Monday, 17 November 2014
THEY MIGHT'VE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AFTER ALL THE MURDER ,CANNIBILISM ,PAEDAPHILIA, AND PURE UNADULTERATED SLAUGHTER!!!!!
Most of the famous stories have been rewritten through history and the original endings changed, mainly to the boring 'pain in the arse' ,'Happy ever after' endings . you 'd be stunned to find out how many of the heroes in the tales get murdered ,poisioned ,chopped up or eaten.
Take the story of Hansel and Gretel. They lived in a cottage by a wood with their dad and step mother. Thats another thing all the families are step sisters ,mothers ,etc ,so they can be evil and nasty with a clear concience. Their step mother decides the kids are eating too much and they can't afford to keep them so she nags their loving dad ,who ,in the end agrees to dump them deep in the woods where they'd get lost and eaten by wolves ,or just get lost. The kids hear this scheming and collect a pile of white stones to make a track to find their way home, which much to mum's disgust they manage. After a breif respite the operation is rerprieved and off they go again,but using bread crumbs which fails miserably as the birds eat the bread crumbs so the kids are truly lost.
As everybody knows forests are full of evil old witches who live in gingerbread houses, made of cake and sweets with windows of clear sugar. I'm not sure what attracted them to the roof ,but they were caught eating the roof of the cottage by the blind wicked old witch who lived there. She decided she'd make a slave out of Gretel and bung Hansel in a cage and fatten him up so she could eat him. So as Gretel was beaten into slave labour ,Hansel was stuffing his face, but by picking up a finger bone from the previous dinner who occupied the cage he fooled the witch into thinking he was still skinny, so he was given a bit of breathing space before being bunged into the oven. But the witch decided Gretel'd do as a nice snack and to rub it in made Gretel heat the stove up before getting in herself, the witch grew impatient and went to see if the stove was hot enough when Gretel shoved her in and the witch was cooked in her own stove. The two kids found vases full of treasure ,as every witches castle and ogres castle, etc is full to the gunnells of treasure. They went home ,found their lonely dad ,as their step mum had disappeared and dad didn't have an explanation where she was ,which does seem strange and somewhat suspicious, but with the nicked treasure they all lived .....Yep! You guessed it!
Cinderella was a victim of vicious step sisters, and ugly step sisters who kicked her shapely arse on a regular basis as the treated her as a slave and dressed her in rags, but they were a bit jealous as Cinders was a tasty bit of stuff much to their disgust. It came to pass that there was a big ball at the princes palace down the road, not the local boozer ,but an actual princes palace and Cinders 's ugly step sisters went ,but wouldn't let Cinders, but like any woman ,she couldn't've gone "as she didn't a thing to wear!". But like any good looked bedraggled neglected slave labourer she had her own Fairy Godmother who appeared, waved her magic wand ,informing Cinders,"You shall go to the ball!" A little bit more wand waving and funny things started to happen. A pumpkin turned into a golden carriage; A couple of mice turned into horses; A rat turned into a coachman; A lizard into a footman....I cant help thinking she couldn't have been much good at cleaning around the house ,as it was full of rats,mice, lizards?....Then , the rags were changed to a gown and a pair of glass slippers were put on her feet. I cant help thinking glass slippers?...A little dangerous ,break them and severed.
arteries around the feet and ankles .
The main condition the Fairy Godmother stipulated was for her to be the bell of the ball and to 'leg it by midnight!', which she just about did leaving the freshly besotted prince with one glass slipper as she 'legged it' a little awkwardly wit only one slipper on. The besotted love sick prince went to every girl in the kingdom to see if the slipper fitted anyone ,funnily enough it fitted only one bedraggled girl, so they got married ,Cinders forgave her family and ,Yep!, you guessed it ...They all did!
Then ,lest we forget the gorgeous Snow White. We know she was gorgeous 'cos the queen who was fairly tasty herself and knew it and liked to be reminded of it by way of a magic mirror. She'd say, according to the Disney film,"Mirror ,mirror on the wall ,who's the prettiest of them all?"or something like that .The mirror always replied in total agreement ,until one day it said the queen was beautiful ,but not a patch on Snow White ,who'd obviously blossomed into girlyhood. She sent one of her men to dump her in the forest again ,but to bring her lungs and heart back to show she was dead. The fellah couldn't do it and brought a wild boars lungs, etc back ,which would've worked if the magic mirror hadn't 'grassed him up!'
Snow White stumbled across the home of the Seven dwarves who let the most beautiful creature in the land stay with them if she cleaned and cooked n' stuff for them.....Hey there lads ,them dwarves ,aren't they? The queen still wasn't going to give up getting rid of the competition, she tracked her down withthat grass of a magic mirror and tied a really tight laced bodice onto to suffocate her. The dwarves found her ,watched for a while, i mean a tight bodice on the most beautiful creature in the land? They probably took a few pictures then drew lots to see who'd take it off. The queen got more and more 'pissed off' as her attempts to kill Snow White failed ,poisoned combs, poisoned apples,removed by a handsome prince who married Snow White and invited the queen to the wedding and put her feet into red hot metal shoes which were so hot she had to dance until she died!....She didn't live happily ever after ,but i'll give you a guess who did.
There was Jack who lived with his mum and an ex-milking cow. Jack took the cow to sell at market ,but was sidetracked by an old fellah who offered him some seeds for the cow which Jack took ,his mam went mad and sent him to bed, flingig the seeds out of the window .The following morning a giant beanstalk stood reaching into the clouds. Jack thought for some reason "I know i'll climb to the top of that giant beanstalk which he promptly did. When he got to the top he saw the oddest thing ,a giants castle at 30,000 feet. He knocked on the door and Mrs Giant answered and invited him in and hid him from the Giant of the house who ,apparently didn't like "...The blood of an Englishman!" Jack thanked Mrs Giants kindness by nicking abag of gold and 'legging it. But the next night he nicked a goose that layed golden eggs. The following night he 'half-inched' a harp that played itself which woke the giant who chased Jack down the stalk, Jack got an axe and toppled the beanstalk and the giant was splattered over Englands green and blood red splattered pleasant land, Jack and his mum ,i dont know if they were happy ,ever after , i don't know if they like harp music. And theres Mrs Giant Widow ,nobody gave her a thought.
Witches abound demanding the babies off expectant mothers .Rapunzel was taken and imprisioned in a tower and her only visitor was the evil witch who would climb her hair which was as long as the tower. One day a handsome prince heard her singing and saw the witch getting up the tower ,thinking ,she's a bit of alright i'll try thaat and charmed his way up Rapunzels golden locks and something else ,apparently as the witch soon noticed her dress seemed tight and realised she was pregnant, cut her hair off and threw her out of the tower , threw the prince out who was blinded in the bushes ,but eventually after wandering blindly through that wood he heard Rapunzel singing to her new twin kids and she cured his blindness she may have looked like Sinead O'Connor for a while ,but 'TALHEA!
Little red riding hood , on her way to her grannies was overtaken by a very smart evil wolf who went to grannies pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood and senile ol' Granny fell for it and let him in ,whereupon he swallowed her whole. Dressing up as Granny the wolf got into bed and pulled the same scam on Little Red Riding Hood, who not having senility as a valid excuse fell for it after noting Granny seemed to have a ;Deep voice ;Big eyes and big hands. Whicch combined to make it better to welcome her wit ;See her with and hug her with......Then he swallowed her! A tree cutter passing saw this marched in ,split the wolf open and out came a slighty gastric juice soaked Granny and grandaughter who all lived....Ohhh you know!
All good blood and gore ....Theres the pied piper of Hamlin who was contracted by the town mayor to get rid of a plague of rats ,which he duly did ,drowning them in a local stream. But they wouldn't pay him ,a situation as any good cartoonist can relate to,so he leads all the towns children away ,never to be seen again ,the story is oen ended ,did he kill them ,or have his 'evil way' ,definitly no happy ending in that one!