Friday, 11 July 2008


Apparently the big rip in the ozone layer threatening all life on the planet isn't 'cos of the carbon footprint our(incredibley over-taxed) 4x4 people carriers have been pumping out. But it's all down to the moo-cows in the feild chewing happily away on their cud. And even more happily farting away. It is the methane they're pumping away that is going to destroy the world. It's not going to be the Russians or the iranians going to blow us up,( lets not forget the yanks, they'd be upset to be left out whenever Doomsday comes about). The cows in the feild are going to destroy us. We cook them, as burgers by irradiating them in microwave ovens. So, they get their own back by irradiating us by turning the planet into a giant microwave oven by destroying the ozone layer, so eventually,on a slightly longer timer setting. We'll all be cooked like our friends the moo-cows.
But is it fair to blame it all on the the cattle? There is a lot more human beings on the planet then cattle. Humans are basically the same when it comes to personal habits ,esspecially when they are alone. How often have you lay on the couch and 'Let one rip', and 'Had a good smell',thinking "That was a good'un." Or even in bed. Stuck your head under the blanket for a 'sniff',cos your 'trumps' smell lovely, unlike everybody elses, cos they just stink' something awful'. Go on, admit it ,you've all done it, ya filthy creatures. Except for me, the Lovely Lynne does tho', she's shocking!...But the amount of methane that(you) all pump up, must be equal, if not in excess of the moo-cow methane. So, in a way we're committing a very long drawn out very smelly(except for mine) mass murder/genocide/suicide/destruction of the planet, with our methane bum print.

As the atmosphere fills up with the human races and cattles stale farts, the world becomes a dangerous place for a different reason. Remember the warnings at petrol stations against 'Naked flames and using mobile phones'? The flame and phone could cause the petrol fumes to ignite and blow the place to hell. The world is turning into a petrol station forecourt due to the rising levels of 'Fart Gas' in the atmosphere.

I still remember when i was a school boy and was told the incredulous news that ,"YOU COULD LIGHT A FART!" There are certain events that alter your world, forever. We laughed and scoffed disbelievingly, until after a few days the bearer of this amazing scientific discovery on the bus from school, dropped his pants. Lit a match, and after a little grunting and straining, 'let one rip'. And ,amazingly a little blue flame blew out. He yelled, we laughed, the girls squealed, and the world would never be the same again. It turned out the reason our intrepid 'test farter' yelled, was bacause he'd had what could be termed a blowback. This unfortunate event singed his 'ringpeice'. For the following week he couldn't sit down straight. He could sit on his left buttock, or his right, but not on both. A brave lad, a scientific pioneer, if ever there was one. He suffered to bring knowledge, enlightenment and a nasty smell to mankind.

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