THERES A REASON A POP STARS APPRENTICESHIP IS ONLY 3 MONTHS AND A PLUMBERS IS ABOUT 3 YEARS!....

Now that the X FACTOR has finally finished for the fortnight or so before it starts all over again as 'Britains got talent on ice, get me outta here,' or whatever.But what becomes of the would be pop stars. These people sweated ,slaved, shrieked n' warbled their way to the finals of the show. Until, a wee 16 year old cute, smiley little lad from the North- east who, that pain in the arse collection of skin bone n' hair, SHERYL COLE kept ,endlessly announcing, how" she really loved him, like a little brother and was sooo proud of him, etc, etc,, and on n' on" , (in a geordie accent,of course.) finally won and his single normally the x mas no 1 was out before he left the stage. But evil scheming was afoot....Some facebook petition or something put foreward an old song by an American rock/rap, or rap/rock band called 'AGAINST THE MACHINE', maybe that was a dig at Simon C's hold over the xmas no1, But a yank band with an old odd rocker made the top spot(what would Simon Bates say?)...That was the big news. So our little Geordie pop star, after his 3 month apprenticeship to become a pop star can only make no 2, shame on him. They should take his certificate of pop star proficiency away from him, he's failed his first big job.

Now whats a cute sugary little pop star to do? There must be work for cute young pop stars with nice teeth. Put an add in the Johnsons directory or the Yellow Pages. He would have to decide wether to go under 'P' for pop star ,or 'C' for cute. But in an in depth conversation with my daughter, i mentioned we'd have to look up the number of a not necessarily cute plumber to do some jobs around Leatherbarrow towers. We dont need a cute pop star, but she thought we should ring a cute pop star to come around maybe to seranade the plumber as he unblocks the sink. So if theres workmen about or noise ,nothing on the telly ,look up and compare prices of cute qualified (ex-X-Factor finalists) pop stars in the phone book.

IF YOUR NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR'S KNACKERED I CAN HELP, BUT IF YOUR TOILETS BUNGED UP YOUR KNACKERED ,I'M SORRY !

Most people know somebody who can 'do jobs'. Y'know plumbing or a bit of 'Elekky' jobs around the house, and so the list goes on. I know a few lads like this , but i've gone further. I've moved foreward into the 21st century social circle. A world where people don't rely on plumbers and basic 'elekky' skills but are much more advanced. I have a cicle of friends and aquaintances who are nothing less than NUCLEAR INSPECTORS. So, if you have any troubles with your cold fusion reactor in the years to come, give me a shout .'I know a fellah, and a woman, who can sort you out'. If your toilets bunged up ,or the telly's not getting channel5, or something, i wont be much help to you. But if your nuclear power station is giving you problems, give us a shout.

DEAD COMPUTERS; DEAD COMPUTER REPAIRMEN ALL GET CONNECTED AT WWW.PEARLYGATES@HEAVEN.COM

Hello there, one n'all. Sorry about the on-line, finger on the pulse ,incisive comment-less couple of weeks, but this was due to a technological 'spanner in the works'. Namely the bloody computer blew up /crashed-out. And eventually after trying to work it all out myself, seeing the amount of cables stuck in the back of our basic PC. Roughly about twice what the Large hadron collider has around its magnets, i looked and thought something along the lines of "£$%&* that!!!" We'll get someone in, but couldnt find the guy we've used before. And wrapped in the cables was the skeletal remains of ,who i suppose to be the brave noble soul who was the last PC repairman we called out the last time the dangblamed thing decided to screw us up.

I imagined as i unwrapped the boney ex repairman from the mass of cables. The dogs were showing great interest, lots of bone, but i dont know if ex PC repairmen have much in the way of marrowbone jelly for a dogs healthy teeth n' coat and all the healthy things dog food advertisers place such importance on. I dont suppose he's too worried, being the dedicated sort like these PC repairmen are. He's sitting on a celestial cloud somewhere still nobly trying to get an internet connection from those fine chaps at AOL(?). It's hard enough to get one down here, it must be murder in paradise. I think he'll have to change his broadband supplier to http://www.pearlygates@heaven.com/.

Technology is truly a wonderful thing, so i'm told. Obviously all this smashing of subatomic particles together to unlock the secrets of the universe is very nice, but that is as nothing to my beloved wife, the Lovely Lynne. To whom sciencs begins and ends with a new dishwasher. So, we get one. Two sweaty fellahs from Curries hump this big box into the middle of the kitchen floor, then smartly piss off. Then follows 2 days deciphering the single page of Enigma code transcript that comprises the instructions on how to fit the bloody thing. We swore solidly for 2 days. I got a mate in, he's a handyman/plumber, he spent the day adding to our growing collection of swearwords for fitting dishwashers too. Eventually a couple of fellahs came out a day or so later and added to our dictionary, but finally we did it, got the damn thing fitted and connected. I don't understand why we need it. I don't mind washing up, sticking some loud music on; Grabbing the Fairy Liquid and off we jolly well go. simple!

Using the bloody machine you have to rinse everything before you put everything in its special place. then when its done you've often got to rinse and wipe the'clean' stuff again. So, why not forget the machine and save time and just wash everything in the sink 3 or 4 times? It may not be a highly puzzling technological question on par with the big bang, but it confuses the hell outta me. The Big Bang, does seem to make some sense to me, unlike women and dishwashers.....Gawd, i need a drink.