Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Once upon a time footy clubs had normal people who trained and played for the club and took their orders from the bobble hatted manager in the (even) cheaper track suit than the players wore. There was a club chairman ,but he watched a few games ,but mainly had access to the club bar. And the whole thing revolved quite simply around the football. All VICTOR, HOTSPUR and ROY OF THE ROVERS stuff. The fans went out with their mates and kids . Bought a few bags of chips ,or a meat pie and had a couple of pints. Crammed into the stands with their rattles and if you werent careful, you got your pocket pee'ed into from the fellah behind. I dont think any women ever tried peeing in somebodies pocket. But ,who knows ,stranger things've happened. Remember the days of rattles, stripey scarves n' bobble hats, funny haircuts, tight shorts,leather caseballs and mudbath pitches.

Now the football is total business.Plastic grass, plastic balloon balls, Players suddenly pink and silver boots and handled by agents, p.a's and p.r. people. Football became almost showbiz. Players moved around for the best price so quickly and often ,it was almost as if they were on tour. Fixed squads beloved of the fans ,going through the highs and lows of the clubs history became a thing of the past. The satellite telly people upped the ante, and the money went even further through the roof. Now we all know the monsterously overpaid gobshites whose names we can only pronounce with lots of practise, and then when we can, they're probably moving on to another club and even better wage . The players arent around long enough to form a tightly knit squad and become responsible for a clubs performance. So now the manager, the man who was once 'The boss', and is now only sometimes referred to as that in post match interviews. He is now the the scapegoat for the club losing a few games and is out on his arse before he's had a chance to wet his sponge in the club bucket(like they used to.). Because today is the day of the club owners. These Multi Squillionaires, from all over ,China,Middle East, India, Russia and sadly the'Good ol' us of A'. who for some reason want to spend money on something to play with, like a major footy team, to help pass their boring wheeler dealer days.

I remember a great team called LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL TEAM. As you walked down the tunnel to the pitch was a club LIVER BIRD logo, which said, simply, not welcome to...But,"THIS IS ANFIELD".....This once great club is a prime example of a national institution, almost screwed over by the money men.American Money men for their ,purely financial reasons ,giving promises about what they will do for this "Great British club and their fans.."And hated with an unbelievable intensity, they still will not leave after going back on virtually every promise made. LIVERPOOL F.C. is ,apparently ,a mess in the bank and on the pitch, all due to our beloved AMERICAN COUSINS..."GOD BLESS AMERICA!"..'Cos LIVERPOOL wont!

Thursday, 9 September 2010


STEPHEN HAWKING, recently announced that there wasn't any need for GOD in the creation of the universe. The BIG BANG;The creation of time n' space n' the creation of the force of GRAVITY n' all that stuff ,well, Just happened!...So not unaturally the shit hit the fan. As we all know everything is like it is ,cos of a nice fellah with a toga and a beard.Thats the picture that all the religions have pumped out since time imemorial. Thats why this 'lovely bloke',who made us all and is still taking care of his favourite planet and followers. If this jolly nice caring chap did create the universe why does he look like a human grandad?
We live on a grotty mediocre planet on an outer ring of a grotty mediocre galaxy in a grotty mediocre group of galaxies in a grotty mediocre corner of the universe. If there is a god ,how do we know he's not a scaly ,tentacled ,slimey mass of teeth and claws like something from ALIEN. If he did , that'd bugger up all the holy books ,bibles ,korans and screw up the whole religous setup. If god looked that horrible ,imagine what the angels ,etc would be like. HEAVEN doesn't look quite so appealing now. Instead of fluffy clouds and harps, i keep thinking of the flightdeck of the deep space mining ship NOSTROMO in RIDLEY SCOTT'S classic'ALIEN'. Now ,if thats heaven ,just imagine what the other place would be like.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010


Yes our personally troubled hero WAYNE(shrek) ROONEY scored last night for England. Gone is the tired weary, lacklustre player we had to endure through the travesty of the world cup. Now ,although he may not have a smile on his face, he has the skip and spring in his step again. I think i know why. Rooney has been caught paying £1200 a night to a naughty lady to do whatever demonic things £1200 will pay for. This has taken its toll on the much needed Rooney fitness and drastic action was needed to get him back on form. This is were the wife COLLEEN comes in.

Most houses in our fair land seem to be in possession of an american style BASEBALL BAT?.. No, catchers mitts or even baseballs?....In fact nobody plays BASEBALL at all! Girls play ROUNDERS, which ,incidentally is a good way of upsetting a yank by pointing this fact out. The reason people buy the baseball bats,is to leave by the bed and to beat the hell out of any burglers or housebreakers, who, god forbid may threaten your home or family. Another function for this finely balanced and designed bats is to take to your husband if he's been playing away, for £1200 a night.
The reason for Rooneys return to fitness is ,undoubtedly that COLLEEN has taken Waynes SWEETIE MONEY away from him and has been chasing him around the ROONEY MANSION threatening to "Smash his f***kin' 'ead in!"....Let us not forget , she's a good LIVERPOOL girl and you do not cross Good Liverpool girls ,and live!...So it is Colleen's BASEBALL n' EXTREME VIOLENCE fitness regime that has kept Wayne on his toes and put the spring back on his studs..
I think Rooney's going to have a good season . His training regime with Colleen , i think will carry on for quite a while yet, so dont expect too many smiles from Wayne, life on the pitch is going to be a picnic compared to life at home....
As an added extra!....I've just returned from a sortie down to the shops. While i was in there i looked at the magazines and newspapers. One newspaper revealed how the girl who Rooney spent his £1200 a night on.....CHARGED HIM AN UGLY TAX!!!!... Apparently she didnt exactly fancy young Wayne. One of his friends was a little more to her high standards and she gave him a"£75 QUICKIE" in the bar toilet. Hows that for paying over the odds in tax? Poor Wayne......Oooh we live in a wonderful world.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010


When the WORLD CUP was on the other week and the laughingly called ENGLAND TEAM disgraced themselves and the rest of us . It was said they looked tired and lacked the fire and energy needed to do ....Well anything!....At the centre of all this attention was a very low key, lacklustre WAYNE ROONEY. The reason has at last 'come out'. Laughingly described as "Having private and personal problems". Our Wayney-poo's,the little red devil, is getting his stubby muscley little legs over a young lady for a mere £1200 per night....£1200 PER NIGHT????....Whatever the hell you get for £1200 ?There must be trpapeze's, trampolines, bullwhips and various electrical chairs..... Well, its no wonder he's tired his legs must be shot! Theres a big fuss about Rooney playing for ENGLAND against SWITZERLAND. The manager says he's mentally strong and fit to play, even if his body is totally' shagged out!'....I nearly choked ,this morning when a newsreporter on the telly asked if there was any chance "rooney'd be 'YANKED OFF'?"..... Well, after all those £1200 nights, he'd be more than used to it.

It also appears that 'the lady' in question has basically been around the footballers in the premiership. All those fine athletes our children idolise , their accountants must be wondering what all these £1200 's are for. The wags are being replaced by slags. Those fine proud players are having their energy and fitness sapped and they're paying £1200 a night for it. And she is going to name names. So Rooney's un-named team-mates are soon to be named. Ah, the beautiful game!

Monday, 6 September 2010


Here we are BRITAIN at war and what do the politicians decide to do in the midst of the conflict but reduce our military might. The major choker for any English man is that we should combine our naval fleet with the FRENCH??????...... The last time we had any dealings with the French navy was in the SECOND WORLD WAR and we went to North Africa where it was berthed and we sunk the whole of the French Fleet. Funnily enough the French weren't too happy about that. I like the French ,i've a few French friends and i hope i still have a few French friends. (Robert ,is that invite over to Canada still on?).... We could merge the army with the Germans . Why not the RAF with the German LUFTWAFFE. I mean all around here in the locality of Northern Europe ,We all have a history with each other. We're neighbours. Any neighbours have arguments and upsets from time to time. Just watch CORONATION ST, or EASTENDERS, to get my point . So the French and the Germans ,we've had a little upsets with through the years ,but lets forgive and forget and nip down to the FRENCH FOREIGN BRITISH LEGION SOCIAL CLUB for a PINT OF MILD and a glass of wine .

Wednesday, 1 September 2010


TONY BLAIR GIVES IT TO GORDON BROWN......A signed copy of his autobiography, hot off the press!
Todays the day, the day when our once beloved glorious leader, TONY BLAIR has his autobiography released. The pavements outside of bookshops all around the country will be full of news reporters reporting how theres nobody queuing for 'Tonys Tome'. I'm sure the tale ,entitled 'A JOURNEY' will be a fascinating read. Apparently he's upset at soldiers getting killed in a war he sent them to; He hates GORDON BROWN. Apparently he's a bastard, etc, etc. Now thats the stuff people want. Vitreol and hatred and spite and a smattering of blame . Tony,like all great celebrities also hit the bottle ....POLITICS, THE NEW ROCK N' POLL!(sorry!). As Tony not exactly hitting the excesses we ussually hear about from our beloved celebrities. He'd have a G&T, then a few wines after dinner. I do that before dinner and i've never ran the country.
I get to order the dog to get out from time to time, thats the limit of my power and influence. Tony's away in the states pushing the book during his highly paid lecture tours. Apparently this very evening, our hero is having dinner with BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT( The afro-Irish president). Poor ol' OBAMA is going to get a copy of Tony's Tome wether he likes it or not.
Aside from all the 'stuff' he did when he was in charge. There is one thing i cannot forgive him for. Even worse than the military hell he's left us in. It is the ,taking off of his tie ;Undoing his top button;Taking his jacket off; And rolling up his sleeves. When in office, he created and cultivated his own Tony's Team...BLAIRS BABES,etc.He was surrounded by PR sorts; SPIN DOCTORS, advisors ,etc, etc. One day one of these bright young things came into Tonys office bubbling with excitment. Not with a way of fixing the health system , or sort inflation ,etc. No,Something much more important. An image issue. "Prime Minister ,the next time you give a speech ,take your tie off and even ,if possible your jacket then people can see that as you roll up your sleeves ,your one of the people, determined and willing to get down and dirty with all the voters."Tony must've though"WoW!"...."Thats really, really brilliant, guys!"Happy and relieved that he wouldnt have to work on something important, this was something to make him look good, so off came the tie.....DAVID CAMERON, who modelled himself on Tony also Whisked the tie and the jacket off. GORDON BROWN the LABOUR leader was a bit more CONSERVATIVE and settled just for the removal of his tie.Now ,every damned politician in the country, whenever they are speaking ,are always open collared. Even if every single other person in the hall has a tie on. It really pisses me off these politicians trying to be like normal blokes. They're not ,they are politicians ,they arent even human. And they can claim a nice silk tie on expences.