Friday, 28 November 2014


Aainst all the odds and with an extreme, for me physical and mental strain  i awoke with the alarm clock, which has been quiet and unused for quite a while now, until yesterday when at the ungodly hour of 7AM the not so dulcet tones of that pain in the arse, CHRIS EVANS awoke me from my slumbers. With lightening reflexes, well for that time in the morning , with a single bound i leapt from the bed and headed for the toilet, shower and razor to begin the '3S's'. Well it was the least i could do, i mean i was going to meet royalty, wasn't i?....Yep i wuz!

Recently i started going along to an art studio in an old community centre in Warrington centre, just to meet a few eople and the guy who runs it, a nutter called MORRIS RILEY might teach me a little oil painting. The olod building was due to be demolished by the council, to be replaced by 'YUPPIE FLATS!!!!!'.....Yep more 'effin' 'yuppie flats ,just what every local community desperatly needs.....What in gods name would they need a community centre for when they can have yuppie flats?....Or would it be something to do with the property developers? Now c'mon, Tim, the ol' cynic in you is coming out!

A very strange thing then seems to have happened. The local people who nobody would normally listen too, esspecially the council who faithfully (?) serve them......Actually listened to them. They asked for their community centre and were given it! But if it didn't 'work' it was going to be demolished as originally planned. So they went ahead and got the place going and gawd bless'em the place is' bouncing' with all kinds of activities, and only gone and won some royal award!

It was for this reason that i was walking up a wet grimey street at 8.30AM and the street looked suspiciously quite, totally empty. I walked in and a few people were around, but piles of police, bomb squad, sniffer dogs who weren't that interested in exposives as the new canteen, which was being opened by the mayor this day was cooking a buffet of all kinds and the dogs were more interested in sarnies then semptex!

I  headed for the kettle and started my umpteenth attempt at a DANIEL CRAIG caricature, originally attempting an acrylic picture,but decided to ink over the paint, and a black and white ink drawing of 'our glorious leader'DAVID CAMEROONE.....We also stuck a few cartoons on the wall, Morris esspecially wanted the caricature of the Queen rocking and rolling from the concerts of her Diamond jubillee. He reckoned we'd get done for high treason when the DUKE OF KENT saw it, and come Friday morning we'd be chained to a dungeon wall in the'Tower' nibbling bread and water......And i'd loose my knighthood!


                                                                                  So eventually the DUKE OF KENT came around and we shook hands and had a little chat, my daniel craig got the royal seal of approval. I pointed out the DAVID CAMEROONE, referring to him as"Our glorious leader!"....With a wicked touch of humour in his eyes he gave a long "HMMMMMMMMM?"...I believe "Our glorious leader" isn't too highly thought of  in the hallways of  'Buck-House'!!

He seemed a nice bloke and spent a lot of time talking to the 'people', he didn't want ,press,councillors, politicians, mayors, etc,etc, they came later to open the canteen and guzzle the'bucks fizz, which we were happy to help with.

 day today.....Meeting the pope!

Monday, 17 November 2014


Ahhh aren't they lovely all those fairy stories ,a few evil witches ,a ton of handsome princes ,fairy godmothers ,love n' stuff and all off to live happily ever after. I mean they're so lovely Walt Disney made cartoon films out of them. But there is another darker side to the world of fairy tales, follow your Fairy(watch it!) God -Tim and i shall show you a world of fairies that you wont forget in a hurry.
       Most of the famous stories have been rewritten through history and the original endings changed, mainly to the boring 'pain in the arse' ,'Happy ever after' endings . you 'd be stunned to find out how many of the heroes in the tales get murdered ,poisioned ,chopped up or eaten.
        Take the story of Hansel and Gretel. They lived in a cottage by a wood with their dad and step mother. Thats another thing all the families are step sisters ,mothers ,etc ,so they can be evil and nasty with a clear concience. Their step mother decides the kids are eating too much and they can't afford to keep them so she nags their loving dad ,who ,in the end agrees to dump them deep in the woods where they'd get lost and eaten by wolves ,or just get lost. The kids hear this scheming and collect a pile of white stones to make a track to find their way home, which much to mum's disgust they manage. After a breif respite the operation is rerprieved and off they go again,but using bread crumbs which fails miserably as the birds eat the bread crumbs so the kids are truly lost.
            As everybody knows forests are full of evil old witches who live in gingerbread houses, made of cake and sweets with windows of clear sugar. I'm not sure what attracted them to the roof ,but they were caught eating the roof of the cottage by the blind wicked old witch who lived there. She decided she'd make a slave out of Gretel and bung Hansel in a cage and fatten him up so she could eat him. So as Gretel was beaten into slave labour ,Hansel was stuffing his face, but by picking up a finger bone from the previous dinner who occupied the cage he fooled the witch into thinking he was still skinny, so he was given a bit of breathing space before being bunged into the oven. But the witch decided Gretel'd do as a nice snack and to rub it in made Gretel heat the stove up before getting in herself, the witch grew impatient and went to see if the stove was hot enough when Gretel shoved her in and the witch was cooked in her own stove. The two kids found vases full of treasure ,as every witches castle and ogres castle, etc is full to the gunnells of treasure. They went home ,found their lonely dad ,as their step mum had disappeared and dad didn't have an explanation where she was ,which does seem strange and somewhat suspicious, but with the nicked treasure they all lived .....Yep! You guessed it!

         Cinderella was a victim of vicious step sisters, and ugly step sisters who kicked her shapely arse on a regular basis as the treated her as a slave and dressed her in rags, but they were a bit jealous as Cinders was a tasty bit of stuff much to their disgust. It came to pass that there was a big ball at the princes palace down the road, not the local boozer ,but an actual princes palace and Cinders 's ugly step sisters went ,but wouldn't let Cinders, but like any woman ,she couldn't've gone "as she didn't a thing to wear!". But like any good looked bedraggled neglected slave labourer she had her own Fairy Godmother who appeared, waved her magic wand ,informing Cinders,"You shall go to the ball!" A little bit more wand waving and funny things started to happen. A pumpkin turned into a golden carriage; A couple of mice turned into horses; A rat turned into a coachman; A lizard into a footman....I cant help thinking she couldn't have been much good at cleaning around the house ,as it was full of rats,mice, lizards?....Then , the rags were changed to a gown and a pair of glass slippers were put on her feet. I cant help thinking glass slippers?...A little dangerous ,break them and severed.
 arteries around the feet and ankles .
                The main condition the Fairy Godmother stipulated was for her to be the bell of the ball and to 'leg it by midnight!', which she just about did leaving the freshly besotted prince with one glass slipper as she 'legged it' a little awkwardly wit only one slipper on. The besotted love sick prince went to every girl in the kingdom to see if the slipper fitted anyone ,funnily enough it fitted only one bedraggled girl, so they got married ,Cinders forgave her family and ,Yep!, you guessed it ...They all did!

                Then ,lest we forget the gorgeous Snow White. We know she was gorgeous 'cos the queen who was fairly tasty herself and knew it and liked to be reminded of it by way of a magic mirror. She'd say, according to the Disney film,"Mirror ,mirror on the wall ,who's the prettiest of them all?"or something like that .The mirror always replied in total agreement ,until one day it said the queen was beautiful ,but not a patch on Snow White ,who'd obviously blossomed into girlyhood. She sent one of her men to dump her in the forest again ,but to bring her lungs and heart back to show she was dead. The fellah couldn't do it and brought a wild boars lungs, etc back ,which would've worked if the magic mirror hadn't 'grassed him up!'
                   Snow White stumbled across the home of the Seven dwarves who let the most beautiful creature in the land stay with them if she cleaned and cooked n' stuff for them.....Hey there lads ,them dwarves ,aren't they? The queen still wasn't going to give up getting rid of the competition, she tracked her down withthat grass of a magic mirror and tied a really tight laced bodice onto to suffocate her. The dwarves found her ,watched for a while, i mean a tight bodice on the most beautiful creature in the land? They probably took a few pictures then drew lots to see who'd take it off. The queen got more and more 'pissed off' as her attempts to kill Snow White failed ,poisoned combs, poisoned apples,removed by a handsome prince who married Snow White and invited the queen to the wedding and put her feet into red hot metal shoes which were so hot she had to dance until she died!....She didn't live happily ever after ,but i'll give you a guess who did.

                   There was Jack who lived with his mum and an ex-milking cow. Jack took the cow to sell at market ,but was sidetracked by an old fellah who offered him some seeds for the cow which Jack took ,his mam went mad and sent him to bed, flingig the seeds out of the window .The following morning a giant beanstalk stood reaching into the clouds. Jack thought for some reason "I know i'll climb to the top of that giant beanstalk which he promptly did. When he got to the top he saw the oddest thing ,a giants castle at 30,000 feet. He knocked on the door and Mrs Giant answered and invited him in and hid him from the Giant of the house who ,apparently didn't like "...The blood of an Englishman!" Jack thanked Mrs Giants kindness by nicking abag of gold and 'legging it. But the next night he nicked a goose that layed golden eggs. The following night he 'half-inched' a harp that played itself which woke the giant who chased Jack down the stalk, Jack got an axe and toppled the beanstalk and the giant was splattered over Englands green and blood red splattered pleasant land, Jack and his mum ,i dont know if they were happy ,ever after , i don't know if they like harp music. And theres Mrs Giant Widow ,nobody gave her a thought.

                       Witches abound demanding the babies off expectant mothers .Rapunzel was taken and imprisioned in a tower and her only visitor was the evil witch who would climb her hair which was as long as the tower. One day a handsome prince heard her singing and saw the witch getting up the tower ,thinking ,she's a bit of alright i'll try thaat and charmed his way up Rapunzels golden locks and something else ,apparently as the witch soon noticed her dress seemed tight and realised she was pregnant, cut her hair off and threw her out of the tower , threw the prince out who was blinded in the bushes ,but eventually after wandering blindly through that wood he heard Rapunzel singing to her new twin kids and she cured his blindness she may have looked like Sinead O'Connor for a while ,but 'TALHEA!

                   Little red riding hood , on her way to her grannies was overtaken by a very smart evil wolf who went to grannies pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood and senile ol' Granny fell for it and let him in ,whereupon he swallowed her whole. Dressing up as Granny the wolf got into bed and pulled the same scam on Little Red Riding Hood, who not having senility as a valid excuse fell for it after noting Granny seemed to have a ;Deep voice ;Big eyes and big hands. Whicch combined to make it better to welcome her wit ;See her with and hug her with......Then he swallowed her! A tree cutter passing saw this marched in ,split the wolf open and out came a slighty gastric juice soaked Granny and grandaughter who all lived....Ohhh you know!

                      All good blood and gore ....Theres the pied piper of Hamlin who was contracted by the town mayor to get rid of a plague of rats ,which he duly did ,drowning them in a local stream. But they wouldn't pay him ,a situation as any good cartoonist can relate to,so he leads all the towns children away ,never to be seen again ,the story is oen ended ,did he kill them ,or have his 'evil way' ,definitly no happy ending in that one!

Thursday, 11 September 2014


When i were 'nobbut a lad' in the 'swinging 60's'( much as it pains me to admit it!)....Music to me was the theme tunes to classics on the telly like; 'SUPERCAR', FIREBALL XL5, STINGRAY and later 'THUNDERBIRDS. And lest we forget DOCTOR WHO and another personal favourite of mine was 'GARRISONS GORILLA'S! The joys of MERSEYBEAT were lost to me ,except for the CILLA BLACK show and for some very strange unexplainable reason i fancied the pre nose job Cilla something rotten . Even more inexplicably i enjoyed and still do enjoy some of her major hits. The other one i liked was PETULA CLARKE....She had the voice of an angel and when i heard 'DOWNTOWN' i loved it and couldn't stop whistling it. Even today ,even typing about it ,i'm whistling the damn tune. We went to see her last year in Manchester and she was still good and i was whistling that damn tune for weeks. The funny thing was when i mentioned it to anyone a few minutes later they'd be humming or singing it. Without doubt it is the most infectious pop song ever!....Don't listen to it without ear muffs and a bio defence suit on!

Years later i'd watch bands in pubs ,even old cellars in dingy back streets in the fair city of Liverpool which gave me an idea of how it was in a variety of pubs ,clubs and dingy cellars in those days where in that fine city the biggest music explosion took place and the world is still shaking now! A whole heap of our own local lads inspired by BILL HALEY, ELVIS and LONNIE DONEGHAN and his home made 'SKIFFLE' band made their own bands and started playing something called 'ROCK N' ROLL' clad in leather and brycreem'ed hair they played bloody awful stuff wherever they could. A similar sister port to LIVERPOOL was the naughty red lights of HAMBURG where a lot of the bands served an apprenticeship playing all day and night in various strip joints. One group of four greasy leather clad rockers who hit Hamburg and came home to tell the tale and got quite a following in their home town was 'THE SILVER BEATLES', soon shortened to 'THE BEATLES.'....They started playing in a dingy cellar called the 'CAVERN' in a dingy back street that now inspires billions of tourists to visit called 'MATTHEW STREET!' The walls would drip with sweat and the toilets would overflow and it was an absolute shit'ole that people would queue for hours to get into and scream their lungs out worshipping these heroes. Bands from all over played at the Cavern ; THE ROLLING STONES; THE WHO and anyone you want to mention. Directly opposite the Cavern is an old Liverpool pub called 'THE GRAPES'...Most of the famous rock stars from then and now drank in there , LENNON n' McCARTNEY wrote in there, but if you go in that musical holy of holies now ....It's a bloody KARIOKE BAR!

For some reason my first record was 'MORNING HAS BROKEN' by CAT STEVENS...Which i swopped for ALICE COOPER'S 'SCHOOLS OUT!' I had never bought an LP, as they were in those black n' white ,far flung vinyl days, so i'd never listened to the 'FAB FOUR' unless they were on the telly. But one day my dad came home with an 8-Track player bought from the biggest 'knocking shop' in the world FORDS, HALEWOOD! He had two 8-Track discs ,i can't remember one ,but the other had a great picture of an exploding pinball machine and it was by a band called 'THE WHO'!

That was me hooked....I played it to death and even bought 'THE BEATLES' and was pleasantly suprised. I didn't buy a lot of records ,etc ,but TOP OF THE POPS' Was onthe telly with 'THE OLD GREY WHISTLE TEST' with 'WHISPERING BOB HARRIS' for the serious rock music follower ,as opposed to the pain in the arse RADIO 1 D.J.s for pop fans, or 'pop-pickers!' all blathering like ,well caricature pop D.J.s that HARRY ENFIELD and PAUL WHITEHOUSE would take the piss out of. 

One thing worse than the D.J.s was the bands in the 70's n' 80's, when'GLAM ROCK!'kicked in, glitz n' glamour was the main thing, make up ,platform shoes ,remember 'THE SWEET'; SLADE; The tartan of 'THE BAY CITY ROLLERS'....(oh god!) . The good thing about them days was that the 'GIGS' were played in theatres like the EMPIRE in Liverpool, old victorian theatres, great for watching a band....I'd've loved to have seen THE WHO with KEITH MOON when they were at their peak in the Empire. Now they play in ARENAS ,massive places requiring the aid of huge videos to see the bands. You often have to stand at ground level ,even though ,nowadays its all seated ,some pains decide they have to stand so everybody has to stand. I remember seeing PAUL McCARTNEY at the KINGS DOCK in Liverpool and getting stuck behind some stupid bastard with his girlfriend waving her arms sitting on his shoulder. Whenever i see some silly cow sitting on her fellahs shoulder i imagine the 50 yards of people behind who want to rrip her head off ,because i've been there. There was a phase were people lit matches and held them up during the show. Then small cameras ,now telephones and now I-pads held aloft to block the sight of shortarses like myself!

Music is a matter of personal taste and its a case of whatever floats your boat!....I love guitar rock and my hero is PETE TOWNSHEND i can't take my eyes off him when he lets rip. JEFF BECK, DAVE GILMOUR, etc ,etc i've seen them ,all brilliant. The other day we were out having a drink and in THE CAVERN watched a local band and the lead singer was an absolutly blistering guitarist, brilliant! My missus ,the LOVELY LYNNE, plays trombone in a SKA BAND and they're great to watch and through Lynne who started in Brass bands and Swing orchestras ,etc has got me into that stuff and even a smattering of classical music.....Not too much tho'!....She's played on the stage of THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL, and fallen off!.....As did PETE TOWNSHEND...Well ,it impressed me! Recently i've been playing a lot of THE BLUES....Which it must be said Lynne hates.

Music can help your moods .....If THE WHO'S 'LIVE AT LEEDS' doesn't charge your energy levels ,nothing will....If i was feeling pissed off i'd always play 'QUADROPHENIA' that got me buzzing. There are tons of sounds that have an effect.I like prog rock ,saw PETER GABRIEL ,recently ,listening to the old GENESIS stuff. Watched YES recently, then played THE SEX PISTOLS the following day, not progressive, but good! I was playing the soundtrack of some of the JOHN BARRY early JAMES BOND films ,helps me feel like 007 when i'm walking the dog, lean ,mean and licensed to thrill


Friday, 8 August 2014


When i were 'nobbut a lad!' we had what were known as toys!.....Cars ,Guns ,Bown' arrows ,Action men and stuff that have my nostalgia juices running , now i'm at the age where my nostalgia is only matched by my angina!

Remember my JAMES BOND ,ASTON MARTIN DB5....Collectors will tell you if the toy is still in its box its valuable....Any kid will tell you any toy in its box has no value . The value was in the little buttons around the base of the metal ,not plastic,metal body. These buttons fired missiles; put up the rear bullet sheild; and of course ,how could we forget.....THE EJECTOR SEAT! 'THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.' also had their car with a big discreet U.N.C.L.E. logo plastered across the bonnet. When you pressed a button NAPOLEON SOLO and ILYA KURYACKEN popped out of the window armed with a pistol. There was the 'CAPTAIN SCARLET' S.P.V.(Spectrum Persuit Vehicle) Complete with rocket launcher and a side opening door with captain Blue or Captain Scarlet sitting back to front as they drove backwards viewing through an internal screen. 

In addition to cars of which i had a massive collection i moved onto rockets and had all the 'THUNDERBIRDS' when you rolled them on their wheels sparks inside red plastic cover over the back made it look like booster rockets. I even had a plastic 'STINGRAY' for playing with in the bath....You need something to play with in the bath!!!..?

Then, of course as all snotty little kids, i loved war and weapons .....I remember hitting my dad with a sucker tipped arrow on the side of his head causing him to pour the mug of tea he was carrying over himself....Oh how he laughed!

He didn't know how well off he was until they bought me the amazing JOHNNY SEVEN !!......It ws so heavily armed you could invade a foreign country with a one without leaving the living room or hall. They had everything....Missiles, rockets, bullets, grenades and a detachable pistol that fired caps loud bangs and the smell of spent matches fill my mind as i type this. There was various sized rockets ,all of which firesd with, it has to be said a fair velocity and hit with a good belt ,as my late dad could've vouched. There was a grenade launcher and a plastic bullet firing gun. If 'RAMBO' had had one JOHNNY SEVEN he'd have won a lot more wars!

Then we had ACTION MAN!!!!....Everybody goes on about real hair ,swivel eyes worked from a knob on the back of his head....No knobhead jokes ,notice ,i must be maturing, now i'm 54. And pull the string and he says all Action man manly military stuff, but this was the later model and was crap! It had hinged joints ,whereas the older model didn't have these added extras ,with painted black hair, but what it did have was elasticated ball and socket joints so you could literally position the figure in absolutly any position your warped young mind could envision.....In fact we had a ball in shops twisting Action Men into disgusting sexual positions as those nasty little puberty  teenage hormones started 'kicking in!'....But he had all uniforms and guns and even had a Mercury style space capsule....We explored the universe and fought wars without leaving the living room or the staircase .

Later moved onto the beloved AIRFIX models and the ceiling was covered with various aircraft having the biggest dogfight in Aerial military history ...Spitfires shooting down Phantom fighters; Lancaster bombers attacking Hawker Harriers,etc, etc....

Lest we forget in those days we used to interact with other kids of our age and the family ,we got our racing bikes ,i never got a 'Chopper' ,in fact nobody i knew had one ,there was a few 'moonhoppers 'bouncing around the street and a few resultant cracked skulls....We had a few leather caseballs and played a lot of footy on the park as well as some violence orientated games involving getting chased then getting the 'living shite kicked 'outta ya!'....

The next game we discovered wasn't very succesful...GURLS(hem ,hem)....The occassional snog at the youth club disco!!!!.....So we moved on....Discovered DRINKING!...And games and playing was replaced by 'PLAYING AROUND!'..Which i still dabble a little with even now.

I see kids and i never see toys ,as such as we all know all the want is an i-pad ,telephone ,texty, bleepy thing ,or whatever the hell is 'it' at the moment. I spoke to my family when i had my toys ,i spent a lot of time alone with the greatest toy of all my imagination !....The horrors are enschonsed in their bedroom for months on end and don't speak on the occassions you pass on the landing or in the kitchen, possibly a grunt ,if your lucky(?)...Never mind contact , most parents have forgotten what they're sweet little angel even looks like!

Funnily enough ,maybe its my memory playing tricks ,but it seems boys had the fun on the toy front. Girls had yukky girlie things like dolls .....Action man was not a doll !!!!!...But they make up for it in their later more informative ,intereting years and here we fall into the realm of the sex toys...The various chains that specialise have achieved a respectability ,having shops in your average shoping mall / centre...Or women getting the drink in and having house sales evening for the 'demonstration' of a variety of oddly shaped ,knobbly ,sometimes electrical vibrating 'thingies' some of which require the various scented lubricants also supplied .You also get uniforms to dress up and handcuffs ,so you can play cops n' robbers.......They must have a lot of fun these ladies....Your never too old to play with toys! 


                When you go out on a night on the'razzle' us Brits tend to go for it in our time honoured fashion which, basically consists of going into a crowded room and guzzling as much drink as is inhumanly possible. The beer consists of two types, basically ,lagers which are gaseous and the darker thicker stouts which are sludgey!!!.....Wether we force gaseous liquids or thick sludge under increasing pressure into our system ,after a bit ,in it's own special way the body starts to make its discomfort known in a variety of recognisable ways to both the person involved and ,unfortunatly for those sharing their company. 

The symptoms of this physical rebellion against high pressure liquids and gasses forced into the body consist of the emission of high pressure noxious gasses, commonly known as 'farts!'...Rumbling guts and the high pressure emission of the bladder and ocassionly the stomach contents. Not pleasant at all!

But somewhere a scientist sliding down a toilet cubicle wall after the suffering described above put the hard learned lessons to good use and developed the theory that would lead to the process known as FRECKING!

In theory if you force high pressure liquids and gas into anything ,something has got to give and something will come out the other end????

So one day up in the drinking capital of the country around the North West where we understand the principles involved in drinking to excess ,so FRECKING sounded like just giving the ground a drink ...Our green n' pleasant land has sustained us for long enough and deserves a wee drinkie!

So high pressure fluids were forced deep into the ground and like its human counterparts gas and fluids were emitted in the form of gas and oil, which to the politicians and fuel companies was 'absolutly super!' As pound signs filled their eyes and minds, so enraptured with the financial boom that the good ground had peed ,burped and farted out they were quite happy to dismiss the 'rumblings!'?

The boozed up lands 'rumblings' took the form of a mild earthquake!.....But it was only 'mild!' so , of course thats ok!....But considering the area isn't exactly 'The Pacific Rim ' not known for fault lines; Volcanic activity and general drastic seismic disasters suddenly has an earthquake after a good night on the 'Freck!'....Understandebly the locals who sat watching their cups n' saucers rattling on their shelves were understandebly perturbed by the ussually reliable floor suddenly taking it upon itself to bounce and rattle and even crack slightly. But ,of course those who know better reassured us there was nothing to worry about. Even when our cuz'n's in the U.S. reported a drastic increase in seismic house rattling ground shaking earthquakes due to increase in 'Frecking'....The yanks in charge are even more worse money grabbing bastards then our lot so the 'people' were ignored and on it goes!

As we all know we have a special relationship with 'our cuz'n's'......That means our goverment want to be quids/dollars in with the powers that be in Washington, so it would be in all our benefit to keep them happy and ,funnily enough an announcement was made for the go ahead for licenses to be awarded for Fracking operations to take place all over our green n' pleasant land.....They stressed that areas of natural beauty will be spared which leaves the rest of the country to look like those Texas oilfields with nothing ,but pumps and smoke and fire as far as the eye can see.

When you drink a lot you get a beer belly...I magine the country with one huge expanding beerbelly.....Probably around Birmingham ,which will rise above the surrounding countryside, a little like Yellowstone park which is swelling and one day likely to explode in a huge volcanic eruption.....Some say that Brum exploding wouldn't be a bad thing, but it would disrupt the hi-speed rail link ,the other bright idea!

When you see Marilyn Monroe with that draft up her gusset shot that could be happening all over as gas spurts up the new faults and cracks in our pavements from our constantly rumbling frecked out green bits and totally unpleasant land!

Friday, 18 July 2014


The other day as i was starting to blubber, sob and generally embark on a total emotional collapse at the prospect of the next day being my 54 th birthday.....This harrowing prospect was compounded by our beloved 'JESTER' editor ,tha t ELLERY person who went and  got in touch to see if i would do a blurb on 'AGE?'.....So i found a prominent vein and sought a sharp knife, but as we have a brand new kitchen i couldn't find the cuttlery draw, so i could end it all ,so i s'pose i'd better write something.

So now i've hit the far too advanced ,as far as i'm concerned , age of the big 54. My daughter whose birthday falls on the same day as mine (15 th July), she's 16 and combined with a big operation in hospital which she's just getting over meant that my thunder was well and truly stolen!

So another year has ripped through the calendar, far quicker than the previous year ,which was faster than the previous years.....If  OLD FATHER TIME IS FIRING YEARLY BULLETS , HE MAY BE RUNNING LOW ON AMMO, BUT HIS RATE OF FIRE HAS INCREASED!!!!....When i see pictures of myself as a cute little baby in old black n' white photos with cute little black n' white sailor suit with white dummies.....Teen pictures were full of colour ,now as i look at myself in photos ,the photos are in digital colour ,but i'm in digital grey and white and getting more so. My character forming crinkles /laughter lines are now just plain old wrinkles. This isn't just a build up of birthdays, but a full blown law of the universe, One of the laws of Thermodynamics the 'LAW OF ENTROPY'.....There you go, you thought it was just age ,but never dreamed you were a indesputable  law of physics.

Entropy is quite simply the decay and increase in disarray and chaos in the whole universe. Whenever they demonstrate it on telly science shows , they ussually show a cup of coffee falling off a table to shatter on the floor, exploding into fragments all over the floor. The human body is a little like that ,except it was in a plastic bag , so the cup explodes into fragments within the bag which is our skin, so the cup and the liquid within are our 'innards'. So our early days are whizzing through the air, all joyous and fun ,then comes a moment of impact around our late teens ,early twenties when we start to crack and break up and as the years pass the bits become more disconnected and less efficient and our innards become more disconnected and disjointed within our fleshy sack which is supported by muscles and holds the insides in check. As time goes on the muscles fade and the body takes on a more 'portly' demeaner, often referred to as 'middle aged spread 'as the innards are forcing their way out as we shrink ,but widen.The skin which as age eats into us loses its healthy glow ,paling to match the grey of the hair ,or whats left....The elasticity is lost and becomes more parchment like and the broken entropically ravaged chaos inside does tend to make the odd break into the outside world via a variety of spots ,abcesses and puss- pumping poc marks. Which isn't pleasant for the person involved or those around.

People always go on about wisdom comes with age......Or is it failing mental faculties ...Wisdom or dementia?....I'm not sure i can't remember what i was on about!

Tuesday, 17 June 2014


I have to admit to never being a great fan of  'FANTASY'....I'm more of a SCIENCE FICTION fan. SWORD AND SORCERY  isn't real life enough for me . I want ;Faster than light space ships ; Ray guns ; Horrible evil robots ; Gut busting aliens ; worm holes through black holes....You know all the real life ,genuine stuff backed up by science and technology. SWORD AND SORCERY ?...Well a time of wizards and demons ; Dragons and serpents and muscley half naked men and women roamed the barren wastes cutting other muscley men and women with swords forged from the metal forges of gods. God! There was lots of gods in them days. Every town village and fortress or city was full of gods , only outnumbered by the holy men and evil sects that worshipped them. The gods were very greedy in these times. All they seemed to want was lots of sexy ladies as human sacrifices and lots of jewels and treasure ,which seems reasonable enough!

The world of fantasy is very fond of swords and warriors. One of the most famous was ROBERT .E. HOWARD'S 'CONAN, THE BARBARIAN'. A big beefy bloke from the frozen "Eeeh it's grim up North!" wastes of CIMMERIA. But he came down south wearing animal skins ;Horned helmets and most important his massive sword forged by those unbeatable northern swordsmiths from unbreakable northern steel, which helped him as he was a bit of a bad tempered sort and picked fights with gangs and armies and more than a few dragons and serpents. He became a thief and tended to nick 'THE CRYSTAL OF THYTORACKACDACKODACK' or the DIAMOND OF SALOAMONDIPIDDTYDUDAH'. These juicey items were always guarded by beastly man eating beasts, so CONAN, being of a butch ,manly persuasion and having the beasts drooling had to fight and slaughter these devil beasts. Shouting to his own god, a guy called 'CROM!'....."By Crom i say thee nay!"...." And with this sword Crom will strike you down!" and lots of friendly endearing stuff like that, i read some of the books ,but i got most of my CONAN stuff from MARVEL COMICS.

MARVEL got into the fantasy stuff with CONAN and KRULL THE CONQUEROR and i think a couple of others. KRULL and CONAN made a few low budget telly series along with a very tasty 'well-proportioned 'Warrior princess ,whom you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of ,XENA. CONAN was made into two quite big films with ,'Who else ,but ARNIE!', which weren't bad ,even with GRACE JONES in the second one. I don't believe for a minute ,even in the heights of fantasy CONAN/ARNIE could ever beat GRACE JONES....I mean JAMES BOND struggled!

The 'daddy of fantasy is ,of course 'THE HOBBIT' and 'THE LORD OF THE RINGS'.  I've never read them and i'm ashamed to admit i've never watched the films all the way through. I had a chortle the other day, tho'! I picked up a copy and opened it at a page and it was a wizard telling someone :"To cross some plain: until you reach the mountains of something , then cross the sea of wotsit and enter the forests of thingey!".....I dont know if this was for the rings or for a 'packet of fags ,a loaf of bread and some p.g. Tips, or something!'.....It just seemed to sum up it all up.

All the wizards did everything for the common man of which everyone was one and as his spells and potions did everything ,no inventions or technology ever shows in fantasy. Razors didn't exist as everyone had swords and daggers which were honed to razor sharpness and so they could shave. The only ones who didn't carry blades were the smart arse wizards who all had beards down to their feet. Thats why they carried those really long staffs ,not to fight with ,but to swipe the beards from round their feet before they tripped over their facial hair and went arse over pointy hat !

Wednesday, 11 June 2014


ONCE UPON A TIME.....In the 60's and 70's comedy was MORECOMBE AND WISE; DICK EMERY ;BENNY HILL and MIKE YARWOOD....All of which i am quite happy to admit to quite liking even as it is very un P>C. to admit it to a certain finger on the pulse age range who are currently under the age of 50. The night clubs were full of comedians in dinner suits ,telling 'mother in law jokes' and 'Irish' jokes ,oddly enough mostly irishmen(?)...And many whom i saw in pokey little pubs and clubs were great and funny. They didn't fill arenas and sit on panel shows being clever and smart arsed , they were out every night playing to some rough audiences and making their living for a relative pittance before the bingo!

In the 80's education (students) decided they were funnier than the old farts of the previous generation ,they could come up with clever 'on the edge ' stuff not relying on 'Stereotypical comedy....Ho-hum!'...The 'COMEDY CLUB' was formed and a new set of comedians evolved under the mantle of ALTERNATIVE HUMOUR....The old joke was ,that it was an alternative to humour ,and, in a lot of cases it was true. I remember being up in Edinburgh during the festival and my girlfriend at the time and some of her friends went to a comedy show .....God it was awful! 

A few faces appeared on telly . One i liked was a character called KEVIN TURVEY and he would rant about what had got his 'gander up' ,a very odd character indeed! played by a certain RIK MAYALL. H disappeared for a while to explode back with his performing partner and co writer ADE EDMONDSON and a few others in an explosion of anarchic violence, slapstick and bad taste in something called 'THE YOUNG ONES.' Rik layed 'RIK' ,the 'peoples poet and mad CLIFF RICHARD fan; NEIL, the hippy and Ade Edmondson , Rik's fellow 'DANGEROUS BROTHER' from their insane violent stage act carrying on their violence as ADE played the psycopathic punk VYVIAN . Even today as they carry on showing the 'shows' , i defy anybody not to cringe at some of the 'hits that ADE,RIK and NEIL inflict and have inflicted on each other.

The show was a good springboard for many of their fellow 'ALTERNATIVES' at the time ;ALEXEI SAYLE, FRENCH and SAUNDERS; RUBY WAX and a heap of bands from the 80's who would perform from the bombsite that was their house.

All went their seperate ways ,but would all turn up occassionally on various shows through the years ,the main constant in it all was RIK and ADE. Their constant arguing and violence was a constant under the guise of different characters, a few were made ,but the most popular was 'BOTTOM'. RIK played a number of 'way over the top roles in series such as 'BLACK ADDER.' But got his own smash hit as the totally rotten MP ,ALAN B'STARD in 'THE NEW STATESMAN.' He had some acting work and appeared in various dramas and even films. And life seemed sweet.

An accident on a Quad -Bike put him in a coma for a good while and left him with EPILEPSY afterwards and having to heap piles of medication as sufferers do! The ADE and RIK partnership  split due to reasons around this ,but they both seemed to prosper and seemed almost respectable. ADE ,once VYVIAN is now a country traveller and presenter, DOC MARTENS replaced by WELLIES!

But that dark spectre of EPILEPSY which can strike anytime hit RIK MAYALL but he wasn't going to wake exhausted, sore with a chewed tongue this time ,the heart gave out and R.I.P. RIK MAYALL, Not the only good thing to come out of the ALTERNATIVE COMEDY stuff ,but the best with ADE ,who said how they laughed so much working together and now :"HE'S GONE AND DIED ,LEAVING ME BEHIND ,THE BASTARD!"....Or words to that effect!


Thursday, 29 May 2014


THERE'S A  BUNCH  of people we all hate.....Full of opinions and rubbish to say for themselves on and about everyone and everything else and entitles them to do silly things like  ,join silly things like debating societies at school  and stuff like that, not particually guaranteed to enamour them to the rest of us scally nose picking, footy in the yard (42/side with a tennis ).....As the years go on these people become more convinced they 'Have something to say!'....And as time goes on they :'Have something to say' ...on an increasing number of things ,then in this evolution of opinionated pains in the arse there comes a point where they 'Have a lot to say on everything!' This is a sure sign of the onset of an interest in current affairs which sure as little exspense accounts are nice nest eggs this will lead to an interest in POLITICS!!!!!

Politics is what?....I know i don't know and most people wouldn't actually have a definition that would make it clear. But on the other hand if you inquired as to a colourful definition as to what a POLITICIAN was you would get one ,i would imagine!!!!

A politician is somebody who has a lot to say on everything they have no knowledge or experiance about. A politician promises 'the world' for votes ,knowing they haven't a chance of delivering. They might be voted in and a week later they're in an office and in charge of the ;Health Service, National Defence ,The nations transport system, with no experiance ,but plenty of party line opinions and civil service 'Sir Humphries' to guide them.

A politician thinks they can do what they can't.....If they can ,the things they should do they don't....And if they are capable ,shouldn't be allowed to. The best job for a politician is in opposition ,all you need do is disagree with the party in power, grunt and shout and that ,basically is it , even i could do it and it's on expenses!

As the goverment and the main parties are a useless waste of space ,promising the world ,etc ,but not delivering , there is a funny side effect to this and that is the nation....Thats us ! Gets thoroughly pissed off. They vote out the party in power and vote the other in. Then come the next time it's reversed again and we're back to square one until next time. This is whensome  of   the would be politicians who 'Want to change things!?' go off and form their own gangs and promise the stuff the goverment(or them!)  haven't any chance or intention of doing....They'll never run the place ,but people vote for them to give the established shitheads a kick in their policies.

Just recently a big mouthed beer guzzling cigar puffing ,ex-punk called NIGEL FARAGE  and his UKIP party have caused a bit of a ripple in local and European elections ,all very impressive ,then the politician and his big mouth and tiny brain comes out .....DAYS AFTER AN ENGLISH NUTTER OPENS FIRE ON A COLLEGE IN AMERICA....What does Nigel ,in his knowledgeable considered opinion want ,but TO LEGALISE GUNS IN THE UK!!!!!

Wednesday, 28 May 2014


THE OTHER DAY IBOOKED A TAXI !......"My,  what a breathtakingly exciting life you do lead, Tim!" I can hear you enviously say. Well stop being sarcastic arse'oles and listen, as i introduce you to the secrets of the universe by taxi, and it's me paying!....There! I thought that'd grab your attention, you moneygrabbibng tight fisted  gobshites, ya!

Anyhow as i stood awaiting my chariots' arrival, gazing out of the window up the empty quiet close, the phone rang. I picked it up as it's on the window sill and answered as i carried on my expectant vigil. A highly educated Warrington voice inquired as to my whereabouts as : "I'm hangin' on outside of your drive, are you ready yet?....".....I told him that he wasn't on my drive . He replied ,sounding a little impatient that he was and gave me my address and how he was definitley outside my address and he was looking straight at it. As i couldn't see anything ,anybody or a car with phone numbers plastered over the side i gently informed him :"He bloody wasn't outside my house!".....A less than polite reposte was suddenly interrupted  as a cab pulled up in front of the house. I got in and the conversation wasn't mentioned. Did it happen ? Did i imagine it ? Where mysterious forces at work?

When i called a taxi a while later to take me and the Leatherbarrow offspring home he apologised for taking his time due to traffic as :"He'd explained when we spoke on the phone!" But we hadn't spoken on the phone ,but he insisted we had....I was getting a little worried. The oening theme of the TWILIGHT ZONE was going through my head. A favourite of that programme was PARALLEL UNIVERSES ....Was i getting glimpses of another TIM LEATHERBARROW'S breathtakingly exciting life in a parallel reality?

PROFFESSOR RICHARD FEYNMAN one of the greats of physics theorised about multiple if not infinite events each causing and creating its own univers ,each cause , causes an effect ant that effect creates its own reality ,so ,basically anything that can happen will happen and will form its own universe. So somewhere in this QUANTUM UNIVERSAL INFINITIES is TIM leatherbarrow having wild exciting times living like JAMES BOND , INDIANA JONES ,BUCK RODGERS, FLASH GORDON, KENNETH WILLIAMS and the list goes on . As all these other Tim Leatherbarrows go whizzing off into there self created universes
i'm stuck in this one ,not exactly whizzing along ,more clattering along pulled by a QUANTUMversion of a donkey and cart. Out there in the infinity of possible dimensions ,whatever could happen to me is happening right now ,except on this one so i'm writing this crappy blog , because i've got the time ,whereas i'm unable to on an infinite number of quantum universes and dimensions as i'm having a ball, or going to one and the taxi's waiting on the drive for me!


Tuesday, 6 May 2014


NOW IS THAT OR IS THAT NOT A BEGINNING OF A TELLY PROGRAMME?.....Lousy special effects ; over the top dramatic voice over ,but ,still it is absolutly brilliant!..."A short cut he never found!..."...."..A lone deserted diner!..."...."..A man too long without sleep to carry on his journey!.." ...Great stuff. You knew it was time for 'THE INVADERS' one of the classic series from the 60's.

Nowadays they don't even bother with opening titles ,credits ,themes ,just straight in and over the next half hour or so of a 1 hour show the credits appear along the bottom of the screen ,very distracting and annoying. Gone are the days of the classic openings and theme tunes.

THE INVADERS was quite simply about an architect named DAVID VINCENT.  He was played by a good looking in a sharp featured lean way by an actor called  ROY THINNES. He was to achieve British fame as the first GERRY ANDERSON character without strings in his first real life actor filmed effort called 'JOURNEY TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE SUN'. In the INVADERS he stops for a rest as he is lost and stumbles across a landing site of ..."A ship from another galaxy!"....Thus started his one man war against the aliens.

The aliens had transformed themselves into human form and , to be honest as you watched the series every character from the highest politician to the lowest street cleaner was an alien that had been infiltrated into society. They had to be regenerated every so often in specially designed portable units .They would be put into glass tubes and the clever aliens were regenerated. They had no heartbeat, or pulse. Their little finger wouldn't bend.....I remember seeing some well brought up people at a restaurant as a kid and pointing out the aliens drinking with their little finger sticking out...I told me dad ,hoping to save the world and got an elbow in my ribs for my heroic action!.....Also they didn't bleed if cut and if they were killed they would burn up in a red glow leaving a tiny bit of ash to show where they'd been.

David Vincent , inbetween freelance jobs would troll through newspapers to find strange and weird occurences  that could be those nasty invaders plotting and scheming to destroy us ....And of he'd go in his 1960's caddillac's with the highly sprung suspension which were in all those 60's shows would either give you travel sickness or sea sickness. David Vincent , as played by Roy Thinnes had an edgy quality to him and the stunning success of the series is totally down to him. He was no nice hero ,but seemed to me bad tempered, but if  everybody thinks your nuts and your constantly running around in mortal danger trying desperatly to find, but unable to unearth solid proof proof , frustration would set in and build up .  His life is constantly being threatened and he can trust absolutly no one andif there was nobody would believe him anyway.....It would piss you off, i s'pose!

I bought the series on E-BAY a while back, then THE HORROR CHANNEL on SKY started showing them again ,so i started watching them again. Now they've finished The Horror Channel is showin a lot of the old DOCTOR WHO's ....Horror seem to want to scrape the telly vaults for these old classic series and thats fine by me. 

Monday, 31 March 2014


When i were 'nobbut a lad' in the 60's n' early 70's ,my dad took me to the FORDS social club and for the next few months i was slung around the mat of the JUDO club......after that closed ,he then took me to a local school were they were doing this KARATE thingey.....This was well before BRUCE LEE and 'KUNG FU' on the telly....KARATE was JAMES BOND,etc chopping guards on the back of the neck to knock them out to aid their attempt at breaking into various secret enemy bases.

That afternoon ,during a school holiday we'd been thrown out of WIDNES BATHS, now long gone ,for being little scally pains in the arse . The guy who slung us out was reasonable and polite ,but you wouldn't argue with him. As we entered the KARATE class for that first time and asked the instructor if we could join in ,we got a shock when it turned out it was the same fellah who slung us out ,but SENSEI JOHN TATTUM didn't seemed to notice and was a nice bloke and over the next few years ,a great sensei teaching KARATE  in all its forms and techniques ,unlike today where it is basically sport orientated and a lot of techniques and basics are neglected.

I discovered 'FIGHTING ARTS' magazine published and edited by the great TERRY O'NEILL, who ,in later years i was blessed in having as my sensei for a few years. One of his two main Japanese senseis that came to ENGLAND in the 60's and ,basically started the whole 'sheebang'!....ENOEDA KEINOSUKE, nicknamed the TIGER!.....And for good reason. He was amazing ,took a love for the UK and stayed and basically made the BRITISH great ,esspecially the LIVERPOOL RED TRIANGLE the best in the world ! With him ,in charge was KANAZAWA HIROKAZU....Who didn't stay as long in the UK, but made his mark as they were two absolute masters of their art and decades later the top karateka's  have these two to thank.

In the FIGHTING ARTS  magazine was an article on KANAZAWA with pictures of flying kicks ,etc ,all great stuff to a killing machine schoolboy, who promptly found two books by KANAZAWA and ENOEDA and much to my shame 'nicked them!

I read a lot about KANAZAWA , he was a bit more 'mystical' and i was fascinated. I met and trained with ENOEDA twice ,i remember accidentally walking into him ,and he stood with golden skin and gleaming white KARATE GI.....He glowed, i was stunned, i mean nothing gleamed in WIDNES!...Then his speed and power was awsome , he scared the living daylights out of me

KANAZAWA who had been a student of the JKA(Japanese Karate Association) in the 70's had some problems and formed his own breakaway organisation the S.K.I.(Shotokan Karate International) which in the years since i think is possibly one ,if not ,the biggest organisation on the planet ,but it meant KANAZAWA spent most of his life criss crossing the globe training seminors for his beloved and faithful followers in the S.K.I.

When i went to live in INDIA i met up with SENSEI  SUBERAMANYAN who i joined up to train at some god awful time ,in the park ,every morning. The difference between my time in LIVERPOOL training with the KUGB(Karate Union Of Great Britain) was that the training was hard and physical and started leaning towards competition, stretching ,tension and grunting and screaming ,but the SKI incorporated TAI-CHI and KANAZAWA had a heavy emphasis on breathing ,which i didn't understand for a long time. I loved the TAI-CHI and would love to get back into it,but theres just no one nearby. SENSEI SUBRAMANYAN then told me after a terrible injury i'd suffered as i was getting back on my feet literally ,we'd moved to KUALUR LUMPUR and he called from INDIA to invite me over as KANCHO KANAZAWA was coming to BANGALORE and would i like to meet and train with him.....Would i /???????

I met him ,spoke with him ,dined with him and he was an amazing man ,a humble ,friendly ,very humourous man. We had a few days training and unbeknownst to me SENSEI SUBRAMANYAN had explained my problems to KANCHOso he watched me over the few days to determine wether i was due to recieve my BLACK BELT. i had been training very slow relaxed excercises as i was trying desperatly to get back into some form of shape, which i did and found the ability to move with speed and power using relaxation. Kancho explained breathing , but i was so used to the grunting way of doing things i couldn't adapt.I had been doing things as i was told never relly understanding ,so much. Only when i started the TAI-CHI and  I met KANCHO KANAZAWA and  SENSEI SUBRAMANYAN did it suddenly make sense.  A year or so later and spent some time with KANAZAWA again thanks to IRENE TCH a good friend and representative for the SKI in MALAYSIA and he explained again his philosophy again. It took a year or so for me to understand and now i have the speed and power and flexibility ,better than any other time in my life by the use of his advice about relaxing ,breathing and harmony. When i read about him now i constantly rediscover something new ,i'm 53 ,but ,at last its falling into place. 

ONE THE DAY IN bangalore After the gradings had taken place ,i was summoned out at the end ,after he'd gone through every single person with a bit of advice for all. I was called 'MISTER TIM', nobody could say LEATHERBARROW, i had to join him on stage as we filled some documents and certificates ,he never said anything about my technique, but said i needed to improve my handwriting!......My Karates fine, but my handwriting stinks!....As i left the stage the whole hall erupted in cheering and clapping for me...After the hell i'd been through.....MRS SUBRAMANYAN was sitting at the back of the hall with a huge smile .....You can take the lad out of LIVERPOOL, but you can't take LIVERPOOL out of the lad..My martial art discipline, walking straight and erect totally collapsed.I held my fist up ,shouted "YEEESSSSSSS!!!!" then burst into tears, i'd survived a life threatening accident ,recovered ,met my hero and he awarded me my black belt ,quite frankly the best moment in my life, family aside!

The poster for the training seminar was a spectacular shot of KANAZAWA kicking a block of ice to smithereens.....When he entered the hall he got a splinter in his big toe and had to wear a bandage tied round it with sort of rabbit ears sticking up. which he thought as funny as me as i burst out laughing ,as everyone else was trying to be subtle and repectful, as i said ...You can take the lad!......

Soke KANAZAWA is in his 80's , i believe he had a skiing accident and is suffering a little ,but retired from 'leggin' around the world constantly ,his excellent assistant instructors who've travelled trained and taught with him for years as well as his sons ,all excellent martial artists in their own right taking hold and carrying the KANAZAWA/ SKI torch onwards.

Friday, 17 January 2014


LOVE!.....AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh isn't it lovely?.....We all fall in love ,our brain apparently is disconnected and the heart is brought into the equation ,or is it 'the gut'?, but that is'nt too romantic....Romance is the word that applies to all things LOVE-related...And has become a multi billion money making industry as everything from flowers to rare stones and jewellry; Greetings cards; Food; cloths ; Places ;Shows : everything is now considered  as fair game and can be considered romantic. 
Romance and love is considered ,well lovely ,pure ,good ,decent  and  is the mainstay of the  music industry ,just think how many songs of all kinds are about boys n' girls ,not  'banging the lumps of each other , sweating and grunting lustily ,no way!...Love is lovely smiles ,twinkling eyes ; Holding hands ;Thinking all the time of the subject of your love ,generally referred to as the 'BELOVED!'  ....Actually its potentially very dangerous as ,apparently the object  of your desire fills your waking and sleeping hours ,so if your not concenterating on the tasks in hand, sleep deprivation could affect your performance and temperament , in fact this love struck exhaustion could interfere with your love, as you become bad tempered and tired and possibly unemployed as your boss is sick and tired of the sparkly eyed ,happy love struck pain in the arse screwing up his business and annoying everybody around. This could cloud the light of perfection that your beloved sees you with her rose coloured spectacles, and being in love could screw it up for you . Very comlicated thing this love stuff!

When GOD created EDEN and stuck ADAM there ,he was getting really pissed off with this boring bastard that he'd lumbered himself with. It wasn't really Adam's fault he was the only person in the world so his conversation and experiances and funny stories and opinions on life ,sport and current affairs was a little lacking ,to put it mildly.
God dropped another fellah there with him for company, they could go to the pub together ,but the pubs were emptier than they are these days. They could talk football, but the remier league wasn't around and being as this was paradise EDEN CITY F.C. never lost a game, so that never worked the two were twice as boring as the one.
God thought this original 'Gay Marriage 'wasn't really working , so he took the 'partner 'and adapted the 'dangly bits' converting to lumps and bumps which became EVE....When Adam saw her ,in shock he exclaimed  "WO!, man?" ,so God thought ,"Thats a good name ..WOMAN!"
The dangly bits and lumpy bits didn't really have the desired effect, Eve used to go off and went on the very first fruit diet which got them thrown out of EDEN, still not attracted to the woman Adam blurted "Oh cover yourself up , woman!"....She demanded the same , so when they covered themselves in fig leaves a very strange thing occurred .They fancied each other rotten ,even though they new full well what lay beneath the fig leaves, they desperatly wanted to  see the wares , the brain was disconnected as the body became a bubbling cauldron of biochemicals and  after a lot of very strange experimentation sex and lust was invented.

There was no such thing as love , just slobbering lust and sex....They didn't have babies in those days they 'Begat!'.....If you look in the Bible the first 400 pages are these brothers begatting each other ,so as there was no other women ,they were the most inbred family ,ever!....In fact it is this that has caused mankind to be the sickest ,most deranged bunch of maniacs in creation.
God decided that this surge in sex crazed nutters had to be staunched. By dabbling with the body chemicals and  moving the 'busy' bits from groin to heart by playing disco music he created love ,so that man and woman would fall in love rather than plunge into lust. Marriage and families and all those dubious ofshoots of love came into being....
Love was invented to cut down on unadulterated non stop sexual  practises, sex was tempered by love,  which will come as no great suprise to most husbands
Think of the BEATLES  for instance.....Love is one of the main lynch pins of their out put  they were in the 60's the LOVE GENERATION????....Everything was 'PEACE N' LOVE!"....It could be possibly blamed on the Beatles . 
But even the love peddlers, those great 'cute mop'eads ' from the banks of the Mersey mud , if you look ,possibly unintentionally exposed the drawbacks of love. They sang about all the stereotypical sissy stuff about love and romance ,etc , etc, but if you look chronalogically at their romantic output. By just dipping in here and there we start with 'LOVE ME DO!'....'SHE LOVES YOU!'....'ALL MY LOVING!'.....'A HARD DAYS NIGHT( not too romantic ,is the rot setting in ?)....YESTERDAY!'..(A broken heart!)....HELP!....(Says it all !!) 

True love was when you suddenly went into school one day ....The previous day you hated sissy 'GURLS!'....Then some girl smiles at you and  'BOOM!' You follow her home spending months  making an absolute prick of yourself trying to impress her and get her attention. Later at secondary school ,your first school disco standing around with your mates until the last song of the night ,ussually ,at the time 'JE T'AIME!'....You had three minutes to ask some girl to dance ;Swa some inane smalltalk ,hopefully leading up to a snog and ossibly being allowed to walk her home. If you were successful you were floating above the ground for days until you returned to school and your dreams were dashed as she was totally unmoved by this earth shattering experiance and had virtually ,or wanted to totally forget it and you!

Men who ,originally had problems with the love over sex stuff, whereas woman seemed more comfortable with it....Men will love their lady wife ,forgiving their flaws, failures, etc ,but women are quite happy to point out your failures ,stupidities, ugly points, imperfections, but somehow it seems to work ,generally. Listen to the 60's pop music and soul and Disco of the 70's it 's all explained by THE MONKEE'S and BARRY WHITE!!!

Friday, 10 January 2014


They say that time travel is impossible ,to an extent i suppose it is.....You can't go back to change the past as it has happened and if you could you would fuck up the universe by the cause of TEMPORAL PARADOXES ....Going back and killing your grandad ,so you would never be born ,so you couldnt grow to go back and kill him ,so you would then be born as normal ...Only to grow ....And go through it all again ,he'd die ; You wouldn't be born and on we go, ad infinitum ,so feasibly time would grind to a halt .....Thats according to our famous beloved past bugger-upper ,DOCTOR WHO!....The futures a different kettle of TARDIS grease as we are powering into the future all the time, whereas we can't affect the past ,everything we do affects the future. We travel through the present on our way to the future at the speed of time. The speed of time is relative to a variety of things.

Your mind is like a TARDIS and whereas your surroundings are the room ,office,car your in ,whatever ,your mind is infinite and makes you feel like your travelling through time. When your happy and active time zooms by, holidays flash past for example....When your bored or pissed off ,time drags by . You look foreward to something a long way in the future and suddenly your sitting there and its long passed and happened. 

When you were a kid things like school holidays seemed to last for months , nowadays that same period would be about the same length of time you could hold your breath for! As you get older time does accelerate , like a formula 1 car ,in the distance ,moving slowly over great distances ,in the distance, then, as it comes near it blasts past and dissapears into the distance again like events and years.

Only fairly recently the 'newest' DOCTOR WHO'..MATT SMITH announced his retirement from the role. The excitment built ....Who was the replacement ; The 50th anniversary was to be a DOCTOR WHO orgy of Whovian celebrations ......Suddenly thats history ,already been repeated on television.

Next is CHRISTMAS and forget the Oueens Speech ,etc ,DOCTOR WHO'S regeneration will take place the new boy will be unveiled. The drink, food ,presents ,decorations and most new year resolutions have already been long forgotten, its all over for another year.....We were waiting for the glimpse of the ,it has to be said 'very promising' looking new Doctor ...PETER CAPALDI....An interesting looking character who looks half the age of WILLIAM HARTNELL the first Doctor, even though he's the same age.

It'll be good to have a crazed ,bad tempered old fellah as the Doctor ,rather than the beloved schoolgirl sex symbols of lately, they have to cater for the miserable old farts amongst us!.....Before you know it the year will be drawing to a close ,we'll see the new series and SKY will be showing the repeats five times a day and capaldi will be over before you know it and here we go again, but in the period of time the calendar will be running a lot faster as the DOCTOR WHO'S and JAMES BONDS change seemingly on a weekly basis.
They shouldn't call it old age ....Fast or accelerated age would be more accurate.