Friday, 19 September 2008


Ahhh, the joys of flight! Zipping around the world, almost effortlessly. You arrive at the airport; Your bags are taken by happy smiling staff and you help yourself to food n' drink , then when your flight arrives you amble along to the departure gate, onto the plane and your seat with happy smiling cabin crew helping you all along. And before you know it , your up, up and away. Then you arrive and all this pleasurable experience is repeated in reverse with a different accent and off we go. As in all fairy tales we go and live happily ever after. Like all fairy stories , its a heap o' shit!
Only days ago we flew from Liverpool to Dublin. We parked the car somewhere in North Wales, walked to the John Lennon international airport. Ryanairs team of experts checked us in and took our bags , stripped us before irradiating us in the xray scanners with a variety of expressions and requests none of which was smiling or friendly. Then when we'd deciphered the totally garbled announcements ,we had to walk , virtually to Manchester airport to get to our gate .The flight eventually got to Dublin airport(or is it Val Donican international airport?)..An hour late, not bad for a journey that only takes 20-30 minutes. When we got there, i think, actually we landed at Shannon, going by the walk we had to get to Dublin arrivals.
The day we were coming home we started walking from Dublin to Shannon to our gate after asking someone what the announcer said, nobody had a clue. I know we live in enlightened times .We actively combat, Sexism, racism,ageism, and a whole variety of 'ism's' too many to mention or even to be aware of. One that should be scratched off the list is ,Accentism. Just get an announcer that can speak good 'proper' 'English ' in British and Irish airports. Somethings got to be wrong when everybody in a major international airport looks up at every announcement and says to their companion or anyone around ."What the F***k did he just say?". As i said we continued our long trek to gate D77.A gate etched forever into my memory. When i go, i want my remains spread or scattered, depending what they do with me, at gate D77, Val Doonican international airport. We stood for an age, or so, just growing older, layers of dust and cobwebs formed over us, children reached maturity, mature adults reached old age and passed away, free from the queuing at last. But the rest of us queued on only to find out that our 1345 plane was cancelled till 20.00 that night. After another walk back, a queue of a few more hours , only to find our 20.00 flight was now at 1.00, in the morning. because of technical problems??? Which we were quietly told was technically there wasn't enough people to fill the plane, so they quite simply cancelled it. Nice of them. Mind you, we did get a meal voucher for £3.50, just enough for a small coffee. then spent an age trying to get our bags back just to hand them in again. Eventually we got a plane 10 hours later, only 20 times the time the journey takes
During the course of our day we went through the x-ray machines countless times. But i did discover that ,as we eventually went to bed, finished our reading, as thats what married folks do when they go to bed.( thats a little priveliged info for you dashing young batchelors and single ladies out there). When the light was turned out, we both glowed in the dark like luminous hands on a watch, i thought the Lovely Lynne looked quite fetching irradiated. Does anyone know where we can get a 2nd hand x-ray scanner or some old Uranium, Plutonium,Cobalt. Just to add a little radiation to our sex life, you know what i mean, nudge, nudge.

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