WOOLWORTHS ON SALE FOR A PENNY!..GIVE ME 50, AND A LOAF OF BREAD, SO ICAN HAVE A ROUND OF TOAST AS I WATCH THE MILLIONS FLOOD IN!

We ,undoubtably live in dire, dark times. Recessions, credit crunches, Financial meltdowns, banking 'balls ups, Goverment' fuck ups' and a whole array of banky financial terminology that us men on the street, (now, in many cases,permenantly!) would never be able to understand. But for some of us for whom the survival instinct runs deep, and partly due to the fact our height measures only 5foot 6 inches, on a hot day, in thick socks, have their ears close to the ground, which explains why i didn't hear the snippet of financial news which is about to change my life. So, standing up straight taking my ear off the cold ground,which, apparently may explain touches of earache, recently. No, it's not the missus, the Lovely Lynne ,thats not an ache, thats more of a pain!...But, Woolworths're going to sell their highstreet branches at a PENNY!.....YES A PENNY!, a shot. So i'm racing down to the cash point. Technology being what it is, i can't have a penny, so i'll have to get a fiver, at least. So, i buy a heap of Woolworths branches for a few bob then sell the stuff inside. I can't lose. Even if i knock the prices right down ,or 'slashed', as we in the retail trade say. On top of making a fortune, its solved my christmas present headaches as well.And The Lovely Lynnes credit card bill, after running up horrendous amounts ringing to keep John Sergeant on" Strictly, celebrity ,i'm a ballroom dancer ,get me outta the x-factor,on ice", or whatever. So, you lot may be suffering from credit crunches ,but due to my quick thinking i'm Debt crunching .

Just before the financial news, i referred to came on the news ,some baseball cap wearing 80 year old hip-hop skateboarder was on the telly, i was shocked and amazed to see it was 'Brucie' Forsythe. He was on about a certain fat political journalist leaving a certain dance show. I thought it a shame that the judges on the show gave him such a hard time. The Lovely Lynne is the one who watches the programme, its just on in the background for me, i'm too much of a man to watch cissy dancing n' stuff, i've got dinner dishes to wash. they don't do themselves y'know. But, to be fair the amount of training that they all put into the competition is impressive. Ol John Sergeant may not have been a top dancer, but he was an entertaining character and he gave it a good go, coming ,as he did from way, way ,behind the others start lines, due to his age and physical condition, etc.As has been said. The Great British public like the underdog; don't like authority and being told what to do and 'whats right'. So, the public had a chance to 'shove one up' em', and took it. Personnally, i think the judges should retire.

But, now! Don't get me started on the F*************'IN' X-FACTOR!!!!!!........ For similar reasons, as the dancing the Leatherbarrow house rings to pain in the arse wanna be "its all i've dreamed about, since my family dropped dead"pop stars ; Gob- shite boy bands; Hairdressers and tanning salon employees girl bands, etc, etc. If they want to be 'pop stars ,go out on the road and play and do the bloody job, instead of rehearsing mariah carey songs and dance moves in your flamin' bedrooms. Simon Callow and Louis Walsh, you've a lot to answer for, you bastards!

WE MAY BE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE, BUT GEORGE 'DUBYA'S' GONNA WORK SOMETHING OUT TO SAVE US, THERE, NOW DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ?-

There is a pile of finance companies in the 'good ol' U.S.of.A, which go by names like 'Red neck George Finklesteins'; Auntie delores's amalgamated ; Chuck n' Butch's money factory, mom's apple pie finances, etc, etc, all who seem to be having money troubles. But far from being the names of back water Kentucky shops n' banks out of old Beverley Hillbilly episodes, they're huge American finance corporations and they are having all kinds of money troubles, which ,apparently is screwing up the prices of unsmoked back bacon, Rice Kripies and teabags in Asda over here. So as the world plummets down towards this financial catastrophe of one of old or new testament or even biblical proportions. Banks, building societies, etc close or have to be bailed out by the Bank of England,staff are booted to hell out of it and theres nothing else on Sky News between Eamon Holmes and the weather n' adverts, but financial 'shock horror, breaking, latest financial updates. But its alright, theres nothing to worry about. No! George 'Dubya' Bush is going to work on solving the cash crisis that threatens to engulf us all. He will be aided in this task of averting this financial meltdown by the man who sold all our gold reserves, lost us all our pensions and made it so we can'retire untill we're about 96, the 'boy' wonder, Mr Gordon Brown. There i told you, it'd be ok.

I wonder why the money and finances of the world aren't left to bankers and experts in finance whose aim is to keep the money and wealth flowing, admittedly ,some going their way, but that is a little more understandable than having the finances of the world totally dependant on bastard politicians, party politics,opinion polls , presidential candidates, spin doctors, etc, etc. Imagine going in to hospital for an emergency operation and instead of a surgeon they dragged in a politician, because his party cares and wants to save your life and to show the British public how ,not only is the NHS safe in their hand ,but he can whip your spleen out too. The patient may die, but a goverment spokesman would put a positive spin on it, so all would be well, well not for you, but your dead .