TONY BLAIR: BOOZE, POLITICS N' THE ROCK N' POLL LIFESTYLE...HE TOOK US TO WAR, BUT WORSE HE TOOK HIS TIE OFF AND UNBUTTONED HIS COLLAR!!!!!

TONY BLAIR GIVES IT TO GORDON BROWN......A signed copy of his autobiography, hot off the press!

Todays the day, the day when our once beloved glorious leader, TONY BLAIR has his autobiography released. The pavements outside of bookshops all around the country will be full of news reporters reporting how theres nobody queuing for 'Tonys Tome'. I'm sure the tale ,entitled 'A JOURNEY' will be a fascinating read. Apparently he's upset at soldiers getting killed in a war he sent them to; He hates GORDON BROWN. Apparently he's a bastard, etc, etc. Now thats the stuff people want. Vitreol and hatred and spite and a smattering of blame . Tony,like all great celebrities also hit the bottle ....POLITICS, THE NEW ROCK N' POLL!(sorry!). As Tony not exactly hitting the excesses we ussually hear about from our beloved celebrities. He'd have a G&T, then a few wines after dinner. I do that before dinner and i've never ran the country.

I get to order the dog to get out from time to time, thats the limit of my power and influence. Tony's away in the states pushing the book during his highly paid lecture tours. Apparently this very evening, our hero is having dinner with BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT( The afro-Irish president). Poor ol' OBAMA is going to get a copy of Tony's Tome wether he likes it or not.

Aside from all the 'stuff' he did when he was in charge. There is one thing i cannot forgive him for. Even worse than the military hell he's left us in. It is the ,taking off of his tie ;Undoing his top button;Taking his jacket off; And rolling up his sleeves. When in office, he created and cultivated his own Tony's Team...BLAIRS BABES,etc.He was surrounded by PR sorts; SPIN DOCTORS, advisors ,etc, etc. One day one of these bright young things came into Tonys office bubbling with excitment. Not with a way of fixing the health system , or sort inflation ,etc. No,Something much more important. An image issue. "Prime Minister ,the next time you give a speech ,take your tie off and even ,if possible your jacket then people can see that as you roll up your sleeves ,your one of the people, determined and willing to get down and dirty with all the voters."Tony must've though"WoW!"...."Thats really, really brilliant, guys!"Happy and relieved that he wouldnt have to work on something important, this was something to make him look good, so off came the tie.....DAVID CAMERON, who modelled himself on Tony also Whisked the tie and the jacket off. GORDON BROWN the LABOUR leader was a bit more CONSERVATIVE and settled just for the removal of his tie.Now ,every damned politician in the country, whenever they are speaking ,are always open collared. Even if every single other person in the hall has a tie on. It really pisses me off these politicians trying to be like normal blokes. They're not ,they are politicians ,they arent even human. And they can claim a nice silk tie on expences.

DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ILLEGAL TO OWN A NUCLEAR BOMB? 'COS I DIDNT!...

As i was slurping at my 47th gallon of tea of the day i was watching the 'BEEB' news. This to help me to help you by keeping my finger on the pulse of just what is occurring in our great wide world. One thing that came out is the rocketing numbers of rules and regulations n' laws n' stuff. This mass of laws, etc , covers virtually everything. So, whatever your doing, you better stop it right away, as its probably illegal. One of the rules ,is that, apparently it's ILLEGAL TO OWN A NUCLEAR BOMB!!!... I mean did you know that? Because i certainly wasnt aware of it. When we moved into our new house in Warrington, after our few years in the far east, we brought a pile of stuff we'd aquired with us. A lot of this stuff ended up in the garage, shed or attic.
Our story begins in India. One day ,partaking in the KINGFISHER and COBRA beers in various boozers in the fine city of BANGALORE with a few friends , i got talking to a fellah ,in a bar, as you tend to during the aquiring of 'a skinfull'. He sold me an old nuclear missile and warhead. It was old Russian army stock, which the Indians ,always people with an eye for a bargain were swallowing up. Lynne went up the wall. I had to take the MIG FIGHTERS and the AIRCRAFT CARRIER back. The nuclear missile got lost amongst the LOVELY LYNNES stuff.

So after the news i got a shock when i was getting the lawnmower out of the shed and there in the corner was the nuclear war head. A little dusty and rusty and droplets of URANIUM 235 on the floor glowing away. I thought,"maybe i'd better get rid of some of this junk", as THE LOVELY LYNNE is always going on to me about doing. I thought of selling the warhead and booster together on E-BAY(UK), but i didnt know how much to charge for postage for the booster assembly.I mean it wouldnt be worth selling after all the wrapping and cellotape. And i bet ,even if i did wrap and stamp it . It wouldnt fit in the letterbox and that miserable cow in the post office wouldnt take it over the counter. The only thing i can think of is the local carboot sale, up the road. As even the charity shops wouldnt take the stuff. "Some days you just can't get rid of a( nuclear) bomb!"( Thanks to ADAM WEST in BATMAN,THE MOVIE for that immortal quote!).... Gawd! its hardwork being a honest law-abiding citizen

THE BONZO DOG DOO DAH CAR ALARM BAND

(car alarms in perfect harmony.)

Even though we live in violent, crime ridden n' riddled times and towns, its not all bad. We're protected by whats left of the police force. We have modern day 'dads army 'in neighbourhood watch, etc .But our property and safety is secured by a variety of alarm systems to protect us from various forms of accidental or malicious grief and problems which may arise to generally screw up your day. Not to mention the next few months trying to sort out what the insurance companies are actually there for. As you try and get money you've paid to them and are entitled to recieve back to ease the suffering in just the sort of sad ,bad and even tragic circumstances you may find yourselves in. To combat and protect our property we have a variety of alarms . The most infamous being ;THE HOUSE ALARM; THE CAR ALARM THE SMOKE ALARM. The ideas behind these various alarms are pretty valid and reasonable. But, the reality ,as ever, never quite matches the sales brochures,the blurb on the box, etc.

Whenever you walk down a street, somewhere a house alarm is ,howling ,clanging, bleeping ,or some other deliberatly mind scarring noise. But nobody thinks,"OH MY GOD! THERES A HOUSE BEING BURGLED, CALL THE POLICE ,!".....No, the eyes get rolled and ,"OH F***'IN HELL !....TURN THE BLOODY THING OFF, FER CHRISTS SAKE!".....And telly volumes all down the street are boosted up so the X-Factor ,or Come Dine With Me, isnt interupted too much. House alarms go off ,just cos they feel like it or a piegon flies too close. Car alarms are the same .They go off ,nobody yells "OH GOD! THERES A CAR GETTIN' NICKED, CALL THE POLICE!"...... Nope, rolling of eyes as the screeching, honking ,or whatever goes on ,because a dog pee'ed against a lampost 10 feet away. Smoke alarms 'let rip' with their ear-drum splitting howls, just for boiling an egg or making a cuppa, not because,"OH MY GOD! THE HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN!"........ A lot of alarms lights still shine ,but most have had the cables ripped out just to shut the noise off, as the owners have normally forgotten the access code as well.

The other day ,THE LOVELY LYNNE had left the car window open and it had been raining. Being the ever dilligent caring husband i reached into see if the drivers seat was wet. The car alarm let rip. We turned it off with the key fob and all was quiet again. Until a few seconds later a car across the road went off, closely followed by a few more around our sheltered little close. I thought i should walk out into the centre of the close and orchestrate the alarms into a symphony for car alarms. Who knows with a little arranging a backing of house and smoke alarms to make it an alarm classic. I thought of MIKE OLDFIELDS:TUBULAR BELLS...At the end THE BONZO DOG DOOH DAH BANDS once, sadly now long dead front man VIV STANSHALL ,as he did on Tubular Bells , could've gone through the various instruments. This for the various car alarms.

"FORD!".......(HONK HONK HONK!!)

"TOYOTA!".....(WHEEEEOOOOO....WHEEEEOOOOO....WHEEEEOOOOO)

"VAUXHALL!"....(BLARP...BLARP....BLARP)

"DIATSU!".....(TOOT...TOOT...TOOT!)

"ROVER!"...(WHARPP...WHAARRPP...WHARRPP..!"

"CORTINA!"...(FRRRRRRRPPPPPPppppppp.......flat battery!)

"PORCHE!".....(WHUP..WHUP...WHUP....WHUP......!)

Dont tap your feet too hard to the funky beat you'll set off the house alarm.

THE BIRDS N' THE BEE'S, GIRLS IN VERY SHORT TIGHT SKIRTS, THE GOOD LORD MADE THEM ALL...THE DIRTY DEVIL!

The other day as i was standing on the train platform awaiting the," delayed due to signalling problems", but arriving five minutes early(?) train to the fair city of Liverpool. I stood calm and relaxed. All bodily functions and levels as 'labelled on the packet'. Until, from nowhere came a girl, obviously 'going into town'. To the keen observer, 'girls going into town can be determined and recognised by the tall hair; short skirt and high heels. The skirt was so tight it had to be a size or so smaller than her skin. This had a not altogether beneficial effect on my aforementioned bodily functions and levels which suddenly 'flew off the scales'....As i'm a happily married middle aged ol' fart.(i can admit to it, just!)... I tried, and failed miserably to avert my cross-eyed gaze and to return my swollen tongue to its lair inside my mouth, from where it had suddenly decided it wanted to reaquaint itself with my chin and nostrils and share spit n' drool. Its a sign your getting old when a part of you on seeing such 'a sight' wonders."Does her father know she goes out like that?"

But as she stood posing and pouting half naked tottering even as she stood still on her 18 inch stilletto platform heeled shoes on the Liverpool side of the track. On the 'other side of the track', which to every scouser is the Manchester line. And the girls stood there going into Manc-land were Middle -eastern and wrapped in various scarves from head to foot.As their religion or culture demanded. They want to keep wrapped up, fine .The Liverpool Lou,slave to the demands of fashion, religion not playing too big a part in it. She wanted to be unwrapped, fine. I dont imagine god was too upset,in either case as some would imagine. As we all know God's a bearded wise old fellah. He designed women to attract men. And unlike most creative artists, given a blank canvas he created the whole universe, it has to be said, that knocks Da-Vinci;MichaelAngelo; VanGogh and Walt Disney(at a push) into a cocked hat.They earned a few bob drawing women and god himself. But he designed and created the original design for women,the MK1 sporty models, as well as the more functional models and designs. Either way women ,without doubt are , i think,in my considered(but not by many)opinion, is one of his best designs, so when the female form is 'shown off', or not,as the case may be, as long as its appreciated he should be rightly proud.

I wonder why he never signed his work.

Tim Leatherbarrow: IT'S A WONDERFUL THING THE HUMAN BRAIN, I'LL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO USE IT ONE DAY.

Tim Leatherbarrow: IT'S A WONDERFUL THING THE HUMAN BRAIN, I'LL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO USE IT ONE DAY.

CARTOONS,CARTOONISTS N' OTHER CARTOONS N' CARTOONISTS N' WHAT MAKES CARTOONISTS HAPPY!

Its o.k , folks! Your beloved leader has returned to amaze,and amuse on occassions, i'm sure it must've happened sometimes on the admittedly very odd occassions; To educate ,which must have happened on occassions, albeit even less occassionally then the amusing times; And at the very least ,so you can say with n'er a small degree of smugness,"There! I told you that Tim Leatherbarrow was a F***kin' knobhead".Which i'm sure doesnt happen on rare occassions ,but occurs on a regular basis. But i've returned from a spot of frog-trotting in the land of 'Johnny Foreigner', itself ,nowhere less than the 'sarf o' France'!.....So after a week of being burnt to a frazzle and eating all the various curious lifeforms that the 'med' has to offer much to my daughters disgust, compounded by 'daddy's stinky breath', after the garlic has taken its toll. To be fair the area is a beautiful place as it wasnt bombed to bits in that little fracas we had with the Germans, way before the world cup. So, the villages, etc are still as they were and a nice life is had by all. South o' france ,back to Warrington, need i say more? I also read 'THE COMPLEET MOLESWORTH'...(Down with skool!...How to be topp!...Whizz for atomms!...Back in the jug agane!)Not just for the enjoyment, but as Molesworth learned fr,grammar at ST CUSTARDS, much like i did at my skool. But those sneaky french talk it totally different to wot i wos tort, sounding like they're gargling jelly.

The one thing i do like and admire about the Europeans ,generally is that they, unlike us ,do love their cartoons and cartoon books. Any news agent has all the ASTERIX; LUCKY LUKE, etc, etc books, as well as LA FLUIDE GLACIALE cartoon/ comic magazines . Even tho' i'd swotted up with NIGEL MOLESWORTH on my fr; grammar i still cant read a bloody word. The French have definitly changed the French language from that one wot i used to do at skool. The artwork is great stuff and ,like any kid,"i jus' look at the pictures", and try and make some sense, but on the whole just admire the art and wonder why we Brits, virtually invented the cartoon as an art form have let it die like everything else we've given to the world. Abroad you'll see adults reading through cartoon books and comics quite happily with 'non-embarressment!'....As would we Brits, given the choice.

But enschonsed comfortably on the reading seat (the bog at the top of the stairs.) i plough through these comics and admire the characters, layout, linework and animation, etc and think "BASTARDS!.....BASTARDS ,THE WHOLE LOT OF YE 'R ARE BASTARDS !...THATS THE ONLY WORD FOR THEM...BASTARDS!"......This to those not too educated in the psychology of the cartooning rabble is the basic response any cartoonist has to somebody elses work, whose any good ,or even worse, successful. At any collection of work you will hear chuckles n' laughs, but the thought bubbles are thinking "BASTARD!"....A variety of reasons for this ,as i said ,the artwork ,success and, of course ,the idea, the joke, gag, whatever. This is possibly the hardest to take as even the cleverest of ideas, when viewed become obvious and you think ,without fail,"WHY THE HELL DIDNT I THINK OF THAT?....And sometimes it seems so obvious now that your convinced the artist nicked it off you in the first place. You've only got to go home and look at the crap you've been pumping out overflowing from cupboard shelves and drawers to sadly realise and accept that maybe that brilliant idea was his own and he didnt nick it from you, but that just confirms he's, yes you guessed it..."HE'S A BASTARD!"...... Of course i wouldnt think along these lines as i'm comfortable in my talent and skill, but i know other cartoonists who arent, i bet they're sitting on a bog somewhere looking at my work and thinking, "BASTARD!"...Oooh i do hope so.

The creative mind constantly needs stimulation to keep it firing and sparking with images and concepts to amaze and astound all the 'normal people 'who inhabit the grotty grey miserable world outside our creative bubble. One way for me is to put BUBBLE-WRAP on the toilet seat and rock from side to side. This causes hilarious popping and farty noises and tickles your bum. This ,of course is just one way of stimulating the mind, i'm sure all the 'greats' of creative mindom throughout history had their own ways of being stimulated, i mean what did they do before 'BUBBLE WRAP'?

BLOWING OFF LOUD WINDY FARTY NOISES,DRIBBLING SPIT..ALL THE JOYS OF THE BRASS BAND..(notice no blowjob jokes?)

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IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED, THERES MORE STREET ENTERTAINERS IN LIVERPOOL THAN SHOPPERS!!!...

The other week i stepped off the chuffa train at Liverpool Lime Street and stepped out into the sunshine of our fair city. The roads were full of cars,taxi's, busses and trucks chugging n' honking; Then there was those brave bold and by neccessity slightly insane pedestrians trying to get past the traffic to delve into the shopping area in and around St Johns precinct opposite. All together people and engines make an impressive noise. But the air was filled with not so much a 'white noise', more of a 'white boom'....Puzzled as i was i made my way into the centre and realised what it was.

In the old days of my youth, there was the odd acoustic guitarist occassionally with a full quota of strings; Some old tramp with a tin whistle, or occassionally the odd accordian. But now!...There was whole bands; Carribean steel bands with about twenty drums ,and to make it worse ,the public were allowed to have a go; There were guys who'd set up electric keyboards and synthesisers; Electric guitarists with stacked amps ,that were once ditched by The WHO, or LED ZEPPELLIN at one time; There was a guy battering the hell out of a full drum kit in the middle of a side street; But the worst of all according to theLOVELY LYNNE was the group playing the bag-pipes; On top off all this a marching band came through town to add to the cacopheny of sound .And as well as that you've the drivers who want us all to share their 'BOOM, BOOM,BASS' horror, as they cruise by with all their windows open. The thing that struck me is how the electric musicians are flooding the streets .Where do they get their power from. No crocodile clips and car batteries for them. I just wondered if the shops that they're playing outside of have noticed an extra plug in their multi-socket plug point, and a lead going out the door ,or into the staff toilet and out the window.

As you wend your way through these purveyors of noise.You have to be very light on your feet. Theres now dancers ,even plays and traditional entertainers juggling away, etc . To escape the street chaos we would hide away, as ever in various back street boozers. We would purchase our 'refreshments' and then discover we weren't to be spared the horrors of noise. Our hopes of talking and being heard where about to be destroyed by the worst most awful form of noise there is....Karioke....The x-factor auditions all rolled into one and sung for your own personel pleasure as you choke on your drink. The LIVERPOOL BLITZ was a lot more tuneful and pleasurable to listen to, definitly not as loud....Aaah, i'm starting to sound like the miserable old fart i ,at last am, eh?

OH SHIT!..IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED....I AM NOW FIFTY YEARS OF AGE !!!!....OH SHIT!........

AAAAAHHH!.....ITS FINALLY COME TO PASS , ITS HAPPENED , ITS OCCURRED ...YOUR BELOVED FINGER ON THE PULSE, EYES N' EARS OF THE WORLD...(And all the other bits attached, of course..) HAS FINALLY HIT THE BIG FIVE OOOH!..50...(sob ,sniffle ,snort)....
I went to my bed last night a young fresh faced young 49 year old and was awakened about 6.00 a.m .this morning by my excited daughter. Not, i hasten to add that she was excited for her beloved father. No! It was because we share the same birthday and shes hit the big 12.... The Lovely Lynne ,even at that ungodly hour, wished me a happy birthday. I replied , not unreasonably i thought, "Sod off ,its not my birthday ,its too early." But over the next 10 minutes or so a mug of tea was supplied, my first as a 50 year old. I opened a couple of presents and a heap of cards, which cheered me up a little. The lovely Lynne and the not so sweet 'Little 'un went off to school n' work or whatever, whilst i slobbed on the couch in a dressing gown guzzling tea watching 'Randell and Hopkirk; The saint; The Proffessionals, all good 50 fare. I might even put on some SUPERCAR,or FIREBALL XL5 dvd'ds later with a touch of MAN FROM UN.C.L.E.; With a smidgin of VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA dvd's before me mam n' the mam n' dad in law descend this afternoon.As they'll watch some of those antique afternoon things and COUNTDOWN and DEAL OR NO DEAL, not on DVD ,i hasten to add.As we wait the return of the Lovely Lynne before we go off to a local boozer for a bit of scoff. I'm not drinking, i cant take it at my age!..(But i'm still a guy who can't,but should a little more often, say no!)... I'd politly inquire as to wether they'd prefer to watch GERRY ANDERSON'S U.F.O. but i dont think they'll go for it. Ah well ,i s'pose i'll be off i've got to get me over 50 tablets and new walking stick n' stuff , oh and get a moth eaten cardigan that buttons up wrong with the few buttons left. Age is a terrible thing.

THE BIG FIVE-OOOOOO(AAaaaarrrrggghhh)OOOHHH!....OR SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST FOR 'F'- ALL!!!!

I MIGHT HAVE HAD A 'DO' FOR MY 50 TH , BUT I'M STILL ONLY 49, 'TILL THURSDAY..!

Yeah the process has started ,the fact i'm on the cusp of being half a century old. We had a party and my suffering afforded great amusement to the family,that Irish/Scouse rabble that embarress and humiliate me wherever and whenever theres a bar open. Along with them were the hooligans , scallies and deadbeats who comprise my friends. I think ,one and all had a good time. I partied like a 21 year old and awoke the following afternoon like a 60 year old. A few too many' wee-ones' thrown in with the Guinnesses' that were constantly building up in front of me on the bar. As the naive, but Lovely Lynne pointed out."You dont have to drink them all!"..But i think if people in these recession hit times, are all struggling to get by,and if they spend their hard earned money to buy me a drink, its only fair i drink it. From now on i'll be a cheap night out, as i've given up 'The drink.'And its orange juice and mineral water for this ravaged ol' fart from now on.

Thanks for the best wishes ,some of them are almost clean and i may be able to keep them, before my wife n' daughter see them. Ah well heres to the next 50 years!!!!!!

PLAY IN A BRASS BAND AND YOU WONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE HOSEPIPE BAN...

As the country starts to boil under 5 straight days of searing intermittent sunshine.....Well, its time to look foreward to the hosepipe ban. Part of the reason for the hosepipe ban is, when the goverment announce that there's going to be a hosepipe ban if the reservoir levels fall and the north west of England doesnt have 8 straight weeks of monsoon rainfall in the next three hours or so. The kneejerk reaction to this shocking news is that every single person with a blade of grass or a plant or a flower in their back garden is suddenly dragging yards of rubber tubing connected to the stand pipe alongside the house. But when people jam these pipes onto the tap, only a fraction makes it to the buisness end of the pipe. Water is spurting and dribbling from where the pipe is roughly jammed to the tap. And then, the water spurts n' dribbles from the cracks and splits in the pipe itself. This is the gardening version of the water board or public utilities who let us have some very precious exspensive water through our taps, but obviously the cheap crappy water is allowed to flood streets and roads in the middle of towns and cities through burst mains, etc. Apparently the hosepipe ban doesnt apply to the millions of gallons of wasted water, funny that.

The reservoirs in the lake district are way down apparently. It is a little ironic as the towns all around are still being rebuilt after being totally flooded, bridges swept away, the works.... Now theres no water. Around the north of England theres lots of brass bands. Having 'The Lovely Lynne' and her family coming from a brass music background, i've a little experiance of brass instruments and i'm fascinated by the spit valve. The amount of fluid coming out of an average tuba being played constantly whilst walking/marching around the garden would water the grass and flowers. Even the smaller stuff like trumpets and cornets ,because they take heavy puffing and blowing to get a tune would keep a lawn green. The Lovely Lynne plays the trombone and with the varying length of the 'moving bit', she can sit on top of the shed and water the garden near and far depending upon what note she's playing. If the bands stood around a near empty reservoir they could damn near fill it after a performance.....Just remember to boil what comes out of your tap, if and when the goverment see the potential of the brass band for our water supplies.

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY TO THE NEIGHBOURS THE NEXT TIME YOUR AT A COCKTAIL PARTY AS THOSE SNEAKY RUSSIAN SPIES ARE EVERYWHERE!

" INFORMATION FROM AGENT X-15.....THE NEW YORK YANKIES WON AGAIN; MACDONALDS HAVE PUT 3 CENTS ON THEIR BIG MAC; THE LADY FROM 5556 IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE PIZZA MAN; THE DOGS HAD PUPS....AND HE'S GOT TODAYS DOONSBURY STRIP".....

There!...you all thought those nerve jangling fear-filled days of the cold war were all over. Well, this America and Russians as 'besie' mates was all a sham. The hard fought trust that has been built up over all these years has been shattered by those damned Ruskies. They have seeded the local population of the land of the free with their 'sleepers'....Agents who live in a house ,have a family ,watch the telly, go to the shop, go for a drink. Exactly like you or me(except we're not yanks).....But unlike you or me in their free time they dont slob on the couch scratching n' farting, as they are too highly trained in sleeper school to do that sort of stuff. What they do is go off and contact Moscow and tell them all they have learnt from the 'neighbourhood and cocktail parties'. But this priceless intelligence is utilised by the enemies of freedom to....Well, frankly i haven't a bloody clue.

The thing i'm worried about is the wave of paranoia that is already building , even in our green and pleasant land. Only today ,the ex' of one of the spies told how she associated with shady Russian sorts, so dont fool yourself they're here. They know ROY HODGSON'S the new manager of LIVERPOOL. ;They know GAIL TYLDSLEY was found innocent on CORONATION STREET;That CHERYL COLE'S going to change her name back to TWEEDY(oh god!).....All this priceless intelligence is being swallowed up by the KGB. Remember, "Careless talk costs lives". I, for one am going to be watching what i'm saying the next time the neighbours have a cocktail party. I've also started moving the road signs around to confuse the invasion forces, mark my words, its only a matter of time.

The thing that dissapoints me about all of this, is the effect it will have on the genre of the spy film. Out will go JAMES BOND and JASON BOURNE and in will come something more akin to the PARTRIDGE FAMILY with a powerful transmitter.

DONT MENTION THE WORLD CUP!!!!...........

so i *%*$£@+^%££$&XXXXXXXX'in' wont!!!!!!

AMERICAN GENERALS WITH BIG MOUTHS !...DONT APOLOGISE ITS TRADITIONAL!!!!!!.....

Its always good to see , in these days of uncompromising change that old traditions are surviving and are indeed alive and well. One in particular. The one that all American military men have big mouths. In times past they've had generals spouting off, chewing cheroots and walking around with pearl handled six guns. Not like British generals, of course. Mind you ,ol' MONTY wasn't backwards in coming forewards and his battles with our allied generals from across the pond was a lot more bitter and nasty then the battles he waged against the might of the German forces.
The boss of the AFGHANISTAN conflict was a certain GENERAL McCHRYSTAL. A quiet man, apparently. And with his background in BLACK OP'S, and SPECIAL FORCES,etc,etc this quietness could come in handy, blacked up behind enemy lines. But now he's a desk bound cigar chomping 567 star general he goes about his duties with his own war correspondant in tow. I never thought of ROLLING STONE magazine having a war correspondant, out side of Hollywood and the Oscars. But with the reporters in tow this ,obviously not so smart leader of men starts voicing opinions about his president and various suited and uniformed bosses in the white house and the Pentagon. I find it funny that all these unfairly berated(i'm sure) 'Sons of Bitches' actually read The Rolling Stone. A copy in the Oval Office and the War -Room of the Pentagon.
And so, our big mouth brave hero is summoned home, grovelling apologies, but, alas to no avail, as BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT(the Afro-irish president of the us)..Is a man reborn and revived, with the bit betwixt his big smiley pearly white teeth. He's fighting wars; Oil companies; The world economy,without breaking a sweat. One big mouth general who called him a name aint gonna give O'Barnpot any trouble ,oh no way, man! So as i type this rubbish Ex- General McChrystal is picking up his first dole cheque, or starting flipping hamburgers somewhere.

I USED TO HIDE BEHIND THE COUCH WHEN DOCTOR WHO WAS ON THE TELLY....NOW ITS WHENEVER ENGLAND PLAY.

When i was younger in the days of black n' white DOCTOR WHO'S. A long time ago when the Doctors had passed the age of puberty, like WILLIAM, HARTNELL and PATRICK TROUGHTON...When the DALEKS, CYBERMEN, etc, etc..scared the living daylights out of young lads. And as we know we all used to dive behind the couch at the first "EXTERMINATE!"....The dark was cosy and safe behind the horrendous settee with the flower patterns on that were a lot more horrific than any beastie, robot or monster the Doctor Who scriptwriters could come up with.

But ,as we grew up our fears changed and it wasnt so much the beasties, robots or monsters that scared us, but the fact that our television license payed for the worst special effects and wobbliest sets in telly history. Even worse than CROSSROADS, but that was on ITV. We didnt have to pay for that,so that was ok.

But much like the classic Doctor Who days, the boyhood fears have returned me behind the couch . When i sit to watch ENGLAND play(if thats the word). The acting is the same ,way over the top; Most of the game looks like certain defeat for our heroes,(and ussually is), as they run around screaming and shouting, like all the Doctors assistants: And as for the monsters and beasties, well, we've a few, well able to drive you behind the couch....Well! WAYNE ROONEY for a start

AAAHHH, IT MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE.....ALGERIAN !

U.S. AND US !

An American politician once said...."NEVER LET A GOOD CRISIS GO TO WASTE!"....

Theres a dark ,greasy, slimey,filthy,polluting filth filling up the Gulf of Mexico and it is understandebly upsetting the people who have to live and work in the reigion as they watch their livliehoods and ecological, natural landscape getting destroyed. And then you have the Dark, slimey, oily, greasy, filth that is American politics. Ballcock o'Barnpot( the Afro-irish U>S> president) has had some wonderful photo oppertunities out of this ecological catastrophie. And , the slavering morally determined mass of congressmen, who are up for re-elections in a few months want to be seen to be fighting for the suffering 'man on the beach'. O'barnpot, after getting a 'little' slagging off.("He's said too much too late") is getting tough and is going to get tough with them "Goddam Limey sons of bitches" at B.P. Or British Petroleum, as we once liked to call it,But O'Barnpot still likes to call it ,as often as he can squeeze it in to his televised blathering. I'm sure its nothing to do with building up anti British feeling in the home of freedom, democracy and moms apple pie. And while the resentment boils up ,if he can screw a few billions of dollars from B>P> and the British pensioners. Well, the electorate'll love him forever.(What was that about 'a good crisis?)... The strange thing is ,i was reading that the oil-platform that exploded and killed all those men and caused the oil leak, was supplied by a company called TRANSOCEAN. Who were once the finest supplier of deep sea oil drilling technology. They merged with an American company called SANTA FE,something or other.They're based in J.R.EWING territory of Houston, Texas. But since the Americans moved in and took over Transoceans reputation has plummetted worldwide. So, it seems to a naive sort, as my good self, that the Yanks have a lot of blame to shoulder in this oily sticky mess, as the platform and crew was theirs.

The new england world cup song...OH CHRIST !...'ERE WE GO !(again!)...ERE WE GO !(again!)...ERE WE GO!(again!)........

BUTTER-FINGERS!!!!

Everywhere i look ,there's England flags flappin n' fluttering, health and safety regulations allowing, of course. This is a wonderful show of pride and patriotism by the people of our great proud country. I have a lot of faith in the pride and belief of 'everybody' back here at home. The problem ,for me lies with the fact i've absolutly no faith in 'our boys' in the England squad. "C'mon ,Tim, give 'em a chance"thought i to myself and sat down to watch the travesty of a game against the USA, for christs sake. Then afterwards, looked out at the flags fluttering from houses and cars in our close and thought "Ah well, they'll be coming down by the end of next week."

But even after one of the all time goal-keeping 'cock-ups'; And half the squad of deadbeats chosen by our Italian 'gaffer' dead n' beaten by injury, its not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining, they do say. And even at this time of National disharmony, pain and fear for the next few games and our increasingly slim chances in the tournament, this old saying is true. I was asked a few years ago to illustrate a book in Hong Kong, for the chinese, written by a Geordie lad, explaining various football sayings and expressions. As ever my moment of fame never came to pass and the artwork wasn't used. But after the England game ,this particular one , i think is particually apt.

ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS ,A QUESTIONABLE GUIDE TO THE LIFE ,THE ,UNIVERSE N' ALL THAT STUFF!

Gazing out into space, cos' you can see it from our back garden on a clear day. I wondered on the mysteries of life the universe ,smelly socks n'the intensity and frequency of skidmarks on underwear n'stuff n' everything of importance to our daily grind. I put my massive,if underused intellect to the problems and mysteries involved. After a while i'd solved half of the mystery of the cosmos. I'd worked out the questions.

WHAT..?

WHY...?

WHERE...?

WHEN....?

HOW...?

PHEW.....WHO WAS THAT....?

WHOSE ROUND IS IT....?

DO YOU FANCY A BIT O'..........?

WHERES ME KEYS.......?

Now having solved half of the equation all i needed was the answers, easy, no sweat......

ARE YOU DEAF,OR WHAT?

'COS!

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE THEM?

THEN

LIKE THAT

IT WASN'T ME

I GOT THE LAST ONE.

NO!..GET OFF N' GO TO SLEEP.

(couldnt find an answer to that one)

So, there you go all the problems that weigh so heavily upon our feeble mortal shoulders .Cause us so much stress,stomach disorders like flatulance and wind (stress farting is on the increase in our high pressure age.) Falling out hair. Go on havent you been slightly alarmed at the massive knotted clumps of hair blocking up your plug hole?....All those problems have been analysed and solved.You can all relax, now. When you understand it, life ,the universe n' everything, etc,etc is quite simple and straight foreward in a curved spacetime sort of way(except for the socks n' skiddies!).No, theres no need to thank me, i shall take my leave. I've solved everything and i haven't even had my breakfast, yet.

TIM(FINGER ON THE PULSE)LEATHERBARROW TOLD YOU SO!

If you scroll back through the widom and deep penetrating observations of the insanity and inanity of our jolly lives in general,as pointed out and explained in this blog thingey. One of the 'finger on the pulse 'items was about the possible sudden exiting of a certain Spanish manager of Liverpool FC.....I frighten myself sometimes at my understanding and 'on the button 'prophesies,its almost paranormal, ESP, X-Files, etc,etc.........