Monday, 16 February 2009


There are billions of people on this planet of ours and we are told that everyone is different. There are different ;Races, creeds, colours of skin, shapes of faces;preferences of footy teams ;Eastenders, Emmerdale or Corrie; Political leanings, etc, etc .So it is almost impossible to say something about anybody without offending somebody somewhere somehow or way. This has rendered the noble concept of Free speech, totally unworkable. In many places people who speak out are quite simply shot. In our enlightened side of the world people write to the BBC, to complain or specialist goverment departments who are highly trained to spot the various 'ist',or 'ism' remarks and constantly invent new ones; Racism, sexism were once the old favourites, once there was only a few ,but with advances in abusive technology we have ,ageism ,sizeism,spotism ,stupidism,stinkism,and on it goes. Once it was;"Sticks and stones may break my bones(which seems reasonable enough)..But names will never hurt me..(But they'll crucify you!)"..Theres no escape, they'll have you wherever n' whenever you open your mouth. And because we are so decent and understanding and liberal in our noble beliefs,or is it so quick and eager to take offence, quite often it isn't the people being referred to that are offended .They may take a comment in the possible well meant spirit in which its delivered, but its other people who take offense on their behalf...

The wonderful Jezza Clarkson was caught over the other side of the world in the wilds of Australia during a Top Gear stage show..(I wonder how 'The Stig' roadtests the latest Ferrarri on a stage in a theatre/)...Jezza, the pot-bellied ,frizzy- haired idiot ,i'm sure wouldn't accuse me of being; Pot-belly'ist ; Frizzy-hairist, or idiot ist, as he is

(1) Pot bellied......................................... CHECK !

(2) Frizzy- haired (albeit a little less frizzier, but greyer, these days)..........CHECK !

(3) Idiotic (In a funny way, of course)..............................CHECK !

So that seems reasonable description of our favourite motoring celebrity. But when he tried to give an inciteful geneological,physical and psychological profile of our beloved prime minister to these ignorant Aussies who know as much about Gordon Brown as we do about their glorious leader. He described as :A one-eyed, Scottish idiot.He was in trouble. The reasons for this description:

(1) One-eyed..................................... CHECK !

(2) Scottish......................................Ohh, och aye CHECK the noo!

(3) A total f**'in' idiot......................CHECK n' double CHECK !

But from the far side of the world Jezza was adjudged to have been found guilty of being;

(1) Mono-visualist'ist...............................GUILTY !

(2) Racist...................................................GUILTY !(Sasenach swine !)

(3) Idiotistical'ist.....................................GILTEE !!

It sounds like a perfect description of the P.M. to me ,but i can say what i like as talk is cheap as long as its not free.


Everything is run by bosses and experts ,the experts tell the bosses whats happenin' on the streets and markets in their considered opinion. Bosses need to know these things as being big bosses , unlike the rest of us who work 8 hours a day with an hour for lunch, they have an hour for work and the rest for lunches and dinners. They just aren't able to involve themselves with the 'nuts and bolts 'and people involved in the business that pays their incredible incomes and mind boggling bonuses. Ironically the less you do the more you can 'rake in.'

When an aircraft is about to crash ,you don't need to be an expert in aerodynamics or aviation to understand what is going on. Everything that isn't strapped down slides down to the front of the airplane ;The ground seems to be getting nearer, as can be divined by the houses and cars getting bigger by the second; The attendants want you to ram your head between your legs???...I'm sure it's not ,as has been hinted at , to kiss your arse goodbye.But it would be a more enjoyable last few minutes if you could stick your head between somebody elses legs and kiss their arse goodbye, but i'll move on thats for another blog and 'The Lovely Lynne may read this.. In the cockpit ( this is nothing to do with heads between legs , this is where the pilot sits you twisted swines..). The pilot will realise that the day isn't going to be one of his better ones as the screaming of the jets; The spinning dials and altimeters spinning in all directions rather than hovering over where they should be. This all points to passengers and crew that the plane is in deep shit. Whereas the head of the airline authority on his extended lunch will have no knowledge of whats happening and would probably deny it was and insist that flying was still safer than crossing the road.

When fighting on the front line in a war the soldiers know when things aren't going their way. Bullets whistling past their heads ;Artillery shells exploding ;Arms ,legs, heads, guts flying everywhere. The mate you where shouting to suddenly his face and head dissapears and his helmet falls to the empty space between his collar bones. All these subtle signs would be a dead giveaway to the 'Tommies in the trenches'that they were in deep shit. But again way, way, back in a beautifully maintained country house the bosses or the 'brass' were pouring over maps and pouring the port from the well stocked cellar. oblivious to the slaughter, messages arrive from the front eventually, but the 'brass' would never go to the business end of their schemes and plans. Miss dinner and muddy their riding boots.

Like the beaten armies and crashing aircraft , all those in businesses and banks across the land knew that a hugh glob of S*H*1*T* was about to hit the fan. All except our glorious leaders the bosses holding out for the bonusses or is that bonii ? Ignore anything long enough and it will go away, so when a chap called a whistleblower ,whistles an unhappy tune of troubles ahead if we carry on down this bumpy track,which interupts the blissful ignorance of the blissfully ignorant, they must be sacked and got rid of. ...So the army gets battered and slaughterd ;The aircraft falls from the sky, Destruction ,mayhem and confussion reign......So, our heroes apologise, almost jokingly ,pick up their payoff and claim their bonus and live happily ever after ......I apologise , i take my hat off to these experts they are brilliant ,how do they get away with it?

Tuesday, 3 February 2009


The Great British work ethic is famous ,copied and admired the world over. A small rough island race, never afraid to roll up our sleeves to get our hands dirty and dig the earth and till the soil, thriving on pain, sweat and low wages and fight and win World Wars at the same time. This is part of what made us great and gave us one of the greatest empires ,ever. Nothing ,except for goverment benefits, daytime sattelite t.v and extended pub opening hours could douse that fire and indomitable spirit of the British worker.
Every body has heard of that famous equation E=MC2...Basically it means Energy equals mass ,as mass equals energy. Energy is the ability to do work. A negative energy would be the ability to stop work. It could be understood how an Asteroid weighing thousands of tons streaking through interstellar space at speeds going into fractions of millions of miles per hour would strike the Earth with such speed and mass causing such a release of energy that would explode around the planet wiping out the dinosaurs and most of the neighbours. Now negative energy from such an event would cause an amount of disruption to work, transport and the running of the country ,in general. But, thankfully we aren't going to be walloped by the incredible E and M of an asteroid impact ,not with Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood around to save us, anyhow. But we do have something with that equivalent amount of negative energy, able to bring the whole country to a dead stop within seconds .It defies the laws of physics, because although it has all this incredible energy ,it has almost NO MASS WHATSOEVER ! This wonder is the simple flake of snow !... It flutters down on the breeze from low thick clouds and as soon as itgently touches down on a main line rail with an almighty KLANG, which reverbarates throughout the rail network ,cancellations abound Nobodies going nowhere. The arrival of this snow drop is reported by Radio " and all across the land the hardy indomitable spirit of the never say die brit says "EFF-IT ! I'm not going in today" and turns over to go back to sleep.