Thursday, 3 September 2009

TOMMY WAS A DEAF DUMB 'N' BLIND BOY WHO COULD PLAY A MEAN PIN-BALL,BUT AT 6.30.A.M, TIMMY'S DEAF, DUMB 'N' BLIND AND CAN PLAY F***K ALL !!

My darlin' dearest 'Little 'un started 'Big Skool' this week. She's loving it. The missus, the Lovely Lynne is upset as she's "lost her 'little girl', and i'm F***ked as i've got to get out of my bed an hour or so earlier. Getting out of bed has never been something i've been good at, but as i grow older and need my 15 hours more and more, i seem to be getting less and less. When i awake on pure instinct,as at this point, concious thought doesn't enter into the equation at any level. I leap out of bed. My legs are unable to support the upper levels as they haven't woken yet, buckle, causing me to crash over a variety of bedside cabinets, then a few seconds later are the cause of me falling 'arse over tit' down the stairs. When i crawl into the kitchen, totally devoid of any sensory stimulation. Somehow, a primevil instinct allows me to put the kettle on and make a bucket of tea. The angel of the morning isn't quite dead yet, not far of it, but not quite.

My theory about the total inability of the bodies sensory or muscular system to 'kick in' when you get up ,until 3 buckets of tea have been consumed is all down to the brain in the skull cavity. When you lie in bed the brain like scots porridge oats slops to the back of the brain cavity, the furthest point from the sensory organs which are situated mainly at the front of the skull, so everythings dissconnected when you go to bed, rather like turning off the telly and things when you go to bed. It helps you to you sleep, i s'pose. When you leap out of bed the foreward momentum presses the brain even harder against the back of the skull and it takes the congealed porridge of your brain a few minutes and lots of tea to slop to the base of the brain cavity and reconnect to eyes and ears and tongue, etc. And only then does the world gradually come into focus. I can even put the telly on ,Sky News and cannot believe that at this ungodly hour there is a smart, groomed,smiling, chirpy, sincere, earnest politician being interviewed by Eamon Holmes, at least he always looks like he's just out of bed.
The other puzzling thing about getting out of bed is how much hair you seem to have. At no other time of the day are you that hairy!... You could go and have a No 1 crewcut, but when you get up at some ungodly hour, hair is sticking up all over the place. My theory is that as you lie there relaxed your 'barnet' is influenced by the Earths magnetic field. I've seen pictures on the Discovery channel showing the magnetic field and it looks like my head in the morning. Ah well i'll have plenty of early morning starts to reflect on these things over the next god knows how many years, the 'Little 'un's'at big skool.

17 comments:

Simon Ellinas said...

Brilliantly funny! Iam going to tweet this now so you get loads more fans.

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

What can i say, mr Ellinas, but your a tweety, twittering, i tort i saw a puddy tat; star.
love n' tweets
Tim the twit or tweet xxx

Hypervox said...

Sorry Tim - doesn't get any better as they get older either - I have to get up for my 18 year old to get his arse moving for work!

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

Thanks 'H'
Just pass me the tablets,drink ,sharp knife and i'll stick me head in the gas oven. it's only been 3 days ,but feels like 18 years.
'T'

Cathy said...

Hi Tim!

I don't have any kids, but sometimes I have to get up in the morning to go to work. This is the best explanation I have heard for why I need three cups of tea before I can function normally. On Thursday the third cup of tea was made for me by a mental patient. He did a jolly good job, too. He must be getting better.

Ah! The hair! As you know, I have rather a lot of hair and when it decides to stick up, it does a jolly good job of THAT, too!

Nice to know I'm not unique in this ...

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

Cathy ,my sweet (and allied tea-making mental patients,) you are totally unique .
One 'n' only Tim xxxx

Cathy said...

Would you like me to send you some of my hair, Oh Timmikins of mine?

xxx

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

Oh yes pleez, just enough to stuff a pillow, a quilt and have enough to weave a pair of undies with . That way you will always be near, Cathy-poo's....
Tim ,the ol' romantic xxxxx

Cathy said...

Sending you a pair of hairy Y-fronts, Timmichops ...

xxx

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

Ahhh, yer a darlin', tis true.what colour is your hair these days and what conditioner is best for hairy y-fronts?

yours in anticipation of sweaty gussets Tim xx

Cathy said...

My hair is striped ginger, white and dark reddish-brown. Later on tonight I intend to swap the white bits for more ginger, having sat with a cow pat on my head for an hour or so. In fact, cow pats (especially mixed with a little incense, almond oil and Hellman's mayonnaise) would make an excellent conditioner for your sweaty gusset.

Why do we always end up talking about things like stains and sweat?

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

My favourite colour scheme. And i've always been fond of the smell of cow pats, hated horses tho' ,due to my families irish farming background ,der in de bogs of County Cavan :to be sure ,to be sure: Top o' the mornin': mines a Guiness, etc ,etc,
As for subject matters, i think it answers more questions about us than it poses.
Tim the leprachaun xx

Anonymous said...

Всем привет!

Недавно перед мной встала задача, куда деть накопишиеся [b]европоддоны[/b], или еще их называют [b]Паллеты[/b],
[b]Поддоны[/b], [b]Европаллет[/b]ы Размеры 800*1200, 1000*1200- Это [u]Тара Пром назначения[/u].
Немного предистории.
Сам я работаю кладовщиком на складе. Нам приходит много продукции на [b]Европоддонах[/b],
товар продаем а поддоны остаются, у нас встал вопрос куда их девать.
Раньше мы их выкидывали.
Потом я узнал, что за поддоны можно получить деньги.
Начал обзванивать фирмы везде были цены низкие,
потом друзья мне подсказали, что в Челябинске есть такая Фирма "[b]Уралсклад[/b]",
около 10 лет на Рынке Промышленной Тары с прекрасной репутацией.
Я нашел их сайт в интернет - [url=http://www.uralsklad.ru]www.uralsklad.ru[/url] и позвонил по тел. +7(351) 233-07-14.
Буквально через час подъехал их представитель, Авто с Логотипом "[url=http://www.uralsklad.ru]Поддоны Челябинск[/url]".
Цены закупочные оказались самые высокие в г. Челябинске.
Все цивилизовано грузчики загрузили [b]Паллеты[/b] ешё и лом поддонов купили, расчитались на месте наличными.
Про другие фирмы я узнавал либо Цены низкие, либо Бракуют много, да и денег от них не дождешься.

Так что если у вас завалялись [b]европоддоны[/b], не торопитесь их выбрасывать, лучше обменяйте их на деньги.

Anonymous said...

I would like to thank You for being the member of this website. Please allow me to have the opportunity to show my satisfaction with Hostgator web hosting. They offer professional and instant support and they also offering some [url=http://adf.ly/213105/thankyou-hostgator ]HostGator discount coupons[/url].

I love HostGator hosting, You will too.

http://forum.laserinformationen.de/index.php?action=profile;u=45527

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Buy ghd Hair Straighteners at [url=http://www.ghdstraighteners--nz.com/]ghd Hair Straighteners[/url] New Zealand www.ghdstraighteners--nz.com Online Outlet With 30%-60% Discount Sale Price!

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.broncosnflprostore.com/]Von Miller Authentic Jersey[/url]

The priest should seek recourse to all available tools and techniques in his planning and decision-making Unlike humans, who use a variety of political processes to determine leadership and rank, dogs sort out their social order by dominance and powerWhen events happen the information is received through our sensory perception organs: eyes, ears, nose, and touch

[url=http://www.officialbearsjerseystore.com/]Bears Brian Urlacher Jersey[/url]

The native Texan resides in Plano, Texas, a heartbeat north of Dallas, and doesn't wear a 10-gallon hat or cowboy bootsWith webmail set up, all you have to worry about is remembering your email login and password These are changes you can make that will change the way your dog thinks about you If someone you love is dying, be grateful for the time you had with them

[url=http://www.goldentatejersey.com/]Golden Tate Women's Jersey[/url]

Anonymous said...

simply dropping by to say hello