Wednesday, 31 October 2007

A liver tough as a karate masters knuckle

No drink or bacon butties, this healthy living'll be the death of me.

Oh ,god!,here we go again. This time last year i think red meat and red wine (in moderation) was good for you . Now red meat, drink,etc,etc, gives you cancer .So, stop it. And stuff your face with 5.5cwt of fresh fruit n' veg /day,and you'll live forever. As an out n' out carnivore. As well as having been known to guzzle the odd tipple. I know this to be a load of usual goverment 'soundbite' Bxxxxxxks! On the few occassions i've been forced to eat a veggie diet, I and those around me have had to suffer the effects of healthy living on a system brought up on Guiness ,bacon butties and various forms of grease gristle n' fat. This healthy stuff manifests itself, in my case. With the most horrendous attacks of wind n' various forms of flatulance (un)imaginable. If thats what health does for you ,i'd better stay away from naked flames ,oh and please refrain from using mobile phones around me.

There's also the Height/Weight ratio 'stuff'. I ,being what can in some cases be described as a 'shortarse'(i'll leave out ,'little get',which often completes the description.)....Well, i always get told on weight machines i weigh too much for my height. Everybody knows that muscle is heavier than fat. I'm being punished for being a'shortarsed,little powerhouse'. Every ,short'house gets told they need to loose weight, even if they're olympic athletes. But do the tall lanky streaks of 'pee' get told to loose a few lbs's, i think not.

But if your worried, which ,I doubt most of you are ,you can make sure. There's two types of people. The 'UNWORRIED ILL.' Which ,is probably most of us. And then theres, the 'WORRIED WELL'. Who cause the fuss. Living on fruit juice and lettuce they're convinced they're dying .Esspecially as they're liver has been destroyed by reading the label on a wine bottle last xmas. They can cure or compound their phobia by doing a self test on their liver with a special kit ,just brought out. I don't think i'll be asking Father xmas for one .I'll plug it into my arm ,or whatever and wait for the buzzers to buzz;The lights to flash,and the bells to clang. I've a toughened ,beaten n' battered little liver.Like a karate masters knuckle, it's been 'conditioned' through the years,and it may not be pretty,but it'll handle a few more bacon butties and pints of Guiness and red wine for a wee wee(the drink!) while to come.

You don't have to be stupid n' uneducated to go into politics ,but it helps.

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Home ,Not so much Jet lagged ,more jet shagged-out!

Thomas cook-up n' Manchester Airport. Together they can reduce immigration figures for the goverment.

AAAAhh! Home ,at last . Holidays're great ,but it's always nice to come home .Esspecially when you've had to trust yourself to the tender loving care of those twisted bastards at Manchester Airport and Thomas Cook-Up. Who want you to have a true holiday abroad and experiance all that international travel has to offer in the limited time you have available. So, on top of our ,has to be said .Very pleasurable stay in a hotel in Ibizia, with plenty of food and drink,etc. They very kindly threw in what felt like a week at Manchester airport. Hours of delays, with their impressive array of shops,cafe's ,retaurants and bars...ALL CLOSED!!(or closing.) Then .Another couple of hours sitting developing our piles and rheumatism on the plane ,as technical problems were being addressed???

On our return from far off lands to Manchester Airport. I think that the people who run it are so proud of it ,they're frightened of us just rushing through and not paying attention to what a wonderful airport they have. So, they cunningly make you wait a couple of hours for your bags to rattle through on the 'carousel'.

I think i'll have a word with a few of these immigrants that the goverment have horribly miscalculated the numbers flooding in,and see how they get about with such seeming ease.'Cos i'm bloody sure it's not with Thomas Cook-Up n' Manch' Airport. Because , if it was , i think the goverment figures'd be a little nearer the mark .

Friday, 19 October 2007

Hopefull y when we come home we'll have a world champion AND a world cup

Ol' Farts going on holiday

My beloved missus, after spending 6 weeks looking at photos of hotel swimming pools, has decided we're going to one in Ibizia, for a week. My 9 yr old(going on 50) is thoroughly disgusted that we're not going to the ,Wild ,crazy ,clubbing pubbing, sex n fun,etc, etc in the sun part .But are crashing by a bar in the ol' farts part of the island , to sit watch the world go by ;Drink it under the table ,reading Richard and Judies 'Book of the month' at the same time. Gawd, We know how to enjoy ourselves, Who needs 18-30's an' all that?

Another Brit abroad, doin' me bit.

Cartoonists appreciation of other cartoonists

Why all cartoonists are bastards except for me!

A cartoonists lot is not a happy one .Lonely days trying to squeeze inspiration ,genius and humour out of that mushy lump laughingly called a brain. Then when you do strike a nugget of genius ,you just have to sit 'n' wait for the REJECTION SLIP!!!!Ahh, the REJECTION SLIP!!! Then when you do get work published ,getting paid is almost as bigger laff as the original 'gag'(i always hated that word for some reason.)....I know i'm not alone in my gripping ,in fact its often been said ,a collective noun for a group of cartoonists should be something like a ;Grumble/moan /complaint of cartoonists. These're my kind o' guys!Failures 'n'deadbeats...

As i said , if you've been paying attention. A cartoonists life is often a quiet ,lonely one ,straining for ideas. When you hear of other cartoonists ,its normally when their works appeared somewhere, or at some kind of social 'piss up'. So, they're in 'good form'. So, it seems to my embittered mind that everybody except me is picking great ideas out of the ether;Editors are pestering them to hurry up and deliver their work ,and life is wonderful being a cartoonist.When i'm looking at other peoples work ,they always seem to have solved the compositional problems and such that i seem to be plagued with. And the lovely ideas were stuff i'd've gotten around to thinking up eventually. I know i hadn't thought the ideas up yet ,but i still consider it creative theft. My god! How do you people sleep at night?...Probably quite easily, ya "£$%&*'s.

Thursday, 18 October 2007


Apparently theres a shortage of England Rugby shirts available, as for now Rugby's the new Soccer( especially after last night.) .But the thing i can't figure is why. These scientifically designed high density material moulded 'overskins' look bloody un comfortable on the supreme athletes they were fitted for. Lets just say that most of us can't really ,in all honesty describe ourselves as 'supreme athletes'.And leave it at that. So, gawd knows what sights'll be seen around boozers all over the weekend and probably not too much longer, as the wearers will find themselves straining to breath and drink, as their ,Middle aged spreadings ,Love handles 'n' good ol' beer belly is forced up into their chest cavity ,as their heart and lungs are pushed up into their neck and head. And the brain ,oh they'll leave that in a box at home.
Bring back the loose ol' baggy cotton shirts they were comfy and covered a multitude of sins. My missus looks quite sexy in her ol'baggy rugby shirt, even if it is Welsh.

Tight shirt for the loose body

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Donating sperm for Guinness

My beloved missus came back from a 'business trip' to London with a copy of theLondon Evening Standard. After catching up with the events of the day, the state of the world/nation ,etc,etc. My attention was captured by an advert looking for Sperm Donors. All expenses paid. I could start attending some of the cartoonist meetings. Surely my 'donations'd' be worth a train fare and a few pints in the cartoonist. To replenish my reduced fluid levels, you understand.

So,Don't worry, when it's my round and i nip out with a plastic bucket and this months 'Big jugs for men', for 10 minutes ,or so. I've got to do something to earn my expenses, and pay those London rates for a pint of Guinness.

Monday, 15 October 2007

Weapon of mass destraction


Do you need to reheat a cold war

The other day the news was full of how Senator Convertable Rice had been sent by our beloved president Bush to calm the Russians down. For some reasons they were a little put out at the Yanks wanting to base 'A whole heap 'o' Nuclear missiles' virtually on the Russian borders as part of a missile defensive screen. (Does anyone remember a place called Cuba ,a few years ago?). Revenge may be a dish best served cold. But is a cold war in need of reheating?

John Simpson was interviewed by 'Parky' the other day .And ,in reference to Convertable Rice and others 'at the top',He said they didn't really know what the hell was going on, they just wanted',To please the boss!'. Then today they showed a film called ,'The day after.'About a Nuclear strike and the resultant devastation. A great film, it scared the shit outta me. The weaponary's bad enough. But it's the nutters(politicians) who launch them ,they're the ones to be 'very afraid' of. Ooh Boy, ithink i'll start digging the shelter now.

England v Soth Ifrikah

Much to everybodies shock and amazement England are in the world cup final(RU)...The bookies odds were astronomical, but they've probably settled into a slightly lower orbit now. But, apparently the R.F.U didn't hold out much hope for our boys either. So, they didn't bother to insure themselves against having to pay out the 80,000pound bonus/man ,if they win the final. So, if England do win, the R.F.U.'re going to get a good hammering. I wonder if any of that fine body of gentlemen would have things crossed in the desperate hope the Soth Ifrikahn's will win. Surely not, the mere thought .

Sunday, 14 October 2007


Well, well ,what a day for sport . ;The 'footy 'n' The Rugger;'N' me sprawled across the couch ,perfecting the arts of picking ,scratching 'n' squeezing bits of my anatomy...Ah, it's the sporting life for me.

It was a great day for balls of both shapes.


Saturday, 13 October 2007

You do yer best to bring money into the house

On the radio the goverment ,gawd bless 'em ,want to ,'Promote the traditional family unit'. So, make a variety of tax benefits for people who get married. I thought 'hang on', i'll nip out 'n'n get married ;Have a party ;A honeymoon.Make a few bob. And ,as they say 'Bob's yer uncle'....But would the missus let me?..No way .My creativity is being stifled in every direction. God, you just can't win.

Who sez romance is dead

Tonight the telly's mine(if that's ok with' them.'

Well, tonights the night ,we beat the Aussies last week ,but according to my Welsh father in law .The English don't play proper Rugby .And he can't stand watching them. The Australians 'd probably agree...Funny that!. Tonight the real ol' enema's The French!!!!!!!

If the telly people can squeeze the game on ,in between the bloody X- factor and celebrity limbo dancing and Ant 'n' Dec go the chippy ,or whatever . I may catch a few minutes of 1/2 time.

The ol' enemy

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

No noose is good noose.

This was drawn about some foreign
cartoonists who were arrested and i think
executed for their cartoons. It's great
being in a country where you can
draw what you want....It's just that there's
no one to publish them anymore.

You must be choking!

Ways to keep a cartoonist happy