FOR YOUR EYES ONLY...TOP SECRET....IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS !

Last year it felt like christmas started about June. This year i feel like it has been quite quiet and we've been spared the x-Mas torture of non stop adverts of people in sweaters and bobble hats going up snowy roads to collect parcels wrapped in bows and wrapping paper on shelves ,i wonder how they know what they're buying as they're already wrapped up to go under the tree by the roaring log fire. At christmas ,everyone has a roaring log fire....The rest of the year they have boring old central heating? Getting the shopping in during our weekly jaunt to Asda i let a loud groan out as that god-awful CLIFF RICHARD  song about "logs on the fire and happy children ,etc ,etc" was played throughout the store i thought, "'ere we go! It's started." But  i thought 3 weeks before the days not too much overkill

There is a reason that i think i may have missed a lot of the build up. My darling daughter is mostly ensconsed in the back room watching NETFLIX, on the computer ,skyping and texting. The Lovely Lynne is working away or home late ,but it means i plough through SKY+ , ON DEMAND and the SKY MOVIES,etc....This means that i manage to almost totally avoid advertisments. These telly channels and services mean you find yourself ploughing through continuous episodes of various series. Recently i'm going through a spy /action phase. I've ploughed through the STRIKE BACK series ,tons of blood and snot; The lovely arse kicking assassin  MAGGIE Q as goverment assassin NIKITA; PERSON OF INTEREST about an ex C.I.A. assassin who's trying to help people. But i got the DVD collection of the classic CALLAN; I waded through the BOND films to brace myself for the long awaited SPECTRE, which i've seen a mere 3 times and i managed to catch THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. which i also enjoyed. So while the rest of the world has been warming in the pre -festive glow i've been living an imaginary life of  extreme violence from mean steely- eyed charming ex-special services spies. Santa  better watch out when i comes a calling as i go to bed with my WALTHER PPK, Bonds weapon or Callans NOGUCHI 38 MAGNUM under my pillow.

M.I.5.M.I.6.C.I.A.K.G.B.S.M.E.R.S.H.S.P.E.C.T.R.E.T.H.R.U.S.H....THE OTHER SIDE..AND THE TAXMAN?..NOT EASY BEING A SPY!

Spies are back ......Not that they ever really went away ,but the new JAMES BONDfilm  'S.P.E.C.T.R.E.' is on it's way in and sadly ,as i've not seen it and wanted to the new 'MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.'film is on it's way out! 

It's been strange as for many years all the film and telly spies have fought 'the other side in a quest for micro films and dots and killing enemy assassins , but spies were taking a back seat in their Austin Martins as the assassin took over the role of screen hero. Nowadays trained kickboxing killers are filling our screens. steely cold hard eyes and gutteral speech patterns are replacing the smooth ,suave ,sexy ,sharp quipping secret agents like Bond and Napoleon Solo.

No idea where the first spy came from. Maybe once upon a long time ago a lincon green clad English lad  by the name of Jameson of the Bond was dressed in animal furs given a horned metal helmet and paddled across the North Sea to infiltrate the Viking hoardes massing to invade our green n' pleasant land. I dont know how our first spy got his 'intel' scrolls back to 'YE OLDE M.I.6. but he didn't do too good as the viking hoardes hoarded over and gave us a good kicking and did stuff to the maidens fair ,of the day ,thats how some of us have viking blood coursing through us!

Through the years the spy has evolved from the sneaky slimey untrustworthy worm of the middle ages as seen in Robin Hood films and stuff like that as spies were always spying on the 'good guys' for the nasty king ,etc. As the centuries clicked by and the world became a bigger place and we discovered lots of new exciting enemies like the French and the Spanish spying became a lot more complicated and for the greater good of the country as the French and the Spanish as we all know can't be trusted and don't like the British 'cos we're much better than they are. So they decided to  rule all of Europe then invade us . I'm sure a spy discovered the plans for the SPANISH ARMADA and reported home .Things were a lot slower in them days so our spy got the Armada 'intel' back home to ye olde MI6 in a mere 6 months which was fine as the Armada probably took about 5 years to get prepared then 6 months to sail, so we just about managed to negate their head start and met them about half a mile out to sea and gave them a good kicking.

Spies came into their own and job centres all over 17 n' 18th century Britain were dragging people off their ye olde job seekers allowance to spy on the French and Spanish when a certain French dwarf decided to rule the world. Napoleon ,apparently he was fond of spies and lots of them galloped around Portugal ,etc gathering 'intel' for 'Boney!'. Watch any episode of Sharpe and you'll see what i mean.

Spies come in all shapes and sizes as we all know real spies are fit and incredibly handsome and irresistable to women . They travel the world on incredible expense accounts ,gambling ,eating and drinking the finest cuisine at the finest restaurants, hotels and casino's and oddly enough for SECRET AGENTS are known and recognised throughout the world?

It has been said that spies are trained to blend in and look normal and  not attract attention, be grey and go about their devious doings unoticed, but that wouldn't be much good for a film or telly series.

As we all know the enemy have what we call 'SLEEPERS' and what they do is settle down make a good old boring domestic life ,get a job ,maybe even raise a family waiting for a call from the 'motherland' through their 'Handler' who may drop them a coded letter or a phrase , a trigger for them to do what they were trained to do before they became domesticated ol farts like the rest of us. They may work in an office or the local chippy, but they have to inflict damage or kidnap ,or steal important documentation (maybe the new menu in the chippy!) for their masters in the Kremlin ,or wherever!

Through the years theres been lots of enemies. Traditionally , there was the Nazis' then the Russians and everybody in behind the IRON CURTAIN this was spying's glory years...Tons of countries whose names finished with SLAVIA, SLAV, BOSTOFF, etc ,etcOFF i honestly dont know which were real and which were made up, but every 'MAN FRO UNCLE and most tell y spies where in these places fighting the K.G.B. or  S.M.E.R.S.H. And there was East and West Berlin and the 'WALL'...That was a spies dream. But the spies who dealt with the wall were the more gritty ones HARRY PALMER and my favourite CALLAN. The film 'THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD'  with Richard Burton as an agent drinking himself senseless as he pretended to be braking down and pretending to defect....I could do that ,i think i've been doing it for years, qualified to be a spy ,thats me ,i reckon!

There was also the CHINESE and Asian ,all points East baddies. The spies didn't actually go there according to fiction ,but the Chinese were everywhere plotting to destroy the western devils with nuclear missiles in secret bases and nerve gasses ,whereas we Brits wouldn't do that sort of thing we just discovered their devious plans for world domination and stole the micro films. Fictional baddies were like Bond vs S.P.E.C.T.R.E. or U.N.C.L.E. vs T.H.R.U.S.H. ; Then many of the enemy agents were just 'THE OTHER SIDE!' Now we've dealt with all other points east ,it's the middle east popping up on the BADDIE NETWORK!

Our heroes would in the early days doff a mackintosh over coat ,hat and glasses and infiltrate 'The other side' for secret documents, then codes and their cyphers ; Then micro film came in with those clicky little cameras every spy had; Micro dots, i never quite figured out how you discovered which full stop in 'war and piece 'held the details of the Russian missile system. Now we've computer hard drives and those computer 'dongle' thingee's that drain all the info from computer hard drives. 

In old films and books the info was simple , but important, so the micro film was important for the freedom and safety of the west. Now they explain the wheeling and double dealings that take place with the politics and spy networks, just watch the average episode of 'SPOOKS' ...I love it....Can't understand it ,but still love it!

Nowadays spying looks decidedly nasty and dangerous ,as a kid i'd watch and dream of being a spy. In them days when they were captured ,which was every week , they were interrogated, not tortured ,interrogated. Our hero may get a blooded lip ,work up a sweat and you knew it was tough, esspecially when his tie was loosened and top button was undone. Now it's a good beating in the cellars of 'The other side ' Water boarding ,electric shocks, etc .....As we all know know our greatest enemy is our biggest ally!....The good ol' U.S.of A....The C.I.A. who seem to have their sticky fingers into everyones business and seem utterly ruthless.....The CIA make the soviets look like sweethearts. Assassinations ,drug running ,arms dealing with ...everybody on all sides...According to whatever you watch or read ,everybody is after their own agenda ,did they kill JFK?....Etc ,etc!  Do spies get the chance to retire or do they get 'removed', permanently?

One thing i never understood is how much and how does a spy get paid?....If an agent is undercover ,say in Russia , why don't the Russians just check his bank details.....£20,000/month from the Ministry of Defence....Bang!...Your dead, Tovarich!

The reason i wanted to be a spy was so i could wear a shoulder holster....Nowadays its not as cool as the automatic pistol is shoved down the back of the agents trousers, not half as good as the ol' shoulder holster.....At one point...Ok , i still do , i fancied adapting the shoulder holster for holding pens at a caricature gig!

I said before real spies come in all shapes and sizes ,but it's not just that ,you don't even have to be alive, possibly the best ,most successful agent was a dead body. An agent doesn't just steal 'intel' ,but can feed false 'intel' to the 'other side'! In 'OPERATION MINCEMEAT'...A body was washed up on the Spanish coast durring WW11 around 1942

with notes detailing the British intention to invade Greece and Sardinia which the Germans swallowed 'hook, line and sinker' ,whereas us crafty Brits were going to invade Scicily instead and up through Italy!....And a certain Mr IAN FLEMING was involved with that scheme!....Wonder what happened to him?

MUSIC ,LOUD N' TWANGY !....WITH DISTORTION ,FEEDBACK AND JUMPING AROUND!!!!!

When i were 'nobbut a lad' in the 'swinging 60's'( much as it pains me to admit it!)....Music to me was the theme tunes to classics on the telly like; 'SUPERCAR', FIREBALL XL5, STINGRAY and later 'THUNDERBIRDS. And lest we forget DOCTOR WHO and another personal favourite of mine was 'GARRISONS GORILLA'S! The joys of MERSEYBEAT were lost to me ,except for the CILLA BLACK show and for some very strange unexplainable reason i fancied the pre nose job Cilla something rotten . Even more inexplicably i enjoyed and still do enjoy some of her major hits. The other one i liked was PETULA CLARKE....She had the voice of an angel and when i heard 'DOWNTOWN' i loved it and couldn't stop whistling it. Even today ,even typing about it ,i'm whistling the damn tune. We went to see her last year in Manchester and she was still good and i was whistling that damn tune for weeks. The funny thing was when i mentioned it to anyone a few minutes later they'd be humming or singing it. Without doubt it is the most infectious pop song ever!....Don't listen to it without ear muffs and a bio defence suit on!

Years later i'd watch bands in pubs ,even old cellars in dingy back streets in the fair city of Liverpool which gave me an idea of how it was in a variety of pubs ,clubs and dingy cellars in those days where in that fine city the biggest music explosion took place and the world is still shaking now! A whole heap of our own local lads inspired by BILL HALEY, ELVIS and LONNIE DONEGHAN and his home made 'SKIFFLE' band made their own bands and started playing something called 'ROCK N' ROLL' clad in leather and brycreem'ed hair they played bloody awful stuff wherever they could. A similar sister port to LIVERPOOL was the naughty red lights of HAMBURG where a lot of the bands served an apprenticeship playing all day and night in various strip joints. One group of four greasy leather clad rockers who hit Hamburg and came home to tell the tale and got quite a following in their home town was 'THE SILVER BEATLES', soon shortened to 'THE BEATLES.'....They started playing in a dingy cellar called the 'CAVERN' in a dingy back street that now inspires billions of tourists to visit called 'MATTHEW STREET!' The walls would drip with sweat and the toilets would overflow and it was an absolute shit'ole that people would queue for hours to get into and scream their lungs out worshipping these heroes. Bands from all over played at the Cavern ; THE ROLLING STONES; THE WHO and anyone you want to mention. Directly opposite the Cavern is an old Liverpool pub called 'THE GRAPES'...Most of the famous rock stars from then and now drank in there , LENNON n' McCARTNEY wrote in there, but if you go in that musical holy of holies now ....It's a bloody KARIOKE BAR!

For some reason my first record was 'MORNING HAS BROKEN' by CAT STEVENS...Which i swopped for ALICE COOPER'S 'SCHOOLS OUT!' I had never bought an LP, as they were in those black n' white ,far flung vinyl days, so i'd never listened to the 'FAB FOUR' unless they were on the telly. But one day my dad came home with an 8-Track player bought from the biggest 'knocking shop' in the world FORDS, HALEWOOD! He had two 8-Track discs ,i can't remember one ,but the other had a great picture of an exploding pinball machine and it was by a band called 'THE WHO'!

That was me hooked....I played it to death and even bought 'THE BEATLES' and was pleasantly suprised. I didn't buy a lot of records ,etc ,but TOP OF THE POPS' Was onthe telly with 'THE OLD GREY WHISTLE TEST' with 'WHISPERING BOB HARRIS' for the serious rock music follower ,as opposed to the pain in the arse RADIO 1 D.J.s for pop fans, or 'pop-pickers!' all blathering like ,well caricature pop D.J.s that HARRY ENFIELD and PAUL WHITEHOUSE would take the piss out of. 

One thing worse than the D.J.s was the bands in the 70's n' 80's, when'GLAM ROCK!'kicked in, glitz n' glamour was the main thing, make up ,platform shoes ,remember 'THE SWEET'; SLADE; The tartan of 'THE BAY CITY ROLLERS'....(oh god!) . The good thing about them days was that the 'GIGS' were played in theatres like the EMPIRE in Liverpool, old victorian theatres, great for watching a band....I'd've loved to have seen THE WHO with KEITH MOON when they were at their peak in the Empire. Now they play in ARENAS ,massive places requiring the aid of huge videos to see the bands. You often have to stand at ground level ,even though ,nowadays its all seated ,some pains decide they have to stand so everybody has to stand. I remember seeing PAUL McCARTNEY at the KINGS DOCK in Liverpool and getting stuck behind some stupid bastard with his girlfriend waving her arms sitting on his shoulder. Whenever i see some silly cow sitting on her fellahs shoulder i imagine the 50 yards of people behind who want to rrip her head off ,because i've been there. There was a phase were people lit matches and held them up during the show. Then small cameras ,now telephones and now I-pads held aloft to block the sight of shortarses like myself!

Music is a matter of personal taste and its a case of whatever floats your boat!....I love guitar rock and my hero is PETE TOWNSHEND i can't take my eyes off him when he lets rip. JEFF BECK, DAVE GILMOUR, etc ,etc i've seen them ,all brilliant. The other day we were out having a drink and in THE CAVERN watched a local band and the lead singer was an absolutly blistering guitarist, brilliant! My missus ,the LOVELY LYNNE, plays trombone in a SKA BAND and they're great to watch and through Lynne who started in Brass bands and Swing orchestras ,etc has got me into that stuff and even a smattering of classical music.....Not too much tho'!....She's played on the stage of THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL, and fallen off!.....As did PETE TOWNSHEND...Well ,it impressed me! Recently i've been playing a lot of THE BLUES....Which it must be said Lynne hates.

Music can help your moods .....If THE WHO'S 'LIVE AT LEEDS' doesn't charge your energy levels ,nothing will....If i was feeling pissed off i'd always play 'QUADROPHENIA' that got me buzzing. There are tons of sounds that have an effect.I like prog rock ,saw PETER GABRIEL ,recently ,listening to the old GENESIS stuff. Watched YES recently, then played THE SEX PISTOLS the following day, not progressive, but good! I was playing the soundtrack of some of the JOHN BARRY early JAMES BOND films ,helps me feel like 007 when i'm walking the dog, lean ,mean and licensed to thrill

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

IF RAMBO WOULD HAVE HAD A JOHNNY SEVEN NOBODY WOULD EVER HAVE BEATEN HIM!

When i were 'nobbut a lad!' we had what were known as toys!.....Cars ,Guns ,Bown' arrows ,Action men and stuff that have my nostalgia juices running , now i'm at the age where my nostalgia is only matched by my angina!

Remember my JAMES BOND ,ASTON MARTIN DB5....Collectors will tell you if the toy is still in its box its valuable....Any kid will tell you any toy in its box has no value . The value was in the little buttons around the base of the metal ,not plastic,metal body. These buttons fired missiles; put up the rear bullet sheild; and of course ,how could we forget.....THE EJECTOR SEAT! 'THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.' also had their car with a big discreet U.N.C.L.E. logo plastered across the bonnet. When you pressed a button NAPOLEON SOLO and ILYA KURYACKEN popped out of the window armed with a pistol. There was the 'CAPTAIN SCARLET' S.P.V.(Spectrum Persuit Vehicle) Complete with rocket launcher and a side opening door with captain Blue or Captain Scarlet sitting back to front as they drove backwards viewing through an internal screen. 

In addition to cars of which i had a massive collection i moved onto rockets and had all the 'THUNDERBIRDS' when you rolled them on their wheels sparks inside red plastic cover over the back made it look like booster rockets. I even had a plastic 'STINGRAY' for playing with in the bath....You need something to play with in the bath!!!..?

Then, of course as all snotty little kids, i loved war and weapons .....I remember hitting my dad with a sucker tipped arrow on the side of his head causing him to pour the mug of tea he was carrying over himself....Oh how he laughed!

He didn't know how well off he was until they bought me the amazing JOHNNY SEVEN !!......It ws so heavily armed you could invade a foreign country with a one without leaving the living room or hall. They had everything....Missiles, rockets, bullets, grenades and a detachable pistol that fired caps loud bangs and the smell of spent matches fill my mind as i type this. There was various sized rockets ,all of which firesd with, it has to be said a fair velocity and hit with a good belt ,as my late dad could've vouched. There was a grenade launcher and a plastic bullet firing gun. If 'RAMBO' had had one JOHNNY SEVEN he'd have won a lot more wars!

Then we had ACTION MAN!!!!....Everybody goes on about real hair ,swivel eyes worked from a knob on the back of his head....No knobhead jokes ,notice ,i must be maturing, now i'm 54. And pull the string and he says all Action man manly military stuff, but this was the later model and was crap! It had hinged joints ,whereas the older model didn't have these added extras ,with painted black hair, but what it did have was elasticated ball and socket joints so you could literally position the figure in absolutly any position your warped young mind could envision.....In fact we had a ball in shops twisting Action Men into disgusting sexual positions as those nasty little puberty  teenage hormones started 'kicking in!'....But he had all uniforms and guns and even had a Mercury style space capsule....We explored the universe and fought wars without leaving the living room or the staircase .

Later moved onto the beloved AIRFIX models and the ceiling was covered with various aircraft having the biggest dogfight in Aerial military history ...Spitfires shooting down Phantom fighters; Lancaster bombers attacking Hawker Harriers,etc, etc....

Lest we forget in those days we used to interact with other kids of our age and the family ,we got our racing bikes ,i never got a 'Chopper' ,in fact nobody i knew had one ,there was a few 'moonhoppers 'bouncing around the street and a few resultant cracked skulls....We had a few leather caseballs and played a lot of footy on the park as well as some violence orientated games involving getting chased then getting the 'living shite kicked 'outta ya!'....

The next game we discovered wasn't very succesful...GURLS(hem ,hem)....The occassional snog at the youth club disco!!!!.....So we moved on....Discovered DRINKING!...And games and playing was replaced by 'PLAYING AROUND!'..Which i still dabble a little with even now.

I see kids and i never see toys ,as such as we all know all the want is an i-pad ,telephone ,texty, bleepy thing ,or whatever the hell is 'it' at the moment. I spoke to my family when i had my toys ,i spent a lot of time alone with the greatest toy of all my imagination !....The horrors are enschonsed in their bedroom for months on end and don't speak on the occassions you pass on the landing or in the kitchen, possibly a grunt ,if your lucky(?)...Never mind contact , most parents have forgotten what they're sweet little angel even looks like!

Funnily enough ,maybe its my memory playing tricks ,but it seems boys had the fun on the toy front. Girls had yukky girlie things like dolls .....Action man was not a doll !!!!!...But they make up for it in their later more informative ,intereting years and here we fall into the realm of the sex toys...The various chains that specialise have achieved a respectability ,having shops in your average shoping mall / centre...Or women getting the drink in and having house sales evening for the 'demonstration' of a variety of oddly shaped ,knobbly ,sometimes electrical vibrating 'thingies' some of which require the various scented lubricants also supplied .You also get uniforms to dress up and handcuffs ,so you can play cops n' robbers.......They must have a lot of fun these ladies....Your never too old to play with toys! 

PETER CAPALDI....DOCTOR WHO , No 12.....HE'S BEEN GONE AND IS ALMOST HERE !

They say that time travel is impossible ,to an extent i suppose it is.....You can't go back to change the past as it has happened and if you could you would fuck up the universe by the cause of TEMPORAL PARADOXES ....Going back and killing your grandad ,so you would never be born ,so you couldnt grow to go back and kill him ,so you would then be born as normal ...Only to grow ....And go through it all again ,he'd die ; You wouldn't be born and on we go, ad infinitum ,so feasibly time would grind to a halt .....Thats according to our famous beloved past bugger-upper ,DOCTOR WHO!....The futures a different kettle of TARDIS grease as we are powering into the future all the time, whereas we can't affect the past ,everything we do affects the future. We travel through the present on our way to the future at the speed of time. The speed of time is relative to a variety of things.

Your mind is like a TARDIS and whereas your surroundings are the room ,office,car your in ,whatever ,your mind is infinite and makes you feel like your travelling through time. When your happy and active time zooms by, holidays flash past for example....When your bored or pissed off ,time drags by . You look foreward to something a long way in the future and suddenly your sitting there and its long passed and happened. 

When you were a kid things like school holidays seemed to last for months , nowadays that same period would be about the same length of time you could hold your breath for! As you get older time does accelerate , like a formula 1 car ,in the distance ,moving slowly over great distances ,in the distance, then, as it comes near it blasts past and dissapears into the distance again like events and years.

Only fairly recently the 'newest' DOCTOR WHO'..MATT SMITH announced his retirement from the role. The excitment built ....Who was the replacement ; The 50th anniversary was to be a DOCTOR WHO orgy of Whovian celebrations ......Suddenly thats history ,already been repeated on television.

Next is CHRISTMAS and forget the Oueens Speech ,etc ,DOCTOR WHO'S regeneration will take place the new boy will be unveiled. The drink, food ,presents ,decorations and most new year resolutions have already been long forgotten, its all over for another year.....We were waiting for the glimpse of the ,it has to be said 'very promising' looking new Doctor ...PETER CAPALDI....An interesting looking character who looks half the age of WILLIAM HARTNELL the first Doctor, even though he's the same age.

It'll be good to have a crazed ,bad tempered old fellah as the Doctor ,rather than the beloved schoolgirl sex symbols of lately, they have to cater for the miserable old farts amongst us!.....Before you know it the year will be drawing to a close ,we'll see the new series and SKY will be showing the repeats five times a day and capaldi will be over before you know it and here we go again, but in the period of time the calendar will be running a lot faster as the DOCTOR WHO'S and JAMES BONDS change seemingly on a weekly basis.

They shouldn't call it old age ....Fast or accelerated age would be more accurate.

BRITISH WILDLIFE AND ODDIE ,BILL ODDIE LICENSED TO KILL AND TWITCH !!!!!!

Always being a lover of spy films ,books and telly series there are certain requirments of a top class agent, first off ,a good spy'ey name ;NAPOLEON SOLO; ILYA KURYAKEN; CALLAN; HARRY PALMER; MAXWELL SMART; MATT HELM.....ANTHONY BLUNT(" The names Blunt , Anthony Blunt ,dear boy hmmmmm!)?????....And , of course the new kid on the block: JASON BOURNE!

Without doubt though, the greatest ,smoothest ,coolest ,smartest ,suavist ,sexiest ,most ruthless, most dangerous  killing machine and trained assassin ,licensed by her Majesty's goverment 'to kill' ,is ,of course JAMES BOND!

When IAN FLEMING decided to create the most famous secret agent (known all round the world?)....He speciffically broke the cardinal rule about spies having great names and gave the most famous glamourous agent ever the most boring hum drum name he could find. Ian Fleming gave his creation the name of an ORNITHOLOGIST!...A BIRDWATCHER!! ...A TWITCHER!!....We must be thankful as JAMES BOND  could've been the smoothest ,coolest ,most deadly, trained killing machine .....ODDIE ,BILL ODDIE, Licensed to kill !!!!!!

Although Bill Oddie isn't travelling the planet fighting SMERSH or SPECTRE and all those other nasty evil sorts( I'll gloss over 'the women!).....He wanders through the violence and unrestrained danger of the BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE as part of those SPRING/SUMMER/AUTUMN/WINTER WATCH programmes which fill our telly screens for much of the year with MICHEALE STRACHEN looking windswept and ,er ,interesting! surrounded by equally enthusiastic pain in the arse presenters in knitted hats and sweaters ,kagools and those sleeveless khaki jackets full of pockets always bulging ,but nothing ever gets taken out. 

They film birds and hairy things that live in holes and swim in streams and eat each other . Its always nice to see some rare THROSTLE THROATED BLUE TIT WARBLER laying its eggs ,sitting on them being filmed for weeks and the same camera filming the otter thats snuck into the nest to savage the freshly hatched chicks the presenters have been "Ooohhing n' Aaahhing !"over for bloody weeks as they watch them hatch and ,beaks open wide feed from their mam n' dad, then "Aaahh!" again as the mam n' dad come back wondering where their 8 or was it 9 'effin' kids 've buggered off to. Wherever they go the countryside is bursting with all kinds of weird n' wonderful and plain nasty forms of furry ,scaley and feathered breeds of wildlife . The endless quest for survival is basically what every creature is working 24/7 to achieve, building nests and warrens ,holes and tunnels and even damming streams ,either for water or they've cracked hydro -electric power.

I walk through local woods and hardly ever see a damn thing. Having said that the place is crawling with squirrels .These are American grey squirrels as they've got rid of the British brown squirrel ,probably enticed away by offers of free silk stockings ,cigarettes and candy bars , see, things never change not even in the natural world. 

I did have the shit scared out of me a few months ago ,there was a hugh rustling in some bushes and a fluttering of bloody hugh wings as this massive bird took off ,apparently it was a Heron. With its long neck and long drooping wings i thought it looked like one of those old KLINGON BATTLE CRUISERS from the original STAR TREK, they used to be able to go invisible and drive CAPTAIN KIRK to "Fire Photon Torpedoes ...Maximum spread!"

I did stumble across some wild life ,impressing the females ,with loud swearing ,tatooes and gaily patterned and coloured track suits as they smoked ciggies to impress the others in the herd.  There was also some youngsters in a bit of a frenzy as one had climbed a tree and couldn't get down. "Hey ,Mister can you get me mate down ,pleez?".....So being the upright ,friend to all ,responsibility my middle name ,etc ,i started to climb the tree murmering words of encouragment to the little lad up the tree. The little bastard started screaming and shouting to ,"KEEP THE OLD MAN(?) AWAY FROM ME!".....The little get ,moved up the tree ,so i grabbed him and carried him ,screaming and shouting down to the ground, resisting the urge to kick his scabby arse back up there again ,i turned and with utmost dignity i could muster left the wild untamed woods and the venom of mother nature and  thought i'd watch wildlife on the telly.

OF COURSE BOND IS BACK !...HIS HOBBY IS REINCARNATION, MAYBE HE COULD TEACH 'M' A FEW TRICKS!

During my blog layoff ,unable to put images on the computer i attempted a couple of purely painted images ,no pre sketches or computer imaging just some very battered paint brush, long past their chuck in the bin by-date and slapped on the acrylic paint to attempt yet another DANIEL CRAIG as we'd been   to see the latest ,much anticipated JAMES BOND  film, SKYFALL ,a few days before.

Yes i know its not like the old SEAN CONNERY style ,etc,etc, but the changes have to be made and let it evolve and i could see our mean rough tough DANNY BOY turning into an early wry smoothie OO agent, as it becomes clear the character and stories ,although they are set in the modern day are from the beginning of JAMES BOND and how he became what he did. Whether we'll have SPECTRE,SMERSH,BLOFELDT, the white pussy cat and shark tanks,etc, who knows, but i enjoyed SKYFALL and love DANIEL CRAIG ,in a manly butch way ,of course .....He's a hard bastard! But the film was interesting with plenty of twists and turns . People complained about being set in London and Scotland, but i enjoyed that, it made a refreshing change from exotic beaches, etc, apparently it was mainly financial reasons rather than artistic reasons, but it worked for me and, quite frankly thats all i'm worried about. 

The other main relief was the action scenes ,they werent the mad frenetic ,badly edited way ,as in QUANTUM OF SOLACE,esspecially. In fact they were quite good and able to be followed by us conneisseurs of extreme violence. The LOVELY LYNNE drooled over MR CRAIG for totally different reasons and even said she'd like to go back and see it again.....Praise indeed!

A few days ago i got dragged all the way to SKEGNESS as THE LOVELY LYNNE  and her band THE MANCHESTER SKA FOUNDATION were playing a 'gig' at a scooter rally. I had two C.D.'s of BOND soundtracks ,,One was GOLDFINGER and t'other was THUNDERBALL. when i used to drive around our green n' pleasant land i used to play them loud , it was great flying along the highways and byways overtaking everybody while the BOND theme boomed in you ears , i have to admit to the odd wry smile and cocked eyebrow, it was even better when i was going to a job and i was in a dinner suit....I was LEATHERBARROW!....TIM LEATHERBARROW!  So i gave THE LOVELY LYNNE  the best of JOHN BARRY,admittedly it wasn't what she'd've chosen if asked,but i didn't, so on went the Bonds! But when she heard all the Brass ,esspecially the TROMBONES she was happy. Whether the modern BONDS will ever match the old ones musically is ,sadly doubtful, but you never know...

It just ,so happened the following day Lynne had a 'gig' in Manchester ,so i stayed home and watched THUNDERBALL following the music as i still had the soundtrack in my head,  it was great, i've always lked THUNDERBALL,in fact i think its the first Bond i remember seeing on the pictures. I always remembered THE VULCAN BOMBER under the sea , a beautiful craft .Then a few weeks later bursting with excitment on seeing "the bond plane!" and excitedly informing my dad at Speke airshow as a kid as this gorgeous Delta-Winged vision roared over our heads, absolutly wonderful, its still the JAMES BOND PLANE!

JAMES BOND WILL BE BACK

(I do hope so!) 

LOTS OF NAUGHTY LADIES READING '50 SHADES OF GREY' EXCEPT FOR ONE NOTABLE EXCEPTION!. AND ONE SHADE OF SUNBURN RED!..

 

 

 

A few weeks ago we were over in ITALY by a lovely lake surrounded by impressive mountains. The lake was where the the opening JAMES BOND car chase in 'QUANTUM OF SOLACE' took place. Apparently the lake and the surrounding villages are connected by tunnels built by that beloved of Italian facist dictators MUSSOLLINI. He decided that the villages had to be connected by these network of tunnels. The tunnels are all named after his ex-girlfriends, well they would be Ex's ,as they're probably all dead a long time, who knows our favourite facist met up with them in whatever afterlife his sort go to. The longer tunnels are named after his favourites, the shorter ....Not so fondly remembered!....Still, not bad, having a tunnel through a mountain named after you and your tunnel used in a Bond film and these pretty (once) Italian Dictator bits of stuff would one day have DANIEL CRAIG powering through you, so to speak!...Mind you i wouldn't like to be 'MUSSO' explaining why certain girls became the shorter of tunnels.

 

 

The week or so was very nice ,but "God it was f**kin' boiling hot!!!".....The sun beat down and the only thing we could do was crawl to the bar .....Often!....I sat and read reams of electronic pages on my new KINDLE . I was surrounded by sweating drooling women . I automatically assumed this was due to the unbearable heat and gallons of drink that everybody guzzled down. I came to the conclusion that the women ,who were all reading that naughty book...'50 SHADES OF GREY.'...I also decided that all these sexually aroused women were drooling over me as i ambled Bond-Like cool and catlike to the bar.Did they wonder if thee was another Bond film being filmed. I mentioned this observation to the LOVELY LYNNE....Funnily enough she thought it was very amusing. As every women was reading and being aroused by the '50 SHADES OF GREY'!...Except for one notable exception....THE LOVELY LYNNE, my missus! She was reading 'HITCHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY' which  is very clever and amusing ,but the late wonderful DOUGLAS ADAMS didn't manage to inject much rudeness and horniness into the story so THE LOVELY LYNNE wasn't turned on, drooling and lusting after me ,anyhow at the end of the day it was my own fault as she was reading this sci-fi classic on my reccomendation. I should learn to keep me big mouth shut. Mind you i think i might've got a few funny looks from my beloved if i'd reccommended '50 SHADES OF GREY' to her. 

PETE TOWNSHEND THE FEEDBACK KING AND JAMES BOND AND DANIEL CRAIG ARE GOING TO MAKE MY YEAR.

                                                                                  I may be a miserable middle aged ol' fart, but i'm still just a big kid at heart. I read comics ;watch action films and i'm even starting to read the old pulp fiction paperback novels i read as a schoolboy. I tried reading educational non-fiction, but i got really pissed off watching the daughter and the missus,The Lovely Lynne race through a 2ooo page book in an hour and a half. Lynne said to try just reading some stories and stop the futile attempt to educate myself. So i started reading paperbacks again. I remember my dad used to read war and westerns and always had a 3 foot mound of paperbacks by his chair. A few of you will remember the old SVEN HASSELL war books about the german penal battallion with PORTIA,TINY ,THE OLD MAN, THE LEGIONNAIRE ,HIEDI..As their adventures through Europe and the Russian front unfolded in a series of gory war  stories. There was a series of books called the DESTROYER,a bout a trained assasin called REMO WILLIAMS and his aged korean trainer in the killing arts CHIUN. There were hundreds of them .Also the EXECUTIONER, A guy namedMACK BOLAN waging war against the MAFIA,who not very nicely murdered his family, there are thousands of them.There were lots of characters with names like THE PENETRATER,or THE DESTRUCTOR,THE PUNISHER,etc.... There was also a cowboy series about a half indian very mean guy named EDGE, which satiated any blood thirsty schoolkid... O.K. not great literature, but i'm enjoying myself. THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. films were shown on TCM lately ,so that spurred me on to trashy telly ,VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA;THE INVADERS; GARRISONS GORILLAS ;KUNG FU. And some home grown talent;SUPERCAR;FIREBALL XL5; U.F.O.; CALLAN....And JAMES BOND.

                                                                                   Pathetic as it may seem i'm quite excited at the fact that the new BOND film, SKYFALL will be out in a few months. I just hope they cut out that hi-speed frenetic action ,or just plain bad editing that marred the last two films .They were filmed so you just couldnt figure out ,just what in god's name was going on,no matter how many times you wound foreward and back. I still, to this day cannot work out what is going on in the car chase that QUANTUM OF SOLACE opens with. But heres hoping they go back to the more traditional way of filming...Action and violence is like a fine painting and has to be done right so it looks right and can be displayed and enjoyed forever like most of the scenes in all the other BONDS through the years.

And if the worlds favourite secret agents return in SKYFALL isn't enough the worlds greatest musician, guitarist ,songwriter and character  PETE TOWNSHEND is releasing his autobiography after years of trying and failing to get his life down on paper, and dropping himself in deep troubles along the way.... . So with two of my own personal heroes making a showing around October ,i think i'm going to be a happy man thats my birthday present ,(or some) solved. And if THE WHO announce a tour to help promote the book , i'll be a happy middle aged grumpy old schoolboy.