Friday, 8 August 2014


When i were 'nobbut a lad!' we had what were known as toys!.....Cars ,Guns ,Bown' arrows ,Action men and stuff that have my nostalgia juices running , now i'm at the age where my nostalgia is only matched by my angina!

Remember my JAMES BOND ,ASTON MARTIN DB5....Collectors will tell you if the toy is still in its box its valuable....Any kid will tell you any toy in its box has no value . The value was in the little buttons around the base of the metal ,not plastic,metal body. These buttons fired missiles; put up the rear bullet sheild; and of course ,how could we forget.....THE EJECTOR SEAT! 'THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.' also had their car with a big discreet U.N.C.L.E. logo plastered across the bonnet. When you pressed a button NAPOLEON SOLO and ILYA KURYACKEN popped out of the window armed with a pistol. There was the 'CAPTAIN SCARLET' S.P.V.(Spectrum Persuit Vehicle) Complete with rocket launcher and a side opening door with captain Blue or Captain Scarlet sitting back to front as they drove backwards viewing through an internal screen. 

In addition to cars of which i had a massive collection i moved onto rockets and had all the 'THUNDERBIRDS' when you rolled them on their wheels sparks inside red plastic cover over the back made it look like booster rockets. I even had a plastic 'STINGRAY' for playing with in the bath....You need something to play with in the bath!!!..?

Then, of course as all snotty little kids, i loved war and weapons .....I remember hitting my dad with a sucker tipped arrow on the side of his head causing him to pour the mug of tea he was carrying over himself....Oh how he laughed!

He didn't know how well off he was until they bought me the amazing JOHNNY SEVEN !!......It ws so heavily armed you could invade a foreign country with a one without leaving the living room or hall. They had everything....Missiles, rockets, bullets, grenades and a detachable pistol that fired caps loud bangs and the smell of spent matches fill my mind as i type this. There was various sized rockets ,all of which firesd with, it has to be said a fair velocity and hit with a good belt ,as my late dad could've vouched. There was a grenade launcher and a plastic bullet firing gun. If 'RAMBO' had had one JOHNNY SEVEN he'd have won a lot more wars!

Then we had ACTION MAN!!!!....Everybody goes on about real hair ,swivel eyes worked from a knob on the back of his head....No knobhead jokes ,notice ,i must be maturing, now i'm 54. And pull the string and he says all Action man manly military stuff, but this was the later model and was crap! It had hinged joints ,whereas the older model didn't have these added extras ,with painted black hair, but what it did have was elasticated ball and socket joints so you could literally position the figure in absolutly any position your warped young mind could envision.....In fact we had a ball in shops twisting Action Men into disgusting sexual positions as those nasty little puberty  teenage hormones started 'kicking in!'....But he had all uniforms and guns and even had a Mercury style space capsule....We explored the universe and fought wars without leaving the living room or the staircase .

Later moved onto the beloved AIRFIX models and the ceiling was covered with various aircraft having the biggest dogfight in Aerial military history ...Spitfires shooting down Phantom fighters; Lancaster bombers attacking Hawker Harriers,etc, etc....

Lest we forget in those days we used to interact with other kids of our age and the family ,we got our racing bikes ,i never got a 'Chopper' ,in fact nobody i knew had one ,there was a few 'moonhoppers 'bouncing around the street and a few resultant cracked skulls....We had a few leather caseballs and played a lot of footy on the park as well as some violence orientated games involving getting chased then getting the 'living shite kicked 'outta ya!'....

The next game we discovered wasn't very succesful...GURLS(hem ,hem)....The occassional snog at the youth club disco!!!!.....So we moved on....Discovered DRINKING!...And games and playing was replaced by 'PLAYING AROUND!'..Which i still dabble a little with even now.

I see kids and i never see toys ,as such as we all know all the want is an i-pad ,telephone ,texty, bleepy thing ,or whatever the hell is 'it' at the moment. I spoke to my family when i had my toys ,i spent a lot of time alone with the greatest toy of all my imagination !....The horrors are enschonsed in their bedroom for months on end and don't speak on the occassions you pass on the landing or in the kitchen, possibly a grunt ,if your lucky(?)...Never mind contact , most parents have forgotten what they're sweet little angel even looks like!

Funnily enough ,maybe its my memory playing tricks ,but it seems boys had the fun on the toy front. Girls had yukky girlie things like dolls .....Action man was not a doll !!!!!...But they make up for it in their later more informative ,intereting years and here we fall into the realm of the sex toys...The various chains that specialise have achieved a respectability ,having shops in your average shoping mall / centre...Or women getting the drink in and having house sales evening for the 'demonstration' of a variety of oddly shaped ,knobbly ,sometimes electrical vibrating 'thingies' some of which require the various scented lubricants also supplied .You also get uniforms to dress up and handcuffs ,so you can play cops n' robbers.......They must have a lot of fun these ladies....Your never too old to play with toys! 

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