Thursday, 31 July 2008


The other day, on the radio there was a story about some African country, possibly that nice Mr Mugabe's part of the world. They decided that 'runaway inflation' would have to be arrested along with a good chunk of the population. Those eagle-eyed financial wizards figured that it was getting out of hand when a loaf of bread hit, get this...EIGHT THOUSAND BILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!....Not bad, eh? That's an 8 with a lot of noughts after it.(a damn sight more noughts to the right of the number ,than the average workers earn, i'd imagine.). This means that the land where bananas come from, has the most exspensive banana butties in the world! It is these noughts ,which are not only the problem, but could be the cure. The finely honed economical minds in charge have decided to cut off the noughts from these fantastic numbers to make them into a little more respectable numbers. The noughts wont be stuck onto the wage figures,(unless its to the left of the number). That is unless its the politicians wages.(That'll be to the right of the very big number).
Our politicians aren't as sneaky and of as lateral turn of mind as our African friends, they just carry on boosting the cost of everything up, dont pay us any more to pay for everything, but make sure they can afford everything by boosting their money up more than enough to keep well ahead of the rest of us peasants struggling to earn our daily bread n' banana butty.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008


After a short break over the 'pond' in the 'Good ol' US of A, i come back bearing , not gifts , but warnings. When your over there and you need to go for a well earned crap/No2/Dump, or plain good ol Shit, be prepared for the shock of your life. You see, the problem is, that here in G.B and Ireland we have a certain design of toilet, which has a little 'hole 'at the bottom with a little water in, leading to the drains, etc. So, when we Brits deposit our deposits in the deep bowl, it all goes out of sight around the U-Bend. So, no matter how hard you've been pumping , squeezing, forcing, pushing, grunting and, on occassions screaming, the 'bowl/ pan' never seems to have that much in. A yank of the handle, a flush of water, a little gurgling and' good as new'.

The American bowl is a lot shallower and holds a lot more water in the bowl above the exit point, i don't know if the yanks have U-Bends. But the immediate effect of this difference in design is that the displaced contents of your intestines,et al, do not disappear 'around the bend'. This means that you get to see how much 'shit' you are actually full of and able to pump out. And it is truly terrifying. Peter Cook once asked, "Did you know you've got 14 miles of tubing inside your body".Well, looking at the contents of an American Bog, you can believe it. Even what feels like the smallest' squit', is actually a massive amount. There are some things you don't want to know, much as you lot probably don't wish to know about all of this. But i'm just providing a public service, promoting our public conveniences over the Yankee bog. God bless the British toilet, i say.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008


Today is St Swithins day, the patron saint of lost causes....Which some people might say ,'was quite apt', as, today, St Swithins day is my birthday!Upon this very day a vast number of years ago. (1960, there, work that out yerself, yer thick bastards.) Your hero was born in the fair city of Liverpool. It was all black n' white, then. And the Beatles hadn't even been invented; Doctor Who wasn't even thought of; And condoms, were made of lorry tyre rubber and nobody bothered to use 'em as they were next to useless. So today ,as i can see the 'big 5-OOOOOHHH,( or is it AAAAAAARRRGGGHH?) looming fairly close, and looming ever closer on the temporal horizon. I'll have a quite lazy day, much like yesterday, and probably tomorrow. You can't have too much excitment when you get to my age. Not that there's much chance of that in the wild un-tamed badlands of Warrington. But my daughter(the little 'un), she's bustin' a gut with excitment. She shares, or has taken over my birthday ,for lost causes, as we share the same birthday. She's a little younger than me, mind.

The Lovely Lynne's got a highly classiffied birthday in 11 days time. Even i don't know for sure her exact age, as when we first met she was 35 for about 5 years, which confused the issue. There's nothing more confusing and complex than a womans age, anyhow...There, that'll put me right in the dog house, even if it is my birthday.

Friday, 11 July 2008


Apparently the big rip in the ozone layer threatening all life on the planet isn't 'cos of the carbon footprint our(incredibley over-taxed) 4x4 people carriers have been pumping out. But it's all down to the moo-cows in the feild chewing happily away on their cud. And even more happily farting away. It is the methane they're pumping away that is going to destroy the world. It's not going to be the Russians or the iranians going to blow us up,( lets not forget the yanks, they'd be upset to be left out whenever Doomsday comes about). The cows in the feild are going to destroy us. We cook them, as burgers by irradiating them in microwave ovens. So, they get their own back by irradiating us by turning the planet into a giant microwave oven by destroying the ozone layer, so eventually,on a slightly longer timer setting. We'll all be cooked like our friends the moo-cows.
But is it fair to blame it all on the the cattle? There is a lot more human beings on the planet then cattle. Humans are basically the same when it comes to personal habits ,esspecially when they are alone. How often have you lay on the couch and 'Let one rip', and 'Had a good smell',thinking "That was a good'un." Or even in bed. Stuck your head under the blanket for a 'sniff',cos your 'trumps' smell lovely, unlike everybody elses, cos they just stink' something awful'. Go on, admit it ,you've all done it, ya filthy creatures. Except for me, the Lovely Lynne does tho', she's shocking!...But the amount of methane that(you) all pump up, must be equal, if not in excess of the moo-cow methane. So, in a way we're committing a very long drawn out very smelly(except for mine) mass murder/genocide/suicide/destruction of the planet, with our methane bum print.

As the atmosphere fills up with the human races and cattles stale farts, the world becomes a dangerous place for a different reason. Remember the warnings at petrol stations against 'Naked flames and using mobile phones'? The flame and phone could cause the petrol fumes to ignite and blow the place to hell. The world is turning into a petrol station forecourt due to the rising levels of 'Fart Gas' in the atmosphere.

I still remember when i was a school boy and was told the incredulous news that ,"YOU COULD LIGHT A FART!" There are certain events that alter your world, forever. We laughed and scoffed disbelievingly, until after a few days the bearer of this amazing scientific discovery on the bus from school, dropped his pants. Lit a match, and after a little grunting and straining, 'let one rip'. And ,amazingly a little blue flame blew out. He yelled, we laughed, the girls squealed, and the world would never be the same again. It turned out the reason our intrepid 'test farter' yelled, was bacause he'd had what could be termed a blowback. This unfortunate event singed his 'ringpeice'. For the following week he couldn't sit down straight. He could sit on his left buttock, or his right, but not on both. A brave lad, a scientific pioneer, if ever there was one. He suffered to bring knowledge, enlightenment and a nasty smell to mankind.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008


Just recently theres been a burst of concerts. There was the Mandella bash at Wembley and , of course there was the annual mudbath at Glasto'. But the little bits i watched was noticable, for me, anyhow by the number of arm waving girls sitting on their 'knob'ead' boyfriends shoulders. I absolutly hate them. I would like to attend the shows with a high powered rifle and blow them off their beloved 'knob'eads' shoulders. Why you may well ask do i harbour this seemingly unreasonable hatred of these bright young things in the midst of having a good time. It is a perfectly reasonable question, one which i shall endeaver to address, or even answer.
It was once upon a decade ago, that a certain Sir Paul Macca, McCartney was playing at the Kings Dock in the fair city of Liverpool. A lovely bright warm sunny evening. Macca had introduced a pile of the Beatle songs into his repetoir, after years of not being allowed to play many of them,for some Micheal Jacko'Jackson thing, or other. And, of course there was all the Wings stuff, which i've always liked. All in all it was shaping into a cracker of a show. When, Acouple of girls, about 50 yards in front were hoisted onto their beloved 'Knob'eads'shoulders. The result was that for about 50-100 yards behind them was a line of people whose exspensive view of Sir Macca was replaced by these stupid bitches waving their arms about. Eventually the waves of hatred and more then a few passed comments had the desired effect and the beloved 'knob'eads' shoulders were rapidly cleared. So, whenever i see those stupid bitches at the concerts, i see the line of people in the long 'shadow' behind them and can imagine the waves of hate hammering into her thickskinned backside.
Nowadays , aside from those aforementioned silly cows and beloved 'Knob'ead'. Nowadays, we have everybody who attends these massive spectacles, concerts, parades, space shuttle launches, etc, etc, etc. Instead of watching and enjoying the experiance, it has to be recorded and watched through a half inch square screen on a raised mobile phone. So instead of short arses like my small but perfectly formed self just having to contend with straining to see around peoples heads. The problem has been compounded by ,in addittion to their stupid fat heads, they're holding their arms with mobile phones straight up over n' above. So they have the event recorded for posterity on a tiny screen you need to squint to see and strain to hear. Why not enjoy the splendour of the moment and remember. On the mobile, it will never seem that spectacular, but your memory and imagination will, over the years add to its size and grandeur creating an experiance that could never be bettered,( even when you were actually there,) except when you are telling people about it in years to come. And i think people'd rather sit n' listen to your experiances over a drink then sit and watch your mobile phone movies.