TRAVEL MAY NOT BROADEN THE MIND ,BUT IT BROADENS THE HIPS!

Having just returned from a more than well deserved holiday across the Atlantic pond in the wild untamed themeparks of Orlando.Stuffing our faces at a variety of help yourself buffet restaurants and having a lot to drink in everywhere else. In lovely sunny Florida, i caught a cold after getting soaked by that killer whale and the girl he killed a few days later. This drama and adrenaline pumping ride-fest(after 2 hour queues) was followed by a week on a cruise around a bit of the Carribean on a 30-storey, 5 mile long luxury cruise ship. The boats are made that size to accomodate the people who go on cruises(of which we aren't). Very large ungainly ,definitley not streamlined, like the boat ,take time to get' up to speed' and have trouble coming to a stop. So the passageways above and below decks are constantly filled with very strange shaped older people shuffling along. You have to be in possession of swivel hips and boxers feet to avoid collisions. But with the stop offs on various tropical isles and copious amounts to eat n' drink i can think of worse ways to pass my time. Only the other day my beloved 'lovely Lynne'treated me to a breakfast in Asda. (There! I told you she loved me.) There you are one morning on the sunny deck off the coast of Honduras having a luxury gut busting fruit n' pancake breakfast. One week later your choosing what greasy fried combination you want slapped onto your plate in the cafe in Asda ,Warrington.

Once back i have found it damn near impossible to get back to writing this rubbish. Stop clapping and cheering, i'm a sensitive soul you vicious bastards. The brain and the imagination just would not function, absolutly nothing was there to light the blue touch paper of the imagination.And they say travel broadens the mind ? The food and drink might have broadened the hips as the Lovely Lynne keeps complaining. I suppose its just as well i dont write travel books, Bill Brysons got nothing to worry about for a while anyhow. I'll sit and gaze out of the window and see what flotsam and jetsam drifts into the vacumn of my imagination. A total void cannot exist as is proven by the theory of the 'big bang ' suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Maybe i'll have an imaginary' big bang'.......(Ooooh' err, missus!)....Sigh.....only in my imagination!!!

AMAZINGLY,WHEN I CONNECTED THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TO THE MAINS THEY LIT UP...SO DID THE LOVELY LYNNE!

It's that time of the year when i sit here scratching myself a lot more than normal!....Yes ,as that bloody ASDA advert Bing Crosby song tells us every thirty seconds.."It's beginning to feel a bit like christmas(groan)". As for my increased levels of itching. This is due to my forced entry into the attic to rummage round for the bloody christmas decorations. When i get covered in the loft insulation, which keeps me warm for a few days as i don't sit still long enough to cool down ,i'm a constant blur of scratching and scraping at fibres of loft insulation. But i hauled the boxloads of baubles, decorations,mangers and,of course miles of lights. Now ,i faced the lights with more than a little trepidation. When i neatly wrapped them up last year they were working perfectly well. But, as you all will know, that means nothing. cos' as you plug them in again, the bastard things wont work. It is an unwritten law of the universe....Christmas lights will not work when you first plug them in! I wandered scratching n' scraping; Putting off the inevitable, just for a few more minutes to put the kettle on and have a cuppa. (Like the song 'Right!' said Fred.... An we woz gettin' nowhere. An' so we 'ad a cuppa tea...") All tasks can be subdivided into mugs of tea, it's what made Britain great. But, a monumentous discovery was made whilst i was about my kettley duties. Instead of leaving the travesty of the great christmas lighting (attempted)turn on to me, the Lovely Lynne went about it herself. Then it was conclusively shown miracles do happen...THE BLOODY LIGHTS LIT UP!....The mains alternating current went through the lights and they lit up. Unfortunatly the same mains alternating current went through the Lovely Lynne and she lit up, as well. I knew nothing about this until i saw her still smoking shoes on the floor beneath the charred hole in the living room ceiling, and she reentered the room with a strange 1970's disco style frizzy haircut with large sparkling if slightly crossed eyes. I leapt into action and shoved her out of the way ,i had to make sure the christmas lights were still working. The highly charged Lovely Lynne, or 'Sparky'as i affectionatly call her is fine, with no after effects from her 'shock' except she doesn't need the telly remote control to change channel, just clicks her fingers, same to set the car alarm. She's always only had to click her fingers to fire up my systems and get the Leatherbarrow sparks flying, but the battery's still flat, maybe next year when she lights the lights again, or maybe when i stop scratching...Bloody loft insulation.

WE MAY BE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE, BUT GEORGE 'DUBYA'S' GONNA WORK SOMETHING OUT TO SAVE US, THERE, NOW DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ?-

There is a pile of finance companies in the 'good ol' U.S.of.A, which go by names like 'Red neck George Finklesteins'; Auntie delores's amalgamated ; Chuck n' Butch's money factory, mom's apple pie finances, etc, etc, all who seem to be having money troubles. But far from being the names of back water Kentucky shops n' banks out of old Beverley Hillbilly episodes, they're huge American finance corporations and they are having all kinds of money troubles, which ,apparently is screwing up the prices of unsmoked back bacon, Rice Kripies and teabags in Asda over here. So as the world plummets down towards this financial catastrophe of one of old or new testament or even biblical proportions. Banks, building societies, etc close or have to be bailed out by the Bank of England,staff are booted to hell out of it and theres nothing else on Sky News between Eamon Holmes and the weather n' adverts, but financial 'shock horror, breaking, latest financial updates. But its alright, theres nothing to worry about. No! George 'Dubya' Bush is going to work on solving the cash crisis that threatens to engulf us all. He will be aided in this task of averting this financial meltdown by the man who sold all our gold reserves, lost us all our pensions and made it so we can'retire untill we're about 96, the 'boy' wonder, Mr Gordon Brown. There i told you, it'd be ok.

I wonder why the money and finances of the world aren't left to bankers and experts in finance whose aim is to keep the money and wealth flowing, admittedly ,some going their way, but that is a little more understandable than having the finances of the world totally dependant on bastard politicians, party politics,opinion polls , presidential candidates, spin doctors, etc, etc. Imagine going in to hospital for an emergency operation and instead of a surgeon they dragged in a politician, because his party cares and wants to save your life and to show the British public how ,not only is the NHS safe in their hand ,but he can whip your spleen out too. The patient may die, but a goverment spokesman would put a positive spin on it, so all would be well, well not for you, but your dead .