Tuesday, 16 November 2010


All these years i've lived a good unhealthy ,butch manly existance.....Eaten n' drunk too much too often;Passed wind from all the windswept orifices; Sat n' scratched myself in company and been a general slob n' arse'ole, in other words a healthy 'male of the species'. Nowhere near the "in touch with his feminine side " for Timothy B Leatherbarrow, no sirree!(And ,no ,i'm not going to tell you what the B stands for.)....Well, that was until the other day!

I was stood in the fair city of LIVERPOOL watching the world go by. I happened to watch a lot of sexy stylish ladies saunter by , this couldnt be helped, as a large percentage of the 'passing world' are girlies. Another thing about these fashionable gurlies, is that the STILETTO HEEL has returned with avengance, not only that but the heel in combination with a platform sole , adding even more height to an already highly dangerous style of footwear.
I have to admit to being fascinated by the ladies ,admittedly some tottering ,but a lot walking very gracefully .Watching (as if i have a choice) ,CELEBRITY COME DANCING, I'm amazed at the ladies leaping and spinning across the floor. I watched MAGGIE Q, in a tv series called NIKITA, she was booting the shit out of a group of fellahs while wearing the highest heels i've ever seen. I couldnt believe you could stand on them, never mind do flying spinning back kicks and stuff like that. I have suddenly got this urge to walk in a pair of these things. I know that within seconds i'll be lying on the floor screaming in agony with compound fractures of my ankles and legs. I'm not turning transexual or nothing, no dresses or 'sussies' or naughty underwear ,or anything like that . ...Well, for now any way ,never say never n' all that. I'll stick to imagining tottering about in my stiletto's

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


Over the years all of us who've done a bit of whizzing around the world on airplanes have experianced the joy of queuing for hours on end while our ,toothpaste;Bottles of water;After shave and stinky stuff bottles; Tubes of lotions; nail clippers;Pen knives,just about sharp enough to cut paper is all confiscated for the safety and security of one n' all. In the never ending fight against terrorists taking over planes, we cant take chances. One of these maniacs threatening the crew with nasal hair clippers to stay back and do as they're told as he primes his underpants . You have to understand that terrorist technology has moved with the times and they have refined the art of exploding things like underpants, socks n' shoes. So, is nothing safe? Obviously not as we've had a spate of suspected bombs on a few planes, over the last few days.
But it turns out all the security we've been forced through was an ,almost, total waste of time. Unless you had a big black ball with a fuse sticking out the top, and the word BOMB written on the side in big white letters, they had no real way of knowing for sure if there was explosives on board.It all seems to be just another blast of "LETS BE SEEN TO BE DOING SOMETHING FOR THE GOOD OF THE BRITISH VOTERS-NESS!!!"...By our beloved politicians, gawd bless their expense bought cotton socks.
The thing that stuns me is that ,as the conversation on various news programmes goes on about the possibility of the average air traveller being blown to bits at 30,000 feet or so, which is bad enough to spoil anyones day. The subject is changed from the possible bloodshed-type problems, to the much more important POLITICAL PROBLEMS this would cause to CAMERON n' OBAMA......If ,god forbid i do find myself being sucked out of the fuselage of an aircraft at 50000 feet , a few thousand miles from the nearest land.....Well Cameron and Obama ,you have my sympathy!

Monday, 1 November 2010


The other day the LEATHERBARROW rabble went shopping in the fair city of LIVERPOOL. Normally ,i trail along behind the LOVELY LYNNE like a good husband, faithful n' true. Actually thats not totally true. If i walk in front, she gets sidetracked by everything in every window she saunters past. Leaving me to march manfully on, until i turn to say something witty and profound, only to discover she's not there. This is a pain in the arse ,as obviously, i love her dearly and worry whats happened to her n' the little 'un in the hard brutal times we live in. That ,and the fact , she's driving and i cant get home without her.
Lynne is murder to go shopping with and i couldnt stand it any more after a few hours with her, me mam n' the little 'un. So, THE LOVELY LYNNE, gawd bless her cotton tights suggested i go for a drink and she'd meet me. So, for you SCOUSE boozin' sorts. I went into the CARNARVON CASTLE, just off CHURCH STREET. Its a little boozer, but do a nice pint of GUINNESS and i partook....Then again.....And again......
Now waiting for the missus to return from shopping in a pub seems a good idea, but it can be dangerous. Your stood at the bar minding your own business, absolutly no idea if your going to be there for half n' hour, or 3 hours....And ,aside from a few brief asides to others about you, you've nothing to do ,but drink. Then eventually ,you notice somebody who arrived around the same time as you, getting a little rowdy, and it occurs to you that, "Shit!..I'm knockin' it back a bit"....But i'm not of strong enough character and resolve to order a soft drink. I'm in the boozer 'till my beloved throws me over her shoulder and carries me home to the dog house, so may as well make the most of it.........."CAN I HAVE ANUDDER PINT O' GINNISSS OVER 'ERE , LUV, PLEESE ...UUUUUURRRRPPPPP!!!!!!!".....Do you know i could get to like shopping.


The other day my darling daughter was all excited 'cos her friend was coming over to stay the night , or have a 'sleep over'. When they arrived ,there was a little talking and giggling ,then they sat down in different rooms huddled over those 'damned, bloody effin' GAME BOY computer games. All i could see was the back of the game boy; a pair of hunched shoulders; And a mass of hair hanging down between them. No words were passed ,just a mass of bleeps ,blarps ,bloops , etc, etc. Thouroughly puzzled ,baffled and befuddled by this very strange scenario. I commented, or ,as THE LOVELY LYNNE, would argue , i shouted....."What the hell is going on?..Your best mates here and you havent spoken two words and your not even sitting in the same bloody room, fer christs sake!"....Lynne informed me that they didnt need to do any of these things, as they were playing a game with each other on the two game boys... I rolled my eyes and remembered how 'As a lad' if i had any mates around the house ,we'd damn near wreck the joint. And wouldnt stop talking 'till exhaustion set in, or my dad threatened to kill us if we didn' ''Shut the 'eff!', up''.
But i hate that bloody GAMEBOY, it hooks into her brain and communication of any kind is totally useless and an utter waste of time. I just get this uncontrollable urge to smash it to bits. I'm told my daughter ,ELARA is very pretty, but its been so long since i've seen her face, i cant actually agree or disagree. I imagine she must be ok, coming from good breeding stock as me and the LOVELY LYNNE, she's not bad a bad looker, i must admit, and i'm relatively gorgeous, so she must be quite pretty, unless she's taken after the dog.