WITH EINSTEIN'S 'GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY' ALSO LEAD TO 'THE RELATIVE THEORY OF GENERAL INSANITY'.

Once upon a donkeys years ago, man was a fairly sensible sort of creature and was quite content to spend his time down on the 'flat', as opposed to the top of hills and mountains. He'd invent, build, farm, and get together in massive groups on a flat plain facing another massive group and proceed to beat the shit out of each other. They built boats to sail the flattish seas to find other flat plains were they could gather and beat the shit out of the 'home' gathering. As far as they were concerned hills and mountains were ok, if you could use them to grow grapes on the slopes to make the vino to help the fighting groups get 'tanked up' on the flat plain below for the forthcoming 'beating the shit out of'. As far as they were concerned going uphill was hard work, so the tops of the big hills and mountains were allocated as the homes of the gods, so, totally off limits to 'us mere mortals down on the 'flat'. This was before they invented gravity!...

Over in our part of the world , there was a pile of plain out n' out nutjobs who lived in the 'highlands' and would come racing down to the flat from time to time to batter the 'flattee's', but rarely would the 'flatee's' follow them back up, wisely thinking. "Why should i virtually kill meself and freeze me nuts off chasing them gobshites up the side of a mountain?".A fairly understandable sentiment, i think you bunch of lazy gets would sympathise with. In some places like the Alpine regions, esspecially. The farmers would move their cattle to the upper pastures in the summer and back down in the winter. They invented planks of wood to strap on their feet and with the aid of sticks tramp up the snowy slopes and sometimes use the planks of wood on their feet to slide back down on the snow. This was the ski. An aid to get to the village strasse ;the boozenfarter and back to the fraulein(???)er. And that was that.

When Issac Newton decided to invent gravity it was handy for getting apples out of trees, and working out where the moon would be, or where a cannon ball may drop. But the real streamlining of gravity was with a swiss chappie by the name of ALBERT EINSTEIN.

Before our hero gave the world the new sporty model of gravity. Gravity was this 'stuff' that kept you on the floor. There were a few strange sorts who wanted to oppose this perfectly natural force. They would risk life and limb and climb up almost vertical slopes and cliffs to get to the top of mountains ,"cos' it was there?". But man is basically a lazy git and much preferred coming down to busting a gut going up. So, somebody invented the cablecar so people could go up higher than your screaming thighs and howling calf muscles would let you walk, and then you could slide down on those wooden planks called ski's. The higher you went the faster you skied. Einstein, apparently was a keen skier. So, wether he discovered the Relative theory of general insanity, The only possible reason for hurling yourself off the top of a mountain to see how fast you can get to the bottom.(E=MC2....ego=madness x craziness 2 )... And if this inspired the general theory of relativity, which to the average non skier makes much more sense, we may never know.

But this fascination with gravity has made parts of the world into haunts of the rich n' famous,(thats not us)..Gravity has made the Alpine regions and the various countries thereabouts very rich indeed. Even richer now, since some maniac decided to launch a kiddie-sized bike off the top of a mountain when the snow wasn't about. The mountain bike craze had begun. So now the whole reigion has an ever expanding variety of ways of falling down mountains at ridiculous speeds in and out of the snowy season. I know this having just come back from LES GETS, in the FRENCH ALPS...As the week wore on the numbers of wrecked bikes and legs and arms in plaster mounted up. I think the skiers are ok, as apparently they do like to drink and have a good time...Whereas the bikers go back to their tent , van or hotel to fix their bike to wreck it again tomorrow ,then' hit the sack'. For my money i reckon the bikers are the real maniacs as they stay sober, so they've no excuse.

"DAD, DAD, THEY'VE LANDED ON THE MOON N' ITS UPSIDE DOWN !!"

Long ago in the days of the old steam television, as the wonderful SPIKE MILLIGAN(spine Milligna, the well known typing error.) might've said. The steam telly was a huge wooden box full of valves which took about an hour n' a half to heat up and display a crappy old black and white picture on a tiny screen. The buttons were huge clunky things that you had to twist with both hands to turn channels, never mind turn on or off. It was just as well that there was only 2 channels in those long gone days as the levels of hernias would've been a lot higher. Do you remember horizontal and vertical hold; 405 and 625 lines, etc. Ahh in the days of digital telly, this is how proper tellys worked. But it was on one of these steaming box of valves that a nine year old(just, 5 days past the birthday)space mad, schoolboy watched the most mindblowing thing he'd ever seen. The MOON LANDING.

I would wait with mounting excitment every Tuesday night for the paperboy to deliver the TV21 comic, with all the GERRY ANDERSON-based comic strips exquisitly drawn on quality glossy paper ,a wonderful comic. Telly had PATRICK TROUGHTON as DR WHO; LOST IN SPACE; VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA; TIME TUNNEL; So, rockets, space and science fiction was 'it'. So, when the APOLLO boys started their 'stuff' it was great. I always remember being most excited when APOLLO 8 went off around the moon for the first time. I was stunned, and still am by the photos of the moon and the approaching darkness of mountains and crater walls as they orbited the darkside and then earthrise. A few months later PATRICK MOORE and JAMES BURKE are talking us, in great lengths through this grainy lousy telly(live from the the moon') ,mostly black, with a white chunk,at the top of the screen. The picture was,it turns out, upside down."Dad,dad,they've landed and the moons upside down"... I pondered on the possibility that they had landed at the south pole,or the moons bottom. Then the picture rightened up and cleared up a little and NEIL ARMSTRONG stepped on the moon. And a 9- year old schoolboy busting a gut with excitment, in his grey school sweater and black school shorts on a bright sunny morning was yelling for his dad ."Dad,Dad, he's walking on the moon!!!"When i got to school we we're moon skipping around the playground for weeks.

Even today the conspiracy theorists are still blathering on about shadows; Reflections in visors; Flags waving; Multiple shadows; Lack of blast craters and on and on. As i've said before the yanks cant keep a secret among a few people for long ,never mind thousands for 40- odd years. It must be frustrating for the astronauts. I had to laugh when i read about BUZZ ALDRIN giving somebody who claimed he'd never gone to the moon, a 'smack in the gob.'Good on yer, Buzz. I've been watching programmes over the last week or so and some of the re-digitallised lunar footage is ,to me ,truly mindblowing, after all this time .The 9-year old schoolboy is now a 49 year old schoolboy. And to complete this nostalgia fest. I recently mentioned DANNI and DISHI(over on the links)These are the people who supply the comics on disc. They sent me a disc with all the old COUNTDOWN comics on.Countdown was a sort of extension of the TV21. But they used to feature a lot about the APOLLO programme. I remember the first issue with , GERRY ANDERSON'S ,U.F.O.Thunderbirds, Fireball, Stingray;JON PERTWEE'S Dr Who, and stuff ,but with a huge free gift. A poster that you had to add stickers over the weeks to, to show the whole Apollo moon shots n' stuff. I, of course filled it up and it held pride of place on my bedroom wall ,right up there with the BRUCE LEE posters.

A MEEK MILD MANNERED CARTOONIST,ALIAS SOOPERDOOPER-PINNY,FASTER THAN A THROWN USED TEA BAG;ABLE TO LEAP FULL FAIRY LIQUID BOTTLES AT A SINGLE BOUND...

(SOOPERDOOPERPINNYMAN)

As many of you, no doubt remember, or not by the lack of birthday greetings that flooded the infinity of cyberspace, or the not quite so infinite infinity of the Royal Mail. But, anyhow, another year 'flopped' over. Next year would've been the big Five-Oooooooh!!!...But i've found away of avoiding this tragic occurance. No, not at some suicide clinic in Switzerland. My daughter shares the same birthday as her beloved father(my words, not hers!)....So i bask, in the cold of her shadow, lonely and neglected. So, i shall put this situation to my advantage and start going backwards, not mentally,chronologically. So, remember in 33 years ,i'll be 'sweet 16'.....

A little while back,an article on the blog examining my station in life as a house husband, introduced a highly stained pinny. This inspired the lovely Cathy Simpson.(look at her link, over the other side of the page)..This in turn caused a 'knock on response from' around'. The stains on the pinny caused the creation of a seperate sentinate lifeform,that developed and evolved then ran away to become an MP and live off fiddled expenses. Cathy reported seeing it on a boat sailing the seven seas. This was probably after running away after being exposed in the Telegraph. But we may never know the truth as it all got very silly. But the Lovely Lynne saw how i had an emotional empty hole within me,(must've seen it through a hole in my jeans)that needed filling. So, for my birthday i got a superman pinny. So now when theres dishes to be washed or a carpet to be hoovered .Meek, mild mannered cartoonist Tim Leatherbarrow becomes Sooperdooperpinnyman. The pinny doesn't cause much trouble, but the telephone box to get changed in does(ever tried getting changed in a phonebox?I have and i'm covered in bruises.). It was awkward trying to hide an old red English phonebox in the kitchen. So, that was shifted into ,the utility room. Then into the studio, i've told the Lovely Lynne its there as i'm doing a strip about some fellah thats zips through time n' space in the phone box,crazy i know, but i think it has possibilities.

But now i'm older with the smells and stains of an older man .One day a super pinny could evole from the mature organic emissions of yours truly. Faster than a discarded soggy tea bag; Able to leap a full fairy liquid bottle with a single bound; Soap bubbles bounce off my chest .A new hero is born.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE,BUT THERES NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT AS ITS ONLY A WORSE CASE SCENARIO!!!

" SO YOU SEE,PRIME MINISTER, UNLIKE ALL THE OTHER TARGETS YOU'VE FAILED TO MEET...FAILING TO MEET THIS ONE WILL BOOST YOUR APPROVAL RATINGS IMMEASURABLY!!!"




Over the last couple of days ,all those serious looking newsreaders have been telling us how hundreds of thousands of people are going to be killed by the swine flu pandemic sweeping the world faster than anything ever.....But then ,with a smile ,it's pointed out that this isn't nessecerally going to happen and this is 'ONLY(!)..A WORST CASE SCENARIO????"....Oh well thats a relief then, nothin' to worry about. All those out there popping their clogs is just bad luck. But thinking about it, its an act of genius by the politicians.

All this time the bunch o' shit'eads who congeal in that building with the big clock have been showing how totally useless they are at running the country by making targets and then totally failing to come within a million miles of reaching them. Their little graphs, etc, the lines instead of reaching the top of the page dont even get far above the baseline. But what they've decided to do ,instead of trying to reach these proposed positive targets. They have announced a negative target. The 'Worst case scenario'......It scares the shit out of everybody. Then, when this point isn't reached, everybody gasps a gasp of relief and praise is heaped upon our glorious leaders for guiding us through this potential disaster.

This (WCS) can apply to anything from the economy.The whole country could crash and millions would be out on the streets, but only thousands suffered,"God, bless the goverment". Sport; The Ashes....(WCS),England get slaughtered by the Aussies...So, if we get away with a mere battering ,or a good hammering, thats alright then. In fact it becomes a victory of sorts. Being British a victory is quite often a 'not too bad beating', rather than an outright victory.

You can expect a(WCS) for the Olympic stadium. Costing squillions of tax pounds, so when it only costs billions of tax pounds, we've got a bargain. The same principal for the boys fighting in Afghanistan. When we dont lose the (WCS) number of men, the goverment can say we told you so,we're winning, and they didn't need extra helicopters....Personnally i think every time a politician opens their mouth, its a case of worse case scenario.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPEEY BIRTHDAY TO-OO MEE-EE. HAPP-EE BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!..49 NOT(quite) OUT !!!

Well, it's my birthday you ignorant shower. Maybe i overlooked the 3foot mound of envelopes on the mat inside the front door containing the mounds of birthday cards that've no doubt poured through this morning,to bring your love and respect to me on this very special day ; Give me joy n' pleasure and give the post man a hernia. On my way to the first pot of tea of the day i wouldn't have been capable of noticing a post van parked at the bottom of the stairs. But when my eyesight'kicked in' after my 3rd mug of heavily sugared tea, my 20/20 vision could see the doormat perfectly. Totally unobscured by a mass of birthday cards...YOU MISERABLE HEARTLESS BASTARDS!!!.....I am now 49 years of age , and worse than that i am now in my 50th year.....Excuse me while i go and sever some vitally important blood vessel, will ya.

I was born when the world was black n' white; The Beatles hadn't formed, you listened to Slim Whitman and Jim Reeves and Cliff Richard and Adam Faith and enjoyed it? Doctor Who wasn't even thought of. Steam engines filled Lime street station and powered past our old house. And if you went 49 years before my birth , i'd have been alive during the First World war. Oh god this is getting worse. I am now at that age where there are plenty of old people ,but wherever you go you seem to be the oldest. Thankfully i've retained my youthful good looks whereas many of you haven't. There is, ironically a shaft of sunlight beaming through the darkness...My birthday is ST SWITHINS day and when it pisses down on this day, it pisses down for 40 days and 40 nights, so enjoy my birthday..Cos its hammering down.

READING COMICS ON THE 'BOG', GOES HI-TECH !

One of the great joys and pleasures of life is locking yourself in the toilet, seating yourself comfortably on the 'bog' and reading a comic or tabloid newspaper. Cartoonists are the main offenders and are the only people i've seen with magazine racks and bookcases in the smallest room. But that is about to change. Hi-Technology is coming to the Lavvy!....

If you look to the list of links on the side of the blog page . One of the list is for a pair who call themselves DARREN & DISHI (darren.phillips7@ntlworld.com)......They produce computer discs of all the comic characters you could ever think of. For a couple of quid you get hundreds of issues, annuals and specials of 'whoever' from Superman and Batman to Spiderman and The X-men and millions more. I've spent months plowing through the collection of comics ,curled up on the couch with the lap top. And recently, much as i would never have believed it until recently. I have sat reading comics on the 'bog' from my laptop. The time spent is gradually getting longer and longer and the seat ring on my backside is taking longer and longer to disappear between 'visits'. There is now an extension lead constantly ready in case of emergency on the landing outside the 'Lavvy'. This is in case the lap-top battery goes flat and i need to connect the charger. I mean you cant be left locked in the 'Kharzi' with a flat battery and Magneto on the verge of destroying The X-Men; Doctor Doom annihalating the Fantastic Four; The Green Goblin murdering Spiderman; The Joker doing for Batman, etc,etc.....Jeez! it doesn't bear thinking about.

DARREN & DISHI are well worth getting in touch with ,they'll send you a list of all the titles available and its amazing ,tell 'em you read about it here. I still like comics with paper and staples and no one can replace the boxloads in the attic. But i'm now doing my bit for the planet . Reading about all these heroes saving the planet, by having hundreds of comics on a little cd disc, rather than a 40 foot pile of paper and staples.

HOW CAN A GEEZER BLAG A BANK IF HE CANT GET HIS BALACLAVER OVER HIS NOSE ?

The other day i had a busy day ahead of me .So, i put the kettle on , boiled an egg, made some toast sat and turned the telly on. After contemplation of the multiple tasks that the day held before me, i put the kettle on again and thought something along the lines of "Oooh F**k it !"..I knew there were things that i had to do, and i wasn't going to neglect my responsibilities. One of the tasks that had to be addressed was catching up on the growing collection of films that was building up on the SKY+system. The first i'd been meaning to watch was McVICAR, starring a certain Mr ROGER DALTREY. It wasn't bad. A certain Hard man called John McVicar had, apparently this annoying habit of going out with some like-minded 'tooled-up geezers' to pull a 'blag' at various banks. Then 'gettin' nicked' and sentanced to 'a stretch', 'in the nick'. After many attempts at escaping and gettin' a kickin' from' the screws'. He is finally released to go through the whole thing again. But 'our hero' escapes, but 'gets nicked again. But he gets a degree and writes about crime on the telly and newspapers and the film is a success and he lives happily ever after. Except, apparently his son, such a cute kid in the film ,playing 'footy' in the park with Roger Daltrey, with a Daltrey backing song playing away. The kid now he's 'all growed up', is 'a tooled -up armed robber, who's been 'sent down', just like his dad, he must be so proud.

I thought i might become 'a geezer';Be 'the daddy'; Pull a few blags; Etc,etc....... But ,not many of you know this but i've 'done time'. I've been in the toughest 'nicks' in the land. I've attempted to escape hundreds of times. Once i made it as far as the landing. When i did get out, the dogs had no trouble following my scent. This was due to an incident with a bar of soap in the shower ,so i never showered for the rest of my 'time'.

I've always believed in wearing the right'gear for a job.."If you pull a blag, pull it right," as my ol' dad used to say on our visits. So, i'd wear a stripped shirt a beret,or bobble hat, and a bag marked with SWAG. I had trouble with balaclavers, as my somewhat aqualine regal, upper class nose wouldn't fit under the wooly covering properly. And, purely coincidentally, the main girlfriends i had through my formative years and even the Lovely Lynne have all worked in various banks, so every 'blag' i pulled i was recognised. The following morning 'The Old Bill ' would bust in telling me how "They were 'the Sweeney and to put my trousers on. Then, for some reason how they hadn't had their dinner". Then off 'For a stretch'. All fascinating stuff, topped off with how i gave up honest thieving to become a criminal cartoonist. I wondered if Roger Daltrey would like to play me in the film. But ,everyone thought with a nose like mine, PETE TOWNSHEND would be better.

YOUR BORN, YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE THEN YOU DIE AND IF YOUR LUCKY SOMEBODY MIGHT NOTICE.

If you were lucky enough to have been stranded on a frozen moon a billion light years beyond our galaxy, you will have been spared ,for a billion years or so ,just about enough time to avoid the light speed news signals beaming across the cosmos to inform you of the death of, 'the king of pop'..Michael,Whacko Jacko, Jackson himself. The stories about prescription drugs; A skeletal body covered in needle holes, like a tea-bag covered in little perforations, but not as much mass ; Stomachs bunged full of tablets; And his kids who aren't his. And they're not even their mothers???/Now thats a headscratcher for a simple country lad like meself. The Lovely Lynne told me the other day that apparently he was totally bald. Jeez! Could you imagine what he'd of looked like without that ridiculous head of hair to cover that mess of distortions that passed for an Airfix kit of an early Star Trek aliens face ,that was the' Whacko's kipper'. Jacko's face and he's bald ,god thats a sight that i'd say would ruin your day.

There's that saying about people remembering where they were when certain people 'popped their clogs'. People like J.F.K.;Elvis; John Lennon; My dad(well i do!)....Now, of course The Whackmeister, himself. And just in case the memory does let you down in years to come. We, of course have the weeks of totally insane revelations that are, and yet too come out.All that would make it almost impossible to forget one of lifes genuine nutjobs. Somebody who put such a lot of effort and mind boggling amounts of money into his insanity deserves to be rememebered. How crazy he was, who knows, crazy he may've been, but he wasn't daft.

I was talking with that hairy ace caricaturist to the stars Guy Carter. He said 'That when he went, he'd like to go quietly and with dignity!'...I disagreed totally. When i go i want the world to shudder and shake,Volcanoes to erupt ; Earthquakes, Floods n' tsunamis; People howling and wailing in the streets all over the planet; Television specials going on for weeks, no make that months; Plaques and statues put up everywhere i ever went; Billions of websites devoted to my memory.......But that probably wont happen. My beloved Lovely Lynne will miss me cos she loves me madly and i do the dishes ( with a little help from a stained pinny) and hoover up. The little'un'll be pissed off at me cos she'll have to walk the dogs.

IF YOUR NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR'S KNACKERED I CAN HELP, BUT IF YOUR TOILETS BUNGED UP YOUR KNACKERED ,I'M SORRY !

Most people know somebody who can 'do jobs'. Y'know plumbing or a bit of 'Elekky' jobs around the house, and so the list goes on. I know a few lads like this , but i've gone further. I've moved foreward into the 21st century social circle. A world where people don't rely on plumbers and basic 'elekky' skills but are much more advanced. I have a cicle of friends and aquaintances who are nothing less than NUCLEAR INSPECTORS. So, if you have any troubles with your cold fusion reactor in the years to come, give me a shout .'I know a fellah, and a woman, who can sort you out'. If your toilets bunged up ,or the telly's not getting channel5, or something, i wont be much help to you. But if your nuclear power station is giving you problems, give us a shout.

I'D PREFER TO BE HIT WITH INSPIRATION, BUT A MILD POKE OR A GENTLE NUDGE OF INSPIRATION'D DO,AT THE MOMENT !!

Mon apologies all my followers n' fans out there in madbadninkyland for the certain lack of communications over the last week or couple or three, even , that all its been ,my you are an impatient lot! I sat at the computer ready for the torrent of creative jibberish to come flooding out....And waited.....And carried on waiting......But the expected torrent, the creative tsunami caused by the slipping and grinding of the brains stressed creative fault lines didn't happen. Does this mean that the disturbed brain that i rely on has settled down to a calm settled state. Thats wonderful if i'm a zen monk gazing at a cave wall for 30 years, but a bit of a bugger if your a blogging cartoonist.

Right so here we go , back to forcing jibberish and rubbish from the nooks and cranny's of my infertile imagination. I'l see about going to see a therapist. Not to cure myself of psychological disorders. But to see about 'getting' a few psychological disorders. This will cause the pressures and strains to build up on my brains creative fault lines and cause creative brain quakes; Tsunamis of the imagination, and the usual rubbish......

DAVID CARRADINE HUNG BY THE NECK N' NUTS, BUT WHERE WAS HIS FLUTE ?

Aaaaah!.....What a world we live in. When i was 'nobbut a lad', in the 70's ,i loved the stories of a scruffy bare footed half chinese fellah walking around the wild west booting the hell out of the cowboys who always seemed to pick on him for walking into the saloon in mainstreet 'Deadmans Gulch' and asking in a barely audible whisper for" a glass of water, please. " This was , of course David Carradine, as rogue Shaolin monk Kwai Chang Caine, in the wonderful 'Kung Fu'. Made me the man i am that telly series did. I can often be seen walking around Warrington in bare feet, but broken bottles and police warnings have curtailed my monkish wanderings of late, the world we live in i'm afraid. But while i was away on an S.A.S. -Like endurance test, that was a family holiday in a caravan in Wales. I was informed by my old hairy mate Guy Carter and proud owner of a boxed dvd collection of the Kung Fu series(as am i.), of the death of David Carradine. He was found hanging in a Bangcok hotel cupboard by his neck n' nuts. Apparently as pop stars and movie stars aren't satisfied with a 'swift one off the wrist'these days. The beautiful people, they shove apples in their gob;A noose around their neck, and ,apparently their cobblers, then step off the stool? This gives them 'extreme satisfaction', shall we say. But it does seem to go wrong for a lot of the time ,so if they do die,it's with a big smile on their face. But the smile on their face is to make room for the massively bloated purple tongue sticking out of their mouth.

I can only imagine Kwai Chang Caine would never have done such a thing, but you never know. Carradine was deeply 'into' Kung Fu' ,Tai-chi, Chi-gong and various associated philosophies like his alter-ego Caine. And, apparently trained and studied with the Shaolin monks. So, what are they teaching nowadays at the Shaolin temple and if Caine had of committed an act of Auto-Erotic sex, where would he have stuck his flute?

I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD THUMP OR KISS MY DAUGHTER!

(To read just click on the text....Yes i know you know, but there are people who don't, like me!) I'm still not sure, but i must admit it had me laughing, so i went for a kiss, but gave her a boot as she left the room, i don't want her to think i'm going soft. All her own work....Elara Leatherbarrow, your a smartarse!!!....I think i'll give her another kick.

STAINS;WHY DO WOMEN WANT TO ERADICATE THEM AND MEN WISH TO CULTIVATE THEM......

(Control yourself, Cathy!) One of my inciteful ,finger on the pulse blurbings, rantings and general blatherings, recently finished with my mentioning that i had to go and put my rubber gloves, flowery pinny and various househusbanding acrutiaments(jeez! i'll have to bring the dictionary in here, one day!)....And do my cleaning before the return of the Lovely Lynne from her day at doing what banking people do to help the down-trodden masses. This image of me in a flowery pinny and a pair of marigolds excited a lovely young lady,CATHY SIMPSON, of whom i have mentioned. and who's details are on my link thingey on this here very blog wot you are trolling through (but off to the right hand side of the page.). Over the last week i have filled her waking hours and maybe even her sleeping hours(it could happen) with these images and thoughts. Then a major step in our pinny based communications took place when my collection of pinny stains entered the dialogue. This is where the male ,female differences came to the fore. She made typical girly suggestions about getting the pinny washed. To which, aghast and appalled i replied that stains aren't just dirty marks....Stains are moments in time, every stain has a history. Like any geologist will tell you rock strata are from definite time periods in the history of our planet and the knowledge of the world is within these strata. Likewise the layers of my various stains tell of my time as a cartooning blog-blathering houseslave. The organic mix on the pinny's material has given the spark of life to a whole new ecosystem, judging by the scratching i do when i'm wearing it. I am the creator, am i a god?.... Or is the universe just a stain on a flowery pinny, part of another universe ,a stain on another flowery pinny? Going on and on forever, an infinity of flowery pinny's?????....(There!Who said i can't think deep thoughts!)

Cathy suggested that the Proffessional Cartoonist Organisation would cough up for a new pinny and the existing one could be displayed for the benefit of the world. I'm not sure my ethics, morals and beliefs would allow me to do this, but if there's money involved???



The only other problem is that the pinny is in a specially constructed biologically sterile bunker 500 ft below ground. Anybody who's ever seen the ANDROMEDA STRAIN will understand. Then Cathy started on about me not wearing trousers, typical woman! Here i am creating life and all she wants to talk about is sex!

EUROVISION 2009..THE U.K. WERE O.K, BUT WERE K.O'D BY A SMACK IN THE MOUTH FROM THE VIOLINIST !

Last Saturday night it was that time of the year ,again. That night of the year when i always seem to have nothing else to do and nowhere to go and do it and i have no escape or excuse to avoid the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST.....The Lovely Lynne won't allow me to put a single SUPERCAR dvd on, so i have to watch it with her. As it went on i read a book on Jack the Ripper, which has been solved by an ex-detective, apparently 'Jack' was a German sailor caught and executed for murder in the U.S. But the horrors inflicted by Jack paled when compared to some of the acts on the Eurovision, i thought. But, i always think that. Fair enough there was some good warbling and some tasty lasses doing the warbling. But whenever the fellahs came on, i felt like smacking them, esspecially that young Norwegian that won. I thought the song that was written by Ronan Keating was great, the fellah should work as a Ronan Keating impersonator. He's lucky, unlike the Elvis impersonators, they don't have the real man to coach them, whereas he's got ol' Ronan to hone the Ronan clone to perfection.

Then we had the UNITED KINGDOM(nil pwoint).....Whereas every other country fielded their biggest stars, we Brits in the true spirit of Eurovision got our amateur from a reality game show hosted by a certain A.Lloyd Webber(songs, stageshows for all the family, for any occassion). On she comes our prospective little starlet warbling on about "This is her night". Drifting across to one of the violinist hacking away at his violin with the horse hair bow who promptly belts her in the microphone, which hits her in the mouth. It was at this point i fell off the chair laughing, so i think i missed her getting a nudge from the second violinist she wandered/stumbled across to. The last violinist must've seen what had transpired and turned his waving fist,elbow and bow away from our battered and beaten but still warbling heroine bouncing pin-ball-like around the stage. I thought she sang with a bit of a lisp, but it was probably where a chipped tooth pierced her lip. I tell you its dangerous work this singing in Eurovision song contests. I included this second violin cartoon not only to show how wonderful i am, but to show that real life isn't that far from the 'silly' world of cartoons... I don't know which is sillier the cartoons or Eurovision.

I'll also bet that the politicians, gawd bless 'em breathed a sigh of relief when 'our girl ' didn't win. If she had, we would've had to stump up for the Eurovision song contest, next year. We can't afford Eurovision song contests and politicians expences, as well.

BLOODY HELL, BLOOMING EXSPENSES,FLIPPING HOUSES AND F***ING POLITICIANS !!!!

Just a little one today!!!!.....As i was eating my perfectly boiled egg(4 minutes in boiling water)... And my toasted crusty bread, i was choking laughing at the latest revelations in the MPs' exspences debacle. After a week or two of enjoying themselves at Labours 'Browns boobs' variety of disasters, fiddles n' fiascoes. It was now the turn of Camerons 'crowers' to feel the might of the whistleblower and the Daily Telegraph(good name for a pub, that!)... So everything from dog-food to shandaliers to moats, and helicopter pads were thrown in the mix.. I was choking on my breakfast, literally 'pissing myself laughing..Oh god this is wonderful stuff! The politicians are all showing their true colours and they're not just blue n' red and whatever colour the LibDems are. These pathetic swindling bastards who are sorry because they've been caught and exposed are out on their doorsteps waving cheques that they are going to pay back what they've claimed with...Now this is what politics and politicians are all about, great stuff!

MP'S ARE DIRTY,BUT THE PRIME MINISTER ISN'T, HIM N' HIS BROTHER'VE GOT A CLEANER. I KNOW 'COS I'M PAYING FOR HER!

Today another batch of fiddling by MP's on their expenses hits the news headlines. Everybody is running two cars, two houses; getting houses built; porno dvd collections for their husband ;private planes ,etc,etc,.But now the big boys are involved Jack Straw for claimed his full payment of council tax, even though for some reason he's only paying half. Now old Gordo' Brown our beloved prime minister's joining in the fun. Something about paying for a cleaner for him and his brother. Apparently they are all very concerned how it all looks to the voters. There you see, not right or wrong, just votes, just looking good for the voters, nothing else matters. The Mp's are all excused and described as being"POSSIBLY NAIVE ?", which is all very sweet. But for the rest of us, who, of course aren't naive. We'd be criminals "screwing the system".... How things change, only a week or so there's our Gordo' walking the corridors of power chatting to kings n' presidents, now he's embroiled in CLEANERGATE, seeing if he can pay his own Downing street, security cleared Norah Batty from our money , or stick his hands in his pocket and pay her himself with his own money, which funnily enough we gave him.

Right! After putting the world to rights i've got to run the hoover around the house, wash the dishes and tidy up, once i've found my flowery pinny and, of course my rubber gloves (they're for later???)

THIS PANDEMIC COULD BE THE REBIRTH OF MORRIS DANCING WITH CLEAN HANKIES!

"The new lad, he's not from round here is he?" As PAUL SIMON once said, "For Cathy wherever i may find her.", or something like that. This cartoon is dedicated to the loveley CATHY SIMPSON. A freelance illustrator to be found on her well worth a visit website at:

http://www.cathysimpsonillustration.com/ Cathy left a comment on my previous rambling about dancing men in Manchester waving hankies. It struck me that as everybody on the planet is going to die from a mexican swine flu pandemic within days or weeks, or definitly before the next footy season. We need something to take our mind off our ills n' troubles. SONG, DANCE and CLEAN HANKIES , along with grown men drinking a lot and hitting each other with sticks( and thats not just the dancers).The MORRIS DANCER would seem to fit the prescription bill for your flu antibiotics admirably. The pandemic could bring about the rebirth of the MORRIS DANCER. There y'go, as they say when times look bad,' every cloud has .......Another cloud trailing along behind it'

PIGS MIGHT FLY, BUT THE SWINE FLU !

Catch it !

Bin it !

Kill it !

.......There you go .The swine flu pandemic ,sorted. The Flu-fighters spent millions on getting the brains behind ;'Go to work on an egg"; "Snap, crackle n' pop"!; "Put a tiger in your tank"; "The Milky Bar kid", etc, etc....To get to work on fighting the flu-pandemic. Not with drugs ,or medical facilities n' stuff, no something a lot more powerful and effective a 'SNAPPY SLOGAN' ...I sneezed last night, the Lovely Lynne asked me if i had swine flu, but it wasn't flu, but i am a swine. And i didn't sneeze with a spanish/mexican accent ("El -koff-o !....El- sneeze-o !"), so the pandemic hasn't hit our house yet. Mind you, it is funny that for years mexican food has been killing peoples guts, now a few runs from the upper levels of the body, the nose as opposed to the 'other end' and the world flies into a panic.

The Lovely Lynne had to go to a meeting about the pandemic, i suggested, "just for research purposes", you understand, she wears a sombrero, a poncho , swigging a bottle of Tequila . Then in the middle of Manchester sneezes. Just to see the reaction.

U.S. AND US .

Theres always been wars, but not many were everybody hasn't a bloody clue as to"What the hell are we doing here?"....But the invasion of Iraq is one. The U.S ofA. Gawd bless their mom's apple pie dragged us in. Blaming a not very nice, but fairly harmless dictator chappie, a certain mr S. Hussein for the terrible 9/11 hijacked aircraft smashing into the New York Trade Towers. The results of which were as big a shock to the bearded madmen planning the strike in a cave in Afghanistan. When the whole structures came crashing down in a city wide cloud of dust and rubble they were probably as amazed as the rest of the world. So, to battle terrorism theU.S. and us. (we have a special relationship with the yanks.) invade Iraq and police Afghanistan. Which didn't end the war against terrorism, probably 'kickstarted' it. Every muslim and his mate are tramping from Leeds or Bradford to train as terrorists in Pakistan.

But much to 'our special partners' disgust ,"The goddamn Brits're pulling out".... As everybody knows the Americans won all the wars when they "Pulled our butts outta the fire of,again!" It's not over yet, tho' as we'll be entrenched in Afghanistan till 'hell freezes over'. The Russians invaded from virtually 'next door' and 'had their arses kicked'. Are we going to have much more luck fighting this gorrilla war, i doubt it. The U.S. may throw their massive resources into Afghanistan ,if they don't blow us up with 'friendly fire', they may even hit some enemy soldiers hidden in the hills. But it didn't work in Vietnam, Korea, or anywhere else so the 'war on terror will carry on and on and on...'

HOW MANY POLITICAL HITS CAN AN AVERAGE BELOW AVERAGE PRIME MINISTER TAKE ?

I have always hated politics and politicians, but they do hold a fascination for me. The whole lot of 'em, are rotten slimey shitheads out for what they can get , using their beliefs, sincerity(when interviewed) and sense of whats right for the people of this country to excuse the total F***k- up' s they cause these days on an almost daily basis. The cash crisis rolls on; Mp's are going to be paid to attend' the house' ,basically getting paid' to go to work', on top of the exorbitant wages they get for doing bugger all, already. The possibility of a flu-pandemic is growing, but the goverment will spend millions on pamphlets telling us all to put our hands over our mouth when we sneeze. Then they wont have to reopen the wards they've closed, as we'll be ok as we've followed their advice. But just in case they'll give 'the suits' that have infected the NHS, a heap of money to get outside contractors in, to supply fresh flowers and tissues in case some sick people brave the queues and go to hospital. If there is a pandemic, like 'the Survivors' telly series, the politicians will be safe in a bunker with their husbands watching their collections of goverment bought porn DVD's. On and on it goes...We had the earnest young tossers and spin doctors with TonyBlair known as 'Blairs Babes'.....Now we've got a similar bunch of tossers getting caught out,for their sins and screwing their system(with the backing of the British people, so they all say.) and resigning almost weekly. But apologising for 'their mistakes', not offences, mistakes ...Blairs Babes are now Browns Boobs. How many political hits can he take, i'd like to try him out a few political 'smacks in the gob;'headbutts on the nose; A knee in the nuts.....It's a dirty rough game politics.