FORGET THE BRITISH BOBBY,DIRTY DAVID CAMERON IS GONNA CLEAN THE STREETS WITH ADVICE FROM AMERICA'S TOUGHEST COP!

Forget DIXON OF DOCK GREEN; Z-CARS,even THE SWEENEY......What do you mean you already had? Well i'll have you know that many of us still remember when the BRITISH BOBBY reigned supreme . The toughest baddie was reduced to blubbering tears by GEORGE DIXON, saying "Evenin' all!, or ,"Put down that shot gun, lad don't be an idiot!", worked everytime. And everyone went to jail happily ,as they knew they jolly well deserved to be there. But sadly times have changed and things've gotten a slight tad nastier and meaner. So DAVID CAMERON, gawd bless 'im ,he's the Prime Minister y'know. Well, our glorious leader in the spirit of CHURCHILL himself has in the spirit of goverment cuts declared another war ,but this time at home, its far cheaper you dont have to worry about armies and airforces , jut get the police, or whats left of them and brace yourself for some overtime claims , the british taxpayer can cough that up easy enough. He's reolute and he wont be defeated , so to sort out the METROPOLITAN POLICE ,he's done the obvious....Ran to the Yanks for help?

America is , apparently ,the LAND OF THE FREE. Your free if you can afford to be. But in a land where theres murders every fraction of a second; Gang killings by the minute; Psychotic gunmen shooting up schools n colleges every day or so. The name, land of the Brave is apt, I think you'd have to be, it'd scare the bejabbers out of me . These are the places totally out of control and left to their own fun and devices. David Cameron has seen them places and ignored them and in his bright eyed and bushy tailed little way, looked at all the nice little towns to see how they combat robberies of 'moms apple pies,etc. But maybe i'm doing our glorious leader a diservice and maybe he wants to see how the yanks do it ,so he can ignore it completly, but i doubt it. He'll ignore the best police force in the world, the one on his doorstep that hes cutting up and take the advice much to the Met's disgust of a man whose probably only holidayed over here, and who ,incidentally 'Our David' had lined up to take over the metropolitan police. I'm telling you ,the next set of riots wont be scally kids , but disgusted police officers.

HOW CAN A GEEZER BLAG A BANK IF HE CANT GET HIS BALACLAVER OVER HIS NOSE ?

The other day i had a busy day ahead of me .So, i put the kettle on , boiled an egg, made some toast sat and turned the telly on. After contemplation of the multiple tasks that the day held before me, i put the kettle on again and thought something along the lines of "Oooh F**k it !"..I knew there were things that i had to do, and i wasn't going to neglect my responsibilities. One of the tasks that had to be addressed was catching up on the growing collection of films that was building up on the SKY+system. The first i'd been meaning to watch was McVICAR, starring a certain Mr ROGER DALTREY. It wasn't bad. A certain Hard man called John McVicar had, apparently this annoying habit of going out with some like-minded 'tooled-up geezers' to pull a 'blag' at various banks. Then 'gettin' nicked' and sentanced to 'a stretch', 'in the nick'. After many attempts at escaping and gettin' a kickin' from' the screws'. He is finally released to go through the whole thing again. But 'our hero' escapes, but 'gets nicked again. But he gets a degree and writes about crime on the telly and newspapers and the film is a success and he lives happily ever after. Except, apparently his son, such a cute kid in the film ,playing 'footy' in the park with Roger Daltrey, with a Daltrey backing song playing away. The kid now he's 'all growed up', is 'a tooled -up armed robber, who's been 'sent down', just like his dad, he must be so proud.

I thought i might become 'a geezer';Be 'the daddy'; Pull a few blags; Etc,etc....... But ,not many of you know this but i've 'done time'. I've been in the toughest 'nicks' in the land. I've attempted to escape hundreds of times. Once i made it as far as the landing. When i did get out, the dogs had no trouble following my scent. This was due to an incident with a bar of soap in the shower ,so i never showered for the rest of my 'time'.

I've always believed in wearing the right'gear for a job.."If you pull a blag, pull it right," as my ol' dad used to say on our visits. So, i'd wear a stripped shirt a beret,or bobble hat, and a bag marked with SWAG. I had trouble with balaclavers, as my somewhat aqualine regal, upper class nose wouldn't fit under the wooly covering properly. And, purely coincidentally, the main girlfriends i had through my formative years and even the Lovely Lynne have all worked in various banks, so every 'blag' i pulled i was recognised. The following morning 'The Old Bill ' would bust in telling me how "They were 'the Sweeney and to put my trousers on. Then, for some reason how they hadn't had their dinner". Then off 'For a stretch'. All fascinating stuff, topped off with how i gave up honest thieving to become a criminal cartoonist. I wondered if Roger Daltrey would like to play me in the film. But ,everyone thought with a nose like mine, PETE TOWNSHEND would be better.