BOOM BANG-A-BANG AIRLINES.....

Over the years all of us who've done a bit of whizzing around the world on airplanes have experianced the joy of queuing for hours on end while our ,toothpaste;Bottles of water;After shave and stinky stuff bottles; Tubes of lotions; nail clippers;Pen knives,just about sharp enough to cut paper is all confiscated for the safety and security of one n' all. In the never ending fight against terrorists taking over planes, we cant take chances. One of these maniacs threatening the crew with nasal hair clippers to stay back and do as they're told as he primes his underpants . You have to understand that terrorist technology has moved with the times and they have refined the art of exploding things like underpants, socks n' shoes. So, is nothing safe? Obviously not as we've had a spate of suspected bombs on a few planes, over the last few days.

But it turns out all the security we've been forced through was an ,almost, total waste of time. Unless you had a big black ball with a fuse sticking out the top, and the word BOMB written on the side in big white letters, they had no real way of knowing for sure if there was explosives on board.It all seems to be just another blast of "LETS BE SEEN TO BE DOING SOMETHING FOR THE GOOD OF THE BRITISH VOTERS-NESS!!!"...By our beloved politicians, gawd bless their expense bought cotton socks.

The thing that stuns me is that ,as the conversation on various news programmes goes on about the possibility of the average air traveller being blown to bits at 30,000 feet or so, which is bad enough to spoil anyones day. The subject is changed from the possible bloodshed-type problems, to the much more important POLITICAL PROBLEMS this would cause to CAMERON n' OBAMA......If ,god forbid i do find myself being sucked out of the fuselage of an aircraft at 50000 feet , a few thousand miles from the nearest land.....Well Cameron and Obama ,you have my sympathy!

TONY BLAIR: BOOZE, POLITICS N' THE ROCK N' POLL LIFESTYLE...HE TOOK US TO WAR, BUT WORSE HE TOOK HIS TIE OFF AND UNBUTTONED HIS COLLAR!!!!!

TONY BLAIR GIVES IT TO GORDON BROWN......A signed copy of his autobiography, hot off the press!

Todays the day, the day when our once beloved glorious leader, TONY BLAIR has his autobiography released. The pavements outside of bookshops all around the country will be full of news reporters reporting how theres nobody queuing for 'Tonys Tome'. I'm sure the tale ,entitled 'A JOURNEY' will be a fascinating read. Apparently he's upset at soldiers getting killed in a war he sent them to; He hates GORDON BROWN. Apparently he's a bastard, etc, etc. Now thats the stuff people want. Vitreol and hatred and spite and a smattering of blame . Tony,like all great celebrities also hit the bottle ....POLITICS, THE NEW ROCK N' POLL!(sorry!). As Tony not exactly hitting the excesses we ussually hear about from our beloved celebrities. He'd have a G&T, then a few wines after dinner. I do that before dinner and i've never ran the country.

I get to order the dog to get out from time to time, thats the limit of my power and influence. Tony's away in the states pushing the book during his highly paid lecture tours. Apparently this very evening, our hero is having dinner with BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT( The afro-Irish president). Poor ol' OBAMA is going to get a copy of Tony's Tome wether he likes it or not.

Aside from all the 'stuff' he did when he was in charge. There is one thing i cannot forgive him for. Even worse than the military hell he's left us in. It is the ,taking off of his tie ;Undoing his top button;Taking his jacket off; And rolling up his sleeves. When in office, he created and cultivated his own Tony's Team...BLAIRS BABES,etc.He was surrounded by PR sorts; SPIN DOCTORS, advisors ,etc, etc. One day one of these bright young things came into Tonys office bubbling with excitment. Not with a way of fixing the health system , or sort inflation ,etc. No,Something much more important. An image issue. "Prime Minister ,the next time you give a speech ,take your tie off and even ,if possible your jacket then people can see that as you roll up your sleeves ,your one of the people, determined and willing to get down and dirty with all the voters."Tony must've though"WoW!"...."Thats really, really brilliant, guys!"Happy and relieved that he wouldnt have to work on something important, this was something to make him look good, so off came the tie.....DAVID CAMERON, who modelled himself on Tony also Whisked the tie and the jacket off. GORDON BROWN the LABOUR leader was a bit more CONSERVATIVE and settled just for the removal of his tie.Now ,every damned politician in the country, whenever they are speaking ,are always open collared. Even if every single other person in the hall has a tie on. It really pisses me off these politicians trying to be like normal blokes. They're not ,they are politicians ,they arent even human. And they can claim a nice silk tie on expences.

AMERICAN GENERALS WITH BIG MOUTHS !...DONT APOLOGISE ITS TRADITIONAL!!!!!!.....

Its always good to see , in these days of uncompromising change that old traditions are surviving and are indeed alive and well. One in particular. The one that all American military men have big mouths. In times past they've had generals spouting off, chewing cheroots and walking around with pearl handled six guns. Not like British generals, of course. Mind you ,ol' MONTY wasn't backwards in coming forewards and his battles with our allied generals from across the pond was a lot more bitter and nasty then the battles he waged against the might of the German forces.
The boss of the AFGHANISTAN conflict was a certain GENERAL McCHRYSTAL. A quiet man, apparently. And with his background in BLACK OP'S, and SPECIAL FORCES,etc,etc this quietness could come in handy, blacked up behind enemy lines. But now he's a desk bound cigar chomping 567 star general he goes about his duties with his own war correspondant in tow. I never thought of ROLLING STONE magazine having a war correspondant, out side of Hollywood and the Oscars. But with the reporters in tow this ,obviously not so smart leader of men starts voicing opinions about his president and various suited and uniformed bosses in the white house and the Pentagon. I find it funny that all these unfairly berated(i'm sure) 'Sons of Bitches' actually read The Rolling Stone. A copy in the Oval Office and the War -Room of the Pentagon.
And so, our big mouth brave hero is summoned home, grovelling apologies, but, alas to no avail, as BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT(the Afro-irish president of the us)..Is a man reborn and revived, with the bit betwixt his big smiley pearly white teeth. He's fighting wars; Oil companies; The world economy,without breaking a sweat. One big mouth general who called him a name aint gonna give O'Barnpot any trouble ,oh no way, man! So as i type this rubbish Ex- General McChrystal is picking up his first dole cheque, or starting flipping hamburgers somewhere.

LETS SHUTTLE CRAFT OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND FLY INTO SPACE WITH THE RUSSIANS!!!!...(Or...Eeeer!...Baikonur, ve haveski a problemski!)

Being a cartoonist ,i'm obviously financially well-off. And having the lovely Lynne running the banking system of the country(i must point out , its not the part thats nose- dived deep into the s**t, and your having to pay to dig out, but the good bank thats alright and the sun is still shining on.)...But between us ,gosh n' golly we're absolutly loaded, absolutly 'rolling in it(?)......So ,as a nice easter present she paid for me to be a 'SPACE TOURIST'. Great stuff, magical even ,until we tried to book a SPACE SHUTTLE on SPACE SHUTTLE RESERVATIONS.COM. It was then to my shock n' horror and severe dissapointment and disbelief i discovered that Americas first Irish ,Afro- President BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT Had cancelled the Space Shuttle programme. So, instead of a few days in Florida at Universal studios and Disneyland ,before going to CAPE CANAVERAL and blasting of into orbit on ATLANTIS....I would have to go to a desert in Russia. In the middle of this desolate nowhere land is a particually desolate piece of nowhere, where stands a particually delapodated ,slightly rusty looking heap of tanks ,pipes and scaffolding. This is BAIKONUR COSMODROME.Where the Russians launch their Soyuz space craft from. I was shown the craft which due to the fact theres no money, hasn't been updated since the 1960's.... I noticed scratched on the entry hatch ..Y. GAGARIN WOZ ERE '61.

Whereas, the Americans check n' treble check their craft right up until launch. The Russians walk around it; Whack it a few times with a hammer; Have a small religous blessing, then whack a few vodkas down...Apparently thats the only way they can get the crew on board.

Eventually we were on board and all of a sudden there was loud banging and thuds and high pressure steamvalves exploding. yes it was 'lift off'! The cockpit shook and rattled, i thought my teeth were going to crack into fragments, must remember not to spit them out if they do. The weightless bits of incisor and molar might bite somebodies eye out....International relations are tricky enough things to maintain. And an Eastern eye poked out by Western Capitalistic teeth n 'fillings could herald WORLD WAR 3. But suddenly the noise and shaking eased slightly. The Captain pointed his thumb over his shoulder and one of the crew shovelled some more coal into the boiler to give the ship a little more thrust to push us into orbit.

As we floated about the cockpit(clang..My head).....I peered through the mucky window with sqashed flies plastered across it and could just about see the Earth. (clang....My Knee!).......Eventually we approached the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.... It looked like a model of the brass bedstead in BEDKNOBS N' BROOMSTICKS' made from metal toilet roll holders....The design consultant could've been VALERIE SINGLETON during her BLUE PETER days which were round about when the Russian space fleet was designed. As i looked up(clang...my head)..At the docking tunnel i could see scrapes, dints and dents all around it. The captain laughed "Ah pilot has too much of the wodka,da!". I've a week on board this tubular contraption floating around (clang, clang, clang clang.....head, knee, elbow....etc,etc,etc.) Working out how to force space food into my mouth and then trying to figure out how to get rid of it from the other end...

I couldnt wait to finally float down towards the cool blue waters of the Pacific ocean under a canopy of parachutes. Until it was explained to me that the Russians specialised in HARD LANDINGS....Landing in the middle of the desert. Just before make contact with the ground they fire booster rockets to slow the craft down to ease contact ,apparently it works quite well, sometimes......It was then that i noticed how strange tears look in weightless conditions as i burst out crying and begged somebody to pass the wodka!!!!!!