Tuesday, 24 November 2009


Once not long ago the solar system was totally airless and waterless. Now we've discovered atmospheres ,however thin on various moons and planets, but more amazing we've found water on , well every where we've looked. The moon , originally totally void of everything has been found to have water. No atmosphere ,virtually absolute zero temperatures and theres water. Mars also full of the stuff. The moon Europa under a thin layer of ice ,is supposed to be a salty sea with volcanic vaults heating the water and very similar conditions to volcanic reigions way down at the depths of our oceans, where ,supposedly nothing can exist, but has recently been found to be teeming with various life forms, so Europa becomes the main favourite in the solar system for life. In fact ,Arthur C Clarkes book of 2001, is about aliens giving man the means to explore and colonise the solar system, but to leave Europa alone. Europa's surface is not joined to the planetary core ,seperated by the water layer the moons surface rotates at a different rate to its core, betcha' didn't know that did ya? It seems theres so much water knocking about there should be a hugh rainbow stretching across the solar system.
Its only recently that they've found all this water with various probes dropping or crashing into the lunar or martian surfaces. Thats why BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT,the afro irish president of the US ofA ,got his nobel peace prize ,cos he didnt fire any missiles on Earth, but blasted 2 into the Moons south pole, so if the face of the 'man in the moon' is looking shocked and slightly cross eyed, well, so would you with 2 rockets exploded up your 'jacksy'!..And if they did they'd find a lot more than water, methinks.
I still think its all fantastic. the other day i was looking at pictures of the VIKING lander all those years ago of the martian surface, and they still take my breath away. I wanted the LOVELY LYNNE to paper the walls with these martian horizons, but typical woman, she refused. I suppose it would look a little odd with the martian horizon with a central heater and couches and telly. I s'pose the picture if the VIKING had landed in some martian living room.

Monday, 23 November 2009


Being fat n' lazy is by far the most and natural human condition, but with politicians ,celebrities, supermodels,Trinny and Suzanna, etc, etc, all pushing healthy diets and slim figures and god forbid fitness at us being a lazy get is, saddly frowned upon, its not trendy and 'in', but one day it'll come back 'in', what goes aroun, comes around, oh happy days. Fitness is a horrible condition as it takes a lot of work and effort which nobody really likes having to do. You go into the leisure centres, i dont know why they call them leisure centres. I mean to me leisure is taking it easy, passing time relaxing, having a good drink, whatever, not pushing my cardiovascular and respiratory levels through the roof. Names like Fitness world, much more Hernia land or bust a gut world or gasp centre. It is a totally surreal experiance going into these places and seeing brightly, trendily attired men and women , running ,walking, stepping, pushing ,pulling, bending, thrusting, grunting, gasping, shouting and occassionally breaking down in tears. Very leisurely.
But the outdoor training, the more natural, running from A-B, or cycling. I've never enjoyed running. I played footy and rugby and was a fair old sprinter, but with an ankle injury and a loathing of jogging i dont run, but i do have a bike and was getting back into good long rides before the weather 'set in.' The roads are dangerous enough, a lot worse than i seem to remember from when 'i were a lad.' The main problem i have is with the bloody toe clips on the pedals. Without them you could mount your bike like a cowboy mounting his horse, but with the clips you have to position yourself astride the seat, put one foot in and then push off. When your moving ,you have to flip the other clip over to insert your other foot in. Sometimes,'Dead easy!', no sweat, whatsoever. But other times, your flipping the pedal time and time again, looking down at the damn pedal. Then your alerted by such give away signs like car horns ,or even truck air horns blaring at you as you've wobbled into the middle of the dual carriageway. Looking up to the the cars , not only behind you, but coming at you.
There is a road nearby where they filmed,'DEATH RACE 2000'... The drivers get points for all the pedestrians and bikeriders they can run over. I was on the pavement trying to get my clips on when i suddenly found myself crashing arse over tit throuh thorns and bushes. I crawled battered and scratched out onto the pavement trying to unravel the bike from the undergrowth, and desperatly trying to retain some dignity by looking from side to side to see if anyone had noticed, my cycling hiccup. When i finally got branches out of the spokes,and staunced my bleeding from copious cuts and scratches, etc and set off, for about 50 yards and thebike started bumping and rattling along. I'd gone and burst my 'f***'in' tyre. Just as well the bike was a lightweight frame as i had to carry it the rest of the way home. I was buggered if, i was going to take the tyre off and sit by a bowl of water trying to mend my puncture, thats for schoolboys, i took it to the shop and it was fixed in minutes, had to pay, but we've got to help the small buisnessman and keep the economy afloat and stay fit.But i'm still tempted to get rid of them toe clips.

Thursday, 19 November 2009


TThe winter officially started with the X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing assaulting our tellie over every dark cold rainy windswept weekend night, but now its the official run-in to christmas as the new series of 'I'm a Celebrity , get me out of here'. Or more like "If your a celebrity , get outta here!" As a heap of nobodies and deadbeats from other reality shows;cooking and house decorating shows; A couple of once upon a time sports stars, etc, etc.Theres a couple that my long time since it had a finger on it pulse(!!!) recognised: Sam Fox, The fave page 3 years ago, i think she was ousted by Linda Lusardi, who's now an ex soap star, as Sam's an ex pop star, has anyone got, or even seen the albums?...Ah the glamour!
Hollywood legendary walking suntan ,George Hamilton with his luminous teeth. He'll be a nuisance at night as all the bugs and creepy crawlies will cross the jungle along with bigger beasties with bigger teeth, all attracted by the light of Georges teeth. But he'll be fine in one of the tasks in a pitch black cave full of rats, etc. All he has to do is smile and the cave will be lit up, bright as day.
My favourite was the news that Katie Price,a.k.a.Jordan wasgoing to return to the jungle. Last time she met her ex-husband,wonder what the jungles got in store for our super 'celeb' this time.The news footage said how she was on five times the money everyone else was on, can't you feel the love she's after already. But as she was filmed always with her blueberry/blackberry, whatever firmly clamped to her lug'ole,as a true'celeb' should. On the way to 'oz, she stopped at L.A. to get her nails done and her hair extensions, extended. Its an old S.A.S. jungle survival technique. I'm just suprised the airlines let her above 10,000 feet in case her boobies( they're not real, y' know) exploded, if one of them went off, never mind two, they'd blow a 747 out of the sky.
Jimmy White was never a sex symbol of the snooker world, but age hasn't been too kind to him.You could say he's gone to pot! And as i type away ,Joe Bugner has come on. Telling the rest about all the Australian beasties as he's lived in 'oz' for years and as EVERYTHING in Australia is specifically designed to kill you, he unintentionally scared the shit out of them.
The only bit i like is Ant n' Dec, it is very annoying as much as i try i can't hate them. In fact i watched their film ALIEN AUTOPSY, which, actually was quite good.

Monday, 16 November 2009


The hardest toughest meanest fellah on the telly has gone and popped his clogs, the wonderful EDWARD WOODWARD has died. People think of tough mean spies like James Bond and Jason Bourne, etc, but the meanest and most ruthless was a fellah in an old suit ,a battered macintosh and a wooly scarf tied in the old fashioned way your dad and grandad would've tied it ,not the trendy way of tying scarves beloved of every 'celeb' these days. He had one friend ,a pathetic smelly little man called 'Lonely', who ,when he wasn't beating him up, used to remark on his lack of personal hygene as he gulped his whiskey, as he liked a drink a little too much .None of your 'Vodka martini, shaken not stirred ', for this fellah, but a pint and a large whisky. This was CALLAN....An assassin for a deniable section of the secret service. Everybody remembers the swinging lightbulb which swung over the opening morose music, then the single shot smashing a mirror with Callans reflection. Anthony valentine ,wonderfully vicious and nasty as Toby Meres, Callans partner, even though they couldnt stand the sight of each other. And the late Russell Hunter as Lonely.

He did a film ,THE WICKER MAN, which was a B-film until it attained cult status to become a classic. I thought Woodward was great,but the all singing dancing CHRISTOPHER LEE took more than i was able to give, to get my head around that.I nearly killed a nephew when he said it was a rip off, of the NICHOLAS CAGE film. Another cracker was a court room drama in the Boer war, BREAKER MORANT, based on a true story.

Callans original story 'A MAGNUM FOR SCHNEIDER' was made as a film. And a few years later Callan was back in a one off telly film, THE WET JOB.....No, He hadn't gone into the porn biz, it wasn't mucky, just had to come out of retirement and murder someone, as you do.

Then he became THE EQUALISER, which gave him a chance to drive around the streets of New York in a nice Jag and blow the baddies to bits.It brought fame fortune and a couple of heartattacks. From cleaning the streets of New York he came back to England to clean the streets of an English town in a corporation bin wagon inCOMMON AS MUCK. But he was in tons of stuff ,always had that mean steely eyed Callan look, even took over CI5 when they did the NEW PROFFESSIONALS. But that in a shell casing is one of my favourites, MR EDWARD WOODWARD(Even if his name did sound like a fart in a bath.)

Tuesday, 10 November 2009


As any fule kno, grate britin hav produsd many grate writrs. billy shakspere, charlie dikins and, of corse, me ....Nigel Molesworth..the curse of St Custards and gorila of 3b. i rote a heep of books abowt my xperinses at the strikt st custards which like all skools is uterly wet and weedy. but i was sentunced to all thos years in the jug to akquire culture and keep my brane kleen and ayd me to make it to the topp in this attommic age we live in. hem, hem..but aftr years of xperiances with headmasters and kanes,lat,french, geog, hist, algy, geom, chiz,chiz,....skool masters, skool dogs, skool sossages, my bro molesworth 2, fothering (hello clouds hello sky)thomas, I , being an ace reporter told uplifting tales of the brav fight of the boyz,wizz,wizz,who r brave feerless, noble ,etc, etc, also the swots, bulys, cissies, milksops, greedyguts, and oiks, hem, hem....
Grown ups r wot hapens to boyz when skool is finished. So i thort with my St Custards edukatin i would have to find something i wuld be qwalified for and i find it in politiks . i thort i would change my name to Gordon Brown and become ded importent in the gov. And when my best frend Tony Bluur, who is totaly wet and weedy with a fase like a squished tomato and to many teeth and always smiling like a weedy swot, left wurk, i become prim ministr of grate briton. Gordon Brown the curse of downing st and gorila of no 10.

Friday, 6 November 2009


Over the last few months the Leatherbarrow silken locks were given free rein to grow free, without fear of the barbers scissors, comb and razor to frighten the follicles. At first i dutifully combed my wavy locks and looked slick n' smart. After a while i'd just run my fingers through it after a shower ,as the weeks grew by and i noticed for the first time in my life, i was getting curly hair. I had a sort of 'windswept n' interesting look about me, a little unusual for someone who hardly sets foot outside, but quite impressive when your walking the dog. I'm sure if i met any lady dog walkers below the age of 60 ,they'd be quite taken with this wild untamed enigmatic character and his not so wild and untamed West Highland terrier. But then disaster struck. I started to develop a little kink at the side part above my forehead this became a sort of quiff, which took a downward turn to become a sort of Superman kiss curl, which then pulled out of its dive and started curling upwards . When we went away to fry in the Portugese sun and be eaten by the Portugese flies n' 'mossies', I had a ,as i liked to think of it a 'beach bum 'look. Maybe more a middle aged hippie Dennis the Menace look better described it, basically hair all over the place.
When i got home, i went and had a good scalping and the fellah did a job. I quite like it, but its probably the shortest cut i've had. I go into the toilet for a pee and still jump when i suddenly catch a glimpse of that mean, but exceedingly handsome shorn character looking back at me in the bathroom mirror. Its been a week and i still keep pushing my fingers through my greasy locks and theres nothing there. I haven't shaved for three days and i look a little like one of those facesyou can turn upside down and get another face...Oh thats enough follicle follies for now, kiddies. Dont forget to wash n' condition and brush 100 times morning and night.

Thursday, 5 November 2009


Everybodies a smartarse!...Everybody thinks they know more than you do. In my case its not true as i know more about everything than most of those clever clogs. A sure sign of having great knowledge of life the universe, everything and what colour bin has to be left out on Friday, is being able to argue with your mates,all shouting in disharmony, in increasingly loud voices after a growing number of pints at any bar on a Friday or Saturday night. When you have profound and deeply held beliefs and knowledge on basically 'EVERYTHING!'...But life and knowledge are ever changing things, so the following day, you look back at the earnest loud, boisterous debate ,you and the other 15 (all with differing opinions on well, .'EVERYTHING!') intellectuals had and think.."Oh christ! Did i say that?"Theres no time you will have thought,"Oh christ! did (somebody else) really say that?"No, you have humiliated yourself in your quest to spread knowledge and enlightenment to the masses.
But i do have an excuse,basically i was 'pissed as a fart!'.....But there are a group of people who argue and debate for a living, even being(relatively)sober. These smart'ares are the politicians. They may wear nice suits and have posh titles and fiddle expenses, but their 'debates' aren't much more dignified behaviour -wise than 'down the boozer'. But they have a secret weapon. The politicians from all opposite sides have 'experts and advisors to utilise their expertise in their chosen feild to advise the politicians. Who, lets face it need it. As i've mentioned the average shit'eads who run our country dont need qualifications and haven't done a days work in their fairly short, ( and getting shorter by the look of the bright young things speaking on various policies, etc, etc.) lives. The politicians get shunted around from time to time. So one day they may be in charge of the Dept of soft toilet paper and pencil sharpeners. Then the next they're running the NHS. They work with people who've studied and devoted their lives to the world of soft toilet paper and pencil sharpeners. Then people who've devoted their lives to the science and health of the nation. But the 'new boy(ok, or girl)' is instantly the boss, and they're in charge of a little thing like the health of the nation, just like that!

The problem with experts and scientists i that they deal in facts,experimental data, opinions of teams of highly qualified intellects who know what they're talking about, basically the stuff that is squeezed out all pristine and smart from the intellectual mangle is something very alien to politicians .The truth!
The truth is a nasty thing in its purest form, no good, whatsoever in politics. This truth must be treated and diluted until it becomes totally malleable and be able to be twisted and distorted to fit into a vessel called a policy. The data involved may fill libraries and be megabytes of computer space, but it must fit onto a few glosy A4 sheets of paper alongside party logos and smiling party leaders pictures. If an expert voices an opinion .It is the policy that is sacrosanct, not the evidence or truth. So, experts and advisors ,speak when spoken to, then return to your dusty university studies until you are summoned to advise, or your sacked!
There is a way around this system. As the prime minister found, recently. An officer in Afghanistan said ,much against Goverment announcements, that troops were dying due to lack of helicopters. Well, this would've gotten him a court marshall from Gordon Brown right away. But the officer in question was killed. So Gordon can't do anything about a dead hero's advice....Wether he'll do anything, ah now?.....
Just one thing (amongt many)thing puzzles me .Every party has opposing policies on ..well,'EVERYTHING!'..And they've all got experts and advisors. So is the expert advice totally different for every expert, or is the same advice just twisted and distorted to make a smart looking policy

( An irrate Gordon Brown appeared courtesy of the front cover of HA Magazine, aaah fame ,at last!!!!)