AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!F**KIN' CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION FREE PACKAGING????

                   As it has been mentioned in past blogs ,as well you should know if you've been paying attention to the garbled rubbish i fill cyberspace with ,well you'll know that only a few days ago ,yours truly celebrated his 52nd birthday. My daughter has stolen my light by having her birthday on my birthday. Everybody goes "Ahh isn't that nice!"....No, not particually! Family ring up to inquire about her birthday and i have to slip into the conversation about why JULY15th is such a big day for another reason , basically 'cos of me! JULY 15th has been my birthday for 38 years longer than it has hers. My aged ,slightly hung over body was dragged out of bed at some ungodly hour as madam wanted to open her presents! Eventually it came to me to open my cards and things ,all very pleasant and i do like birthdays ,etc ,i like anything that means people give me things.

One of my present was a fairly large cardboard box. A sign on the side announced that it was 'CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION FREE PACKAGING'!...I had never seen that before and thought it quite amusing as i began my attempt to open the box without getting frustrated. THE LOVELY LYNNE told me to take it easy and had a go and failed miserably. I had another go and broke into a bout of severe bad language as i thought i'd broken my little finger and in a fit of CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION i tore the top of the box.

When we cleared the cardboard debris and i spent a few seconds sucking my finger and trying not to swear i took a look at what wonders lay within this FRUSTRATION FREE CONTAINER,because funnily enough it told me how easy it would be to open it ,but not why. It didn't say what it contained. Eventually i discovered a KINDLE E-BOOK READER. Which i wasn't sure i'd want ,but i have to admit i'm quite enjoying it. Still read books ,etc ,can't beat a good second hand book shop y'know!

YOUR BORN ,THEY CUT THE CORD AND THE CATAPULT OF LIFE SLINGS YOU THROUGH YOUR LIFE TO A HOLE AND YOU DIE!!!

                                                                                        The older you get the faster time seems to fly by .The concept of time travel and being able to travel into the future is said to be pure science fiction, but its not! Anyone who has had a 52nd birthday as i just have and those poor swine who're even older, as a bunch of my cousins are, who, much to my joy and amusement   are suffering the advent of advanced years at around the same time as my own birthday, thankfully it eases my own pain to see others suffer. These time travellers as that is what they are, know the feeling of having some event or something far ahead in the future and then  you wake up one morning and its zoomed past into the distant past and is dissapearing into your memories....Theres nothing wonderful or nice about it !  It is F**kin' terrifying. One day your a kid ,then a schoolkid and having a wild time with friends and fellow batchelors gay .(The 'G' word here is used in the free ,wild ,boozing ,womanising context ,before it was stolen). Now ,suddenly the 'WILD BUNCH' aren't quite so wild as their wives and their bad backs wont let them.
                                                                           Physicists say that the reason time goes foreward is due to THE ARROW OF TIME! There is a force called ENTROPY a posh scientific word for the increasing universal disorder. As order becomes disorder its ENTROPY increases which, apparently is the way of the universe....Everything is falling apart! Most of use can feel the effects of ENTROPY, or the feeling your life , body ,etc is falling apart...Aches pains ,etc its all THE ARROW OF TIME in universal terms ,but in personal terms its the CATAPULT OF LIFE!....

Basically your born, they cut the cord and 'TWANG' the catapult is fired and you are slung through the years of your life at a constantly accelerating rate until you land in a whole in the ground and your dead! Ah isn't life wonderful?

AN OLYMPIAN F**K UP!!!....THE PEOPLES GAMES, HMMMMM????

 Ever since the goverment announced that London was going to be thrown in to the hat to potentially host the OLYMPIC GAMES the political sounbites were drowned out by the nationwide groan that issued forth from the population who have lost all iota of trust and respect for our leaders and our betters? We all knew that it was going to be a total F**k up from the start. Building problems kicked off the debacle and then the costs started to escalate to millions n' billions and on and on. The OLYMPIC TORCH ,eventually hits our shores and promptly goes out! Sez it all ,i'd've thought. Security is a total F**k up a fortnight before the opening ceremony as some security firm that were paid millions have screwed up and we now need 3000 soldiers that we've recently axed due to military cutbacks, probably to pay for the games. Theres a fuss as the goverment have put ground to air rockets on peoples luxury appartments. I don't quite understand the need for these short distance rockets which would shoot a plane down over the middle of the city which could cause problems when aircraft and missile debris comes raining down on to the streets of the capital. Radar and tracking equipment can detect air traffic and potential threats half way around the world, even in WW2 they attacked the V1&2's before they arrived in the city ,but for some reason they have to be stopped at 'virtually'target zero!'

The 'PEOPLES GAMES' as they've been laughingly portrayed .The games are going to benefit us all , companies like that old British family firm, MCDONALDS.  They have managed to have small traders ,chippies , unable or banned ,legally unable to sell chips unless its with a certain portion of fish.

Apparently theres a organisation LOCOG (LONDON OLYMPIC AND PARALYMPICACT 2006)...They have banned the use of the OLYMPIC SYMBOL and even certain words and phrases with Olympic overtones ,referring to medals and 'going for gold,etc'....People ,shops ,villages over the months have been banned from using the olympic symbol ,like in butchers and bakers using sausages and bread to make the loops. Olympic parties can't be called that and even if they were celebrating the flame passing through couldn't copy the torch or have Olympic parties ,when they tried to remove the'O' to host re-named 'LYMPIAN' parties ,because it was obvious what its all about and is seriously frowned upon if not banned.

The peoples games are nothing to do with the people ,most people cant even get tickets and unless its not a goverment sanctioned celebration cant even celebrate and show their pride at being British ,cos funnily enough ,theres no reason to be so ,but a lot of people still are!

BOB N' BING!...ISN'T A FAULTY DOORBELL...ITS BOB HOPE AND BING CROSBY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST DOUBLE ACTS 'ON THE ROAD'!..

                                                                                                 You couldn't get two more American ,American entertainers than BOB HOPE and BING CROSBY....Ironically ,whereas BING is a pure American boy ,the archyotype American comic BOB HOPE is an ENGLISHMAN born and raised during his early days in gods country. He went over 'the pond' and ,suprise ,suprise , spent time in reform school and was a boxer for a while, joking  he was so bad they sewed handles onto his shorts ,or was that LES DAWSON?...He broke into showbiz and on it went . To boost his career America joined the SECOND WORLD WAR ,so Hope could go and entertain the troops. In fact as the years went on, whenever Hopes career was having a quiet time of it America would go to war ;KOREA, VIETNAM, he was there entertaining the troops. This may seem a little extreme , but you have to put a little effort in if you wish to create a showbiz legend . All i can say is that the yanks didn't know their favourite comedian ,friend of the troops and presidents was a Brit. Apparently 'Our Bob' was a bit of a womaniser and a bit of a lad ,liked a drink and was a friend of all the stars like 'THE RAT PACK' of which he was a regular. Everybody tuned into watch BOB HOPE reading his monologues even when he got to an age where he couldnt read his idiot cards.

He met up with the other great, BING CROSBY a one time jazz singer who liked a drink. App arently Bing was the guy who fought to have his radio shows recorded and through him taping techniques eventually developed. He gave LES PAUL some kind of recording tape system and this lead to multi tracking. BING CROSBY ,get this!.....His team created THE LAUGH TRACK!!!....Which we've all grown up wih ,and which is used even today for virtually every comedy show,  but for radical ,finger on the pulse comedians into reality comedy ,like THE OFFICE',without the laugh tracks.....I dont know if the attraction of BING CROSBY to  BOB HOPE was access to the laugh track ,he wouldn't have had  to worry about the audience ,he would've got an audience pissing themselves laughing at the press of a button ,indeed a comics dream. Crosby was the ultimate 'CROONER' and SINATRA was told to copy CROSBY by concenterating on the words rather than the jazz beat and tune and ,apparently thats just what'OL BLUE EYES'went and did. Everybody loved UNCLE BING...He made it look so easy. He put a lot of effort into making it look easy. He also liked a drink and was a great fan of 'THE WACKY 'BACCY!'....And according to one of his sons ,was a right bastard who used to beat them with a metal studded belt until he drew blood. Some of his brothers backed him and some denied it . Some of his sons blew their heads off with shotguns. The rest seem to be getting on with it. That tasty blonde actress who played TASHA YAR in STAR TREK..THE NEXT GENERATION was a grand daughter of BING.

When BING N' BOB  weren't wearing funny trousers and sweaters playing golf ,or bouncing abuse off each other  on stage, they made about 7 films all titled 'THE ROAD TO...'...DOROTHY LAMOUR  was their paramour in most of the films until the last 'THE ROAD TO HONG KONG'...Where lovely BING decided that 40-odd DOROTHY  was too old to appear, but HOPE insisted she did or he wouldn't appear, so she got a little 'bit' in the film to keep everybody happy and the leading lady was JOAN COLLINS...But our heroes were looking a little 'past it' and it was thought the young fresh PETER SELLARS stole their comic thunder. It was arranged for them to make a film in the middle 70's ...THE ROAD TO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH'...This hit a hiccup soon after the decision was made to go ahead when BING  popped his clogs. They both had amazing lives living in amazing times ,wars ,prohibition ,gangsters ,etc and most important they were great to watch ,i admit to loving 'the crooners' and i watched a documentary about CROSBY the other day and he was so listenable as were they all, but he was so easy and funny and quick. HOPE was quick ,sharp and funny always doing the Oscars ,etc for year after year . He never got one and referred to the oscars as 'Passover. BING got one and on one of the road films HOPE grabs an Oscar and wont give it to CROSBY screaming how it was his and .."You've already got one!"...But although they were never a double act ,as such .They were perfect together and always worth watching.                                                           

ERIC SYKES (R.I.P.)...PLANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!

Sad news today as its announced that ERIC SYKES has died. I met him twice and he was a really nice and friendly humourous fellah in that cloud of cigar smoke ,a gent and as far as i'm concerned a comic genius. He got into writiing after an attempt to get into showbiz after the war along with everybody else filling the theatres and wireless waves in them days and a bit later the telly waves. He fell into writing and soon was writing for some big names of the time like FRANKIE HOWARD. Later he'd meet SPIKE MILLIGAN and they'd set up a writers co-operative and such comic luminories as GALTON AND SIMPSON, JOHNNY SPEIGHT and the DALEK inventor himself ,not DAVROS,but TERRY NATION and a variety of others through the years. SYKES helped MILLIGAN write his GOON SHOWscripts and actually on occassions took over the whole job ,when MILLIGAN was ill,or whatever. Whereas MILLIGANwas the achetype tortured genius throwing typewriters through windows ,or locking himself in offices for days on end, SYKES seems to have been a fairly level headed easy going bloke and wrote for many other peoples shows 'to help out'....He started his own show which became shortened from SYKES ON..... to 'SYKES' and with HATTIE JAQUES as ,originally his wife, but for comic freedom later becomming his sister at 28 SEBASTAPOL TERRACE ,EAST ACTON...ran for years. SKY are showing them again and i started watching them ,albeit unenthusiastically a year or two ago and i'd forgotten how witty and funny they were. SYKES was known for taking a simple premise and twisting it and stretching it to ridiculous lengths and it shows and that is the charm of the 'SYKES' series its not just another sitcom based in somebodies living room, its quite often a surreal universe with a settee in the middle.

The twisting an idea can be shown with two films he made ,the first a silent film about two labourers carrying a wooden plank ,aptly titled'THE PLANK',with his sidekick TOMMY COOPER and just about every British comedy actor there was. The other was 'RHUBARB.' Apparently when actors shoot a scene and are meant to be speaking in the background they ,so it was said , just repeat the word "RHUBARB,RHUBARB!"to each other. In his film all the characters throughout just said THAT word.

Sykes started having hearing problems in the 50's and had to learn to lip read. Funnily enough the big heavy spectacles he always seemed to wear weren't for his eyes and, apparently had clear lenses, but they were some kind of hearing aid. Years later when his eyes started going ,maybe they stuck something in his ears to help him see, i dont know.

YOU WAIT FOR AGES FOR A BUS ...THEN THREE COME AT ONCE AND WHIZZ STRAIGHT PAST!....BASTARDS!

When we left the wonderful land of Malaysia to come back to our pebble n' condom riddled shores .I said we'd swapped the bright lights of KUALAR LUMPUR for the broken streetlights of WARRINGTON. Which is ,fairly true ,but more likely to be the smashed bus stops of Warrington. I was treading through the crunchy shattered remains of one of the remains of the bus stops erected for the community and to protect people from the wind and rain and any other elements from which little old ladies and such need protecting from. For some reason ,which i have to proffess not having the slightest understanding as to the reason why, little scallie bastard kids n' teens who have decided to have a break from their computer or text phone are filled with an almost primal urge to smash plexiglass bus stops and windows in general .As i crunched through the shattered plexiglass crystals i glanced over the road and some member of this track suit clad adrenaline junkie hoards of knobheads had put the window of the chippy through???? Why? ,as the little bastards ,who ,actually are between a fifth and a bit less of my age are a lot taller than me....But ,anyhow they spend most of their feeding time in the bloody chippy.

I suppose the reason for the youth getting rid of the bus stops is partly as they consider them of no use .They stand there ,chewing, spitting ,smoking and looking generally intimidating. This has the desired effect upon the intimidated bus driver ,who instead of gearing down to slow and stop ,will gear up and accelerate over the plethera of speed bumps and whizz past the bus stop. The passengers getting tossed around the inside of the bus like an old episode of 'Star Trek', or Voyage to the bottom of the sea',where they always had a scene were the crew were thrown all over the place. Its got to a stage now where the bus drivers dont cruise around the route  taking it slowly so they're ready to stop ,but more like they adopt the RACING LINE  like FORMULA 1 drivers on a track, so they can get around their routes at the optimum speed as if to  get the bus version of pole position.

Then if you do manage to get on these examples of public transport(?)...We now have the ticket machine ,never has such an odious device been inflicted upon the public. Its value to the community is only equalled by the V2 BOMB from WW2. They charge a figure ,say 73 1/2 pence, nobody has that sort of small change ,so you end up giving a pound as theres a queue behind you as the last three busses have whizzed past and everyone is waiting for you to stop farting around looking for chang ,and they all have to do the same, so tickets may be relatively cheap, god bless our goverment, but the money being paid is way over. remember the old red busses with the open back and the chirpy bus conductor, just like 'ON THE BUSES'....