket on patches of wasteland ,or wherever they can.  I always wonder how some of the crowd dont get killed or seriously hurt ,when the batsman whacks the killer projectile out of the ground ,for a six!...A bit of cricketing parlance for you there....But the ball sails high into the crowd and it must ,on occassions smash into somebodies gob as they watch the game in fascination and go "OOOOOhhhhhh!" at the cracker of a shot thats "Jus' gotts be a 6!"....Leaving their teeth behind in the stadium, if it's not severe concussion.

DO ALL YOU OLD SCHOOLBOYS REMEMBER CONVERSATIONS THAT WENT LIKE THIS:"GOT!GOT!GOT!..NOT GOT!..GOT!..NOT GOT!"..Ad infinitum!

All schoolboys of a time long gone who are now middle aged ol' farts remember when they all collected 'CARDS!'....A collection of various heroes ,TARZAN,BATMAN,etc and various telly series ,'THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.'. etc Even tea had cards, in the packet 'P.G.TIPS used to regulary do it. In fact i still have 'THE RACE INTO SPACE' collection and album, as well as the 'SUN' newspaper's 3D football slbum with a wonderful RIGBY cartoon in it which i still have the remains of.

Every playground used to have groups of schoolboys huddled together as one of them with the cards flicking through them like an old western card shark, like Doc Halliday playing poker in Dodge City. The other lads peering 'goggle-eyed' at the collection whizzing past their eyes, but the main thing was the mode of communication was the thing that everybody remembers. This was brought back to me by way of   an advert for something on the radio and some kid was doing this ,which brought these wonderful memories tumbling back and had me laughing like an idiot on and off throughout the day!

Remember the cards came out and the lightening shuffle started ,but you kept up with ease telling which you had and didn't have ,so you could 'DO SWOPSIES!'....It was simply......"got! got! got!got!..not got!...not got! got!got!got!got!got!   not got! got!got!got!  not got!..not got!..not got!..not got!got! got!got!got!got!..not got!got!got!got!got!got!got!got!got...Not got!...got!..not got!..Not got!..not got!...not got!..got!got!got!..not got!..got!got!got!got!got!got!..not got!got!got!...not got!  got!..not got!..got!got!got!got!...not got!..not got!..not got!  got!got!got!got!not got!  got! got! got!got!got!  not got!got!.......And on it goes,or went, the excitment of this business transaction was palpable, Scabby sweaty, snotty schoolboys were bad enough, but scabby,sweaty,snotty,highly excited school boys were even worse...Ah happy days weren't we sad n' simple with our cards n' comics!

WOMEN SHOULD WEIGH THEMSELVES WHEN A GIANT ASTEROID IS FLYING PAST THE EARTH !

As every man on gods planet knows the lady in his life is always getting fat,putting on weight and weighing too much and has to lose a bit of excess baggage. There's no point argueing although you are expected to, if you disagree your talking absolute rubbish and don't have a clue what your talking about. God forbid if you agree your in dead trouble, my son!... So you can't win. The carpets around the house depending where they are show a little bit of wear and tear as they are constantly getting stood on. There is another really badly battered 12 inch by 12 inch patch that suffers from constant standing upon and that is the top of the bathroom scales in the bathroom. This is  where the love of your life peers intently studying the number of pounds or grams on the scales dial like a scientific experiment check of results to determine the difference from the last time they stood on the device only to normally have their heart broken and ego destroyed.

The Earth is a massive lump of rock and as Mr EINSTEIN told us massive objects have a suction pulling us in called GRAVITY. The planet is relatively circular and a womans weight would be roughly the same anywhere on the planet. But imagine if there was fluctuations in the GRAVITATIONAL FIELD ....If there was a country where the field was weaker and women weighed a lot less that place would be the most popular place for women to visit .....Due to this reason, the influx of weight concious women flooding this 'place '..There tourist trade would go through the roof, with the ladies and a few less weight concious blokes might find their way there for their own odious schemes and reasons involing the ladies. The other booming industry for this part of the world would be for BATHROOM SCALES...The ladies wouldn't be able to spend enough time on them.

On the odd ocassion a giant spinning lump of rock called an asteroid comes barrelling through the vacumn of space and skims by our beloved home planet. The asteroids are nowhere the size of the Earth , but a fair size and the odd collision through history has caused a mighty 'thwack' on the planet. One when the Earth was forming Hit the Earth and knocked a chunk out which formed our moon. Another destroyed most of the life on the planet ,mainly the dinosaurs. In the early 19th century an exploding asteroid flattened 500 square miles of trees in a huge forest in a region called TANGUSKA in Russia. Thankfully the destruction caused by this space debris seems to be falling ferocity and devastation ,in fact the effect of the next could benothing more than a slight effect on bathroom scales around the world!

As the asteroids pass as one did only the other day, it must interfere with the Earths Gravitational field, weakening it slightly....So if in the bathroom the drops from the taps seem to drip slower or the edge of the bog paper doesnt hang down vertically or is horizontally level or even drifting verticlly up these are signs of fluctuations in the gravitational field. So as the asteroid flies over your housing estate get on the bathroom scales and hopefully this force from space will have the weighing pointer dropping to the safe welcoming left side of the dial so a few pounds are lost due to these cosmic forces from millions of light years away, so for a while your excess weight is 'LOST IN SPACE!'.

You dont have to hold your tummy in waiting for another asteroid to come tumbling from the KYPER BELT on the outer fringes of the solar system intowards us in the cosy sun-kissed centre, we have our beloved moon which as it also pulls on the Earth it pulls the oceans up towards it ,thats what causes the tides....If the Moon can pull the Pacific Ocean up towards itself it can pull a few pounds off your bathroom scales.

TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL YOU MUST LIVE EVERY NIGHT SITTING FLICKING THROUGH THE SHIT ON THE TELLY CHANNELS AS IF IT WAS YOUR LAST!

                                                                              To live life to the full you must live every evening flicking through the shit on the endless telly channels as your last!
       My missus the 'Lovely Lynne' works down in Birmingham all week and comes home at the weekend and quite often plays with the MANCHESTER SKA FOUNDATION band out and about,which she enjoys greatly, they are a popular bunch and have quite a following and are getting a lot of 'gig' work. The longest we spend together is going shopping at ASDA on a Sunday afternoon.

The Big 'Little 'un' is normally like every kid her age in another room ,texting away on phones or lap tops or ear phoned up so anything short of a nuclear explosion  wouldn't have a cat in hells chance of attracting her attention.

Me n' the dog have the living room to ourselves and the universe of choice that SKY telly has to offer....A mass of channels with absolutly nothing on,except some real shite. Now our telly has all the mod cons so i can record shite ;I can get shite ,on demand: I can buy or rent shite.

I 've even started reading again, normally it was just in bed ,but now in the evening , I feel like Ken Barlow on 'Corrie' as he is always sat reading a 'tome'.....I'm also ploughing through a heap of comics i have on disc...Marvel and DC ,but old stuff like TV21; VALIAN; LION;VICTOR and a heap of stuff  which have brought the schoolboy back out of this 54 year old fart and thats fine by me!

Me n' the dog sit together and discuss the affairs of the day ,i am getting worried as he's starting to make sense ,in fact more sense than me!

   

WHO SAYS DALEKS AREN'T 'FUNKY'...THE SKA-LEKS FROM SKA-RO CAN EXTERMINATE AND SKANK!

A wee while before the extreme excesses of the festive season kicked in proper i accompanied my missus 'The Lovely Lynne' to a very strange boozer in Oldham in manchester to see her and the rest of the hooligans and nutters that comprise the MANCHESTER SKA FOUNDATION play a 'gig'...The pub was called a very un-pub like name...AREA 51. Which as any UFO /X-FILES buff will know is where the yanks keep all the crashed alien space ships and flying saucers as well as their alien crew members who graciously help our transatlantic cuzn's to develop weapons based on alien technology. Whereas the real AREA 51 is in the middle of the desert, our AREA 51 was down a cobbled side street round the corner from some kebab and fried chicken shops which i wouldn't have been too suprised to discover had their origins in some dead alien crew members, i'm not too well up on how many alien ships make the journey across billions of light years to land in that region, but looking at a few of the people ....Quite a few!

THE MANCHESTER SKA FOUNDATION are a really good Ska cover band ,(MADNESS, THE SPECIALS,etc) and have a really good following who do follow them around quite big distances . I've gotten to know quite a few of them ,all lovely people, but totally nuts!...I looked to the side and there was a full size DOCTOR WHO'S T.A.R.D.I.S. I thought, "My the bands reputation is spreading!" I mean the good Doctor has Gasped n' Wheezed his way through time and space to get to a little back street gig.

Even more incredulous, alongside was a real genuine DALEK...It's true music can bring people together ,even eccentric time lords and gooey slimey globules with a sore throat and lousy singing voice that live inside giant pepper pots.

But the love of music didn't end there ,as alongside was a real CYBERMAN standing placidly by his worstest enemies in the whole galaxy

It didn't end there as alongside them minding his own buisness was 'ROBBY THE ROBOT' from 'LOST IN SPACE'.....He'd found his way through space ,but was lost in Oldham, don't ask me which is better or worse.  Oldham and the AREA 51 started to pale as it proved absolutly impossible to get served at the bar. Our interstellar Ska-Fans mustn't be drinkers as they placidly stood and listened to the 'gig', meanwhile there was almost mass 'Exterminations!' at the bar as people were trying and failing miserably to get served.

Although the T.A.R.D.I.S. was there, there was no sign of the DOCTOR. I think he was inside sulking....He'd travelled through billions of years , billions of light years and couldn't even get a bloody pint of GUINNESS at the end !

JUST A NORMAL THURSDAY MORNING FOR ME AND THE DUKE OF KENT

Aainst all the odds and with an extreme, for me physical and mental strain  i awoke with the alarm clock, which has been quiet and unused for quite a while now, until yesterday when at the ungodly hour of 7AM the not so dulcet tones of that pain in the arse, CHRIS EVANS awoke me from my slumbers. With lightening reflexes, well for that time in the morning , with a single bound i leapt from the bed and headed for the toilet, shower and razor to begin the '3S's'. Well it was the least i could do, i mean i was going to meet royalty, wasn't i?....Yep i wuz!

Recently i started going along to an art studio in an old community centre in Warrington centre, just to meet a few eople and the guy who runs it, a nutter called MORRIS RILEY might teach me a little oil painting. The olod building was due to be demolished by the council, to be replaced by 'YUPPIE FLATS!!!!!'.....Yep more 'effin' 'yuppie flats ,just what every local community desperatly needs.....What in gods name would they need a community centre for when they can have yuppie flats?....Or would it be something to do with the property developers? Now c'mon, Tim, the ol' cynic in you is coming out!

A very strange thing then seems to have happened. The local people who nobody would normally listen too, esspecially the council who faithfully (?) serve them......Actually listened to them. They asked for their community centre and were given it! But if it didn't 'work' it was going to be demolished as originally planned. So they went ahead and got the place going and gawd bless'em the place is' bouncing' with all kinds of activities, and only gone and won some royal award!

It was for this reason that i was walking up a wet grimey street at 8.30AM and the street looked suspiciously quite, totally empty. I walked in and a few people were around, but piles of police, bomb squad, sniffer dogs who weren't that interested in exposives as the new canteen, which was being opened by the mayor this day was cooking a buffet of all kinds and the dogs were more interested in sarnies then semptex!

I  headed for the kettle and started my umpteenth attempt at a DANIEL CRAIG caricature, originally attempting an acrylic picture,but decided to ink over the paint, and a black and white ink drawing of 'our glorious leader'DAVID CAMEROONE.....We also stuck a few cartoons on the wall, Morris esspecially wanted the caricature of the Queen rocking and rolling from the concerts of her Diamond jubillee. He reckoned we'd get done for high treason when the DUKE OF KENT saw it, and come Friday morning we'd be chained to a dungeon wall in the'Tower' nibbling bread and water......And i'd loose my knighthood!

 

                                                                                  So eventually the DUKE OF KENT came around and we shook hands and had a little chat, my daniel craig got the royal seal of approval. I pointed out the DAVID CAMEROONE, referring to him as"Our glorious leader!"....With a wicked touch of humour in his eyes he gave a long "HMMMMMMMMM?"...I believe "Our glorious leader" isn't too highly thought of  in the hallways of  'Buck-House'!!

He seemed a nice bloke and spent a lot of time talking to the 'people', he didn't want ,press,councillors, politicians, mayors, etc,etc, they came later to open the canteen and guzzle the'bucks fizz, which we were happy to help with.

Quiet
 day today.....Meeting the pope!

THEY MIGHT'VE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AFTER ALL THE MURDER ,CANNIBILISM ,PAEDAPHILIA, AND PURE UNADULTERATED SLAUGHTER!!!!!

Ahhh aren't they lovely all those fairy stories ,a few evil witches ,a ton of handsome princes ,fairy godmothers ,love n' stuff and all off to live happily ever after. I mean they're so lovely Walt Disney made cartoon films out of them. But there is another darker side to the world of fairy tales, follow your Fairy(watch it!) God -Tim and i shall show you a world of fairies that you wont forget in a hurry.
       Most of the famous stories have been rewritten through history and the original endings changed, mainly to the boring 'pain in the arse' ,'Happy ever after' endings . you 'd be stunned to find out how many of the heroes in the tales get murdered ,poisioned ,chopped up or eaten.
        Take the story of Hansel and Gretel. They lived in a cottage by a wood with their dad and step mother. Thats another thing all the families are step sisters ,mothers ,etc ,so they can be evil and nasty with a clear concience. Their step mother decides the kids are eating too much and they can't afford to keep them so she nags their loving dad ,who ,in the end agrees to dump them deep in the woods where they'd get lost and eaten by wolves ,or just get lost. The kids hear this scheming and collect a pile of white stones to make a track to find their way home, which much to mum's disgust they manage. After a breif respite the operation is rerprieved and off they go again,but using bread crumbs which fails miserably as the birds eat the bread crumbs so the kids are truly lost.
            As everybody knows forests are full of evil old witches who live in gingerbread houses, made of cake and sweets with windows of clear sugar. I'm not sure what attracted them to the roof ,but they were caught eating the roof of the cottage by the blind wicked old witch who lived there. She decided she'd make a slave out of Gretel and bung Hansel in a cage and fatten him up so she could eat him. So as Gretel was beaten into slave labour ,Hansel was stuffing his face, but by picking up a finger bone from the previous dinner who occupied the cage he fooled the witch into thinking he was still skinny, so he was given a bit of breathing space before being bunged into the oven. But the witch decided Gretel'd do as a nice snack and to rub it in made Gretel heat the stove up before getting in herself, the witch grew impatient and went to see if the stove was hot enough when Gretel shoved her in and the witch was cooked in her own stove. The two kids found vases full of treasure ,as every witches castle and ogres castle, etc is full to the gunnells of treasure. They went home ,found their lonely dad ,as their step mum had disappeared and dad didn't have an explanation where she was ,which does seem strange and somewhat suspicious, but with the nicked treasure they all lived .....Yep! You guessed it!

         Cinderella was a victim of vicious step sisters, and ugly step sisters who kicked her shapely arse on a regular basis as the treated her as a slave and dressed her in rags, but they were a bit jealous as Cinders was a tasty bit of stuff much to their disgust. It came to pass that there was a big ball at the princes palace down the road, not the local boozer ,but an actual princes palace and Cinders 's ugly step sisters went ,but wouldn't let Cinders, but like any woman ,she couldn't've gone "as she didn't a thing to wear!". But like any good looked bedraggled neglected slave labourer she had her own Fairy Godmother who appeared, waved her magic wand ,informing Cinders,"You shall go to the ball!" A little bit more wand waving and funny things started to happen. A pumpkin turned into a golden carriage; A couple of mice turned into horses; A rat turned into a coachman; A lizard into a footman....I cant help thinking she couldn't have been much good at cleaning around the house ,as it was full of rats,mice, lizards?....Then , the rags were changed to a gown and a pair of glass slippers were put on her feet. I cant help thinking glass slippers?...A little dangerous ,break them and severed.
 arteries around the feet and ankles .
     
                The main condition the Fairy Godmother stipulated was for her to be the bell of the ball and to 'leg it by midnight!', which she just about did leaving the freshly besotted prince with one glass slipper as she 'legged it' a little awkwardly wit only one slipper on. The besotted love sick prince went to every girl in the kingdom to see if the slipper fitted anyone ,funnily enough it fitted only one bedraggled girl, so they got married ,Cinders forgave her family and ,Yep!, you guessed it ...They all did!

                Then ,lest we forget the gorgeous Snow White. We know she was gorgeous 'cos the queen who was fairly tasty herself and knew it and liked to be reminded of it by way of a magic mirror. She'd say, according to the Disney film,"Mirror ,mirror on the wall ,who's the prettiest of them all?"or something like that .The mirror always replied in total agreement ,until one day it said the queen was beautiful ,but not a patch on Snow White ,who'd obviously blossomed into girlyhood. She sent one of her men to dump her in the forest again ,but to bring her lungs and heart back to show she was dead. The fellah couldn't do it and brought a wild boars lungs, etc back ,which would've worked if the magic mirror hadn't 'grassed him up!'
                   Snow White stumbled across the home of the Seven dwarves who let the most beautiful creature in the land stay with them if she cleaned and cooked n' stuff for them.....Hey there lads ,them dwarves ,aren't they? The queen still wasn't going to give up getting rid of the competition, she tracked her down withthat grass of a magic mirror and tied a really tight laced bodice onto to suffocate her. The dwarves found her ,watched for a while, i mean a tight bodice on the most beautiful creature in the land? They probably took a few pictures then drew lots to see who'd take it off. The queen got more and more 'pissed off' as her attempts to kill Snow White failed ,poisoned combs, poisoned apples,removed by a handsome prince who married Snow White and invited the queen to the wedding and put her feet into red hot metal shoes which were so hot she had to dance until she died!....She didn't live happily ever after ,but i'll give you a guess who did.

                   There was Jack who lived with his mum and an ex-milking cow. Jack took the cow to sell at market ,but was sidetracked by an old fellah who offered him some seeds for the cow which Jack took ,his mam went mad and sent him to bed, flingig the seeds out of the window .The following morning a giant beanstalk stood reaching into the clouds. Jack thought for some reason "I know i'll climb to the top of that giant beanstalk which he promptly did. When he got to the top he saw the oddest thing ,a giants castle at 30,000 feet. He knocked on the door and Mrs Giant answered and invited him in and hid him from the Giant of the house who ,apparently didn't like "...The blood of an Englishman!" Jack thanked Mrs Giants kindness by nicking abag of gold and 'legging it. But the next night he nicked a goose that layed golden eggs. The following night he 'half-inched' a harp that played itself which woke the giant who chased Jack down the stalk, Jack got an axe and toppled the beanstalk and the giant was splattered over Englands green and blood red splattered pleasant land, Jack and his mum ,i dont know if they were happy ,ever after , i don't know if they like harp music. And theres Mrs Giant Widow ,nobody gave her a thought.

                       Witches abound demanding the babies off expectant mothers .Rapunzel was taken and imprisioned in a tower and her only visitor was the evil witch who would climb her hair which was as long as the tower. One day a handsome prince heard her singing and saw the witch getting up the tower ,thinking ,she's a bit of alright i'll try thaat and charmed his way up Rapunzels golden locks and something else ,apparently as the witch soon noticed her dress seemed tight and realised she was pregnant, cut her hair off and threw her out of the tower , threw the prince out who was blinded in the bushes ,but eventually after wandering blindly through that wood he heard Rapunzel singing to her new twin kids and she cured his blindness she may have looked like Sinead O'Connor for a while ,but 'TALHEA!

                   Little red riding hood , on her way to her grannies was overtaken by a very smart evil wolf who went to grannies pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood and senile ol' Granny fell for it and let him in ,whereupon he swallowed her whole. Dressing up as Granny the wolf got into bed and pulled the same scam on Little Red Riding Hood, who not having senility as a valid excuse fell for it after noting Granny seemed to have a ;Deep voice ;Big eyes and big hands. Whicch combined to make it better to welcome her wit ;See her with and hug her with......Then he swallowed her! A tree cutter passing saw this marched in ,split the wolf open and out came a slighty gastric juice soaked Granny and grandaughter who all lived....Ohhh you know!

                      All good blood and gore ....Theres the pied piper of Hamlin who was contracted by the town mayor to get rid of a plague of rats ,which he duly did ,drowning them in a local stream. But they wouldn't pay him ,a situation as any good cartoonist can relate to,so he leads all the towns children away ,never to be seen again ,the story is oen ended ,did he kill them ,or have his 'evil way' ,definitly no happy ending in that one!

MUSIC ,LOUD N' TWANGY !....WITH DISTORTION ,FEEDBACK AND JUMPING AROUND!!!!!

When i were 'nobbut a lad' in the 'swinging 60's'( much as it pains me to admit it!)....Music to me was the theme tunes to classics on the telly like; 'SUPERCAR', FIREBALL XL5, STINGRAY and later 'THUNDERBIRDS. And lest we forget DOCTOR WHO and another personal favourite of mine was 'GARRISONS GORILLA'S! The joys of MERSEYBEAT were lost to me ,except for the CILLA BLACK show and for some very strange unexplainable reason i fancied the pre nose job Cilla something rotten . Even more inexplicably i enjoyed and still do enjoy some of her major hits. The other one i liked was PETULA CLARKE....She had the voice of an angel and when i heard 'DOWNTOWN' i loved it and couldn't stop whistling it. Even today ,even typing about it ,i'm whistling the damn tune. We went to see her last year in Manchester and she was still good and i was whistling that damn tune for weeks. The funny thing was when i mentioned it to anyone a few minutes later they'd be humming or singing it. Without doubt it is the most infectious pop song ever!....Don't listen to it without ear muffs and a bio defence suit on!

Years later i'd watch bands in pubs ,even old cellars in dingy back streets in the fair city of Liverpool which gave me an idea of how it was in a variety of pubs ,clubs and dingy cellars in those days where in that fine city the biggest music explosion took place and the world is still shaking now! A whole heap of our own local lads inspired by BILL HALEY, ELVIS and LONNIE DONEGHAN and his home made 'SKIFFLE' band made their own bands and started playing something called 'ROCK N' ROLL' clad in leather and brycreem'ed hair they played bloody awful stuff wherever they could. A similar sister port to LIVERPOOL was the naughty red lights of HAMBURG where a lot of the bands served an apprenticeship playing all day and night in various strip joints. One group of four greasy leather clad rockers who hit Hamburg and came home to tell the tale and got quite a following in their home town was 'THE SILVER BEATLES', soon shortened to 'THE BEATLES.'....They started playing in a dingy cellar called the 'CAVERN' in a dingy back street that now inspires billions of tourists to visit called 'MATTHEW STREET!' The walls would drip with sweat and the toilets would overflow and it was an absolute shit'ole that people would queue for hours to get into and scream their lungs out worshipping these heroes. Bands from all over played at the Cavern ; THE ROLLING STONES; THE WHO and anyone you want to mention. Directly opposite the Cavern is an old Liverpool pub called 'THE GRAPES'...Most of the famous rock stars from then and now drank in there , LENNON n' McCARTNEY wrote in there, but if you go in that musical holy of holies now ....It's a bloody KARIOKE BAR!

For some reason my first record was 'MORNING HAS BROKEN' by CAT STEVENS...Which i swopped for ALICE COOPER'S 'SCHOOLS OUT!' I had never bought an LP, as they were in those black n' white ,far flung vinyl days, so i'd never listened to the 'FAB FOUR' unless they were on the telly. But one day my dad came home with an 8-Track player bought from the biggest 'knocking shop' in the world FORDS, HALEWOOD! He had two 8-Track discs ,i can't remember one ,but the other had a great picture of an exploding pinball machine and it was by a band called 'THE WHO'!

That was me hooked....I played it to death and even bought 'THE BEATLES' and was pleasantly suprised. I didn't buy a lot of records ,etc ,but TOP OF THE POPS' Was onthe telly with 'THE OLD GREY WHISTLE TEST' with 'WHISPERING BOB HARRIS' for the serious rock music follower ,as opposed to the pain in the arse RADIO 1 D.J.s for pop fans, or 'pop-pickers!' all blathering like ,well caricature pop D.J.s that HARRY ENFIELD and PAUL WHITEHOUSE would take the piss out of. 

One thing worse than the D.J.s was the bands in the 70's n' 80's, when'GLAM ROCK!'kicked in, glitz n' glamour was the main thing, make up ,platform shoes ,remember 'THE SWEET'; SLADE; The tartan of 'THE BAY CITY ROLLERS'....(oh god!) . The good thing about them days was that the 'GIGS' were played in theatres like the EMPIRE in Liverpool, old victorian theatres, great for watching a band....I'd've loved to have seen THE WHO with KEITH MOON when they were at their peak in the Empire. Now they play in ARENAS ,massive places requiring the aid of huge videos to see the bands. You often have to stand at ground level ,even though ,nowadays its all seated ,some pains decide they have to stand so everybody has to stand. I remember seeing PAUL McCARTNEY at the KINGS DOCK in Liverpool and getting stuck behind some stupid bastard with his girlfriend waving her arms sitting on his shoulder. Whenever i see some silly cow sitting on her fellahs shoulder i imagine the 50 yards of people behind who want to rrip her head off ,because i've been there. There was a phase were people lit matches and held them up during the show. Then small cameras ,now telephones and now I-pads held aloft to block the sight of shortarses like myself!

Music is a matter of personal taste and its a case of whatever floats your boat!....I love guitar rock and my hero is PETE TOWNSHEND i can't take my eyes off him when he lets rip. JEFF BECK, DAVE GILMOUR, etc ,etc i've seen them ,all brilliant. The other day we were out having a drink and in THE CAVERN watched a local band and the lead singer was an absolutly blistering guitarist, brilliant! My missus ,the LOVELY LYNNE, plays trombone in a SKA BAND and they're great to watch and through Lynne who started in Brass bands and Swing orchestras ,etc has got me into that stuff and even a smattering of classical music.....Not too much tho'!....She's played on the stage of THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL, and fallen off!.....As did PETE TOWNSHEND...Well ,it impressed me! Recently i've been playing a lot of THE BLUES....Which it must be said Lynne hates.

Music can help your moods .....If THE WHO'S 'LIVE AT LEEDS' doesn't charge your energy levels ,nothing will....If i was feeling pissed off i'd always play 'QUADROPHENIA' that got me buzzing. There are tons of sounds that have an effect.I like prog rock ,saw PETER GABRIEL ,recently ,listening to the old GENESIS stuff. Watched YES recently, then played THE SEX PISTOLS the following day, not progressive, but good! I was playing the soundtrack of some of the JOHN BARRY early JAMES BOND films ,helps me feel like 007 when i'm walking the dog, lean ,mean and licensed to thrill

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

IF RAMBO WOULD HAVE HAD A JOHNNY SEVEN NOBODY WOULD EVER HAVE BEATEN HIM!

When i were 'nobbut a lad!' we had what were known as toys!.....Cars ,Guns ,Bown' arrows ,Action men and stuff that have my nostalgia juices running , now i'm at the age where my nostalgia is only matched by my angina!

Remember my JAMES BOND ,ASTON MARTIN DB5....Collectors will tell you if the toy is still in its box its valuable....Any kid will tell you any toy in its box has no value . The value was in the little buttons around the base of the metal ,not plastic,metal body. These buttons fired missiles; put up the rear bullet sheild; and of course ,how could we forget.....THE EJECTOR SEAT! 'THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.' also had their car with a big discreet U.N.C.L.E. logo plastered across the bonnet. When you pressed a button NAPOLEON SOLO and ILYA KURYACKEN popped out of the window armed with a pistol. There was the 'CAPTAIN SCARLET' S.P.V.(Spectrum Persuit Vehicle) Complete with rocket launcher and a side opening door with captain Blue or Captain Scarlet sitting back to front as they drove backwards viewing through an internal screen. 

In addition to cars of which i had a massive collection i moved onto rockets and had all the 'THUNDERBIRDS' when you rolled them on their wheels sparks inside red plastic cover over the back made it look like booster rockets. I even had a plastic 'STINGRAY' for playing with in the bath....You need something to play with in the bath!!!..?

Then, of course as all snotty little kids, i loved war and weapons .....I remember hitting my dad with a sucker tipped arrow on the side of his head causing him to pour the mug of tea he was carrying over himself....Oh how he laughed!

He didn't know how well off he was until they bought me the amazing JOHNNY SEVEN !!......It ws so heavily armed you could invade a foreign country with a one without leaving the living room or hall. They had everything....Missiles, rockets, bullets, grenades and a detachable pistol that fired caps loud bangs and the smell of spent matches fill my mind as i type this. There was various sized rockets ,all of which firesd with, it has to be said a fair velocity and hit with a good belt ,as my late dad could've vouched. There was a grenade launcher and a plastic bullet firing gun. If 'RAMBO' had had one JOHNNY SEVEN he'd have won a lot more wars!

Then we had ACTION MAN!!!!....Everybody goes on about real hair ,swivel eyes worked from a knob on the back of his head....No knobhead jokes ,notice ,i must be maturing, now i'm 54. And pull the string and he says all Action man manly military stuff, but this was the later model and was crap! It had hinged joints ,whereas the older model didn't have these added extras ,with painted black hair, but what it did have was elasticated ball and socket joints so you could literally position the figure in absolutly any position your warped young mind could envision.....In fact we had a ball in shops twisting Action Men into disgusting sexual positions as those nasty little puberty  teenage hormones started 'kicking in!'....But he had all uniforms and guns and even had a Mercury style space capsule....We explored the universe and fought wars without leaving the living room or the staircase .

Later moved onto the beloved AIRFIX models and the ceiling was covered with various aircraft having the biggest dogfight in Aerial military history ...Spitfires shooting down Phantom fighters; Lancaster bombers attacking Hawker Harriers,etc, etc....

Lest we forget in those days we used to interact with other kids of our age and the family ,we got our racing bikes ,i never got a 'Chopper' ,in fact nobody i knew had one ,there was a few 'moonhoppers 'bouncing around the street and a few resultant cracked skulls....We had a few leather caseballs and played a lot of footy on the park as well as some violence orientated games involving getting chased then getting the 'living shite kicked 'outta ya!'....

The next game we discovered wasn't very succesful...GURLS(hem ,hem)....The occassional snog at the youth club disco!!!!.....So we moved on....Discovered DRINKING!...And games and playing was replaced by 'PLAYING AROUND!'..Which i still dabble a little with even now.

I see kids and i never see toys ,as such as we all know all the want is an i-pad ,telephone ,texty, bleepy thing ,or whatever the hell is 'it' at the moment. I spoke to my family when i had my toys ,i spent a lot of time alone with the greatest toy of all my imagination !....The horrors are enschonsed in their bedroom for months on end and don't speak on the occassions you pass on the landing or in the kitchen, possibly a grunt ,if your lucky(?)...Never mind contact , most parents have forgotten what they're sweet little angel even looks like!

Funnily enough ,maybe its my memory playing tricks ,but it seems boys had the fun on the toy front. Girls had yukky girlie things like dolls .....Action man was not a doll !!!!!...But they make up for it in their later more informative ,intereting years and here we fall into the realm of the sex toys...The various chains that specialise have achieved a respectability ,having shops in your average shoping mall / centre...Or women getting the drink in and having house sales evening for the 'demonstration' of a variety of oddly shaped ,knobbly ,sometimes electrical vibrating 'thingies' some of which require the various scented lubricants also supplied .You also get uniforms to dress up and handcuffs ,so you can play cops n' robbers.......They must have a lot of fun these ladies....Your never too old to play with toys! 

F**KIN' FREKING !.....LIKE F**KIN' DRINKING ....HIGH PRESSURE NOXIOUS GASEOUS EMISSIONS AND OMINOUS RUMBLINGS!

                When you go out on a night on the'razzle' us Brits tend to go for it in our time honoured fashion which, basically consists of going into a crowded room and guzzling as much drink as is inhumanly possible. The beer consists of two types, basically ,lagers which are gaseous and the darker thicker stouts which are sludgey!!!.....Wether we force gaseous liquids or thick sludge under increasing pressure into our system ,after a bit ,in it's own special way the body starts to make its discomfort known in a variety of recognisable ways to both the person involved and ,unfortunatly for those sharing their company. 

The symptoms of this physical rebellion against high pressure liquids and gasses forced into the body consist of the emission of high pressure noxious gasses, commonly known as 'farts!'...Rumbling guts and the high pressure emission of the bladder and ocassionly the stomach contents. Not pleasant at all!

But somewhere a scientist sliding down a toilet cubicle wall after the suffering described above put the hard learned lessons to good use and developed the theory that would lead to the process known as FRECKING!

In theory if you force high pressure liquids and gas into anything ,something has got to give and something will come out the other end????

So one day up in the drinking capital of the country around the North West where we understand the principles involved in drinking to excess ,so FRECKING sounded like just giving the ground a drink ...Our green n' pleasant land has sustained us for long enough and deserves a wee drinkie!

So high pressure fluids were forced deep into the ground and like its human counterparts gas and fluids were emitted in the form of gas and oil, which to the politicians and fuel companies was 'absolutly super!' As pound signs filled their eyes and minds, so enraptured with the financial boom that the good ground had peed ,burped and farted out they were quite happy to dismiss the 'rumblings!'?

The boozed up lands 'rumblings' took the form of a mild earthquake!.....But it was only 'mild!' so , of course thats ok!....But considering the area isn't exactly 'The Pacific Rim ' not known for fault lines; Volcanic activity and general drastic seismic disasters suddenly has an earthquake after a good night on the 'Freck!'....Understandebly the locals who sat watching their cups n' saucers rattling on their shelves were understandebly perturbed by the ussually reliable floor suddenly taking it upon itself to bounce and rattle and even crack slightly. But ,of course those who know better reassured us there was nothing to worry about. Even when our cuz'n's in the U.S. reported a drastic increase in seismic house rattling ground shaking earthquakes due to increase in 'Frecking'....The yanks in charge are even more worse money grabbing bastards then our lot so the 'people' were ignored and on it goes!

As we all know we have a special relationship with 'our cuz'n's'......That means our goverment want to be quids/dollars in with the powers that be in Washington, so it would be in all our benefit to keep them happy and ,funnily enough an announcement was made for the go ahead for licenses to be awarded for Fracking operations to take place all over our green n' pleasant land.....They stressed that areas of natural beauty will be spared which leaves the rest of the country to look like those Texas oilfields with nothing ,but pumps and smoke and fire as far as the eye can see.

When you drink a lot you get a beer belly...I magine the country with one huge expanding beerbelly.....Probably around Birmingham ,which will rise above the surrounding countryside, a little like Yellowstone park which is swelling and one day likely to explode in a huge volcanic eruption.....Some say that Brum exploding wouldn't be a bad thing, but it would disrupt the hi-speed rail link ,the other bright idea!

When you see Marilyn Monroe with that draft up her gusset shot that could be happening all over as gas spurts up the new faults and cracks in our pavements from our constantly rumbling frecked out green bits and totally unpleasant land!