Friday, 22 August 2008


Space is quite a large place, and depending which big brain your listening to at the time , it's getting bigger, but then again it might be getting smaller,or neither. As the universe carries on expanding forever; Stays as it is, or; Collapses in on itself in an eventual cosmic crunch. The one thing that will carry on regardless is time . I f you stay still in space, time will pass. If you travel through space time will pass. Every thing happens in time. From the multi billion trillionth of a milisecond to a billion million thingellion years. Since the universe exploded forth from a microscopic dot into 'The big bang' billions of years ago; The stars and planets formed ,even our good ol' Earth. Life formed in the form of slimey thingees in the primevil ooze. You can still find examples in various housing estates in various spots around our green n' pleasant land. These lovely beasties evolved and eventually gigantic dinosaurs stomped the Earth. Eventually they died off, as they starved to death. Its said because of huge meteorites hitting the Earth, but the actual reason was' cos the dinosaurs were barred from the pubs n' chippies because they were too big and filling the rooms, so the breweries weren't making the profits needed. The chippies had to cope with, not so much variety as there was no indian or chinese. Chips hadn't been invented even, it was just a vegetable diet, or a carnivorous diet. And when the Tyrannosauruses and such were out for a night, god, there was murder. But life got smaller ,so pubs n chippies had a chance to evolve, all this happened as time passed inexorably on. Mountains grew and shrunk, continents slid around the planet; Oceans formed then dryed up.England even won the world cup, for 'gawds sake'. All this through time. And still life the universe and stuff evolves and falls apart through time.
Time is incredible. In time 'Anything' can happen. An example , When i was younger, we had the clothes basket in the bathroom and the putrid stomach turning dirty socks and underwear that had been worn 3 weeks too long were gingerly placed in the basket like nuclear workers handling rods of uranium, with great care. A few days later, ussually a Friday or Saturday night it was time to hit the 'Big city'. But you'd be short of a pair of socks, or a pair of 'Bills'( Bill Grundies...'undies....underpants!). So, you'd go to the laundry basket and have a 'root' around and find a pair of socks or bills, have a sniff, think "Hmmm, thats not too bad", so they were used for another day or two. So, time can form a universe, but it can also cause my socks and 'bills' to smell, if not fresh, not quite as bad. And this didn't take a millenia, just a couple of days. I know which i find more impressive.

Friday, 15 August 2008


Most of the population of our country walk around dressed as olympic athletes. When all the Johnny foreigners arrive on our shores in 4 years time for the London Olympics, it'll scare the shit out of them when they see the whole country looks like the biggest Olympic village in the world, as everyone from London to Liverpool and all points north walk around in track suits and trainees. The sad truth is that we all dress like athletes, but most of us haven't an athletic bone in our body. Adults watch sport on the telly, whilst the' kids' play sport on computers. And we all live on grease ,gristle n'good ol' fat, as well as 'the ale' n' fags. So, what should we do, well i'll tell you. We all start popping all those steroids and Beta-blockers, or whatever and soon we'll have a musclebound, fit population (with a good head of hair) to do all those track suits n' trainee's proud. As we're all ace sportsmen (and sex gods), we can compete all over the world and wipe the floor with everyone. and we wont need to go out at some ungodly hour in the morning to practise and train,or watch our diet and lay off 'the pop' n' fags, just keep popping the pills.
The national lottery and the goverment would save a fortune as they wouldn't have to worry about supplying those(us!) lazy slobs that they represent and govern with sporting facilities like playing fields and sports centres. Just keep Boots supplied with the tablets and Britain could be great again.

The goverment are talking about legalising drugs, again!...These drugs that create crazy addicts, nutcases and keep our jails full and the streets dangerous places to be, as well as killing people. Admittedly they do kill a lot of celebrities and pop stars, which is something in its favour, but on the whole, drugs are bad and dangerous and despite this may be legalised. Whereas the drugs that build up your health, stamina , fitness, speed, strength. reactions, mental and physical, can cause hair growth, increase sexual capacity and size of relevant' bits'. Basically all those things needed to become 'Supermen n' women'. Of course, these wonder drugs are strictly illegal and banned all over the world.

Friday, 8 August 2008


At this moment in a cloud of smog, far, far away, the chinese are beginning the opening celebrations of the 2008 olympic games. In the middle of Beijing, after flattening a few thousand houses and appartments ,much to the unpleasant suprise of the people who lived there, those pleasant smiling chappies of the ruling communist party built the biggest birds nest on the planet. Well, we assume it's the biggest birds nest on the planet, as no body can see the bloody thing. The new, open and honest communist party have honestly and openly placed a massive security cordon around the stadium to keep everybody away from this architectural masterpiece(as birds nests go, it's the best.) But aside from smiling security, theres a thick billowing cloud of smog and various pollutants. Apparently the chinese goverment have closed down all their factories and taken THREE MILLION cars off the road, and, still, you can't see your hand in front of your coughing and spluttering face, never mind the biggest birds nest on the planet.
It should be fascinating watching these highly trained, peak of fitness athletes sweating ,gasping and panting trying to catch their breath, due to their exertions. And, thats before they compete in their event. That'll be coming out into that Beijing 'air' and taking their tracksuit off. Will they be able to hear the start gun over the 100,00 spectators gasping, wheezing and coughing their lungs up all the day long. Well, on the plus side, we've got an excuse for our no doubt pathetic haul of medals. "I couldn't breathe....I couldn't see where to throw/jump/run...I couldn't find the track/stadium". Tessa'a jowls, the minister said on the news that Team G.B.(hmmm!) will do their best for the country, winning and medals aren't important, they will do their best, well, thats alright then.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008


The other day, walking the dogs through some woods near where i live, i happened upon an oppertunity to do a good deed and help somebody in trouble. Being the warmhearted christian, caring sort you all know me to be, i pounced upon this god given test of my courage and general wonderfulness. There was a couple of kids around the base of a tree who ,as i approached said, "Hey, Mister. Will you help our mate , cos he's stuck up that tree?" So, i looked up and sure enough there was this rag arsed little scruffy get up near the top of the tree. I asked if he was ok, and if he couldn't get down. He said he couldn't get down. So, your hero, (thats me ,by the way), ditched my jacket and, much like riding a bike, my years of climbing trees hadn't been forgotten and i shot up like a squirrel. As i got near the kid, he started panicking, a little, and kicking his legs and waving me back. That was ok ,but when the little get started shouting. "GET BACK, OLD MAN!". And not in the good ol' polite English form of address manner, but in direct reference to my physical age. Well, i nearly kicked the little sod off the branch he was so desperatly clinging too. I got him down, all the way he was asking how should he grab this branch,or where should he put his foot, etc, etc, but all the time, addressing me as, OLD MAN! Then when we got down, his mates gave him a little 'stick' about how he'd not of gotten down if 'THE OLD MAN', Hadn't come and helped him. One of the little sods, very nicely told his mate to pass me my jacket, but spoiled it by asking his mate,' to pass the ol fellah's jacket' . So, next time any young' uns need a hand getting down any trees. Well, it's tough titties,they can stay up there, 'cos old men don't climb trees.