Tuesday, 21 December 2010


Yo ho ho ( ice n' snow) ho ho (accidents) ho ho (travel chaos)ho ho ho !.......Were in a state of suspense at the moment as the 'little'un's skiing in Italy on a school trip. Will she get home to Heathrow on Thursday, or is it chrimbo in an Italian airport. We shall see!
Anyhow youse lot ,bracing yourself for the debauched sinful overindulgence as you force food n drink into your tortured body over the next fortnight sprawled in front of the telly. Ah you cant beat a good traditional christmas..(Brrrppp!....hiccc...ooops ,well we gotta start sometime!)....I hope you have a 'good un' and we'll carry on where i left off ,if we manage to survive until the 2000 n' 11.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010


I remember going into work at the hallowed halls of LIVERPOOL POLYTECHNIC and being told ,"Hey 'ave yer 'ear about JOHN LENNON getting 'is 'ead blown off by some nutter in New York?"....."Yer jokin'!"....So being the sentimental scousers we are we spent the morning in the canteen talking about it ,then pissed off to the boozer, to spend the rest of the day talking about it. We got 'hammered'. We had a good day ,sorry about Lennon and that but 'life goes on ', and 'its your round.' But LENNON N' THE BEATLES was the main topic of conversation and the general concensus was that "Well ,that F***ks up the re-union, then!". But it was an astounding day ,generally ,nobody could really believe it. I'd only bought DOUBLE FANTASY the previous day.

They had a memorial on the steps of ST GEORGES HALL, thousands were there ,but i lost count the number of times they had us all singing IMAGINE. Because of that day i still hate that bloody song. But still it was the thought that counts. Thirty years ,jeez ,thirty years on and LENNON would've been a 70 year old man. He may never grow old ,but i know i'm bloody feeling it. Ironically ,he must be reading this blog as 'MERRY CHRISTMAS, WAR IS OVER' has just started on the radio, its one of the first chrimbo songs i've heard ,i've managed to avoid the onslaught which no doubt will hit any day now.

I've been reading a few magazines about LENNON and it seems that him and PAUL MACARTNEY were on good terms for most of the time and that the BEATLES had 'messed around'in studios together on occassions which was nice to consider after all the press about the 'supposed bad blood'. And there was talk ,by LENNON of coming home to LIVERPOOL, basically to show the family 'His home.' That would've been interesting. Ah well! life goes on , leaving some behind, normally the good 'uns, but the nutjobs seem to survive, sadly. Chapman Lennons killer is trying to get released ,as hes served his time, he wont last 30 seconds outside


About 15 years ago , i was sitting on a train going down to London to a cartoonist piss up, at the CARTOONIST PUB . As i was sitting on the train i was doing a little pencil work on one of a set of greetings cards we were making at the time ,and making a fair bit of money from ...Ah the good ol' days. As i got off the train an old fellah came up to me and asked if i was a cartoonist. I told him i was and we started talking and had a coffee. He had always enjoyed doodling and sketching and had been watching me on the train, but didnt want to bother me. I told him, "Not to be so daft n' i'll be glad to be interuppted." It turned out, he was a survivor from AUSCHWITZ. His name was LEON GREENMAN and he was an English man who'd been caught up and thrown into the camp with his family. They were exterminated virtually upon arrival and Leon was put to work. He survived Auscwitz ,BUCHENWALD AND THE INFAMOUS DEATH MARCHES....I was stunned at his story, and saw his numbered tatoo on his arm. He used to send little drawings ,As above. with a note wishing me n' the family all the best. They never met him ,but he never forgot their names. He sent me a copy of his book .AN ENGLISHMAN IN AUSCWITZ. I lost contact with him after our period abroad , but on trying to get back in touch ,found he'd died a few years ago.

The other day i was watching a tv documentary with JEREMY CLARKSON, about the commando raids on ST NAZAIRE during WW11. How these men tried to blow the

sea gates off the dry dock used by the German battleship THE TIRPITZ. A truly amazing story told by these friendly mild old fellahs, who ,as Clarkson never tired of pointing out were "Hard as nails, and God, they were tough!", and i wouldnt disagree. I visited St Nazaire when i was nearby at a cartoon festival years ago and visited the dry dock and the Submarine pens. In one there is a fully restored U-BOAT. We went inside banging our heads knees and elbows on pipes ,doorframes and everything else in this tiny space. I couldnt wait to get out after 5 minutes ,but the crews were in the middle of the ATLANTIC OCEAN for weeks or months at a time.

A heap of years ago LIVERPOOL celebrated THE WESTERN APPROACHES. This was , at last the official recognition of the work of the MERCHANT SEAMEN during the ATLANTIC CONVOYS. I met a heap of old sailors and the stories they told, dear god!....My uncle who i took along served towards the end and was adrift at one point in the Atlantic.

Another uncle got the VICTORIA CROSS at TOBRUK,Fighting off one of ROMMELLS panzer units. He was a quiet shy little man and 'never mentioned the war. Another was a member of the SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE, dropped behind enemy lines , blowing stuff up and possibly killing with bare hands ,etc. I found that out as he was on his death bed. A friend of mines dad was in the CHINDITS in the BURMESE JUNGLES fighting the JAPANESE. My own dad ,was never in the war ,but was in some R.A.F. intelligence unit ,whose job was travelling around east and west Europe trying to find crashed and missing aircraft from the war. But his dad , my 'pop, served right through the WW1, from beginnig to end ,all through the big battles in the slaughter of the trenches.

The whole point of this was this is stuff that we cannot imagine, its amazing and these people lived through these hellish situations of which we thankfully will never have to. But when an old boss of mine ,years ago , gave me the advice after i'd made some disparraging remark about my dad , possibly."Ah whats that ol' fart know!"...He said he'd thought that about his own dad like that, then thought , he'd never really asked him about his life. So, they went out for a pint and he grilled his dad about his life.He couldnt believe what he'd heard. He said "try it ,it'll be worth it for you and your dad!".....So i did!....And it was.....I'm sorry i left it so late

Friday, 3 December 2010


When they said the 'heavy guns of DAVID CAMEROON(mispelt intentionally), PRINCE WILLIAM, and our lord n' leader DAVID BECKHAM were going to front our bid for hosting the world cup the response was varied. Accordind to the 'MEEJAH' it was a "cor ,wow!" from the Great British public; The Great British public, it was more of a "Oh great!"; And to all those Johnny Foreigner sorts , it was a "Who?"

The Russians had the right idea. Their political leader stayed at home, only turning up for the celebration party. Our deadbeat arse'ole of a primeminister The Great CAMEROON latched on and made sure that his greasy smiling and expensively coached camera face was on display all the time. England was promised votes and only got 2 , and one was one of our own. Actually thats a point. Why didnt the rest of our team vote?
The result was like a EUROVISION SONG CONTEST result. Maybe we should've had the 'TOGMEISTER', TERRY WOGAN himself to host our bid. But RUSSIA the biggest country in the world ,totally run by the RUSSIAN MAFIA winning, hmmmmm, who'd o' thort?

I'm sure our 'hard sell' was very good , all about our wonderful infra structure as long as it doesnt snow or rain heavily, etc, etc. What they should've pointed out to everybody was the savings to all the international squads having the games in England. Because all the international players are playing in England. So the players would all jump into their FERRARRI'S and meet up with their national team mates from around the country at a coach station , or drive straight to the ground their qualifying round was being played at. Squads neednt worry too much about hotels , as the players could go home for dinner and an early night. Flying the squads around the world wouldnt be a problem ,just the coach and his suitcase for the whole world cup.

But the dream is over , we've saved /lost billions depending if your for or against. But it cost us millions to be humiliated , so our boys can drink and deal in Zurich for a week.

DAVID BECKHAM, as it turns out seems to be a decent friendly intelligent bloke when he's interviewed on chatshows. But for some reason when players give interviews about football. The brain is totally disconnected and its the usual cliche ridden bullshit they all spout, intersperced every second word with my favourite, "AT THE END OF THE DAY!"....As if this endows whatever inane crap they're spouting with a deep philosohical profundity. David, gawd bless 'im, was being interviewed after the 'disaster', and 'the end of the day' got a real hammering.

So, thats that ! The players will be playing at -50 degrees, then 4 years later in Quattar +50 degrees. I dont think our freezer is that cold ,or our oven that hot.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010


I've this wonderful vision of the flashing police squad car light and siren wailing as it travels out of a Hollywood graveyard, mourners diving out of the way; Then up a tunnel of light; Smashing through the pearly gates, as St Paul dives out of the way; The light and siren carry on , bumping over white fluffy clouds , slamming into golden harps as angels dive all over the place. DETECTIVE FRANK DREBIN of POLICE SQUAD has arrived! Or LESLIE NIELSEN, as a few may remember him.

Any old farts in their 40's and (sadly) 50's will remember Nielsen , as he was in thousands of telly series and hundreds of films. Not starring , but as a character actor that popped up time and time again all over the place. F'rinstance he was the captain who went and overturned the ship in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE. I dont think he was always a baddie ,but quite often a sneaky wealthy bad guy up to no good with the hero of whatever series it was.

Apparently when they were going to make AIRPLANE the producers didnt want comedians , but straight faced actors and Nielsen was one of the best and proved it. The short lived POLICE SQUAD spawned the NAKED GUN films and a heap of spoofs , hated by the all important critics ,but beloved by the buying public, but they dont matter , its the critics who know best, cos' they're proffessionals, and get their DVD's free, so can afford to be dismissive of every film they have to watch. Who cant like films with lines like .."Is this some kind o bust?"...."Yeah its very impressive ,but we need to ask some questions!"