GOD DIDN'T CREATE THE UNIVERSE, HE NICKED THE IDEA FROM ,STEPHEN HAWKING

STEPHEN HAWKING, recently announced that there wasn't any need for GOD in the creation of the universe. The BIG BANG;The creation of time n' space n' the creation of the force of GRAVITY n' all that stuff ,well, Just happened!...So not unaturally the shit hit the fan. As we all know everything is like it is ,cos of a nice fellah with a toga and a beard.Thats the picture that all the religions have pumped out since time imemorial. Thats why this 'lovely bloke',who made us all and is still taking care of his favourite planet and followers. If this jolly nice caring chap did create the universe why does he look like a human grandad?

We live on a grotty mediocre planet on an outer ring of a grotty mediocre galaxy in a grotty mediocre group of galaxies in a grotty mediocre corner of the universe. If there is a god ,how do we know he's not a scaly ,tentacled ,slimey mass of teeth and claws like something from ALIEN. If he did , that'd bugger up all the holy books ,bibles ,korans and screw up the whole religous setup. If god looked that horrible ,imagine what the angels ,etc would be like. HEAVEN doesn't look quite so appealing now. Instead of fluffy clouds and harps, i keep thinking of the flightdeck of the deep space mining ship NOSTROMO in RIDLEY SCOTT'S classic'ALIEN'. Now ,if thats heaven ,just imagine what the other place would be like.

THE LITTLE HARD-ON COLLIDER HELPING TO DISCOVER THE BASIC BUILDING BLOCKHEADS OF THE POLITICAL UNIVERSE!

When the LARGE HADRON COLLIDER whacked a couple of sub-atomic particles together at 9.999999999999999%recurring, the speed of light, these protons ,using the equation describing the relationship between mass and energy....E=MC2. The resultant energy release was meant to show conditions billionths of a second after the BIG BANG, the event wot caused us all to be here. Along with all the other stars, galaxies , planets, and the French. Who knows the sub-atomic particles could've been split into even more basic sub-sub-Atomic particles, which could've caused the creation of even more sub-sub-sub-Atomic particles, the basic building blocks of the universe and the whole of creation itself. Mind-boggling and as fantastic as it may seem ,there is an even greater mystery that needs to be solved.

This mystery,the creation of the political universe and the bacic building blockheads that it was formed from will be solved by the SMALL HARD-ON COLLIDER. This device will fire the most basic SUB-HUMAN particles, the political party leaders at each other at the mind numbing speed, much faster than the speed of light. The SPEED OF POLITICAL BLAME. Using the political equation E=MP2, showing the relationship between expenses and MP's pay, hopefully there should be some fascinating results. The sub-human particles could shatter into even more basic sub-sub human particles than MP's and party leaders ,hard as it is to believe. The political energy released could produce miniature black holes, commonly known as policies. These may form WORMHOLES to other dimensions .The political particles may worm, or crawl through the aptly named inter dimensional gateways. Eventually the political particle may explode into the nothingness of another empty dimension. It wouldnt be a Big Bang ,as any politician wherever he is, even a new dimension, would be canvassing for votes for the GENERAL ELECTION. So, possibly a universe could be formed from a BIG YAWN. The hot air and wasted energy radiated into the void by any bullshitting politician worth his salt would be more than enough to start the formation of stars, planets, galaxies ,a whole new universe with the same old politics.

TRAVEL MAY NOT BROADEN THE MIND ,BUT IT BROADENS THE HIPS!

Having just returned from a more than well deserved holiday across the Atlantic pond in the wild untamed themeparks of Orlando.Stuffing our faces at a variety of help yourself buffet restaurants and having a lot to drink in everywhere else. In lovely sunny Florida, i caught a cold after getting soaked by that killer whale and the girl he killed a few days later. This drama and adrenaline pumping ride-fest(after 2 hour queues) was followed by a week on a cruise around a bit of the Carribean on a 30-storey, 5 mile long luxury cruise ship. The boats are made that size to accomodate the people who go on cruises(of which we aren't). Very large ungainly ,definitley not streamlined, like the boat ,take time to get' up to speed' and have trouble coming to a stop. So the passageways above and below decks are constantly filled with very strange shaped older people shuffling along. You have to be in possession of swivel hips and boxers feet to avoid collisions. But with the stop offs on various tropical isles and copious amounts to eat n' drink i can think of worse ways to pass my time. Only the other day my beloved 'lovely Lynne'treated me to a breakfast in Asda. (There! I told you she loved me.) There you are one morning on the sunny deck off the coast of Honduras having a luxury gut busting fruit n' pancake breakfast. One week later your choosing what greasy fried combination you want slapped onto your plate in the cafe in Asda ,Warrington.

Once back i have found it damn near impossible to get back to writing this rubbish. Stop clapping and cheering, i'm a sensitive soul you vicious bastards. The brain and the imagination just would not function, absolutly nothing was there to light the blue touch paper of the imagination.And they say travel broadens the mind ? The food and drink might have broadened the hips as the Lovely Lynne keeps complaining. I suppose its just as well i dont write travel books, Bill Brysons got nothing to worry about for a while anyhow. I'll sit and gaze out of the window and see what flotsam and jetsam drifts into the vacumn of my imagination. A total void cannot exist as is proven by the theory of the 'big bang ' suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Maybe i'll have an imaginary' big bang'.......(Ooooh' err, missus!)....Sigh.....only in my imagination!!!

DEAD COMPUTERS; DEAD COMPUTER REPAIRMEN ALL GET CONNECTED AT WWW.PEARLYGATES@HEAVEN.COM

Hello there, one n'all. Sorry about the on-line, finger on the pulse ,incisive comment-less couple of weeks, but this was due to a technological 'spanner in the works'. Namely the bloody computer blew up /crashed-out. And eventually after trying to work it all out myself, seeing the amount of cables stuck in the back of our basic PC. Roughly about twice what the Large hadron collider has around its magnets, i looked and thought something along the lines of "£$%&* that!!!" We'll get someone in, but couldnt find the guy we've used before. And wrapped in the cables was the skeletal remains of ,who i suppose to be the brave noble soul who was the last PC repairman we called out the last time the dangblamed thing decided to screw us up.

I imagined as i unwrapped the boney ex repairman from the mass of cables. The dogs were showing great interest, lots of bone, but i dont know if ex PC repairmen have much in the way of marrowbone jelly for a dogs healthy teeth n' coat and all the healthy things dog food advertisers place such importance on. I dont suppose he's too worried, being the dedicated sort like these PC repairmen are. He's sitting on a celestial cloud somewhere still nobly trying to get an internet connection from those fine chaps at AOL(?). It's hard enough to get one down here, it must be murder in paradise. I think he'll have to change his broadband supplier to http://www.pearlygates@heaven.com/.

Technology is truly a wonderful thing, so i'm told. Obviously all this smashing of subatomic particles together to unlock the secrets of the universe is very nice, but that is as nothing to my beloved wife, the Lovely Lynne. To whom sciencs begins and ends with a new dishwasher. So, we get one. Two sweaty fellahs from Curries hump this big box into the middle of the kitchen floor, then smartly piss off. Then follows 2 days deciphering the single page of Enigma code transcript that comprises the instructions on how to fit the bloody thing. We swore solidly for 2 days. I got a mate in, he's a handyman/plumber, he spent the day adding to our growing collection of swearwords for fitting dishwashers too. Eventually a couple of fellahs came out a day or so later and added to our dictionary, but finally we did it, got the damn thing fitted and connected. I don't understand why we need it. I don't mind washing up, sticking some loud music on; Grabbing the Fairy Liquid and off we jolly well go. simple!

Using the bloody machine you have to rinse everything before you put everything in its special place. then when its done you've often got to rinse and wipe the'clean' stuff again. So, why not forget the machine and save time and just wash everything in the sink 3 or 4 times? It may not be a highly puzzling technological question on par with the big bang, but it confuses the hell outta me. The Big Bang, does seem to make some sense to me, unlike women and dishwashers.....Gawd, i need a drink.

TIME AND SPACE, SWEATY SOCKS AND VARIOUS OTHER MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE.

Space is quite a large place, and depending which big brain your listening to at the time , it's getting bigger, but then again it might be getting smaller,or neither. As the universe carries on expanding forever; Stays as it is, or; Collapses in on itself in an eventual cosmic crunch. The one thing that will carry on regardless is time . I f you stay still in space, time will pass. If you travel through space time will pass. Every thing happens in time. From the multi billion trillionth of a milisecond to a billion million thingellion years. Since the universe exploded forth from a microscopic dot into 'The big bang' billions of years ago; The stars and planets formed ,even our good ol' Earth. Life formed in the form of slimey thingees in the primevil ooze. You can still find examples in various housing estates in various spots around our green n' pleasant land. These lovely beasties evolved and eventually gigantic dinosaurs stomped the Earth. Eventually they died off, as they starved to death. Its said because of huge meteorites hitting the Earth, but the actual reason was' cos the dinosaurs were barred from the pubs n' chippies because they were too big and filling the rooms, so the breweries weren't making the profits needed. The chippies had to cope with, not so much variety as there was no indian or chinese. Chips hadn't been invented even, it was just a vegetable diet, or a carnivorous diet. And when the Tyrannosauruses and such were out for a night, god, there was murder. But life got smaller ,so pubs n chippies had a chance to evolve, all this happened as time passed inexorably on. Mountains grew and shrunk, continents slid around the planet; Oceans formed then dryed up.England even won the world cup, for 'gawds sake'. All this through time. And still life the universe and stuff evolves and falls apart through time.

Time is incredible. In time 'Anything' can happen. An example , When i was younger, we had the clothes basket in the bathroom and the putrid stomach turning dirty socks and underwear that had been worn 3 weeks too long were gingerly placed in the basket like nuclear workers handling rods of uranium, with great care. A few days later, ussually a Friday or Saturday night it was time to hit the 'Big city'. But you'd be short of a pair of socks, or a pair of 'Bills'( Bill Grundies...'undies....underpants!). So, you'd go to the laundry basket and have a 'root' around and find a pair of socks or bills, have a sniff, think "Hmmm, thats not too bad", so they were used for another day or two. So, time can form a universe, but it can also cause my socks and 'bills' to smell, if not fresh, not quite as bad. And this didn't take a millenia, just a couple of days. I know which i find more impressive.