MONEY DOESN'T BRING YOU HAPPINESS,BUT, APPARENTLY 'HAVIN' A FEW BOB' WILL CHEER YOU UP...OFFICIAL!!!!

Work is non existant and my benefit ,as i'm a social parasite bleeding the country dry claiming a benefit ,but i was caught by our eagle eyed goverment and dont get a penny not a bean!.....So i was sitting drawing ,or was it writing some rubbish or other and feeling pretty down. The radio informed me that among the things my cancelled benefits were paying for was a new hi-speed rail link so we can get to Birmingham half an hour quicker. Not only that , but a contract to build a pile of new fighter aircraft by the Yanks , it turns out that due to a design 'mistake', the aircraft wont be able to land on aircraft carriers due to the positioning of the snatch hook on the aircraft....Instead of at the rear of the plane ,they've put the hook between the wheels of the undercarriage, so when the wheels run over the snatch cable flattening it the hook wont touch it, so theres a few billion more blown, but i'm doing my bit giving up my paltry 60 quid a week. Theres m,any other things my benefits'll help, even a new yacht for'Her Majesty'....Your welcome, Ma'am!...(can you post me knighthood?)

But another important cost was encrued by paying for a study to tell us how we are happier when we've got a 'few bob!'......I've just checked one pocket and there was nothing in it and i felt a wave of depression, but that was wiped away when i found a fiver in my other pocket. They stopped my benefit to pay for a study telling me i'd be happy with a'few bob'...And its true, so thats ok then, maybe the goverment actually do know what they're doing?

AIR POO-LLUTION

'Up There!'.....Theres nothing there as its only thin gas we know as air and if you toss a stone or something up it flips and plummets straight back down again twice as fast as it went up. Theres no way anything should be able to stay up there. Then your argument hits its first hiccup when the first birdie flutters by and shits on your car windscreen. Birds are amazing creatures with the gift of flight.....Well their exterior ,the feathered bit is gifted their insides arent as gifted,but as long as the insides stay inside all is well. When the remains of their last meal decide to make an appearence as happens with all of gods creatures, gravity snatches the disgusting mess from beneath the tail feathers plummetting down to splatter across the pristine windscreen or shampoo'ed hair of some poor pedestrian. This ,in our little land is a mere inconvenience, but when we lived in India and Malaysia and EAGLES,FALCONS,HAWKS,etc constantly circled high overhead . Their 'do's' were like being shit on by a shire horse from 800 feet. Natures very pretty and all that, but dont look up too often.

If you look up where we live you see a sky criss crossed with aircraft vapour trails, when you see a jet flying through a clear cloudless blue sky i cant help thinking"What in gods name is keeping it up?" The moisture and fuel droplets filter down over us as do the billowing clouds from local power stations and the flagrant emissions that bubble and billow forth from RUNCORN and WIDNES and various spots around the fragrant NORTH WEST. It all eventually falls from the skies ,as did the radiation from CHERNOBYLL all thoseyears ago ,i remember the weather forecasts reporting the progress of the radiation cloud. And i was in LIVERPOOL as it drifted over during a rainstorm, little irradiated raindrops dripping over our heads.

All the SPACE JUNK building up ,sattelites and space stations,etc some losing their orbital velocity and turning into a fireball as they hopefully burn up in the atmoshere, but not all the time. Hands up all you old farts who remember SKYLAB falling out of orbit ,not NASA's proudest moment ,landed in Australia, i think. But while all these goodies from bird muck to space stations are constantly pouring and tumbling out of the sky, theres even more mysterious and deadly forces at work. Dust and rocks, meteors and meteorites are burning through the skies. If your not too worried about the effect of a fair sized lump of rock fresh from the KEIPER BELT or the OORT CLOUD at the limits of the SOLAR SYSTEM, just ask any DINOSAUR what he thinks about meteorites. I was looking at a picture of a place called TSUNGUSKA(i think!), but a meteor exploded above the ground and flattened forests for 500 miles around all the trees flush with the deck radiating away from the blast zone.

At the risk of spreading fear and paranoia, the sky looks clear ,fresh and emty ,totally harmless ,but its not, actually as i've been typing this garbage a bird flew into the window of my studio ,put the fear of god up me ,stupid little feathered get!

BOOM BANG-A-BANG AIRLINES.....

Over the years all of us who've done a bit of whizzing around the world on airplanes have experianced the joy of queuing for hours on end while our ,toothpaste;Bottles of water;After shave and stinky stuff bottles; Tubes of lotions; nail clippers;Pen knives,just about sharp enough to cut paper is all confiscated for the safety and security of one n' all. In the never ending fight against terrorists taking over planes, we cant take chances. One of these maniacs threatening the crew with nasal hair clippers to stay back and do as they're told as he primes his underpants . You have to understand that terrorist technology has moved with the times and they have refined the art of exploding things like underpants, socks n' shoes. So, is nothing safe? Obviously not as we've had a spate of suspected bombs on a few planes, over the last few days.

But it turns out all the security we've been forced through was an ,almost, total waste of time. Unless you had a big black ball with a fuse sticking out the top, and the word BOMB written on the side in big white letters, they had no real way of knowing for sure if there was explosives on board.It all seems to be just another blast of "LETS BE SEEN TO BE DOING SOMETHING FOR THE GOOD OF THE BRITISH VOTERS-NESS!!!"...By our beloved politicians, gawd bless their expense bought cotton socks.

The thing that stuns me is that ,as the conversation on various news programmes goes on about the possibility of the average air traveller being blown to bits at 30,000 feet or so, which is bad enough to spoil anyones day. The subject is changed from the possible bloodshed-type problems, to the much more important POLITICAL PROBLEMS this would cause to CAMERON n' OBAMA......If ,god forbid i do find myself being sucked out of the fuselage of an aircraft at 50000 feet , a few thousand miles from the nearest land.....Well Cameron and Obama ,you have my sympathy!

AN EXPERT IS SOMEBODY VERY CLEVER WHO WARNS AND ADVISES US ABOUT THINGS THAT WE'VE KNOWN ABOUT FOR AGES !

Everything is run by bosses and experts ,the experts tell the bosses whats happenin' on the streets and markets in their considered opinion. Bosses need to know these things as being big bosses , unlike the rest of us who work 8 hours a day with an hour for lunch, they have an hour for work and the rest for lunches and dinners. They just aren't able to involve themselves with the 'nuts and bolts 'and people involved in the business that pays their incredible incomes and mind boggling bonuses. Ironically the less you do the more you can 'rake in.'


When an aircraft is about to crash ,you don't need to be an expert in aerodynamics or aviation to understand what is going on. Everything that isn't strapped down slides down to the front of the airplane ;The ground seems to be getting nearer, as can be divined by the houses and cars getting bigger by the second; The attendants want you to ram your head between your legs???...I'm sure it's not ,as has been hinted at , to kiss your arse goodbye.But it would be a more enjoyable last few minutes if you could stick your head between somebody elses legs and kiss their arse goodbye, but i'll move on thats for another blog and 'The Lovely Lynne may read this.. In the cockpit ( this is nothing to do with heads between legs , this is where the pilot sits you twisted swines..). The pilot will realise that the day isn't going to be one of his better ones as the screaming of the jets; The spinning dials and altimeters spinning in all directions rather than hovering over where they should be. This all points to passengers and crew that the plane is in deep shit. Whereas the head of the airline authority on his extended lunch will have no knowledge of whats happening and would probably deny it was and insist that flying was still safer than crossing the road.


When fighting on the front line in a war the soldiers know when things aren't going their way. Bullets whistling past their heads ;Artillery shells exploding ;Arms ,legs, heads, guts flying everywhere. The mate you where shouting to suddenly his face and head dissapears and his helmet falls to the empty space between his collar bones. All these subtle signs would be a dead giveaway to the 'Tommies in the trenches'that they were in deep shit. But again way, way, back in a beautifully maintained country house the bosses or the 'brass' were pouring over maps and pouring the port from the well stocked cellar. oblivious to the slaughter, messages arrive from the front eventually, but the 'brass' would never go to the business end of their schemes and plans. Miss dinner and muddy their riding boots.



Like the beaten armies and crashing aircraft , all those in businesses and banks across the land knew that a hugh glob of S*H*1*T* was about to hit the fan. All except our glorious leaders the bosses holding out for the bonusses or is that bonii ? Ignore anything long enough and it will go away, so when a chap called a whistleblower ,whistles an unhappy tune of troubles ahead if we carry on down this bumpy track,which interupts the blissful ignorance of the blissfully ignorant, they must be sacked and got rid of. ...So the army gets battered and slaughterd ;The aircraft falls from the sky, Destruction ,mayhem and confussion reign......So, our heroes apologise, almost jokingly ,pick up their payoff and claim their bonus and live happily ever after ......I apologise , i take my hat off to these experts they are brilliant ,how do they get away with it?